Feeling like I get no support, feeling lonely

[Miasmata]

It's good that you are being patient and willing to compromise, but that should only go so far. "Demanding girlfriend" or not, your needs are just as important as his in this relationship and you really need to assert that in front of him. It's not like you don't want him to spend time with his family at all - You just want some of his time to be for you and nobody else. In a relationship, that is really not too much to ask.

[Petals]

This is going to be a difficult conversation because it will seem like I'm making him choose between his family and me, although it is reasonable for me to ask if he can spend only one week with his family instead of two, so that at least he can make time for me. Otherwise we won't see each other for 7 months.

I have been using all of my vacation time to come visit him. I realize this means I can't go on my own trips for pleasure, but I'm OK with that because I'd rather spend time with him.

His family also lives in Canada like me, so they want him to visit them too when he can (he moved to the States), but that means less time for me. They live in a different city than me in Canada, so he has to divide his vacation time between them and me. He's close to his parents and siblings so I try to be understanding. The last time he came up to Canada to visit I didn't have enough vacation time so we spent 3 days together and he spent 5 days with his family.

I don't want to come off as the demanding girlfriend from his family's point of view, so it has to be him who puts his foot down to make time for me.
I don't want the conversation between him and his family to be "sorry I can't spend as much time with you guys but Polly wants to see me too". I hope his family would be understanding though.

This whole situation is so far from the ideal. We have so many things working against us.

And yes, it makes me feel like I'm not a priority.

Polly, try reading your posts aloud.

Do you realize how much you are tiptoeing around him? How much you are bending over backwards to accommodate his needs...This is not a sign of a healthy relationship. You should feel comfortable talking about anything with your partner without fear of judgement. You are so scared to lose him that you are sacrificing everything while he enjoys the relationship on HIS terms.

When do your needs become priority or even as important as his?

[Polly]

I will talk to him about this this weekend when we have our weekly weekend call. I could ask to talk tonight but he will be working really late and it will also give me time to think of what to say.

I know he knows how much visits are important to me, and he says we'll find time to see each other, but I don't know how that will work with him saving up his vacation time till the summer. He tends to try to reassure me with no practical plans in place.

Sometimes I feel like they're empty promises. I also feel that he treats our relationship lightly. Like when we have no plans in place for a visit, he'll say something like "well life is like that sometimes, you can't control the future". It makes it difficult because it makes me come off as too serious and " dramatic" when I bring up concerns.

We'll see how this goes...

[differentcountries]

This is going to be a difficult conversation because it will seem like I'm making him choose between his family and me, although it is reasonable for me to ask if he can spend only one week with his family instead of two, so that at least he can make time for me. Otherwise we won't see each other for 7 months.

I have been using all of my vacation time to come visit him. I realize this means I can't go on my own trips for pleasure, but I'm OK with that because I'd rather spend time with him.

His family also lives in Canada like me, so they want him to visit them too when he can (he moved to the States), but that means less time for me. They live in a different city than me in Canada, so he has to divide his vacation time between them and me. He's close to his parents and siblings so I try to be understanding. The last time he came up to Canada to visit I didn't have enough vacation time so we spent 3 days together and he spent 5 days with his family.

I don't want to come off as the demanding girlfriend from his family's point of view, so it has to be him who puts his foot down to make time for me.
I don't want the conversation between him and his family to be "sorry I can't spend as much time with you guys but Polly wants to see me too". I hope his family would be understanding though.

This whole situation is so far from the ideal. We have so many things working against us.

And yes, it makes me feel like I'm not a priority.

There comes a certain point where you start to become more important in your SO's life. For instance you get a good share of their holiday time. When do you think it is apropriate that this change should take place? Unfortunately, I think that by using all your holiday time on him without him returning the favour, you have set up a pattern where he doesn't have to change much while you change all.

I also don't understand why, if you live in the same country as his folks, why he cant spend some gf time alone with you and then bring you to his folks. I have always in every serious relationship joined my partner on family visits from early on in the relationship.

About you being "dramatic" for wanting to plan, I told my SO that he is very right that life doesn't always go according to plan, but that one thing is very sure: by not planning visits until the last minute, most likely plane tickets will be extremely expensive or have extra long routes or simply all be taken. Especially with your few holiday days, you want to make sure you get reasonable, fast route tickets and that work is ok with your absence these days.

[jenny evelyn]

Hi, Im not sure if I can be of much help, but I am in the same situation as you...Ive just started my LDR. This is my first month out of 12. My boyfriend left to china for a whole year due to work, and i wont see him after a year. Everything your telling me, happened to me this month, what may help, and you can try, is leave him a lone for a few days. Tell him you dont feel happy and that this isnt good for you. That youll start thinking about your own happiness and be dependent on your self again, and that its causing you confusion about his intentions with you. Be honesg and straight forward, without being pushy, and then leave him a lone for a few days to think. Your making it to easy for him, and you have to show too that you value your self. It hurts, and it takes a lot of will power, but you have to start to believe in your worth too, and he has to see that, if he really values you he will show it.

[AnnMarie Green]

Its always best to voice your concerns! Honesty is the best policy, and through the coarse of the discussion, you may find your decision is clear. When I am feeling "some type of way" about the LDR between my husband and I, or I feel like he is not addressing issues as he should, I speak my mind, and speak it clearly! When you keep confusion bottled up inside, you start to lose direction, AND lose sight of why you got together in the first place.. Have the conversation.. If the relationship is not what he wants, it will start to become more clear by his responses. Whenever I tell my husband that my feelings are hurt, he does all he can to correct it.. When I am in "crisis" mode, he puts me first. This is how it should be! I have to agree with others here, and say that it seems to me this is all you giving, all him taking.. Not healthy, whether its a LDR or not! Do what is right for you.. If your intuition is saying its not good, then you have to trust yourself enough to let go... Take care of you.. A.M. Green

[Polly]

So I talked to my boyfriend over Skype last weekend about my concerns. Mostly we discussed him wanting to save up all his vacation time to go on vacation with his family. He checked how much he currently has in allowed vacation time, and it looked like he has more he can take than he thought. He'll still save up most of the time for his family, but he said he would try to make some time for me.

He also said that last summer he didn't get to see his family for their yearly vacation trip, and that he used almost all of his vacation time for me until recently. This is true, and I did say that I understand his need to see his family, but that it just makes it harder for me knowing I don't have enough vacation time to join him and knowing that he will always have to balance his time between his family and me.

I try to understand, but what makes it hard is that I don't think he understands how fragile long distance relationships can be, and although this may not be fair, if I was him I would totally be okay with seeing my family for only a few days a year, and my SO more often in this kind of situation. For my SO, a few days a year isn't enough, as he is really close to his family and they are always asking him when he's going to visit. They all grew up in a small town, so perhaps that's why.

So, that part is resolved, I think.

However, I feel incredibly unsatisfied in our relationship. His personality isn't conducive to making a long distance relationship work. He isn't a talker, phone conversations or just talking for the sake of it isn't natural to him, and he has admitted he doesn't like talking on the phone, but will do it for me and his family. We can be really awkward sometimes talking in Skype or phone. It's just not the same.

More importantly, I don't know what his plans are when his work visa ends in 2 years. We've been together almost 2 years, with 1 year being long distance, and another 2 years before his work Visa ends. He has said, ideally he would move back to be with me and we would live together, but I have fears that he'll stay or end up finding a better job somewhere else far away. I think he wants us to be together in the end or else he wouldn't pay for my flights or make time for me, but so far, I feel like he's very wishy-washy about his future. He has admitted to me though, that he hates planning, that he doesn't even plan to the next week let along the next year!

He hasn't expressed intentions of marriage and he doesn't want to have children. I'm open minded about having children, and I have mixed feelings about being with someone who has made up their mind that they don't want kids. I was trying to express to him my need for more assurance about our future, but I don't think he is ready to even think about what will happen a year from now. He's just focused on work and getting things done one day at a time. His life obviously is in transition right now, but I guess I'm frustrated because I want to settle.

I'm not the type of person who will stay with someone just because I don't want to be alone. On the other hand, I still have feelings for him, but I'm not sure if we want the same things.

I was really sad during our talk and just expressing my frustration at the prospect of going for 3 months after Christmas without seeing each other.

It's hard for us to have these conversations because he just doesn't like "planning" and when I'm trying to be serious, he answers in a way that sounds jokey and light-hearted. For example, after our "serious" conversation ended, he was like (in a jokey way), "Can we talk about something less depressing now".

I basically feel like I'm going through the motions of the relationship right now. I don't know if this relationship will last....

[Petals]

So the conversation that was suppose to ease your mind added more concerns...hmm. Both of you are clearly not on the same page. He is sure that he doesn't want children and you are 'open-minded' about that but concerned...this is something you have to be certain about as your safe window for having children is dwindling.

Listen carefully to what he's saying. It's unnerving to refer to a discussion about your concerns re the future of your relationship as 'depressing' even in a humorous way. Humor often masks the truth...I know I do that sometimes when I am trying to send a message that could be otherwise offensive, but is true nonetheless.

Having feelings for him doesn't mean you should continue in a relationship that does not fulfill your fundamental needs. Heck, being in love is not a reason enough to continue a relationship, when your needs aren't being met. You can't even have a comfortable conversation with him about your concerns - you walk on eggshells.


The only positive I see from your post is that he pays for your airfare, so at least he isn't selfishly depleting your funds when he knows he can't give you what you want.

You have the power to continue the relationship in this stagnant state or end it, so you do know if it will last.

Question: what do you get from this relationship that friends or family cannot provide for you apart from sex?


You don't need to answer publicly...just think about it.

[differentcountries]

We don't have your vacation problems and I am extremely lucky with a flexible work situation. However, in the planning it seems our situations are similar. Our first and perhaps only real fight we had, was about planning. To me, planning means I care. To him, planning is like tempting fate... Plus apart from the job, he isn't very organized. I think he tells his family he will visit them in a couple of days ' notice. We are both trying to change each other. I try to learn from his impulsive nature. I feel I have become less stressed since I met him. He has been able to plan more, for instance he finishes his studies now. Still, we sometimes butt heads over this. I have no advice, exept voice your concerns in a practical tone and in few words.

[Miasmata]

In a relationship, it's so important that you are at least basically on the same page. You can't work together otherwise, and sooner or later you'll start rejecting each other. Compromise is only healthy as long as you both overall feel valued and respected in your wishes. Only you can decide how to proceed, but you should definitely be honest with yourself. If you don't feel the relationship is good for you, you shouldn't feel forced to stay.

[differentcountries]

If he spends all his holiday time on you, for several years, you risk that his family is going to resent you for it . Is that something you are prepared to take on?

[Polly]

If he spends all his holiday time on you, for several years, you risk that his family is going to resent you for it . Is that something you are prepared to take on?

No, I definitely don't want that to happen, so I'm compromising to accept that he will have to divide his time between me and his family.

However, the last couple of weeks have made me really doubt I want to continue this. I want to express my doubts and concerns to my boyfriend, but should I wait until I see him in 3 weeks? What makes it hard is that when we talk on Skype, I feel like a fraud acting like things are normal, when inside I feel all torn up inside. Maybe it is better to have the discussion in person?

[differentcountries]

You are not a fraud, you are timing the discussion for a suitable setting. You might even feel differently about it when you are with him.

[Miasmata]

You are definitely not a fraud. Wait for a good time to bring things up, but definitely do it when you can. It's important to talk this stuff out.