How do I cope?

[Jacisaurusrex]

Four days ago my boyfriend who has been living with me for almost 4 months (been together roughly 7 months) told me he was moving to Portland, Or (from Richmond, Va). He asked me to come. He feels like there is nothing here for him and he wants a fresh start.

I've known he's wanted to move away as he is dissatisfied with this state, even though his immediately family lives about an hour north and his mom just had a new baby. We've talked about several places but we know no one in Oregon, so it was a strange choice.

As an adult, I have responsibilities so our tentative plan is for him to go first and me to follow in a few months when I have everything in this state lined up (lease, bills, arrangements, etc)

My question is how do you deal with the myriad of emotions? I'm so angry at him for making this decision so rashly, just dropped a bomb on me. He claims he's thought things through but his perception of Portland is there is opportunity out there for him. He plans on attending community college and transfer to university in 2 years. He thinks Portland is cheaper than Richmond, but when I asked an old friend from college who recently made the same move she said cost of living is higher and the job market is very tough. I think part of that is because he is younger than me and I've experienced life a bit more than he has. I'm also afraid he'll go and forget about me or maybe meet someone else even though we plan to stay together and for him to come back and bring me with him. I'm constantly sad because he leaves in roughly one month. I want to make every moment count but it's very hard for me when I have all these emotions.

Day 1 when he told me was crying and yelling then I had to leave for work. Day 2 more crying but communication. Day 3 acceptance, a plan, trying.
Day 4 frustration because he said he'd be home at 9pm to spend time with me, then pushed it back a couple times and got home at 1am falling asleep shortly thereafter.

I'm trying to be ok with this, but it's hard and I get frustrated with him. I don't want to sabotage our relationship but I think I am. We love eachother and we're trying. How do I deal?

[snow]

To be honest, I would not be okay with this at all. Dropping this onto someone without considering their feelings is not acceptable in a relationship. I would be furious! I think this would be a huge problem for me and I would not know how to deal with this.. sorry

[p_b82]

If the boot was on the other foot, how would he have reacted if you had dropped that sort of a bombshell on him?

I say that he needs to work on his actual plans and have more of a real world idea of what he is going to do, and why a 'fresh start' is what he needs.

moving for the sake of moving to me is a waste of time, money and energy - if he has a concrete plan lined up then fine. It is all well and good thinking there is a better opportunity, but 'knowing' is another thing. Lots of other people could have the same idea and you have local knowledge that the job market is tough. So I would not be prepared to just run off quite so quickly if it were me....

[Miasmata]

This sounds very unhealthy to me. Almost 4 months isn't even that long of a time - Getting settled in properly in a new place can take a while, and you need to put in effort to get comfortable. But instead of talking to you about how to make it work, he just so decides to move and expects you to come with him? Plus, the living situation in Portland won't be that good, and it seems like your SO doesn't even have a job or a clear plan lined up yet. I would really not let him go through with this so easily, it sounds like a very bad decision for the both of you.

[barb757]

i wouldn't be ok with it either. seems like he needs to do some research before he actually goes.

[differentcountries]

My biggest issue with this is not his lack of planning (my husband moved to this city on a hunch, that turned out just fine), it more that he has simply decided this without consulting it with you. I don't understand how anyone in a long term relationship can do that, let alone when you have lived together several months. That being said, it is not always easy to transition from thinking as an individual to thinking and acting as a couple. So, he just said he prefers to live some place else. Clearly his is very impulsive, so why do you act as if this is now his plan, let alone your plan as a couple? If my SO said: honey, in 3 months time we will both live somewhere else I would simply go: no, we are not! I let SO alternate where we stay, but it is usually just like our town or the neighbouring city, not a total uprooting.

I think you should sit down with him and ask him why he needs to go away, why this place and why he thinks you have not say in this - and why he is actually expecting you to follow him like you are his child, not his partner. The way I see it, if he insists on leaving, he un-moved you moving in together and set the relationship back one stage. If you should consider moving after him, that should be a dection you make AFTER seeing how he settles in in his new place, finds a job, finds friends etc. - if you see that yes, he was in fact right that he would be happy there and he has settled in well etc, you can consider joining him. Maybe he is right that a change will do him good. But will it make you good? He is responsible for your wellbeeing too, not just his own.

[TaraMarie]

Has he even BEEN to Oregon, ever? I moved my entire family from NY to GA, but I visited first, and found a job and sold my house BEFORE we moved! You may want to rethink this if you are happy with your life in VA.