A significant difference between us

[Cristiana]

Me and my SO are quite the same type of person. We have same tastes in almost everything, same opinions, same thoughts, same wishes. We also have quite the same personality.
And obviously we both believe that is better to be similar, at least in the important things, to be together. But, we do have differences.

One of our differences is a big one, we come across it very often, and sometimes it keeps me wonder about important and significant aspects of our relationship.
I blame age gap for this difference anyway, so maybe it is something that cant be solved.

The difference is: my mind is set on the future, on my future; he thinks only about the present. Last night I told him "Let's reflect about this: is normal that you have your mind set on your present, because you like it. But to me, in a period of my life when I have to build everything up and take choices, is completely normal to have mine set on the future."
He already took those important choices like job and a place to settle in. But me, I have to start everything.

The first thing that annoys me the most is when I talk about my wishes (to move in a specific place, to find that specific job, to settle in somewhere etc) he's like "Dont think about it now","Live day by day","Dont focus on these things".
I am 18, in a year and half I'll finish studies, I seriously want to move out of Italy.. Putting all these things together, tell me, what the hell am I supposed to think about?!

The second thing that annoys me is, he doesnt even think about the future with me. I know we've known each other from about an year and been together for 5 months, but the things we tell each other and the feelings we share, are not something that can last few months. We even told each other few times that we want to grow old together and that we hope this will last forever. And I know that this is a part of his personality and not something that has to do with his feelings for me, but Im still a bit sad about it.

So, summarizing.. Im a person with mind set on the future, and being with a person who his mind is not, is diffucult. Is difficult and a little demotivating the fact that he doesnt talk about a future with me. Not even about to close the distance or anything like that.

[somewhereinbetween]

I can relate to this because I'm the same as you, but I can understand why your SO may not be so interested in discussing future plans. I wish I could see a future with my SO, and at one point in time I could. But because of the distance, and us being so far away from each other, it's hard for me to believe that we will beat the distance and spend the rest of our lives together. I think part of this is also do to the fact that I know nothing lasts forever, so I'm trying to not get my hopes up too much and plan for something that likely will never happen for us. I would just ask him if that's the reason why he doesn't talk about a future.

[Cristiana]

I would just ask him if that's the reason why he doesn't talk about a future.

Well there's a reason. He's been together with a girl for many years, they made plans for their future, and at one point when something happened to their relationship, he had to see all those plans shattered. And now he says that it taught him to focus only on the present because everything could change at any moment, and he doesnt want for it to happen again.
I totally understand this, but I wish he'd understand me as well..

[somewhereinbetween]

Well there's a reason. He's been together with a girl for many years, they made plans for their future, and at one point when something happened to their relationship, he had to see all those plans shattered. And now he says that it taught him to focus only on the present because everything could change at any moment, and he doesnt want for it to happen again.
I totally understand this, but I wish he'd understand me as well..

That makes sense, and I'm sure he understands you as well. Even if he doesn't seem to acknowledge what you say, the fact that he's planned for those things at one point in his life shows that he wants those things as much as you do. I know it's scary and frustrating for you, and with long distance I always felt that if there's no plan for a future together, no plan to close the distance than it's all very pointless.

[differentcountries]

My SO doesn't like to plan anything. But with me, he sort of has to and finds himself wanting to, too. He told me on our 1 year aniversary that the reason he doesn't like to plan, is because he doesn't take it well when things doesn't go as planned. His dad died when he was 15, meaning he had to start work right away. Last year, his only sister died, too... I accept this side of him. In fact, I often let him initiate plans because then he "owns" the plan. You are different but that also makes it exiting.

[snow]

You have only been together for 5 months and you say he is older - how old is he? In his past relationship he was planning things and after a couple years it didn't work out, so he might just be cautious so it doesn't happen again. Can't fault him for that, but you also have to look after yourself.

I would hate to be in this situation, because I can understand you wanting to think of the future, but my fiance was the same way when we were just a couple months in. I wanted to talk about the future, marriage, kids, but he wanted to get to know me and make sure that what we have is worth building a future on.

All you can really do is see what your options are and make a couple plans. He might come around when he sees that you want him included in your future, but not here in Italy.

[lyonsgirl]

See, I've learned that it's actually a very very good thing that my husband is more "present-minded" than I am. I'm a future-seeker, like yourself. I like to dream and to plan. But when things go to shit, my husband reminds me that we can always change our future plans, nothing is set in stone. He keeps me grounded - and makes sure I'm paying attention to what's going on right then - and not always living so far ahead of where we are now.

Maybe look at it that way - I'm not saying stop dreaming, not at all. Just try looking at it as he's keeping you in the present. My SO likes that I think about our future - it means he doesn't have to worry about it as much. He dreams with me on occasion, but he doesn't live there like I tend to do sometimes.

[squeeker]

See, I've learned that it's actually a very very good thing that my husband is more "present-minded" than I am. I'm a future-seeker, like yourself. I like to dream and to plan. But when things go to shit, my husband reminds me that we can always change our future plans, nothing is set in stone. He keeps me grounded - and makes sure I'm paying attention to what's going on right then - and not always living so far ahead of where we are now.

Maybe look at it that way - I'm not saying stop dreaming, not at all. Just try looking at it as he's keeping you in the present. My SO likes that I think about our future - it means he doesn't have to worry about it as much. He dreams with me on occasion, but he doesn't live there like I tend to do sometimes.

This is a very good way to look at it! Both present thinking and future thinking have their pros and cons, and if one of you is stronger in one and one in another, that's okay and actually a good thing.

My SO and I both like to plan for the future, although my SO has usually been more of the dreamer, but I think he helped give me dreams and future plans, so now when he is not sure about the future, I can help remind him of what we want.. and we can help each other stay in the present when we need to figure that out as well.

Like you said, it's good to have similarities.. but it's also good to have differences because you can use them to compliment each other and see a different point of view.. as long as you both aren't too stubborn to accept that the other person's view is valid as well and the best view would be combining both views.

[Petals]

See, I've learned that it's actually a very very good thing that my husband is more "present-minded" than I am. I'm a future-seeker, like yourself. I like to dream and to plan. But when things go to shit, my husband reminds me that we can always change our future plans, nothing is set in stone. He keeps me grounded - and makes sure I'm paying attention to what's going on right then - and not always living so far ahead of where we are now.

Maybe look at it that way - I'm not saying stop dreaming, not at all. Just try looking at it as he's keeping you in the present. My SO likes that I think about our future - it means he doesn't have to worry about it as much. He dreams with me on occasion, but he doesn't live there like I tend to do sometimes.

THIS^^^^^^^

My SO keeps me grounded too. I am not only a dreamer but I get very impatient when I focus on the future too much. The future is not 'real' as it is only a construct of the mind; therefore, more effort needs to be placed on the NOW so that later the future which will eventually become the NOW, will be ok. I know this might sound confusing but I am philosophical by nature and Ekhart Tolle is stuck in my head lol.

When you focus on the future too much, you do not get to enjoy the NOW and ends up being miserable. Think about it : if you are constantly chasing the future you will never be quite fulfilled because the future will become the now at some point, but you won't appreciate all that you have been dreaming about because you have moved on to another dream (future).

Put plans in place for the future, but focus on the now - enjoy each day and find satisfaction in the now. The NOW is all you have.

[differentcountries]

But also, since you are talking about the future, is it not so that you plan on moving to US, despite having no concrete plan on how that will happen, and hope/expect him to go along with it? You keep making plans for YOU, but if you are with someone and you make plans together, what they want matter, too. So when you say it is not about you, I sort of think it is. If you want to sell your idea of your common future to him, you must do a LOT of research. I don't think it is the age gap - if anything, an older person generally likes to plan MORE, not less. He does think of the future, but he also sees you for what you are; a person who has less life experience than he has, and that is a planner but also a dreamer in the sense that you have your eyes set on a goal without knowing that much about it. For instance, your plan to move to the US - with him, if you have it your way - despite having not been there to visit yet, and doesn't even know that much about the country either. How can he "close the distance" with you under these circumstances? You call it planning, but everything you have posted here is little more than your wishes for the future, not how to get there.

[Cristiana]

See, I've learned that it's actually a very very good thing that my husband is more "present-minded" than I am. I'm a future-seeker, like yourself. I like to dream and to plan. But when things go to shit, my husband reminds me that we can always change our future plans, nothing is set in stone. He keeps me grounded - and makes sure I'm paying attention to what's going on right then - and not always living so far ahead of where we are now.

Maybe look at it that way - I'm not saying stop dreaming, not at all. Just try looking at it as he's keeping you in the present. My SO likes that I think about our future - it means he doesn't have to worry about it as much. He dreams with me on occasion, but he doesn't live there like I tend to do sometimes.

This is something positive and definitely a different perspective of the whole situation, thank you. And, just because I think that my SO has the same intentions as yours - to simply keep my feet on the ground without taking away my dreams - I'll do my best to think it this way.

But also, since you are talking about the future, is it not so that you plan on moving to US, despite having no concrete plan on how that will happen, and hope/expect him to go along with it? You keep making plans for YOU, but if you are with someone and you make plans together, what they want matter, too. So when you say it is not about you, I sort of think it is. If you want to sell your idea of your common future to him, you must do a LOT of research.

I wouldnt think about the US topic too much in this thread, because yes I talk about it a lot but with him is different, and I am for compromises. For example, just yesterday he told me that some of his family friends live in Canada from years and proposed to him a job there. He also told me that he wouldnt mind at all moving, and I think this could be a good compromise, if we ever reach to the point of moving together somewhere. I really hope so.

I don't think it is the age gap - if anything, an older person generally likes to plan MORE, not less. He does think of the future, but he also sees you for what you are; a person who has less life experience than he has, and that is a planner but also a dreamer in the sense that you have your eyes set on a goal without knowing that much about it.

You call it planning, but everything you have posted here is little more than your wishes for the future, not how to get there.

Mh, no. He doesnt think about the future, believe me. And no, is not true that I have my wishes without knowing how to get there. Im not the kind of person that wants something and just wait until a chance fall from the sky. And no, he's older but he plans less. He's done his plans, some of them broke up and some are still reality, and for now he's OK like this.

[R&R]

There's nothing wrong with living in the now while planning for the future. You can enjoy every moment that today has to give while making the decisions and plans that are going to help you reach your future goals. Those plans may change as you grow as an individual and a couple but since it is the future, there is flexibility.

[TaraMarie]

Things change. My SO USED to be like that too. I am a planner. He had a "one day at a time" attitude. He didn't have children, never wanted to be a father, was dead set against being a step father. Things changed in the last two and a half years. He loves when my children refer to him as their step father, even though we haven't closed the distance yet. Now he plans for a future with us. Because I think he can actually SEE IT happening now.
Just know that things CAN change. When he wants them to, and not before. You are on different timelines. But if he is with you, he is with you because he Wants to be. Give it time. I speak from experience.

[p_b82]

You may well find that he is thinking about the future, but he doesn't want to share his plans or dreams in case they get shattered, you have said that happened to him (how long ago?) and as a result is being cautious.

I agree with other comments above, it is great to have dreams and aspirations, but they are not *plans* until you work out how you are actually going to achieve things.

I intend to do tons of stuff in my day to day life, evening "planning" on going and doing exercise every week, but does it happen no; the same is for longer term goals and aspirations.

Having similar outlook on life and perspectives is useful, my ex and I were polar opposites, and for 5.5 years we complimented each other; my GF and I have very similar perspectives and outlook. Yet due to completely different growing up years and circumstances we came to those perspectives from very different initial starting points.

When in a relationship plans of any kind need to be of a benefit to both parties, often times it will require compromise from one, the other or both to achieve them. All your dreams are focusing on YOU, but as stated in your other thread, moving to the US is exceptionally difficult if you are not family to a US citizen in effect, so for two migrants from the EU, the odds of both of you getting your green cards are to be blunt very slim. Your partner is probably very aware of this being a bit older than you, and doesn't want to upset you by putting you down, but realises that these dreams are probably never going to become reality due to circumstances; and as so is not investing the mental effort on them.

what would probably be a 'better' short term goal would be for you both to move somewhere together which is easier, if that then all works out then plan and try to relocate to the US together, if that is what you both actually want.

<broad sweeping statement alert here> Culturally the US is very different to almost all non native English speaking language, and even different from just UK to US as well, and while I don't know why you want to leave Italy so badly, there might be 'better' places than the US that meet your criteria and are much more obtainable, which will give both you and your partner something to actually focus on planning rather than just dreaming about.

[Cristiana]

Hey guys Im not talking about US in this thread.. I didnt mention it at all

Anyway to those who talked about having dreams and plans while living day after day: THIS is what Im doing, and he is doing the same minus the "having dreams and plans" part.

The difficult thing is having so much to say, about my dreams and wishes, and not being able to talk about them with him, because anytime I try to, he doesnt want to talk or jokes. He's also a friend and Id love to talk about them with him, and it makes me a bit sad having to quit my mouth and do it on my own.

I could try to talk about these dreams and wishes as fantasies more than "plans", to simply talk about how do we imagine our future, and if he's ok with this, I'll be too. I just love to talk about the future and Id love to do it with him.