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Spontaneous trip - am i being irrational and selfish?

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    #1

    Spontaneous trip - am i being irrational and selfish?

    So my SO and I have the longest wait between visits we have ever had. 3 months. I was recently approved a vacation day, so was trying to change to an earlier flight for our thanksgiving visit. However flights are so expensive to change, that it costs the same to book a whole new trip as it is to change the flight. So I proposed changing my vacation day and doing a spontaneous trip to him next weekend, in addition to Thanksgiving.

    Except that his response was that he had concert tickets and is busy that weekend. I am super upset. I'm not his mate. I am his girlfriend. My feelings are seriously hurt that he is choosing a concert over me. If he randomly decided to come and visit, I would be ecstatic. Especially since it has been 2 months since I last saw him.

    Do I have a right to be upset, or am I being selfish?
    I'll be seeing you again.
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    #2
    *shrug* I think you shouldn't get hurt or upset if you proposed an idea and he honestly told you that he has plans already / that he is busy. This is not something he was prepared for, it might even be that he is being super busy that weekend so he can be absolutely free for you when you come. It's not like you showed up and he decided to leave you at home alone, which would be really hurtful. He had tickets bought and doesn't have any for you/doesn't want you to be sitting at home alone, so he declined. I think that's reasonable. There is people out there who don't like surprise visits as they mess up what they were going to do, my fiance is one of those.

    Instead of getting hurt, you should try to find a different date that works for the both of you. Waiting a week longer is not going to kill you :P

    Relationship began: 05/22/2012
    First Met: 03/21/2013 - 03/30/2013
    Second Visit: 06/06/2013 - 08/21/2013 ~ Proposal: 07/06/2013 ♥
    Third Visit: 10/09/2013 - 01/08/2013
    Closed the distance: 11/20/2014 ♥
    Married: 1/24/2015
    Became Resident: 9/14/2015

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      #3
      It is a tricky one this.

      In an LDR you can't just show up easily without planning it with friends/family or the partner.

      This might be a concert he has been looking forward to for months so I can understand why he would say he is busy that weekend (or the tickets are very expensive etc).

      You always have the right to be upset, but you can't always have the right to be upset if plans that you have made on your own don't work out either. just because you would be happy doesn't automatically mean he would be.

      I just say be grateful you are able to go over for thanksgiving anyway, it is only a few weeks away

      Comment

        #4
        The way I was raised, friends are sacret - just don't just dump them if a girlfriend or boyfriend comes along to want your time. Of course a gf or bf gets bigger priority, but a plan with a friend is a plan with a friend. I guess he already payed for the concert tickets, maybe it is a special band he wanted to see. You could try to buy an extra ticket for yourself and join him and his friends. If SO hopytheticallly came for a surprise visit to see me, I would be super happy, but I would still go along with my weekend more or less as planned, I could rescedule less imporant things but for the most part he would have had to tag along. If I came to see him for a surprise, I know he would prefer to know it a little in advance, so he would have time to arrange things, for instance with work (he work superlong hours but sometimes he is able to shift things around).

        You can feel upset. But does it solve anything? This is purely a matter of logistics; how to organize your visits. You made a suggestion which he declined, you want to be spontanious, he likes to plan. This just means you have to make a better plan. It doesn't mean he loves you less, it means that his mind and yours work differently.

        Your other posts suggest that you sort of expect him to read your mind and also react the same as you in vital matters. This is a big mistake. This is the time to be realistic and realize that you are probably very different in some areas of life, and learn how to deal with those differences with care. If you don't start this very soon, you risk misreading his personality as something hurtful towards you, making him feel crititized for his way of thinking, making you feel alone. Respect goes both ways.
        Last edited by differentcountries; November 4, 2014, 09:21 PM.
        I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
        - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



        "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

        Comment

          #5
          I can understand that. It creates guilt as he was looking forward to it, but feels bad because he doesn't want to leave you on your own. He would've planned this when he knew that band was touring which would've been a while ago. Why not see if there are tickets left and offer to go with if he's ok with that. If not, book another time. Surprise visits are hard unless you know family that can tell you what weekends suit.

          Comment

            #6
            I think you are way over reacting. You suggested something, it didn't work out because your SO has his own interests/outings. And that's healthy!
            So, here you are
            too foreign for home
            too foreign for here.
            Never enough for both.
            Ijeoma Umebinyuo, Diaspora Blues

            Comment

              #7
              I agree with everyone else. Depending on the band, maybe the tickets were really hard to get, or they're only coming to the area once after a really long time. If my SO planned a surprise visit the day my favorite band is playing (which by the way, some of my favorite bands only come to my area every once in a while and I jump at the chance to buy tickets), I'd be a little bummed and tell him that I didn't think the trip would work out because of my concert. Plus, you guys are going to see each other around Thanksgiving, be thankful for that. He's not shutting you down from coming at all, just that this particular weekend you wanted to come down doesn't work for him.

              It's happened to me before when I wanted to go see my SO, but he told me he already had plans with his friends and didn't want me waiting around for him to come home. It's understandable. He's being respectful to you.

              Comment

                #8
                I can understand being a little hurt but I don't think you should act on it in any way. He has plans already. He's entitled to that. Spend the money you would have spent on something else for yourself and call it good.



                Met online: 1/30/11
                Met in person: 5/30/12
                Second visit: 9/12/12
                Closed the distance: 1/26/13!!!

                Comment

                  #9
                  took you guys advice and let it go. Good decision because I was being unreasonable. Silver lining: my travel agent was able to break up my flight home in December (flying home to Sydney for a vacation and the layover is in LA, where he is) so I get to stay overnight with him on my way home for free! worked out after all. And yes, he knows very well that I'll be coming through.
                  I'll be seeing you again.

                  Comment

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