Go to my SO's home with him during Christmas?

[underthewater]

My boyfriend just went to Asia and I'm in Europe now. He "kind of" invited me to go back to the States with him this Christmas before he left and now I'm trying to figure out if it's a good idea and how I can make this work (haven't really talked to him as he just arrived and is busy for his own issues).

He's from a pretty "unknown" state (for me) on the west coast and it's not cheap for me to fly there (more than $1000). I've never been to the States before and I somehow think it makes more sense to visit cities like New York first. The other reason I don't want to be there with him all the time is that he's going to spend like 2 weeks at the end of the year in the States (Christmas+New Year) and he definitely needs to spend time with his parents, grandparents, siblings, friends etc. Not that I don't like meeting people but it's just like when you invite a stranger to dinner, you somehow have to pay more attention to the stranger which may make the rest of the family feel weird.

The other concern is that I'm not sure how big a deal "meeting the parents" is in the States. It's huge in my culture. My boyfriend did mention before that he never took any girl home. Any suggestions? Comments?

[maielle]

I'm not from the states but I can reply to the "going over for Christmas part" from my perspective.

I've known my SO since March this year (and we were kind of dating already then but became official in end of July) but still for me personally Christmas is a family event so I will still this year spend it with my family here at home. When we will move together we'll have to see how to do it.

If your SO is going to be there for two weeks only and hasn't seen his family in a while I think the family would also like to spend all the time possible with him. Would it be possible to see him in the beginning of next year where ever he will go after New Year? And what does "kind of inviting" mean?

Based on this information and the fact that Christmas is very very important for me, I wouldn't go if I was you. Of course you need to make the decision with your boyfriend. And maybe even with his family. And the final decision is up to you.

[maja]

hm well i would LOVE to have my boyfriend here for christmas and my family wouldnt mind at all, but he has to be with his mum and grandparents.
But i do however think that if hes been gone for a longg time they will want to spend time with him, but im sure they would like to meet you...
Meeting the parents is to my knowledge kinda big in the u.s. I dont know where youre from but its not such a big deal here in germany....i mean his mum absolutely loves me even though whenn i first met her i was horribly sick and slept for like two days having high fevers and everything, and my parents too really like my boyfriend and invite him to every family event and dont mind him coming over and staying spontaneously...i think its good to meet the parents at a time like christmas, cos everyonne is cheerful...

[underthewater]

^Thanks! What my boyfriend said was "Don't be too sad, you can come to the States at the end of the year with me!" And when I told him about my plans today I said "I will need to get a visa first anyways, so nothing is sure. And I may just travel by myself there if it's difficult to arrange things, really, new york must be fun!" And he said "I'm sure we can arrange something."

I'm from a culture in which we don't celebrate Christmas at all...but I guess you are right, it's indeed a family moment. I know if we discuss this, he probably will "arrange something" eventually even he or his family is not very comfortable with it. Maybe I should just visit him in early December in Asia...Ugh, this is hard.

[MoonWatcher]

I live in the States, and I am of the opinion that "meeting the parents" is a HUGE deal for most of the population. Christmas is equally important for most, if not for religious reasons, then almost always for family reasons. Typically those who bring their SO's home for Christmas are meaning serious business.

As for wanting to visit NY first... I honestly think NY is not a good representation of the rest of the U.S. as far as landscape, as most of the country doesn't have that massive city feel. The West coast is more relaxed, easy-going, and is more similar to Europe then the East coast. It would be a fun experience, that's a given.

And yeah, asking his family ahead of time wouldn't hurt. I totally understand that "stranger" feeling. You don't want to be the focal point of the visit and hog all of his time. But I imagine that won't be the case, especially if he has a large family. If YOU don't feel totally comfortable with it, then don't go. You don't want your first meeting to be strained and awkward, weighed down with financial woes or concerns about hanging out with your honey too much. Wait until it feels right and it will go MUCH smoother.

[noodle]

Well I would go if his parents would want me there as well I mean like if they dont mind you havin there, than sure go for it

[underthewater]

Thanks everyone!

What makes it even more complicated is the fact that his parents are divorced and now living in different states in the west coast (one of them has remarried). And my boyfriend himself is not that comfortable with going back to the States, he repeatedly told me he didn't fancy people there a lot (and then admitted that's partially because he didn't like some of his own characters as an American:>).

I always find him somehow in need to better express himself. For instance we discussed for 2 weeks whether or not he should accept this job offer in Hong Kong and he never mentioned once if he wanted to continue with me. It's till a point that I couldn't offer any "neutral opinions" and broke down that he said "of course we will"";< Not that he's a shy person, I guess he just often assumes that I know what he means when I don't!

[Moon]

I say go, but only if you're 100% positive he really wants you there, or it could become uncomfortable. Christmas here is for celebrating not just with family, but friends too, and is usually a warm, welcoming, fun time. Unless his family is religious, it makes no difference if you come from somewhere that doesn't celebrate, Christmas has really turned into a holiday for everyone.

My guy is Finnish and we've talked a lot about how very differently our cultures celebrate Christmas, I think it's a great experience to see how other places in the world celebrate holidays and this could be a fantastic opportunity for you. As for that "unknown" state? That's going to be MUCH more representative of the US than NYC, as MoonWatcher mentioned above. Don't get me wrong, NYC is amazing, but very different than most of the country. It doesn't matter where you visit first, just visit, you'll have a great time!

[squiddie]

I've always had the whole feeling of Christmas being a family time, but maybe you could go out a couple days later, like the 27th or the 28th?

And as several people have already said, New York is not representative of much of the US. Yes, it's glamorous and exciting, but most of the country is not like that. I've lived there. I know. Besides, who will care where you go in the country? The US is a massive country, and even to people who live there, different regions can seem exciting. I mean, heck, I've barely left the eastern seaboard, I'm super excited to go out to Arizona to see my boyfriend.

[noodle]

well if he doesnt like to go back to the States etc why not have him with you? I mean you would be together, you wouldnt have to pay for the expensive flight and you dont have the awkward situation with his parents/family/friends whatever that you might fear especially around christmas time
and since he's the man he could take it all xD jk

[Karringtyn]

I live in NY...not the city...heh the state..and I LOVE It here...but...

Yes it is a big deal to meet the parents...but at the same time...if he wants to bring you home...I would probably want to go...what an opportunity!!! Yes if you go to USA most want to see NY...BUT! you have an opportunity to see where your SO is from and meet family...

I dont know..just follow your heart..it will all be ok...

[paulawriteslove]

If you feel comfortable with going to his house for Christmas, then why not? It would be a huge step in your relationship
But you'd have to feel 110% comfortable!!

[underthewater]

Thanks everyone! So does his parents being religious or not matter a lot? As he said, his parents "are extremely religious who don't believe anything happened 2010 years ago." One good thing is that I've met one of his two sisters when she came over to visit him, she's nice. He also has two brothers and another 10 half brothers and sisters from his mom's second marriage...I just feel that the whole situation is out of the maximum of my imagination and I just can't figure out what's the best to do.

I'll need to get a visa first which is not easy. If I'm rejected I won't be able to have this problem anymore:<

I was actually thinking about taking him home to meet my parents during Spring Festival (which equals Christmas in my culture) in Feb. 2011, but guess what, my parents don't even speak English! It's just...complicated.

[Silviar]

While I can understand feeling that you should visit big cities like NYC or Chicago first, the point of this trip isn't to sightsee, but to meet his family. Not that sightseeing shouldn't happen, but that it's not the primary purpose. How important the family meet-up is, I think, can vary, but for the most part meeting the family ranges from moderately important to very important. In my own family, you wouldn't dream of not introducing your SO to the parents. I also think it's unfair to liken yourself to a stranger - you're becoming part of the family, presumably, so the fact he wants you there for the holidays speaks of how important you are in his life.

What I'm reading here is it sounds like you're resistant to integrating yourself into the time spent with family and friends. Do you not feel like it's the right time to meet each other's families? Christmas is a really big deal in the states, but I'll also say it's a great time to meet everyone, and it's a pretty common 'introduce my serious boyfriend/girlfriend' because the family is together. Nowadays many families are spread out over the US, so holidays are the time everyone has off and can see each other. Yes, people will want to see him, but they're also going to want to see you - you're his partner.

Overall, though, if you're uncomfortable, I think you'll have to explain it delicately to your boyfriend, because telling him you don't want to go could really hurt his feelings.

[Silviar]

Thanks everyone! So does his parents being religious or not matter a lot? As he said, his parents "are extremely religious who don't believe anything happened 2010 years ago." One good thing is that I've met one of his two sisters when she came over to visit him, she's nice. He also has two brothers and another 10 half brothers and sisters from his mom's second marriage...I just feel that the whole situation is out of the maximum of my imagination and I just can't figure out what's the best to do.

I'll need to get a visa first which is not easy. If I'm rejected I won't be able to have this problem anymore:<

I was actually thinking about taking him home to meet my parents during Spring Festival (which equals Christmas in my culture) in Feb. 2011, but guess what, my parents don't even speak English! It's just...complicated.

Visa: Check and see if your country is under the Visa Waiver Program - if so, it's very easy to get that visa. Since you don't have your country of origin listed, it's hard for me to give you specific visa advice. I'll try to help if you can give me some specifics.

Religious: I didn't quite understand the statement, I'm afraid. Did you mean "are extremely religious who don't believe anything happened before 2010 years ago?" I'm going to assume you mean they are very Christian. This means that Christmas is very holy to them, you'll probably be expected to attend church service, and you may get asked if you're a Christian. Be prepared as to how comfortable talking about religion is for you, and I would ask your boyfriend what sort of response you can expect if you are a different religion, because if they're conservative, you may want to have a handy answer prepared in case they're nosy. One of the few things conservative groups can be very pushy about is their way of thinking being the correct way, and you'll want to handle that appropriately as you feel comfortable.

(If you can find out what denomination they are, that would be helpful. My degree is in Religious Studies, and I've spent an extensive amount of time studying interfaith relations, so if I can help, I would be glad to)