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    #1

    Break Up

    Hey, just looking for some advice.

    I am 24, from New Zealand, ex was 22, from Lebanon. We were friends, then moved to Skype. In March 2014, we started dating. We were both serious, knew LDR would be hard, and I am her first boyfriend. Our goal was to meet and eventually marry within five years (yes, serious relationship).

    I love unconditionally and fully, and am quite needy (though I have improved vastly). I rush too, but this time kept it very calm and reserved. We were great for six months, had one small argument (over text too, which I resolved on Skype), and then a week later I received the 'We need a serious talk'.

    She felt her love had dimmed (yet was saying 'I love you' during the break up). It was a 'It's not you, it's me' scenario. I quietly let her go, and had her laughing at some jokes and everything to try to have her smiling.

    I did a week of no contact, then asked if she wanted to skype (slap hand). No, of course. A week later, I did it again (really slap hand) and she was antagonistic and said 'You can't wait, you never wait'.

    It's nearly a month from the break up, two weeks of solid NC. We are still friends on fb but don't like/comment/message at all.

    Advice please. I miss her dearly, and she was really the most amazing woman. I am not angry at her, and know she needs space. I want her back, and want to look calm and collected in my personal and online life.
    Last edited by S1990; November 6, 2014, 04:49 AM.
    Tags: break up
    #2
    Honestly, stop trying to contact her.

    She has let you go as softly as she can with the cliche, but has decided the LDR with you is not for her - I am sorry but I have to say going from March to November to have already planned you are going to be married is moving pretty quickly esp when it is her first relationship..

    she has made it clear that she doesn't want to continue the relationship and feels that your contact is unwanted right now, so continue to keep your distance. I'd un-friend her on FB too personally. If she wants to be friends later she can re-contact you, or you can do so in a 6-12 months once you have had a chance to heal.

    Comment

      #3
      Thank you for the advice. Well, we decided the marriage thing toward the end. We're the kind of people who get into a relationship with that as a goal, quite old-fashioned and serious. Obviously, it wasn't marriage within three-four years. She brought it up, and we both felt mutual about it.

      Okay. One thing I'm afraid of is that she will take the unfriending negatively. I don't plan to contact her for months. I have a new job, and am focusing entirely on that and my own self-improvement. I'll keep the friend thing, but will make sure not to stalk her profile or actually be on fb too much at all.

      Thank you for the answer. I love her, and don't want to pressure/hurt her. She's done nothing wrong, and if her feelings have changed permanently, that is how she feels

      Comment

        #4
        Originally posted by p_b82 View Post
        Honestly, stop trying to contact her.

        She has let you go as softly as she can with the cliche, but has decided the LDR with you is not for her - I am sorry but I have to say going from March to November to have already planned you are going to be married is moving pretty quickly esp when it is her first relationship..

        she has made it clear that she doesn't want to continue the relationship and feels that your contact is unwanted right now, so continue to keep your distance. I'd un-friend her on FB too personally. If she wants to be friends later she can re-contact you, or you can do so in a 6-12 months once you have had a chance to heal.
        Agreed. My SO and I have been together for almost 2 years and don't have any real plans of getting married. You may have scared her off by pushing.

        Comment

          #5
          Yeah, I guess it may have, though she talked about it more than I did. We were like that, very serious and family focused. Old-fashioned is the word :P But yes, I really worked hard not to rush, in any way (even in meeting, I said 'Take your time, we'll do it when the time comes')

          Do you think my first contact with her (probably next year) should be by letter, skype?

          Comment

            #6
            Originally posted by S1990 View Post
            Yeah, I guess it may have, though she talked about it more than I did. We were like that, very serious and family focused. Old-fashioned is the word :P But yes, I really worked hard not to rush, in any way (even in meeting, I said 'Take your time, we'll do it when the time comes')

            Do you think my first contact with her (probably next year) should be by letter, skype?
            I think for now, you shouldn't think about contacting her at all. Your feelings for her may change after a while, once you've really had time not talking to her. If she takes you unfriending her in a negative way, well then...that's her fault. You need to do what you need to do to heal and move on, as well as honor her wishes of not contacting her and unfriending her will allow you to do that.

            A month of being broken up and 2 weeks of no contact is nothing.

            Comment

              #7
              Good points, good points. Thanks for that, I appreciate your honesty (please be as blunt as you like, I don't like people who treat me like I'm fragile or something :P )

              Well, I am focusing on working out, doing my art, writing my novel, and enjoying my new job, so I don't have much time to mope or even be tempted to contact. Any time I do feel like contacting her, I talk to someone else, and the feeling passes.

              Also, I'll be quitting smoking in a few days! ^_^

              Comment

                #8
                Originally posted by S1990 View Post
                Good points, good points. Thanks for that, I appreciate your honesty (please be as blunt as you like, I don't like people who treat me like I'm fragile or something :P )

                Well, I am focusing on working out, doing my art, writing my novel, and enjoying my new job, so I don't have much time to mope or even be tempted to contact. Any time I do feel like contacting her, I talk to someone else, and the feeling passes.

                Also, I'll be quitting smoking in a few days! ^_^
                Yep. Just keep doing what you're doing. And, good for you for quitting smoking soon!

                Comment

                  #9
                  She broke up, you still want to continue but hey...she BROKE UP with you. She doesn't want to be together with you. Her being kind doesn't mean that you have any chance of getting back together, she probably just tried to not hurt your feelings. Yes, there were some things that she liked, and some things she didn't, about you and the whole situation, and in the end the verdict was not in your favour. The fact that she talked about marriage more than you did is not a good sign, it means she was in over her head and now she is sobering up. You have used our chances, I am sorry, but this is the end of the story, not the interlude in between acts in the play. I don't think you shoud contact her next year, at all. Maybe the year after that, when you have had more than a year to sober up yourself, but you have to think about the possability that you will never again be a couple.
                  I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
                  - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



                  "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Thanks for the last comment. Yeah, that hit home, and it makes sense. One last detail:

                    She said 'I hope we do get together again soon, because you are a great man, and I do love you'.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      What is there to hope about? There is not any natural force stopping her. She just doesn't want to. In fact, I think it is cruel of her to give you falske hope like this. If she really means that she expects you to sit around and wait for her in case she changes her mind, well... only you know if you are willing to bet on the slowest horse in the race.
                      Last edited by differentcountries; November 6, 2014, 08:40 PM.
                      I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
                      - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



                      "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Originally posted by S1990 View Post
                        Thanks for the last comment. Yeah, that hit home, and it makes sense. One last detail:

                        She said 'I hope we do get together again soon, because you are a great man, and I do love you'.
                        Ahhhh, the famous words that are meant to keep you hanging. I'm not saying that she doesn't love you - but that's very different from being IN love with you. Comments like this are her way of keeping you wondering and hoping so that if she wants to come back later, she can. Don't let it hold you up. Go live your life - you deserve it.
                        To those who dream, nothing is ever far away.

                        ​Distance is to love as wind is to fire. It blows out the little ones and fans the big ones.

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Agree with the other posters - that line is purely so that you will be there to be her backup/security blanket for when things for her get tough or don't work out the way she wanted them to with her next/current BF.

                          I love two females in my circle of friends in different ways and for different reasons, but they are friends only. I am *in* love with only my GF - there is a big difference emotionally between the two.

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Thank you.

                            She unfriended me last night, so it finally hit that it is over. I think it is time to focus on myself and move on. I may return here for some support and updates if things get too heavy. Thank you again, one and all.

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Originally posted by S1990 View Post
                              Thank you.

                              She unfriended me last night, so it finally hit that it is over. I think it is time to focus on myself and move on. I may return here for some support and updates if things get too heavy. Thank you again, one and all.
                              I know it's hard but I think it's definitely for the best. It will get better and easier.
                              To those who dream, nothing is ever far away.

                              ​Distance is to love as wind is to fire. It blows out the little ones and fans the big ones.

                              Comment

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