Anyone ever have a terminally ill LDR partner?

[Kerry]

my fiance is terminally ill. he's too sick to move across country to live with me, so all of those thoughts and plans are kaput. this past summer I was supposed to fly to spend with him but depression took a hold of him. I understand why- his and my dreams were the same. he feels he has little control of his life. he can't live where he wants to- he can't leave his home unless it's to go to the doctors. he's admittedly changed as a person. he told me that he didn't want to see me, which caused a couple of huge fights this past summer between us. he's dying and I just want to run with him and he just wants to live out his disease alone. I'm supposed to fly to see him during christmas break but am anticipating him telling me not to come- again. i love him very much and not seeing him is just killing me. being in an LDR with a terminally ill man is the hardest thing I've ever experienced. has anyone else been in my shoes?

[Petals]

Oh wow! This must be so hard to deal with! ((hugs)). I have not been in this situation, but just wanted to reach out to you.

If you are sure you want to be with him until he eventually goes to 'the other side' then I suggest that you make the trip regardless of what he says. He's depressed and pushing you away because he doesn't want to burden you. Tell him that you are making the choice to be with him not out of sympathy but because you love him dearly.

[rhabdoviridae]

This is a very tough situation. Is there any way you can move to be with him? That seems like it would be a middle ground, although you would assume a lot of responsibility I'd guess, which you may or may not be ready or willing to take on. Also, does he have a therapist? Couples therapy would be a helpful thing, although I understand it's difficult being LD. Perhaps plan a session together and you can go when you next visit? They might be able to help you suss out whether him telling you he doesn't want to see you is due to depression and not wanting to burden you, or if he is being sincere, which you should respect.

I would assume that you visiting would help with his depression, but it may make it worse in that it makes him think of the life he wants but cannot have. It may be worth planning to visit anyway but having a hotel or friend's house as a back-up in case he really doesn't want to spend time with you. I wish you the best - this must be a very painful situation to be in

[differentcountries]

While I have not been in a relationship with a terminally ill person, I have been very sick myself, at times bed ridden, often unable to travel far, with few answers, crippeling symptoms and unable to work. That was hard CD, for me and my husband. I had anxiety due to all the uncertainties and I saw all the plans I made for my life fall apart. Luckily I got to see a great therapist. What she said was, well you will have to face that life has now changed, and that you no longer know tomorrow. I learned to be less afraid of the changes and more willing to look at my alternatives. I took my husband once, too, which was very good for him. That night be something to consider.

If you love him, go to him. Tell him you want him no matter what will happen, if he wants you there that is. Be equipped by reading up on his diagnosis and treatment so you know how to accomodate. Depression is ugly but luckily reactive depression doesn't always run that deep. If he can find a way to cope with uncertainty, that might be helpful. I found a lot of strenght in Buddhist meditation and compassion prayers. I wish you all the best in these hard times.

[Kerry]

i would not be able to stay with him and would have to stay at a hotel. at this point I cannot move to be with him. when things take a turn I will have to take a leave of absence from my job to be with him. we aren't at that stage yet. his disease is slowly killing him, and me as well. it's so hard to be away from the one that you love more than anyone else in the world. add a terminal illness onto it and it just makes life 100% more stressful. I've read up on his disease and there's no hope or meds to treat it. it's funny because even though I hate his disease I've accepted it and what it means for our future. what I'm having a hard time dealing with is his keeping me at a distance. the latter is very difficult for me to deal with.

[lucybelle]

I think you should try to find a support group in your area (or an online forum) dedicated to partners of people with terminal illness. I think you would find a lot of help and camaraderie with people who understand your situation.

[digitalfever]

Hmmm. I haven't had a sick SO but I have watched my mom pass of a terminal illness and its heartbreaking to watch someone comes to the realization that the life they envisioned isn't going to happen. You care for him and I think that no matter how you are there for him it still counts and shows how strong of a person you are and that's even if you don't feel like it.

I don't know what to suggest for him to let you but I'd say just keep doing what you are doing.

[talim]

I second lucybelle's idea about finding a support group, when my mother's mother was dying because of terminal illness, it helped my mother a lot to talk to people who are in the same situation. Or you can find a therapist who has experience working with terminally ill patients and their partners if you prefer this.
Plus I just wanted to tell you that I admire your strenght and I hope you will be able to enjoy his remaining time together. Best wishes!

[Petals]

I think you should try to find a support group in your area (or an online forum) dedicated to partners of people with terminal illness. I think you would find a lot of help and camaraderie with people who understand your situation.

^^^^^^^^^THIS

[TwoThree]

Good luck Kerry

[ronjaandbirk]

I have absolutely no advice, but I still have to say that i admire your loyalty, bravery and strength to tackle this. All the best of luck to you!

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

I haven't had a terminally ill partner, but I actually have been in and out of the hospital for the pass 17 days. Its had me very depressed which has had me and my partner fighting alot. While I don't know what you are going through and can't imagine how difficult it is, I just wanted to say what has helped us most is our "date nights" such as nights where we video chat, or watch a movie together, or something of that sort. It kinda just takes our minds off everything else.

I hope that helps. Also, stay strong!

[AnnaWright96]

I'm in a similar situation. My boyfriend isn't terminal but he has some major health problems. It's so painful not being with him, and the stress of the fights gets really bad. I'm sorry your going through that. What if he said not to go and you went anyways?