Being supportive without being "there"

[WestCoastKiddo]

So my girlfriend and I are still fairly new to the whole LDR, my first time. We've been together since February and we've been apart for almost 3 months now. Things have been going pretty well all around, but I'm finding it difficult to support her from so far away. After a rough day or week I call but by the time we get off the phone she just seems annoyed. I like to ask about her day, she doesn't want to get into it. I ask what her plans are, it's more work. I know she just wants me listen to her when something crappy happens but what do I do when she doesn't want to talk about it??? Any advice on just being more generally supportive would be much appreciated!

[sweetshay]

Well I think if she's uninterested in discussing it don't pressure her.. try to take her mind off of what's stressing her even without knowing what's wrong, you don't have to get caught up in the issue to fix it. She may feel more comfortable/mentally prepared discussing it at another time. My SO asks me what's wrong a few times then lets it go.. and he just tries to get me to smile and stays positive rather than feeding off of my sad energy. Maybe you can try to send her a spontaneous gift like flowers (if that's her thing) or gift card for a spa. It seems like she's just stressed but I think she will appreciate patience and understanding. Hopefully things get better.

[differentcountries]

Your relationship is new, you will learn this as you go along...But rememer that people doesn't always want to go in detail, they just want you to KNOW. My SO can tell me about something unfortunate in one sentence, and if I ask about details he will go: If we talk about it more it makes me sad. I mean, if she has like a big issue of course it is useful to talk about it, but many things in life you just have to shoulder throught them. When SO is sad or tired or angry, I just say: "Poor you". That is like my code word for all my care that goes to him. I don't need to understand all, but I want to know about the headlines in his life and I want to care about them.

As the relationship developeds, you will find your own humour and little code speak that can be very usedful to say imporant things in few words. And it is imporant to laugh together. Sometimes I tell SO about my day, and even if it was bad (like last plane there was a woman sitting close to me chatting very loudly to her friend and son the WHOLE time, and even so she got super annoyed at me just because the lid of my salad bowl made the sun come into her eyes for like 5 seconds) I try to tell it in a way that makes it funny, so that I make a little fun of myself too, for being there and putting up with it). And smal things we did in the past we can say: Remember when you did that....

[p_b82]

My GF and I have a similar situation, where it is very easy to fall into the default "Hoe did you sleep/how was your day etc" or only talking about the negatives, which doesn't make talking about stuff all too happy generally when it is only the negative stuff.

My GF is also not used to sharing all the little details, and felt that it was a controlling aspect on my behalf (and was also getting annoyed) but once she explained why, and understood my motives she is working better to fill in the blanks for me, and so I need ask less, and can provide 'support' in other ways.... Talking to each other though is needed to work out where you both stand on this information sharing line, and understanding that while she might not ask or tell you stuff, it is not a slap in your face, it is just a different way her brain could be wired up/ different way of behaving so formed habit etc.

If she doesn't want to do more than just talk, then just listen, say some comforting words, and end it with "If I can help you with any of that let me know" and move on to a new topic so take her mind off it....