Lots of problems - I need advices

[Cristiana]

Okay so, even if I wrote about some issues in my blog and some of you replied, Im gonna talk about it also here because things are getting harder and even if I think that all we have to do is wait, maybe someone out there has some good advice.

On this period things between me and my SO are not going so well, problems are adding one after another and the distance just complicates things more and makes them worse.

First issue is that he's thinking about wanting a family, but he cant have it now with me and he doesnt know if he can wait years for me (while I finish school and find a job to save money in order to move).
Im looking at this as a possible deal breaker.

Another issue is that Id have the possibility to visit him now that Im finally 18 and that Im making some money selling drawings (I love this!) but he doesnt want me to go there because he doesnt want me to stay at his place and either to stay somewhere else, knowing that Im there and he's pushing me away from his house. Now I dont want to talk about the reasons why he doesnt want to, but I accept them since he explained them to me and it's a delicate topic.
I accept them, yes, but I do want also to make my part in this LDR and I do want to go there for example for his birthday. I wanted to make him a surprise in March but after he told me this, I dont know if I can do it anymore.

Also, seems like things arent the same as in the first months. I know this is normal since a relationship cant be always exciting like it is in the first period, but it really gets me down seeing that he lost some of those little things I loved so much. Like random calls or sweet texts, long emails we were used to send to each other, all those I love yous and I miss yous, all those sweet and funny nicknames he used to gave to me..
Now everything is a bit "colder", except when we're together. When he's here everything is perfect,
we dont think about anything, we havent any problem, we laugh together and have fun.

But distance seems to ruin everything, filling our minds with thoughts and our lives with problems.

How can we handle this situation?

[sweetshay]

I'm sorry to hear that you are unable to see him, I don't understand why if you were able to stay in a hotel, he could not join you? I'm sure you know the answer. But that seems to add even more strain to the relationship because now you can only see each other when he is able to come see you.

I don't know how old your SO is but it sounds like there is a decent age gap between you. 18 is young (I know that's probably the last thing you want to hear), and although it is ultimately your choice, I think you're definitely young to be thinking about settling down and having children - hopefully he realizes that. I'm only 22 and i'm still not ready but everyone is different. As you said you still have to finish college and do all the things people in our age group are normally doing. I think his desire to create a family now but being unable to in the relationship is a big red flag which you seem to already know. I was in a very long relationship - about 4 years - where my SO was about 4 years older than me and was ready to move in together and start a family as well. I fought against this and it totally changed the dynamic of the relationship and we ultimately didn't make it. I was younger and still wanted my freedom and personal space. I feel that unless you two closed the distance somehow this is going to be a difficult obstacle to overcome. I would hope that you and your SO can come to a ground of understanding that your lives are calling for different things, and establishing an education and career seem like they should be more important than starting a family. That would be asking him if he is willing to be patient while you get yourself ready to be able to provide for a family. If he is not.. I think you have to decide whether you want to continue to move forward. He could begin to resent the fact that he is unable to have a family which could then lead to the lack of affection while not together. You are still young and you have plenty of time to think about those things.

I believe that, yes, it is normal for that fiery spark to die down in relationships but not to the point where you feel insignificant unless you're right in his face. I can't stand it when someone stops doing the things that made me fall in love with them in the first place. It leaves me with the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach, so i'm sorry to hear this. I think in order for things to work the affection should be strong in both instances - close proximity or far away. Have you talked about him not doing those sweet things you love so much anymore? Have you tried to also initiate those things yourself as well? Maybe you guys should have a serious heart to heart about some things so that both sides are understood, let all those thoughts out. Let him know that, "hey, I really miss those things you did and it would make me happy if we kept doing that." Sometimes talking about the good old times helps. Like "Remember the time when we did such and such... we should do that again." It may give you something to smile and giggle about together at least...

I hope this helps, and I really do wish you the best of luck with everything.

[Cristiana]

Yes I talked about it with him, about the old stuff that we were used to do and we dont do anymore.. He just told me "Yes, you're right. I feel a bit different in this period because of these thoughts of mine, so I dont feel like acting the same as before right now" or something like that.

I dont ask anything here that I didnt ask first to my SO, that's why Im here: seems like I dont know what else to do with this situation

[differentcountries]

Okay so, even if I wrote about some issues in my blog and some of you replied, Im gonna talk about it also here because things are getting harder and even if I think that all we have to do is wait, maybe someone out there has some good advice.

On this period things between me and my SO are not going so well, problems are adding one after another and the distance just complicates things more and makes them worse.

First issue is that he's thinking about wanting a family, but he cant have it now with me and he doesnt know if he can wait years for me (while I finish school and find a job to save money in order to move).
Im looking at this as a possible deal breaker.

Another issue is that Id have the possibility to visit him now that Im finally 18 and that Im making some money selling drawings (I love this!) but he doesnt want me to go there because he doesnt want me to stay at his place and either to stay somewhere else, knowing that Im there and he's pushing me away from his house. Now I dont want to talk about the reasons why he doesnt want to, but I accept them since he explained them to me and it's a delicate topic.
I accept them, yes, but I do want also to make my part in this LDR and I do want to go there for example for his birthday. I wanted to make him a surprise in March but after he told me this, I dont know if I can do it anymore.

Also, seems like things arent the same as in the first months. I know this is normal since a relationship cant be always exciting like it is in the first period, but it really gets me down seeing that he lost some of those little things I loved so much. Like random calls or sweet texts, long emails we were used to send to each other, all those I love yous and I miss yous, all those sweet and funny nicknames he used to gave to me..
Now everything is a bit "colder", except when we're together. When he's here everything is perfect,
we dont think about anything, we havent any problem, we laugh together and have fun.

But distance seems to ruin everything, filling our minds with thoughts and our lives with problems.

How can we handle this situation?

Do believe it is possible to compromise on the kid thing? It doesn't sound like you disagree on the issue of having kids, exactly.... And surely if you are to have kids, you need some kind of education to support them.

We were romantic flowers and sweets and talking for hours every night the first 2-3 months, have not been like that since! He also had his month were he was a little distant, to the point of me thinking of breaking up with him (I learned to not wait more than a day to raise an issue now). Yes. in a longer relationship you have to talk, which can be boring and problematic. But also, after those conversations it is possible to get closer. You have to be a little brave, and rock the boat every now and then.

[Miasmata]

Yes, you definitely should be adressing these worries with him. Particularly the kids thing is a bit worrying - You're 18, and you got quite a lot of stuff in your life to figure out, still. It's important to take that one step at a time and in the way that works for you. Him adding that kind of pressure on a young woman like that is not very healthy. Expecting you to know already whether you want kids with him or not is very premature in the relationship and your age.

It's not easy, but if you aren't happy, bring it up with him. Your wellbeing is important, and you don't need to give in to that kind of pressure.

[Cristiana]

Yes, you definitely should be adressing these worries with him. Particularly the kids thing is a bit worrying - You're 18, and you got quite a lot of stuff in your life to figure out, still. It's important to take that one step at a time and in the way that works for you. Him adding that kind of pressure on a young woman like that is not very healthy. Expecting you to know already whether you want kids with him or not is very premature in the relationship and your age.

It's not easy, but if you aren't happy, bring it up with him. Your wellbeing is important, and you don't need to give in to that kind of pressure.

The fact is, I always tell to him when Im worried or sad or anything. He just says that we cant do anything right now so we dont have to worry and "what will happen, will happen" and we need to continue living the present without worrying about a possible ending.
But Im not like that, at all. Im with my mind on the present when things are going great. But they are not. And so I always have to talk it out and he doesnt seem to like it.. He always tell me "I dont want to talk about this anymore", he thinks that the solution to the problem is to avoid the problem. And everytime Im not happy with the situation and I get upset or sad and I try to talk to him, he get pissed off.

I want to talk about this when we'll meet on Christmas holidays, I dont honestly care if he doesnt want to. Im not gonna lose the chance to finally talk face to face. I know this will create problems anyway.

[differentcountries]

It sounds like a good idea to bring it up. If, like you say, you always go along well on visits, that might be a good time, perhaps over dinner. And you can reherse what you want to say and how you want to phraze it. One way of maybe reaching him can be to ask his permission to bring it up, maybe make a deal about it. Like, is it ok if I bring up something if I say forehand I don't expect you to have the solutions?

[Cristiana]

One way of maybe reaching him can be to ask his permission to bring it up, maybe make a deal about it. Like, is it ok if I bring up something if I say forehand I don't expect you to have the solutions?

This is a good idea, thank you.

[Cristiana]

Positive updates!

Two nights ago I sent him two scanned letters where I wrote all of my thoughts and worries. Day after he replied on whatsapp but he was already offline when I saw it, so we talked in the night in the end. And he said he wanted to talk about those worries and give me best answers! I told him to call me, he said no (because I always keep him over the phone for hours and he's sleepy ) but in the end he told me "Take your phone, I'll call you" with a sweet emoticon. We talked one hour and half and after talking about everything regarding this situation, we made a compromise (normally he doesnt want to ever make them): I wont set my mind anymore on the past or the future or my worries or all this stuff that make me sad, and he will update me every once in awhile when he'll notice changes on these thoughts of him.

Im so happy and soo relieved.

[Miasmata]

Compromises are vital for a relationship. You don't need to be compromising all the time, but being able and willing to do it when encessary is so important. I really hope he loosens up about that.

Glad to hear things are improving. Don't feel like you can't be open with him now, though, or that you are forbidden from being sad. Your feelings are valid, and I really hope you don't think they're not. Your post is a bit concerning, is all. I hope for the best.