Sadness, negativity and hopelessness

[SadBoy]

We met almost 5 years ago in university (18yo) and spent of uni life together happily. We were both in our first real relationship, and we felt perfect. We lived in nearby dorms for 2 years, and lived together in an apartment for 2 years, and then faced the hard cold truth that we were from different countries, and we both had to go home after uni. We're now 24, both found jobs, visited and met and travelled when we could, and everything was good until recently.

Long story short, for a while I felt like she wasn't as close to me as before even during our last trip, and she stopped doing some of the little things she always did like wishing me luck before a test. During that trip she was also on her phone messaging a lot. During the past month, sometimes she'd dissappear for hours without messaging me (which never happened before). She also lied about why she dissappeared, and lied about other things related to her whereabouts or what she was doing. When I confront her (poorly, I'll admit) she gets defensive, angry and makes me feel guilty. Normally I'd feel really bad and forget about it, but I had some strong evidence and after talking about it many times she finally admitted to the lies. Now my mind is going crazy about how true those confessions were, the possible lies I have no idea about and whether I can ever trust the things she says again. In fact I'm starting to doubt everything she says, and if I ever ask it'll be about my insecurity and lack of trust again. The fact that she used those emotions to make me feel guilty doesn't help, on top of the fact that she repeatedly used bluffs (told me I could call people up to verify her whereabouts), makes me much more insecure. She has also been telling me that she has been very patient with me and my accusations (which turned out weren't false) and that she has been a very good girlfriend already. After what has happened and all her lies, all I hear is a guilt-trip. Its true that she has been a lot more attentive and caring and positive since we started these arguments, but I wonder if it would be like this if I just kept quiet.

Recently we also discovered that our decision for her to move to my country would be difficult. She will need a work visa, which requires a job offer, which requires working rights. Her best bet would be to come study, but most programs would cost lots and may require years of working experience. She doesn't even know what to study or what she wants to do. On top of that, I'd also be taking her away from her family, friends, and job (which she seems to really enjoy). Will I be able to deal with that? What if it doesn't work out and I ruin her life? Even if we pull it off, the stress and risks will take a toll on our relationship, even without the trust issues.

Sadly, lately I've been having the idea of ending it all. The fact that the idea of ending my first real relationship that has been my world for the past 5 years is not that sad, is kind of, well, sad.

[differentcountries]

I can't say I really understand what your issues is about. So, she told you a few white lies about where she was, and tried clumsily to defend herself when you were attacking her. Perhaps she is acting defensive because the two of you obviously layed a "plan" to close the distance without any clue as to what that would practually mean?

Forget about her small lies and the facts of did she bluff or not. Maybe you are both having doubts about the relationship. Then maybe you should come clean and tell her first, so that you can talk it over together. If you decide together that you want to give long distance a go, then have a look at how you communicate so that you no longer hurt each other. When it comes to maybe closing the distance, don't discuss just one alternative. How about you coming to her country to work/live/study? How about the both of you moving to another country?

[SadBoy]

I wasn't being specific enough, but the hints I found suggest that she may have been meeting someone one-on-one, and lied to me about it. She has been close with a colleague, they did a project together and have went on a buisness trip together. They message each other out of work all the time.

I am open and have told her all my doubts and thoughts and nightmares. We've looked at all the options many times before and the decision was that its best for her to come.

[whatruckus]

To be blunt, your situation sounds very close to mine when I was with my ex (we were also together for 5 years). Listen to your gut. If you feel something is wrong, it's more than likely because there is. He would do the same, always texting other people, and towards the end of our relationship, he started going out a lot, not asking me to come over on the weekends (when he would go out the most), texting, ignoring me, distant...turns out he was talking to other girls that he worked with. One of these girls, was the main reason we broke up. I found that he had been texting her all day (checked the phone records), ignoring me, and then he broke up with me and lied to me numerous times after we broke up that he wasn't seeing her (he was). Now, they are married. He had done this numerous times throughout our relationship.

I always knew when something was wrong during our relationship, but like you, I stayed because he always managed to guilt trip me into staying. Always. He manipulated me and messed up my self esteem. Even with my SO, I'm still insecure and have the same thoughts I did when I was with my ex. It's not fun.

I hate to say it, but just because you have been together 5 years doesn't mean you have to stay if you feel it is not working out. If you are questioning her on everything, and lost your trust in her, and she threatens you the way she does...it is time to let go and leave.

[SadBoy]

She's trying hard and giving effort into cheering me up and showing me that she cares about me, and constantly tells me that she's worried and scared about what I may by thinking or saying next. She says that we are both very negative people (which I agree to some point), and says we need to try to forget the past and be happy and positive. She apppears to really care about my feelings and my wellbeing...

These days I'm at the mental state where I don't really care if she's telling me the truth or not anymore. Its not like I'll ever find out anyway. Whether that's a good thing is beyond me, but at least I'm not getting anxious or stressed like before. The idea of breaking up is also less scary now. What I'm doing now is just to see how things go, and see how well I recover from the lies.

From the way she covered for her lies and the reluctance in admitting them, I have a feeling there were and will be more.

[differentcountries]

I am just saying because I had a different experience with my ex, who had a bit of a controlling side and I reacted by lying more to her than I have done before or after. I sometimes lied about where I was and what I was doing, just to get some mental space. I didn't know what else to do, I couldn't have her control and check my every move and if I did something without her (even take a break alone to watch tv) she would be upset, like don't you care about me anymore? why can't we do it together? I cared about her very much, but it was sometimes like being force fed your favourite food. I have noticed it in others, too, it you don't give people space they will lie to you. Not because they really have anything to hide, but because they feel the other person is being intrusive.

Of course she could be lying or withholding because she is up to something, like maybe considering to start a flirt with someone, but there could also be lots of reasons.

I have one suggestion, and that is to avoid the word "lie" and factual discussions. If you want her to tell it like it is, talk of it more in terms of wanting to connect with what goes on for her emotionally. Is she happy? is she sad? how does she feel about maybe embarking on a new life with you? what does she need? what do you need? Focus on the emotions and the needs behind them. And then you can discuss the strategies on how to get there.

[whatruckus]

She's trying hard and giving effort into cheering me up and showing me that she cares about me, and constantly tells me that she's worried and scared about what I may by thinking or saying next. She says that we are both very negative people (which I agree to some point), and says we need to try to forget the past and be happy and positive. She apppears to really care about my feelings and my wellbeing...

These days I'm at the mental state where I don't really care if she's telling me the truth or not anymore. Its not like I'll ever find out anyway. Whether that's a good thing is beyond me, but at least I'm not getting anxious or stressed like before. The idea of breaking up is also less scary now. What I'm doing now is just to see how things go, and see how well I recover from the lies.

From the way she covered for her lies and the reluctance in admitting them, I have a feeling there were and will be more.

If you don't care anymore and feel like she's going to keep lying and that there are other lies that she hasn't told you about, you've already made your decision about the relationship. There's nothing to "see how things go", you've already decided. You don't trust her.

DC, he mentioned that she lied about seeing someone else one-on-one multiple times.

[SadBoy]

If I didn't care I wouldn't be here. And I only suspect that she's been going out without telling me. I have no proof.

Its not that black and white whether I trust her or not, and its not that clear whether I still want this either. I just want to know everything, but I don't think I ever will. That's what's killing me.

[whatruckus]

If I didn't care I wouldn't be here. And I only suspect that she's been going out without telling me. I have no proof.

Its not that black and white whether I trust her or not, and its not that clear whether I still want this either. I just want to know everything, but I don't think I ever will. That's what's killing me.

Like I said, if you can't get past the trust issues, it's over. A relationship, especially an LDR, requires trust. If you don't have trust, you don't have much of a relationship because you'll just be torturing yourself, like you've been, wondering what she's lying about and what she's not.

I'm being particularly blunt because, as you've read, I was in the same situation. Look where it got me with my ex, not very far because we're done and I have insecurity issues because of it.

You also mentioned in your other post that you don't care, and from the way that post is written, it really does give me the impression that you are done, you just don't want to admit it to yourself and walk away.

[differentcountries]

Lying is also a matter of your upbringing. I was raised to never lie unless I absolutely had to. Others have a very low threshold to tell untruthful things. Even after ten years with my husband, I still have to remind him sometimes not to lie to spare my feelings. His parents, lovely as they can be, often sacrifice truth to form. They even lie to themselves about certain matters. They are old, so I don't try to change them. What matters to my husband, is that he knows that any truth he has, I can take it. This sometimes lead him to be bordering rude, but still it is better that I know what is going on. If your gf is telling fibs, she doesn't trust you with all she has. You have to get to the bottom of this, but it could be ugly. You seem a bit afraid to know, and in that sense you are already telling her to lie to spare your feelings.