How do I talk about hard topics.

[douglas2275]

I was talking with my SO again and we have talked about this before but she had decided she wants to delve into the time of my life that was a little darker. I have a sad past, as does she. We love each other and support one another despite anything and everything we have done and gone though. But now she wants to understand it more which is fine but scary for me. I am always afraid that when I open myself up to her I will scare her away. Time and time again she has proved me wrong but that does not mean that it is easy. She specifically wants to look at the time when I first met her, I was struggling with suicide and I even wrote a suicide note. I have since gotten help but she wants to understand it more, normally it would be okay for me to talk about these things but she has had a friend who took their life and she has lost a lot of close people recently. I am afraid that this might be too much for her. How do I share these things with her? Ideas?
~Douglas

[Sarah96]

My boyfriend and I both have things in our past that were VERY difficult to tell each other about. It took him over a year, and me getting upset, for him to finally open up to me about his past. I told him about my past a few short months after we had been together and I'm glad I did. Bring the topic up very carefully, start by telling her how you feel and how the topic makes you feel. Make sure that it's not too much for her by asking how she feels about what you're talking about. Let her share her feelings and if you, or she, feels like it is too much to talk about, stop, change the subject and try again in a week or two or a month. There's no reason to spill everything at once. Enjoy being happy together and bring up the topics at an appropriate time.

I hope everything goes well!!

[douglas2275]

Thank you, as always, I appreciate all advice. It is scary opening up but well worth it.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

When I met my boyfriend, I was trying to kill myself because a girl at school told me that I deserved to be raped by a kid who attempted to do just that at my school. And I didnt tell my boyfriend about it for months. Nor did I open up about my past.

However, when I felt the time was right I opened up to him a little at a time. I may would reference a conversation we had had and begin telling a story. That way it all seemed as if it was a story, but he knew the story was about me. I knew my past would be hard for him to deal with, so I only told him a little at a time. That way it wasnt like dumping an entire mountain of stress onto him.

[differentcountries]

I sometimes just dive right into it. In SO's case, it has to do with the early deaths of family members. I think he appreciates that I am fearless. Nothing he can tell me scares me. I know he thinks about them all the time.

Without even knowing it, I forced him out of the grief of the sister who died only a year earlier, by arranging to celebrate his birthday a year and a couple of days after her death. I had only been dating him for a couple of months at that point and I was under the impression that his sister died as a child! So I didn't think twice about celebrating his birthday and it turned out to be very joyous for him.

[Petals]

I think you should talk about sensitive topics on a need to know basis until you feel comfortable talking about everything or most things. As a poster above said, it is better to talk about issues in small doses rather than pouring out everything at once which can be overwhelming for both of you.


I remember telling my SO sensitive stuff related to my family during our first meeting and I created a lot of issues that weren't present because of my own insecurities. He didn't care about the sad state of my family lol. We bonded over that revelation, because I realized that he cared deeply about me and I can tell him anything without fear of judgement.

Tell her when you feel comfortable; it will most likely bring you closer

[R&R]

She specifically wants to look at the time when I first met her, I was struggling with suicide and I even wrote a suicide note. I have since gotten help but she wants to understand it more, normally it would be okay for me to talk about these things but she has had a friend who took their life and she has lost a lot of close people recently. I am afraid that this might be too much for her. How do I share these things with her? Ideas?
~Douglas

It almost sounds like she may be looking deeper into why you felt that way in order to help her understand why her friend took her life. There may have been different issues as to why you felt that was your only choice compared to her friend, but the understanding of why or how someone gets to that point may actually help her come to terms with her friends passing.

[douglas2275]

It almost sounds like she may be looking deeper into why you felt that way in order to help her understand why her friend took her life. There may have been different issues as to why you felt that was your only choice compared to her friend, but the understanding of why or how someone gets to that point may actually help her come to terms with her friends passing.

I did not even consider that, good point. I really don't mind sharing with her and I ended up having a good talk with her. I guess when I reached out to her in friendship this passed May she was also struggling in this area with her baby brother dying and everything. She says that I am the reason she was able to get through that time in her life. It's like we just complement each other with support, I'm there for her and she is there for me.

[Miasmata]

My SO was suicidal when I met him. Before we got together but after we had been talking for a handful of months, he was planning to kill himself and I had to talk him down to get him to call a hotline. He slowly opened up more to me and confessed that he had been lying quite a lot to me to spare my feelings. But especially once we got together, I told him very firmly that there was no need for that - Lying about his wellbeing was only going to hurt him a ton, and I would never want to see him hurt. To me, knowing someone I care about isn't doing well, but I don't understand what's wrong, is very painful too, so it only makes the both of us hurt more.

I understand how scary it can be to open up to people, but I can only underline how incredibly important it is. Almost every single time I finally broke down and was honest with people about my issues, things turned out much better than I expected. The same goes for my SO. People are often scared of looking weak or too broken in front of others, but you would be surprised how compassionate people you can trust can be. Your partner is definitely someone you can and should trust, so definitely be open with her in the future. It's better for the both of you.