so confused, please advise me

[S41r4]

Hey all, thank you for reading, got a feeling its going to be long. i just want some opinions and trying to understand why I feel the way I do

Background info –

I have a friend who lives in the US, I’m in London. Her family is friends with my family so whenever I used to visit as a kid I’d sometimes hang out with her. As we grew older, we lost touch but may 2013 we started talking again.
I found out she’s always liked women and I told her I had dated girls too, she had never acted on her desires because she believed it was against her faith. Over the past 17 months she has become my best friend, we talk every day, skype, text etc. She’s like the perfect match for me, we visit each other and its always good. I absolutely love her and know she feels the same. We tried moving on from each other, we tried to stop talking, trying to distract ourselves with local people but to no avail. We both couldn’t get each other out of our heads and continually to fall in love more and more each day.

I don’t want to sit here and explain why she’s perfect for me, but we have tons in common, one of us is a lawyer one in med school, both come from affluent backgrounds and have managed to travel a lot so we share that too.

Anyways after our first meeting we decided we can’t ignore this, it was so obvious how well we worked and even though it was ONLY ever going to be a short term thing we decided we were going to give it a shot. She hoped that if we dated for a while etc hopefully we would naturally kinda get over it or get it out of her system.

Now heres the problem – I continuously feel like I put more into this than her. I can afford to travel to see her etc so I’m not minding about that but its just some side comments. Like in September when I visited her I took her lots of chocolate and british goods and then when I was planning my Oct trip, I told her what do u want from here, tell me or I’ll just buy you more candy etc because I know she liked it, and she said “if you bring more chocolate, its going straight in the trash” – which I find rude.
A couple days before my last trip last weekend, she asked me if id take a cab to the airport Monday morning. I agreed although I felt horrible because I would do anything to spend time with her and here she is requesting me to make my own way because it’s a super early flight?
I just spend 16 + travelling to spend 48 hours with her…

I always feel like I make more effort and for like a year its always felt like I’m the one that’s rooting for us, wanting us and trying to be open minded. Sometimes its things that are not her fault, like if we want to talk, it has to be me that stays up later because of the 5 hours time difference.

Anyway on Sunday when I was there, the whole weekend had been perfect absolutely amazing up until Sunday night where she decided to start falling asleep at like 8.30pm…again what the heck..
I ended up sleeping on the couch because I was frustrated and I guess I was quiet on the drive to the airport.

Monday when I land, I talk to her a little, mention I miss her and that I was upset she fell asleep so early when it was my last night there

Tuesday at night we skype, talk a little, im missing her like crazy

Wednesday all day I felt kinda off, kinda like I’m starting to see that I’m not getting what I need from this. At night she asked if we could skype, we did, and I pretty much told her that I feel a little less intense about all this (which u have to realise, is HUGE for me, I’ve loved her insanely for a long time) I told her I didn’t wanna tell her what was bothering me because I didn’t want her to feel badly. She insisted so I told her how much the cab thing hurt me, how on Saturday when I was with her I had asked her to take me to get some nicotine replacement, as she’d asked me to stop smoking over the weekend and I was struggling and she didn’t. and how that’s unfair considering I’m already not smoking for her.

Then she said how sorry she was and that she had felt so bad for even asking me to take a cab in the first place .

Thursday – its our anniversary and I’d ordered her these books and some gifts to her apartment. I was at a networking event but I came home at her 9pm, asked her to call me – she said I love you but im going to bed.

I just felt like, really cmon??!

On the other hand I know how much she loves me, she believes being with a woman is against her faith and she’s gone through a lot to get there with me. On the Monday before we left for the airport, she put some granola bars and fruit next to my bag for the plane journey, she bought fruit loops before I got there because its my fav. I just don’t wanna paint her to be something shes not.

On one hand it feels a tiny bit liberating to be a bit more relaxed. To not constantly be working my life around the Eastern Time zone or pining over her constantly but on the other hand I’m never as happy as when I’m with her.

Just feel lost. I love her

[differentcountries]

I don't think the cab, the candy or falling sleep is really your problem. Figure out the gay stuff and the rest is trillets.

[S41r4]

but does it not show different levels of care? Like me, I would do anything to spend time with her.

I would never tell her to take a cab etc. I dunno maybe I'm the idiot who sees things differently.

[p_b82]

Every-one is different and not everything works out the same in terms of what you would do for the other person.

You can't fault a person for being tired if for example they had not been sleeping due to worry about how the trip would go, and battling their faith verses their feelings. the fact that she feels so comfortable to fall asleep speaks volumes in other ways.

Yes it is sad to not to be able to hang out as much, but sometimes these things just happen that way.

You need to be honest with yourself and then with her what your expectations are from yourself and from your partner. she may not be able to attain the same levels/standards as you set for her due to her being different and showing her love in a different way.

however if you always feel you are investing more emotionally than you get back, then you are going to have to either get the balance adjusted in your favour, or ultimately walk away. I say this as it is important to feel loved as well to be told it... and if you don't eventually things will break down and resentment will really take hold, and it is very difficult to repair stuff after that.

Hope you both work it out.

[differentcountries]

but does it not show different levels of care? Like me, I would do anything to spend time with her.

I would never tell her to take a cab etc. I dunno maybe I'm the idiot who sees things differently.

She seems a bit sloppy in her wording. Perhaps she feels you are confronting her? If she is not used to doing things the way she likes them, then even asking you to bring her a sweater instead of candy can feel a bit overwhealming. SO never tells me what to bring, even when I ask him to, so I just bring whatever comes to mind.

Also, they way you discribe her she seems very tired, like she is sick or working too much (or worrying too much). I know it could be difficult for me to get up early to bring someone to the airport, which is why I would ask them to book a plane at a different time. The way things are now, SO can't take time off from work so I always travel by myself to the airport. He has indeed ordered taxi for me when he was not working, too. I did not think too much about it, I was happy he filled my bags with fruit for the journey. He also takes goodbyes very badly, so when he followed me to the airport in his home town he hardly even stayed at all. That is who he is, and doesn't reflect on our relationship in any way.

It might be a good thing to talk over with her that you didn't like that candy comment and you also would appreciate it a lot if she could follow you to the airport. Maybe you can find some solutions for the future.

[S41r4]

She seems a bit sloppy in her wording. Perhaps she feels you are confronting her? If she is not used to doing things the way she likes them, then even asking you to bring her a sweater instead of candy can feel a bit overwhealming. SO never tells me what to bring, even when I ask him to, so I just bring whatever comes to mind.

Also, they way you discribe her she seems very tired, like she is sick or working too much (or worrying too much). I know it could be difficult for me to get up early to bring someone to the airport, which is why I would ask them to book a plane at a different time. The way things are now, SO can't take time off from work so I always travel by myself to the airport. He has indeed ordered taxi for me when he was not working, too. I did not think too much about it, I was happy he filled my bags with fruit for the journey. He also takes goodbyes very badly, so when he followed me to the airport in his home town he hardly even stayed at all. That is who he is, and doesn't reflect on our relationship in any way.

It might be a good thing to talk over with her that you didn't like that candy comment and you also would appreciate it a lot if she could follow you to the airport. Maybe you can find some solutions for the future.

We just spent the whole weekend talking and trying to establish a happy middle.

I think I put all my cards on the table, I explained that the cab thing hurt, how she just doesn’t ever seem to be willing to compromise for me. Whether that’s delaying bedtime by 20 minutes or being open minded. I’m always sending pictures of myself, of what im doing, I would say I get 1% back. I explained that I don’t mind that she doesn’t, that I’m not always wanting the same as im giving because I accept we’re different people.

One of my friends who is in a LDR with her fiancé, gave me all these things that they do together…. And I told J, and how each suggestion I was given, in my head I was thinking J wouldn’t do this, nope not this either. And that evening when I told her about them, each one she laughed at and said no. the list were things like cooking together on skype, falling asleep on the phone, watching movies at the same time.


Anyway, long story short, I told her that I wanted to feel loved and wanted too and that she can’t just keep saying “you should know by now how much you mean to me because of how much we talk”
So I told her if she can’t then we need to be just friends because I don’t want to keep getting hurt. This all happened over skype and I was really really upset.

At the end we decided to fix things, we love each other and want to make this work. I’m not sure if I started to mentally prepare myself for a heartbreak that I feel kind of relaxed and also she is being amazing. From asking which thing from my friends suggestion did I want to try the most to just being super thoughtful.

Thank you everyone

[p_b82]

Glad that you two have been able to work things out and find a happy medium, I had to do a similar thing with my GF.

For us those joint things make it all the more painful that we are apart, and so while nice to share with each other, make it all the harder for us, so we don't.

It does mean that we have to work harder to stop us just falling into the mundane small talk every-day but there we go.