What do I do?!

[douglas2275]

I was right, Brittaney's parents found out about us and the consequence was terrible. She was beaten for just talking to me, she has several bruises/scratches. She claims that she is safe but just a little shaken up, no real damage done. She has asked me to do nothing. I'm broken, I don't know what to do, I caused her physical pain because of our relationship. I see a few options and their consequences.

1. Leave her for her own safety and perhaps one day she will get a place of her own and we can work from there.
2. Call the police, this would be what she told me not to do, our relationship would end but she might be safer or perhaps it will just endanger her more.
3. Super secret conversations/relationship only.

I'm just dying, I love her so much, I don't want to loose her but she needs to be safe. I don't know what to do. She wants to do option #3. Anyone have any ideas on what we can do, or what I should be doing?

[differentcountries]

You didn't cause her physical pains, her parents did. How old is Brittany? What is her situation?

Regardless of her relationship with you she seems to be in a spot with little personal safety. Even children and living at home adults deserve to be free from abuse. I have heard lots in here during the last year but parents hitting their child bad enough to cause bruises and scratches is a first.

[Harlequin]

First of all, don't blame yourself. Anyone who needs to resort to abuse because someone did something they don't like is utter garbage--especially parents who use abuse to control their kids. They would've found any excuse to do it; this is neither your fault nor Brittaney's.

She isn't safe, but ultimately she is the only one who knows how to properly handle her situation. You're both in a very difficult position right now, and it's important that you both tread carefully. Speaking from experience, I really do have to agree with her that calling the police will make things worse. It's always well-intentioned, but abusive parents know how to play nice with authorities, and it's just not worth it. I don't think leaving her will help, but super secret conversations can also spell trouble for both of you. I did super secret relationship once, and when his parents found out, they called the cops on me (for harassment) and blocked my number.

I'm guessing she's unable to leave her current situation? If she can get away for a few days, even just to a friend's house, then encourage her to do that. If there IS a way for her to leave her current situation, then she needs to strongly consider it. Right now, there's nothing much you can do outside of supporting her. I think your best bet, for right now, would be to lie VERY low for a little bit until things have calmed down. Now that her parents know you exist, they're going to look for signs of you. If she thinks it's worth the risk, then trust her judgement, but discuss exactly how you two plan to keep her as safe as possible while still keeping in touch. Start looking for escape routes for her if absolutely necessary. If she's under 18, be wary of child protective services; they let the parents know in advance that they're coming, which gives abusive parents time to get their shit together and look like they stepped right out of Leave It to Beaver. Basically, don't call the cops or CPS unless you know she has a way out.

And above all: please be careful, both of you.

[whatruckus]

First of all, don't blame yourself. Anyone who needs to resort to abuse because someone did something they don't like is utter garbage--especially parents who use abuse to control their kids. They would've found any excuse to do it; this is neither your fault nor Brittaney's.

She isn't safe, but ultimately she is the only one who knows how to properly handle her situation. You're both in a very difficult position right now, and it's important that you both tread carefully. Speaking from experience, I really do have to agree with her that calling the police will make things worse. It's always well-intentioned, but abusive parents know how to play nice with authorities, and it's just not worth it. I don't think leaving her will help, but super secret conversations can also spell trouble for both of you. I did super secret relationship once, and when his parents found out, they called the cops on me (for harassment) and blocked my number.

I'm guessing she's unable to leave her current situation? If she can get away for a few days, even just to a friend's house, then encourage her to do that. If there IS a way for her to leave her current situation, then she needs to strongly consider it. Right now, there's nothing much you can do outside of supporting her. I think your best bet, for right now, would be to lie VERY low for a little bit until things have calmed down. Now that her parents know you exist, they're going to look for signs of you. If she thinks it's worth the risk, then trust her judgement, but discuss exactly how you two plan to keep her as safe as possible while still keeping in touch. Start looking for escape routes for her if absolutely necessary. If she's under 18, be wary of child protective services; they let the parents know in advance that they're coming, which gives abusive parents time to get their shit together and look like they stepped right out of Leave It to Beaver. Basically, don't call the cops or CPS unless you know she has a way out.

And above all: please be careful, both of you.

Yes. Also, be wary of the age difference as well. If they wanted to (I don't know what the law is in Nebraska), but they could call the cops on YOU for statutory rape or say you're a sexual predator.

[douglas2275]

Yes the situation is very scary, I am at risk here and though I am not too worried about myself, my getting in trouble with the police won't help her any. She is 17 (turning 18 in June), her parents are divorced and from what I gather, both households are abusive but her mom is safer. Unfortunately her mom just lost her house and Brittaney can not live there. I will have to trust her but I don't know everything that is going on. We have emailed a couple times on a secret email so that I could know she was at least alive, but there are many details missing. My imagination is running wild with terrible possibilities and I just want to know she is safe. I don't know if she can move out with anyone, we have never had to talk about it before. I was aware they were like this but never experienced it, her only plan was to join the military so she could run. It is hard to see how I can fit into this plan but ultimately her safety comes first.

[differentcountries]

Is there any way she can get out, for instance by going away on school?

My friend got out of her abusive home (she was even sexually abused by family members) when we were both 16 by applying for a school were she couldn't live at home to attend. Through the school she met someone whos parents became her foster parents and so after our school was over she lived with them until she was an adult.

[douglas2275]

I don't know, her responses are short, just 5-6 words long and come far apart, it is very hard to communicate with her. I hope that we can regain communication soon but until then I will send her emails and try to encourage her and support her to the best of my ability. I will never give up on her, I am going to fight for us. We are going through a tribulation and I am not going to leave her side. When we get through this, we will be able to get through anything.

[AnnMarie Green]

My husband (but we are still in LDR) lives with his parents while he is finishing college.. They are abusive.. And YES, abusers know how to play the system ALL DAY.. And they keep a strong hold on their victims for as long as they can.. I knew the situation he was in when we became friends, I knew it when we became engaged, and the day we married.. And the LAST thing they want is someone strong like you in her life, so believe me, I tell you from experience, you are in for a HARD road.. BUT..... If she loves you the way you love her, eventually you will be able to help heal each other, and I believe you have already made her stronger with your devotion.. Just as she has for you... For awhile in the first year, we even created secondary FB pages to communicate without them knowing!! There are ways, you just have to be strong, and have faith... Most of all, be supportive and the shoulder she needs when she feels the bottom has dropped out.. It wont be long before she is old enough to make a change... Take care of yourself!!

[Harlequin]

Is there any way she can get out, for instance by going away on school?

What worries me about this is that her parents might prevent her from doing that. At this point, it might not even be worth it since she turns 18 in June, and then leg. There's also costs involved, which I don't see either of her parents paying if they are this controlling as it is. I'm guessing money is a big issue in her life, which is why she feels her only real chance to escape is the military. Colleges are expensive, and you still need co-signers for loans, which she probably doesn't have.

I don't know, her responses are short, just 5-6 words long and come far apart, it is very hard to communicate with her. I hope that we can regain communication soon but until then I will send her emails and try to encourage her and support her to the best of my ability. I will never give up on her, I am going to fight for us. We are going through a tribulation and I am not going to leave her side. When we get through this, we will be able to get through anything.

I bolded that last statement, because that is the absolute best way to think about this situation. I commend you for it. Eventually you two will be able to discuss things more in depth, and I feel like you're doing a fantastic job dealing with the situation as it stands. I'm sure this means a lot to her, and hopefully this helps motivate her to get out as soon as possible. I really do wish you both the best.

[douglas2275]

Thank you, it is really hard but I would do anything for her, she is worth the fight.

[0897klpq]

I am so sorry to hear that bro. I'll be praying for you and Brittaney

[Miasmata]

Are there shelters for women and/or victims of domestic abuse close to her? Those can be excellent help. The people who work there are experienced with these situations and can help her come up with an escape plan. They can also provide protection and shelter for when things get really dire. There are also hotlines she can call to get more immediate advice and support. Look up the numbers/adresses for her respective country/state/county (Google is your friend) and tell her to write them down somewhere where her parents can't find it.

Just calling the police right away won't help, no, but she needs professional support in this. Encourage her to seek help and be there for her, that is the best you can do. I sincerely wish the best for her. Getting out of abusive households is very tough, but absolutely not impossible. There are means to get out and to improve her life.

[douglas2275]

She is in a very rural area so I do not know, I guess they also took all her money, her keys and everything else she owns so yeah she needs to try and escape.

[Ahava]

I'm so sorry to hear this

[sarbear]

Hi there,
I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through but I wanted to let you know I do understand to an extent what you are going through. When my dad found out about my boyfriend, although he didn't physically abuse me, he was very emotionally abusive. He screamed that I was a slut, that I wasn't his daughter, that I was nothing to him anymore, that I "raped and violated him". It was terrible. He took my phone, credit cards, and car keys from me for over two months. I communicated with my boyfriend through secret emails, twitter private messaging, and texting apps so my dad wouldn't (and still can't) trace my conversations back to him. It was miserable. My boyfriend wanted me to run away. I was depressed, miserable, and emotionally and mentally abused daily. But I was terrified to get away and didn't know what to do. But my boyfriend stuck with me and that was 8 months ago, and we are stronger than ever. For that, I couldn't be more grateful. Knowing he loved me regardless of how crazy my father was/is. I don't know your girlfriend's situation but I'm sure sure appreciates you being there for her more than anything. I can imagine she is terrified right now and knowing she has you, even if the contact is minimal, must be very reassuring for her. That being said, this is a lot for you to handle. Secret relationships, as I'm sure you know, can be draining on both ends. I encourage you to seek support and talk with your family or friends, or continue seeking support here and talking about your concerns and struggles. Not just hers, because you need support just as well because it is difficult for you as well. I'm sorry you are going through this now, but I promise you, it will get better. The initial shock is still very, very much there. But, it will get better, it will just take time. Hang in there pal. It'll be ok