Little disagreements/Being bothered

[D4Joseph]

I am pretty new to these forums. I am 19 years old in my second year of college. I live in Massachusetts and my girlfriend is in California. She's in her first year of college. We've been together for about 8 months. We have a great bond in relationship. It is hard and inconvenient not seeing her when I want but I wouldn't trade what we have for anything. However, recently I feel like we've been having a lot of little disagreements. I'm not saying I'm perfect but for the most part she's been the cause. Sometimes she isn't mindful of things. On twitter a friend of hers tweeted to her "I miss having English with you because we'd give each other the look when Jesse did something sexy." My girlfriend replies by saying "don't get me started 😍." This upset me because I don't say things like that especially on social media. I confronted her and she cried thinking I was going to leave her. She said she really meant nothing by it. We resolved the issue after things cooled down. However, yesterday there was a different guy on twitter who commented on a picture she posted saying "queen" implying it's really nice. My go's reply was "thanks fav" (meaning thanks favorite. ) I didn't mention this because I don't want to feel like I'm fishing for a fight. Trust me I'm not insecure but I feel any relationship especially a large doesn't need this. Am I wrong for being bothered? Do you think these comments on twitter mean anything? Should I confront her? How do I handle this successfully? Helpful answers only please.

[Harlequin]

I feel like this is something that you two need to actually discuss, because there's obviously two different comfort levels going on. Although I'd probably also be a little uncomfortable if my s/o were talking about someone else doing something sexy, I personally wouldn't be upset about someone commenting on a photo of him and him thanking them for it. Comments on social media are relatively benign.

To her, these things are harmless, because she feels comfortable in the relationship and this is simply one of the ways it manifests. You can also be comfortable in your relationship, but prefer things remain a little more between you two and less ambiguous to other people. However, it isn't fair to say she is the cause. I imagine that, from her end, you're the cause. So in order to avoid pointing fingers unfairly, talk to each other and figure out what is and isn't comfortable for the both of you. Find out why she's so comfortable with the things you feel are inappropriate, and explain why you feel like these things are inappropriate in a way that doesn't sound like you're blaming her for a problem that isn't 100% her fault. As long as it remains a discussion instead of an accusation, you two should hopefully be able to come up with something.

Compliments and inside jokes are not inherently dangerous to relationships. They become dangerous when someone starts to act kinda suspiciously in regards to them. From what you're saying, it doesn't seem like she's doing anything suspicious. So yeah, just talk to her. Be like, "I understand these things are harmless to you, but I feel kind of uncomfortable when xyz happens and here is why" or something.

[squeeker]

Yeah I think one of the main things that strikes me as not great from your original post is how you are saying that she is the one mostly to blame. From your perspective, yeah she might be. But a relationship takes two perspectives. As Harlequin said, to her these things are harmless, they have a different meaning to her. She could be saying these things on social media to keep up friendship with her friends and not appear rude or mean and to her they are harmless. As Harlequin said, make it a discussion, don't accuse her of doing anything.. but it's okay and healthy to share how it makes you feel when she writes those things.. All in all, Harlequin wrote a great response so I don't have much more to add. Good luck!

[differentcountries]

I think it is a recipie for disaster to say "for the most part she's been the cause". Even if she should have something about her that needs to be change 1) you chose this woman 2) if you want to change her you must make her want to do it and 3) help her do it.

I don't know about twitter but obviously things you write can be seen by lots of others and be misunderstood. What is an easygoing joke between friends can appear as something else all together when written down and posted on a site. I may engage in a sexual joke, but not on Facebook where most of my current and former bosses/colleages are, as well as lots of family members, I will rather post that in a group. Talk about these concerns with her. You and her together can make a game plan that will allow her to have fun with friends while at the same time being mindful of how things can be interpreted. You may start på explaining that although you trust her, your little jealousy vibes gets tickeled when she is saying that others are her favourite or that she will be somewhat intimate with others. Be careful to say this in a way that describes these as YOUR feelings. Then, change turns and she can tell you how she felt as she wrote the things and how she feels about that now. Be open to the possability that you must also contribute. Perhaps the sexual comment was a bit off, but she can agree to not call others her favourite. Something like that. I would most likely not be upset about anything SO wrote (he works with people, and often I see pics of him on FB with women holding around him, with comments like "This is our boyfriend", "Look at this handsome man" and so on. I never bat an eye over it. That is just peoplepleasing, it is part of the job).

[rubydissolution]

I think you are blowing everything out of proportion. Which means she isn't the cause it's on you. Just because you are in a relationship it doesn't make you blind to the opposite sex and giving a look because an attractive guy does something "sexy" means nothing. It's just something girls do in that social setting. Like if you were out and a buddy said hey check her out. Would u say man dude I have a girlfriend. Of course you wouldn't. You'd look, agree or disagree and move on.

As for social media...how can you hold her accountable for something a friend posts? If she posts a pic and someone comments, that's the nature of the beast.

You say you aren't insecure but obviously you are in some manner. You need to pick your battles and this seems like something you are going to have to get used to. What she's done is harmless.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

As everyone has stated above, you are blowing things up a bit.

When I had classes with my friends and one of my friends liked someone or found them attractive, we would give each other the look anytime that person did something "sexy" for lack of a better word. However this did not mean I was in any way shape or form attracted to this person. Most girls have this signal with their friends. And even if your SO finds someone attractive, that doesnt by any means lessen her affection for you. As humans we naturally find people attractive, but that doesnt mean we want to be with them or like them in any other way than noticing that they are an attractive person.

[D4Joseph]

Thank you everyone for your input I appreciate it. To be completely honest I'm not saying it's bad to find other people attractive. What I'm saying is she wouldn't like it if I posted a tweet like that or if I give girls little nicknames. Why should she get a pass? I don't want to play the blame game but it often seems as if she doesn't want to be considerate of the little things.

[Harlequin]

If you don't like playing the blame game, then stop playing it and talk to her about this like an adult. "She wouldn't like it if I did xyz, so why should she get a pass?" is an immature way of thinking and tends to result in petty, retributive behavior. She isn't getting a pass, but assigning her the blame for most of these things is entirely unfair--especially considering she isn't actually doing anything bad. You both have the same amount of responsibility in making the relationship work, and one of those responsibilities is communication.
Immediately going for "It's her fault. Why should she get a pass" for something this trivial shows a lack of self awareness as well as an inability to communicate. Talk about it, don't put the blame on any one person, come to an agreement, and problem is usually solved.

[rubydissolution]

Omg! You teenagers and your obsession with social media? Who the hell cares about twitter and Facebook? You go on there and its almost like your are fishing for things to be nit picky about! Maybe you would stop fighting so much if you stopped looking at her twitter account! Listen to yourself...she said this and that in response to what someone said on twitter. It's HER Twitter, she isn't doing anything disrespectful, you are reading too much into it.

Sorry if this came out harsh, but you would be surprised at how many threads are posted about stuff like this.

[rhabdoviridae]

My husband and I had a disagreement once about interactions with the opposite sex. I asked him (calmly, respectfully, not in an accusatory manner) how he would feel if our positions were reversed in a particular situation. He said it helped him to understand how and why I was feeling a certain way about that interaction and he agreed to not do that again. So asking your SO to see things from your point of view is a perfectly valid discussion to have. I don't think she should be doing things that she would be uncomfortable with you doing. If she doesn't see a problem with her behavior but you continue to feel insecure about her behavior, that's a pretty big incompatibility that you need to discuss further. No one wants to feel like their SO is watching their every move and being overly possessive.