Okay, so I've met this guy through Mass Effect (video game) rp and we have a lot in common. We love playing Xbox live together, writing together, talking about anything under the sun and the cadence of each others voices. Ever find the person that fits you like a shoe? Never judges, just listens and reaches out to talk when they know you're hurting?
He feels like that, and I know it's not completely logical. He lives in AZ, and I live in IL. There is also a slight difference in age: I am 23, and he is 19.
Sometimes he calls me babe or refers to me as "more than a friend" when I jokingly say "friend, huh?" in some conversations when we talk about being friends. Eventually we ended up in one of our deeper discussions that led to various emotional displays of affection via words and such when I was hit. Every moment that we spoke together led up until this point and I realized I had truly fallen for him. It's not normal for me... I've only ever fallen for two guys my entire life. You see, I've been attracted to women since the beginning and it's rare that this ever happens. In fact, it's never truly happened like this until now. I have no issues with him really other than the fact that he does weed every now and then, but it's only once a week since I asked him to cut down...
Anyway, I started mentioning the fact that perhaps I wanted more than this, even though we'd never met. Both of us wouldn't be able to meet for some time due to money issues but we can eventually, because we're both about to come into some money by legal lawsuits. When I mentioned it, he became very silent and said he'd been in long distance relationships before and sometimes they were the cause of his depression because he couldn't be physically affectionate with them. Not to have sex, but to able to spend time with them and to feel a person next to you.
At this point it was 4am, and we'd been talking/gaming for under six hours. I'd been feeling tired so I decided to continue this conversation over text. He'd told me again that it was hard because not being able to be with them was incredibly lonely and it'd be different if I lived in the same state as him.
I understand the logic, we probably wouldn't be able to see each other until the lawsuits come into play anyway. Flights are expensive and neither of us make enough to see each other anytime we want.
Even so, he treats me like I'm his girlfriend already. He spends almost all of his time with me, puts off his friends so we can game, hours on the phone, and writing together comes easily; it's like breathing. We're very close despite only knowing each other for almost a month. When we'd met, he'd been out of a long distance relationship for two weeks. No matter what we've always worked around our schedules to talk as much as possible.
Thing is, I really really want more and it hurts he doesn't despite the obstacles. He wants me to wait until we're able to see each other in person, and see how it goes. Thing is he, he practically treats me as if we're in a relationship without the label. He wants everything without the label, and it hurts to talk to him now knowing he doesn't want more. I respect myself too much to be treated this way even though he still goes out of his way for me.
I nearly gave him an ultramtum: be more, or just not talk at all because I'm that kind of person. I almost did, but I couldn't do it. I'm already hurting but I couldn't imagine not talking to him period. I decided to ask him how he saw me when he asked if I didn't want to talk anymore if we couldn't be more, and he said:
"I see you as a potential love interest when we finally meet in person. But other than that, I see a good, beautiful person in need of a good friend to have at their back. I see a beautiful woman who sees the world from a much more reasonable perspective. I like you a lot. I need a friend like you. You are closer than a friend but not just any ordinary friend. It's more like a place in between. Maybe time will help. But for what its worth, whatever you decide, just know that you played a small but critical role in my life. You're freaking great and don't let anyone else tell you differently."
I still asked him to think about it, and he said he would because it meant the world to me. He was at a concert, and I wanted him to have fun so I didn't press it. Now I just feel heartbroken and empty and I find it hard to text him without wanting to sob and lose it completely. It's like he wants all of the benefits of having a girlfriend without having one. He doesn't want me to go off with someone else, and still wants me, but without the commitment. I've never felt this way before about anyone and yet I have never felt more conflicted about just one person.
I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place. In all of my experience, I've found if someone really wants to be with someone they'll make it happen. No matter what. Nothing stands in their way. I've never had this issue about being together with girls, but I've always had this issue with guys. Long-distance or no.
I really don't know what to do. What if I wait, and he finds someone else, and I waste a year of my life? If I give him time to think, I don't think he'll ever truly make up his mind. I can try to act more distant and completely cool with it, but I'll still feel a little unhappy and not worth it to him.
It's been hard to go to work ever sine this happened. I just want to stay at home and sulk, but I can't. Life goes on, and I have so much responsibility. He's begged me to not stop talking to him, that I was an important part of his life... but I find it so hard. He gets what he wants, but I don't.
I'm tired of being hurt. I just want someone to want me the way I want them.
He feels like that, and I know it's not completely logical. He lives in AZ, and I live in IL. There is also a slight difference in age: I am 23, and he is 19.
Sometimes he calls me babe or refers to me as "more than a friend" when I jokingly say "friend, huh?" in some conversations when we talk about being friends. Eventually we ended up in one of our deeper discussions that led to various emotional displays of affection via words and such when I was hit. Every moment that we spoke together led up until this point and I realized I had truly fallen for him. It's not normal for me... I've only ever fallen for two guys my entire life. You see, I've been attracted to women since the beginning and it's rare that this ever happens. In fact, it's never truly happened like this until now. I have no issues with him really other than the fact that he does weed every now and then, but it's only once a week since I asked him to cut down...
Anyway, I started mentioning the fact that perhaps I wanted more than this, even though we'd never met. Both of us wouldn't be able to meet for some time due to money issues but we can eventually, because we're both about to come into some money by legal lawsuits. When I mentioned it, he became very silent and said he'd been in long distance relationships before and sometimes they were the cause of his depression because he couldn't be physically affectionate with them. Not to have sex, but to able to spend time with them and to feel a person next to you.
At this point it was 4am, and we'd been talking/gaming for under six hours. I'd been feeling tired so I decided to continue this conversation over text. He'd told me again that it was hard because not being able to be with them was incredibly lonely and it'd be different if I lived in the same state as him.
I understand the logic, we probably wouldn't be able to see each other until the lawsuits come into play anyway. Flights are expensive and neither of us make enough to see each other anytime we want.
Even so, he treats me like I'm his girlfriend already. He spends almost all of his time with me, puts off his friends so we can game, hours on the phone, and writing together comes easily; it's like breathing. We're very close despite only knowing each other for almost a month. When we'd met, he'd been out of a long distance relationship for two weeks. No matter what we've always worked around our schedules to talk as much as possible.
Thing is, I really really want more and it hurts he doesn't despite the obstacles. He wants me to wait until we're able to see each other in person, and see how it goes. Thing is he, he practically treats me as if we're in a relationship without the label. He wants everything without the label, and it hurts to talk to him now knowing he doesn't want more. I respect myself too much to be treated this way even though he still goes out of his way for me.
I nearly gave him an ultramtum: be more, or just not talk at all because I'm that kind of person. I almost did, but I couldn't do it. I'm already hurting but I couldn't imagine not talking to him period. I decided to ask him how he saw me when he asked if I didn't want to talk anymore if we couldn't be more, and he said:
"I see you as a potential love interest when we finally meet in person. But other than that, I see a good, beautiful person in need of a good friend to have at their back. I see a beautiful woman who sees the world from a much more reasonable perspective. I like you a lot. I need a friend like you. You are closer than a friend but not just any ordinary friend. It's more like a place in between. Maybe time will help. But for what its worth, whatever you decide, just know that you played a small but critical role in my life. You're freaking great and don't let anyone else tell you differently."
I still asked him to think about it, and he said he would because it meant the world to me. He was at a concert, and I wanted him to have fun so I didn't press it. Now I just feel heartbroken and empty and I find it hard to text him without wanting to sob and lose it completely. It's like he wants all of the benefits of having a girlfriend without having one. He doesn't want me to go off with someone else, and still wants me, but without the commitment. I've never felt this way before about anyone and yet I have never felt more conflicted about just one person.
I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place. In all of my experience, I've found if someone really wants to be with someone they'll make it happen. No matter what. Nothing stands in their way. I've never had this issue about being together with girls, but I've always had this issue with guys. Long-distance or no.
I really don't know what to do. What if I wait, and he finds someone else, and I waste a year of my life? If I give him time to think, I don't think he'll ever truly make up his mind. I can try to act more distant and completely cool with it, but I'll still feel a little unhappy and not worth it to him.
It's been hard to go to work ever sine this happened. I just want to stay at home and sulk, but I can't. Life goes on, and I have so much responsibility. He's begged me to not stop talking to him, that I was an important part of his life... but I find it so hard. He gets what he wants, but I don't.
I'm tired of being hurt. I just want someone to want me the way I want them.
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