Feeling like I get no support, feeling lonely

[Polly]

I've been long distance with my SO for over a year now, and I am reaching the breaking point.

I admit there are some days where I feel more worse than others, where I cry and feel unbearably sad. Usually it lasts only a day or so, but for the past month I've been feeling not only sad but like I'm totally disconnected emotionally from my boyfriend.

We only get to see each other for a few days every two months, and talk twice a week.

My boyfriend is always busy working, and when he's not working I feel that he needs time to himself. He does make time for me, but on the days we don't talk (Skype or phone), we text maybe a few texts in total during the course of the day. For some people that may be enough, but it's leaving me wanting more.

Unfortunately, I've brought this up many times, and he has said that he is focused on work, so if he happens to be working late (and usually it's almost everyday), he is too focused to even stop and send me a text.

I understand that, so I've accepted the two video chats a week, but I just don't feel like we're close anymore. I still love him and he is okay with the amount of communication, and he still loves me, but we have to be long distance for another two years, so at this rate, I'm starting to lose hope that I'll be able to handle this for that long.

Because my SO is so busy working all the time, it's not like I can just text him or call whenever I need to talk him when I'm going through a rough time, or need support if I'm having a bad day.

When I need emotional support for whatever reason, he is not the person I think of to talk to, usually it's a close friend or my sister.

I just feel really alone in our relationship. I feel more alone than when I wasn't in a relationship.

I want to have a serious talk about our relationship and how I feel, but think it would be better to talk about it face to face when I visit him in a month.

Should I wait until then to have a serious talk or is it better to talk about it earlier instead of waiting?

I don't even know what I would say though. The problem with my SO is that I know he doesn't like talking. He has told me he hates talking on the phone, and isn't the type of person to send emails talking about his day. When I brought up the idea of just sending me an email about his day when he's too tired to text or talk and he responded "ugh, that takes too much thought after a long day of work".

So he's not big into texting or emailing now, but when we first started dating in the same city, we texted and emailed a lot. I blame it on his work taking up all of his time and energy.

I feel really stuck and have thoughts of regret about agreeing to being long distance, but then I still love him. If we communicated more I would be much happier, but if he says he can't due to work, than either I accept that and deal with it, or I don't and we break up?

Ever since we started long distance, I had to go on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs, and in general I just feel run-down and unhappy. I try to take care of myself, I'm independent, go out and do things, I write, do things I love. But the difference, before I was sad because I missed him, now I'm sad because I just feel like we're barely in a relationship, that we're just existing, and I feel like I want more.

I have no idea what to do other than to wait until our visit next month to see how I feel. Usually, when I see him in person, my doubts lessen.

[Petals]

I've been long distance with my SO for over a year now, and I am reaching the breaking point.



When I need emotional support for whatever reason, he is not the person I think of to talk to, usually it's a close friend or my sister.

I just feel really alone in our relationship. I feel more alone than when I wasn't in a relationship.
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Ever since we started long distance, I had to go on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs, and in general I just feel run-down and unhappy. I try to take care of myself, I'm independent, go out and do things, I write, do things I love. But the difference, before I was sad because I missed him, now I'm sad because I just feel like we're barely in a relationship, that we're just existing, and I feel like I want more.

I have no idea what to do other than to wait until our visit next month to see how I feel. Usually, when I see him in person, my doubts lessen.

This aspect of your post stands out to me. It is of major concern!

You should feel like you can rely on your SO for support the moment something emotionally disturbing has occur. Yes your family and friends should be part of your support system but your SO should be in the top 3.

I truly get how busy he is as my SO works extremely long hours, 7 days per week.. The difference though is that if I'm happy, or sad he is the first person who comes to mind and I will pick the phone up and send him a message because he will respond as soon as he sees it. Even if he doesn't have a lot of time he will pause and talk to me at that time, if only for a few mins. If it is a major event he will call me to talk through it. What I deal with is the time difference where I sometimes have to wait until he wakes up to tell him something because I do not want to disturb his sleep.


In the past I have encouraged you to be understanding but this is not something positive in your relationship. Is it that you chose not to text him about an issue because you don't wish to disturb him or you don't text because he's not responsive when you have done so?


If coping with LDR is the reason you are on antidepressant and anxiety meds then you should not be in this relationship. A relationship should enhance your life; not add significant stress. It's not the LDR itself but the dynamics of your relationship.

I think you need to tell him the sections I quoted from your post. Tell him you need change because, you are not fulfilled in the relationship. Tell him that you cannot continue like this. You need change and if he cannot make the necessary changes you are prepared to walk away. You are at a crossroads and he needs to know that, so that he has a chance to make amends.

I think you need to be straightforward where this is concerned. No sugar coating.

[p_b82]

I have to agree with the above - any relationship that results in serious reduction of your way of life, that requires medication to help you though it, is not a healthy one.

I'd say this talk needs to happen before you go to visit - and you need to make it clear the importance of what you plan to say, so that the 'proper' time is given to it. You can agree to discuss further when you visit of course, but I think this needs to be given priority now.

Obviously you do not want to come across too aggressively, in it, but it really sounds that this relationship is currently imbalanced. if you two are not able to come to a compromise that works for you both, then it may well be time to walk away, as being depressed, and miserable is not a way of life that is sustainable - it is really bad for your health too longer term too!

I really hope you are able to work things out, but if not you should be prepared to build up the courage to do what is right for you in this circumstance and end it.

[Polly]

This aspect of your post stands out to me. It is of major concern!

You should feel like you can rely on your SO for support the moment something emotionally disturbing has occur. Yes your family and friends should be part of your support system but your SO should be in the top 3.

I truly get how busy he is as my SO works extremely long hours, 7 days per week.. The difference though is that if I'm happy, or sad he is the first person who comes to mind and I will pick the phone up and send him a message because he will respond as soon as he sees it. Even if he doesn't have a lot of time he will pause and talk to me at that time, if only for a few mins. If it is a major event he will call me to talk through it. What I deal with is the time difference where I sometimes have to wait until he wakes up to tell him something because I do not want to disturb his sleep.


In the past I have encouraged you to be understanding but this is not something positive in your relationship. Is it that you chose not to text him about an issue because you don't wish to disturb him or you don't text because he's not responsive when you have done so?

Petals, sometimes I don't message him because I don't want to disturb him. He works late most nights, and when I have had serious talks or text chats with him at night, it usually isn't a good time because he's just returned home from a long day and night of work and is too tired to have "serious relationship conversations".

One night I texted him late in the evening around 10 pm and he wasn't responsive (responded with one word answers) and he said he was working, so I took the hint and stopped. This was after not hearing from him for the whole day that day, which was why I wanted to reach out to him later that night to see how he was doing.

And I am usually the one who reaches out first because he's more busy than I am. I have accepted that this is how it'll be, and if I want to have some communication than I will be the one who will have to take action and initiate contact most days.

However, I don't feel like I can rely on him for support whenever I need it, because of something that happened prior to him moving away. A month before he was to leave, I was feeling really depressed about it and stayed over at his place. He felt frustrated because nothing he said made me feel better about him having to move away. All I needed really was for him to say things would be okay and to just be there. Instead he got irritated with me and spend the rest of the night on his computer ignoring me. The next morning he was upset and had a talk with me about how "I shouldn't rely on him for my happiness".

This made me upset, because I am a very independent person, who actually enjoyed being not in a relationship for a long time. I have my own apartment, work and put myself through school. This was the first time I ever really needed his comfort and he reacts as if I'm being needy and am too dependent on him. Afterwards, he admitted he had a knee-jerk reaction and things were fine. However, I think that whole incident has affected me in that I think twice before going to him for emotional support for whatever reason.

My boyfriend is a very independent person who just deals with things on his own.

Maybe I'm just going through a phase. If I still feel this way in a few weeks, then I'll talk to him about this.

[differentcountries]

It sounds like he doesn't really know how to deal with your vounerable side, perhaps because he is not in touch with his vounerable side. I have had quarrels about stuff like that with both my boyfriends, and they like to call me drama queen. The truth is, sometimes the boat needs to be rocked, if not politeness may take over in a bad way.

It sounds like he has little time or /and priorities for you. Which I don't really get, because even if you have to rest after working late there is time after that. But maybe you need to be more direct with your needs towards him. For instance your need to call /contact him in a crisis. While focusing at work is a wonderful thing, if done too much it can create too much of a distance.

[Petals]

Petals, sometimes I don't message him because I don't want to disturb him. He works late most nights, and when I have had serious talks or text chats with him at night, it usually isn't a good time because he's just returned home from a long day and night of work and is too tired to have "serious relationship conversations".

One night I texted him late in the evening around 10 pm and he wasn't responsive (responded with one word answers) and he said he was working, so I took the hint and stopped. This was after not hearing from him for the whole day that day, which was why I wanted to reach out to him later that night to see how he was doing.


However, I don't feel like I can rely on him for support whenever I need it, because of something that happened prior to him moving away. A month before he was to leave, I was feeling really depressed about it and stayed over at his place. He felt frustrated because nothing he said made me feel better about him having to move away. All I needed really was for him to say things would be okay and to just be there. Instead he got irritated with me and spend the rest of the night on his computer ignoring me. The next morning he was upset and had a talk with me about how "I shouldn't rely on him for my happiness".

This made me upset, because I am a very independent person, who actually enjoyed being not in a relationship for a long time. I have my own apartment, work and put myself through school. This was the first time I ever really needed his comfort and he reacts as if I'm being needy and am too dependent on him. Afterwards, he admitted he had a knee-jerk reaction and things were fine. However, I think that whole incident has affected me in that I think twice before going to him for emotional support for whatever reason.

My boyfriend is a very independent person who just deals with things on his own.

Maybe I'm just going through a phase. If I still feel this way in a few weeks, then I'll talk to him about this.

Polly, I don't presume to know exactly what your SO is thinking, but I think you have the answers to your past concerns about closing the distance/marriage etc.

The level of commitment that you require from him will not come anytime soon. A relationship is nowhere near the top of his list of priorities and he is not fostering a close relationship.

Whether or not he's an independent person, a man who is trying to bond with his partner not only supports her emotionally, but he seeks support from her. In other words, there is some level of interdependence.

I know people deal with things differently, and in particular men can find it difficult to deal with emotional stuff, so that night when you were emotional about his pending departure he might have been unsure of how to deal with it. However, his reaction is of great concern because that was COLD. I think it's an indication to his emotional connection to you and his current state of mind in regards to relationship.

You aren't going through a phase and you know it. Your discontent has been ongoing with spurts of satisfaction. Girl, you need to get the courage to make the break because he is in no position to give you what you want. Do not rely on him to tell you that neither because he gets what he needs from the relationship because the relationship operates on HIS terms.

He gets to have a relationship on his terms; the distance gives him all the convenience of having a relationship but not having to escalate it to another level. He doesn't have to make room for you in his daily life and can focus on his career. He sees you every few weeks and gets his sexual needs met and he has no problem footing the bill.

I'm not trying to reduce your relationship and indicating that he doesn't care about you. On some level he does, because he wouldn't make any attempt to sustain. He's doing the bare minimum though. A new relationship with someone in his city would take too much work and have too many demands on his time and he does not have that right now -TIME.

If you expect more from him now or in the near future, it is not likely to happen. If you can wait 3-5 yrs more then MAYBE he will reward you for waiting with a deeper commitment. On the other hand he might choose someone else when he's ready to prioritize a relationship. You have to decide if you can wait that long.

If I were you I would prepare myself to walk away very soon. If you were my sister I'd say don't waste anymore time with him.

((hugs)) Everything I say to you comes from a place of concern.

[rhabdoviridae]

I think you need to discuss this with him as soon as possible and he needs to make time for that conversation to happen. I don't think this relationship is worth continuing in its present state - having to start medication because of how miserable you are is not fair to you. It sounds like he hasn't made any compromise and you're left to pick up the pieces and deal with it.

I understand you love him, and the hopeless romantics out there think love can hold a relationship afloat in any storm. But you need respect, communication and compromise in an LDR especially and he isn't giving you any of those things. I would let him know that if nothing can change, you need to move on.

[Polly]

What makes this really confusing for me is that when we see each other in person he's really sweet and affectionate. Also, he's done things like buy video games for me that we can play together online with, and does show he cares in other ways.

He's great with being supportive of me when I have tangible problems, like when I said I had trouble sleeping because of the noise outside my apartment (I live downtown), he bought me special ear plugs. He just sucks at being supportive emotionally.

But it's true he did say he wouldn't even have time to date anyone where he is now even if he wanted to. I have had thoughts that this situation favors him since he can focus on his career without me being there to distract him. He has even said that if I was there with him, he would feel guilty not spending time with me because he would be too busy working. This makes me think me being in another country makes it easier for him to focus on work without the demand of a full time relationship.

On the other hand he does tell me he misses me.

I just feel very confused. I thought I was compromising by understanding that his work was his focus. He's tired all the time from work, so I am trying to be the understanding girlfriend. The problem is, I feel unsatisfied. The last time I asked for more communication, my boyfriend got upset and said he felt like he was being a bad boyfriend. It made me feel guilty for making him feel bad, like I was criticizing him.

I still don't know if I am right to bring up my concerns...

[differentcountries]

It is not a matter of him being a bad boyfriend, it is you talking about what you need in a relationship in order to trive. You tried patience, it only took you so far. He has to listen to your real concerns without falling apart from critisism. Then the two of you can find solutions, be it together or apart.

[Petals]

It is not a matter of him being a bad boyfriend, it is you talking about what you need in a relationship in order to trive. You tried patience, it only took you so far. He has to listen to your real concerns without falling apart from critisism. Then the two of you can find solutions, be it together or apart.

^^^^^^THIS

[Miasmata]

I can only echo that. Polly, if communication and support is such an issue over the distance, sooner or later it would become a problem when you move together, too. Your needs are valid, and you should really adress it.

[Polly]

I just found out he is saving up all his vacation time from work to go on a long vacation trip with his family in the summer, meaning we might go 7 months without seeing other because I will not have any vacation time left to visit him.

We both get very little vacation time from work (only 3 weeks allowed in a whole year)

I know seeing his family is important but I'm not sure I can last 6-7 months with no visits. I'm finding it hard enough at the 2 months we go with no in person visits.

[p_b82]

I think you need to think very seriously about this relationship and the direction it is going.

He could easily have been able to shorten some of the holiday with Family to spend a little time with you, or some other form of compromise

To me it sounds like his priorities are purely about what he wants, and not what you might need from him, and you just have to deal with it.... just doesn't sound balanced or that he treats you as his equal....

sorry if that makes hard reading, but is my opinion

[differentcountries]

I just found out he is saving up all his vacation time from work to go on a long vacation trip with his family in the summer, meaning we might go 7 months without seeing other because I will not have any vacation time left to visit him.

We both get very little vacation time from work (only 3 weeks allowed in a whole year)

I know seeing his family is important but I'm not sure I can last 6-7 months with no visits. I'm finding it hard enough at the 2 months we go with no in person visits.

If you are not able to join this family trip, then he is blocking your visits. What does he have to say about it? He better change his ways if he wants to be in a relationship.

[Polly]

This is going to be a difficult conversation because it will seem like I'm making him choose between his family and me, although it is reasonable for me to ask if he can spend only one week with his family instead of two, so that at least he can make time for me. Otherwise we won't see each other for 7 months.

I have been using all of my vacation time to come visit him. I realize this means I can't go on my own trips for pleasure, but I'm OK with that because I'd rather spend time with him.

His family also lives in Canada like me, so they want him to visit them too when he can (he moved to the States), but that means less time for me. They live in a different city than me in Canada, so he has to divide his vacation time between them and me. He's close to his parents and siblings so I try to be understanding. The last time he came up to Canada to visit I didn't have enough vacation time so we spent 3 days together and he spent 5 days with his family.

I don't want to come off as the demanding girlfriend from his family's point of view, so it has to be him who puts his foot down to make time for me.
I don't want the conversation between him and his family to be "sorry I can't spend as much time with you guys but Polly wants to see me too". I hope his family would be understanding though.

This whole situation is so far from the ideal. We have so many things working against us.

And yes, it makes me feel like I'm not a priority.