LDR issues - The schedule factor

[nc4081]

Hi

I was wondering if anyone could give some opinions and or advice on this situation:

My bf and I live 250 miles apart and consider this to be a LDR.

I am a postgraduate research student (receiving quite a low wage) and he works from home running his own company online (receiving a high wage.) I live in a shared house and he has his own house.

We met on the verge of summer this year, where I had finished semester and was working casually in temp jobs, the work was sporadic and I actually had quite a lot of free time so managed to go and stay with him for nice lengths of stays until recently. I also had my own apartment but due to financial circs, had to move in with others. I have my own bathroom though

Our schedules are thus:

I have now started back at university and my workload is ever increasing. I also am struggling financially so had to take on an extra job. I also commit to training in a gym at least 2 evenings per week, and I have a horse that requires daily care- though this is something a friend is prepared to help me out 50:50 on.

He has no fixed schedule and can choose the hours he works, with the exception of a social night once a week.

We both occasionally have weekend plans outside of the relationship.

My bf has expressed that he doesn't really like coming to stay with me because of the fact I am in a shared house, where he has the luxury of his own space through the front door 24/7. While I understand this, because I have a lot more in my schedule that ties me to my location, going to visit him is going to become increasingly difficult, with the added responsibilities of caring for an animal tying me down further. He also would prefer to work from his own house.

We both agreed that because of my financial difficulties, I would need to take on part time work surrounding my studies. I found a waitressing job, and am currently due to work twice a week, including a 4/5 hour shift on a Saturday.

Bf is not liking this at all, because it means that spending my weekends at his would be near impossible. If he lived closer it wouldn't be an issue, I could see him either side of work, but travel time to eachother is usually around the 4 hour mark.

Bf would really like me to try and move the weekend work to a week night instead, and try to arrange horse care for say 2/4 weekends in a month so we can take it in turns to visit.

I would be interested to learn what others would recommend if they were in my situation. Friends and family think he is being really inflexible and should be making much more of an effort to work around me, because I am the one with the much more regimented schedule. I think if I had my own place he would have less of a problem of travelling to me but I just can't afford it right now.

For the record my housemates (i live with 2 others) are nice, and we don't have to socialise with them when bf is here. The main constraint is keeping noise down late at night as one of them has trouble sleeping.

The whole thing is really getting to me. Thoughts?

N x

[Nymeria]

Difficult Situation and I do understand both sides, however; to me it sounds like he chooses to be inflexible (doesn't like to come to your house, prefers to work from his house, likes the freedom of his own space) while you can't really be very flexible (Your Job is there, your horse is there)

Of course in an Ideal world, your Weekends would be shared 50/50, but sometimes life gets in the way of ideal worlds.
But maybe i am also very much on your side because my time at University consisted of exactly what yours does - minus the BF.

Have you ever asked him if the Situation would be different if you had your own place?

[differentcountries]

If he earns a lot, I will suggest that he comes to visit you and he can take most of the bill for a hotel in your area. That way you can be close to all you need to do, and both of you can get privacy.

[snow]

LDRs are about compromises and I agree that he is a bit inflexible. Yes, being at his place gives you the comfort of not having to share any room and it makes it easy for you to do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do them, but if he is the more flexible one, he should try to make some sacrifices.

I think you should see if you can move the work hours to a weekday ONLY if that would not stress you out completely.

[p_b82]

Being a home worker I can understand the desire not to work outside of the 'office' but there are times when you do it to make things work better.

I'd say honestly he was being rather unreasonable with his inflexibility here - yes staying in a shared house is not great, but really what is the big deal?

If he is upset that you need to work because your are on a low wage, then he could offer to support you slightly instead too....

[rhabdoviridae]

Do you board at a self-care facility? How much more expensive would it be to move to full-board where the feeding/mucking/etc is all taken care of by someone else?

I agree that he needs to compromise somewhat, and the idea of him paying for a hotel when he visits isn't a bad one. That being said, the solution may be that you don't get too see each other every weekend.