SO Struggling

[Lost confused]

Hi guys,
I don't know what else to do so I thought I'd come on here. My SO is going through a really though time and I think that he's slipping into depression. I've tried to be supportive and be there for him but even that isn't working. Lately he's become more and more withdrawn to the point where I don't hear from him unless I continually hound him. I suggested he go talk to someone and see a doctor to help him and assured him that it's ok and I'll support him. I'm trying really hard and this may make me a bad person but I'm finding it hard to see him like this. He's so down its now depressing me. He's constantly saying how depressed he feels on Twitter but still won't to a damn thing about it. Im meant to be seeing him at the start of the year, to be honest if things keep going like this, I don't know if we'll be together then. Is there anything else I can do?

[Gonçalo]

The same situation happened to me once. My SO and I were meant to meet for the first time in Paris in December and in the day we were going to book the tickets her parents had an argument about how dangerous the trip would be to their daughter and didn't allow it to happen. She cried for days and she was going into depression... and so was I. I did the same as you did, I supported her and even though nothing could cheer her up she would still talk to me so I decided to book a flight to Canada for the same exact day we were meeting in Paris, luckily her parents were supportive of the idea and now everything is back to normal when it comes to our emotions... and that's what bring my attention in your message, the fact that he doesn't say anything unless you do. Don't take me wrong, but it looks like he doesn't believe you guys can do it anymore and is trying to distance himself from you... right now, if I was you I would call him or message him asking him what does he think about the relationship and whether he wants to keep going with it or not. Ask him about the fact that he never messages you unless you ask him/message him something.

Honestly, tell him exactly what you posted in this thread.

Sorry if my answer puts you down or anything, it's not meant to hurt you in any way, it's just my interpretation.

[Redheart14]

Is the depression solely due to the LDR? Or is there something else in play?

[Lost confused]

Yeah he's got a lot of family stuff going on too. I feel unless I drag him to the doctor he won't do anything about it. I feel like I'm the only one trying to make things better.

[squeeker]

I feel like I can relate.. at least a little bit. My SO has suffered through major depression before and can get into those depressed moods even still... just recently he was getting really depressed with the distance, although we have settled that mostly by buying my flight ticket finally so the trip has an official date finally. Though that's not always possible and it's not always going to cheer them up.

I know that when my SO gets in the depressed mood, I try and stay positive and strong for him, but I have learned that this tends to make it worse. When someone is depressed they can't just "get better" and sometimes it doesn't seem to help anything to keep being positive.

I get really stressed out to see my SO depressed because I have this need to stay positive and strong.. but also I want to try and show him I understand, somehow connect on whatever issue.. or at least try and emphasize or be there for him. Usually if the depression spell is particularly bad and long enduring, I will end up breaking out of my positive spell and crying or letting emotions show... though the only good that does is show him that it's affecting me to and helps him feel like I'm not ignoring him.

It's hard to know what to suggest to help.. but my suggestions are patience, and keep positive as best as you can, and try to work through what he can do and try and help brighten his day in whatever way you can but it's okay to cry and show emotions too and I don't know.. I wish I had better advice but I just wanted to say that I know depression sucks and being the partner of someone who has depression can be so stressful. Also try and think about what you love about him, whether you do want to be with him or not. Because it has to be worth it for you to have the patience to endure the depressions.

Though the one thing that does worry me is how you say that he won't talk to you unless you talk to him a lot.. because I know that my SO will usually still always talk to me and talk things out with me even when he's depressed. Though we do have a 8 hour time zone so with university and work stuff we can't talk as much as we'd like. Though I do message my SO more often but that's just because I will message him when he's not online and he will usually just message me quickly to see if I'm online.

The other thing... if he is not ready to accept help then he's likely not going to get better.. so you have to decide whether you can deal with the depression. I have no idea how bad it is and you have every right to end the relationship if you can't handle it. You have to take care of your mental health too, although I can see that it would not be an easy decision to make either way. If you need someone to talk to, you can PM me.. I just wanted to offer support. Although I'm kinda doubting what I'm writing right now because I don't know if I said things the right way but it's late and I want to send this so I'm just going to send this. I hope you are okay.

[Lost confused]

Thank you so much! This really helped! I don't want to end it with him I love him. I just want him to go see a doctor and give anti depressants a go. He said he needs to the doctor. But he hasn't gone. I don't want to push, it's a fine line. Thanks Squeeker- pm sounds good.

[rhabdoviridae]

I agree with squeeker: he has to want to get better. It sounds as though he does but is having trouble taking the next step. Maybe you can offer to make the call for him...he looks up the number and sends it to you, you make the call and tell him when and where he has to go. Hopefully that will help him move forward and he can do the rest with your general support but on his own.

[differentcountries]

My SO is not depressed (I think) but he goes through hard times with the distance and he also has lots of other things on his mind. I sometimes try to "be positive", at other times I am more reminding him of that I think of him and that also I can feel down (which is true). Sometimes I try to do new things, like sending him poetry online, or stuff in the mail.

If he has a hard time going to the doctor, how aboout you make a deal with him to say that you too promise to do something that you dread to do. That way, you make it into a project where you both try to improve yourselves, not you trying to "fix" things for him. I have made similar deals with people close to me, and it has worked for us for the things we wanted done, and even improved our relationship because such deals are very intimate to make. Maybe you can try something like that.

Depression can be treated in a number of ways, antidepressants is just one of them, and is often used in combination with other means. There are self help groups, therapy, some use physical therapy or work their way through it through sports, there are courses on how to cope with mental problems, there are websites and apps for the phone, organizations where people can give tips, advice and support. There are lots of ways to Rome.

[Redheart14]

I agree with squeeker: he has to want to get better. It sounds as though he does but is having trouble taking the next step. Maybe you can offer to make the call for him...he looks up the number and sends it to you, you make the call and tell him when and where he has to go. Hopefully that will help him move forward and he can do the rest with your general support but on his own.

This is a good idea! I also think squeeker had some great points. Hopefully it works out soon.