Scared he is going to end it :(

[StillRivers]

So I have been with my SO for coming up a year now. We met online, though not on a dating site. We were both dealing with the breakdown of our marriages and we supported each other through troubled times. We met in person back in January of this year and then the dreaded feelings began to manifest themselves. It wasn't what either of us were looking for... but it happened anyway, sometimes these things can't be controlled!
It's been going great, beside the obvious missing each other and occasional loneliness etc etc.

We live 270 miles apart, I have 3 children under 6 and he runs 4 businesses and has a son. Finding the time to meet up when we are both free can be tricky. When we do, he usually comes here as he drives and I don't. It's a 4 and a half hour drive. We have managed to meet 3 times so far. Some people think it's crazy and I can't always talk about it to people about it as they don't understand.

We arranged to meet up back in October, we were both very much looking forward to it, but due to circumstances beyond our control, he had to cancel 2 days before. We rearranged for a month later. The day before he told me that his ex had to work and he had to have his son, so he cancelled again. We rearranged again for the weekend just gone. He phoned me and told me he was setting off. I was so excited. An hour into his journey, he phoned me and told me he had pulled over, that he was really tired and run down and that he wasn't sure if he could manage the whole journey. He told me he would stretch his legs and maybe take a nap in his car and see how he was. 2 hours later he text me to say he was so so sorry, but he had turned around and was heading back home. That he didn't ring because he couldn't bare to hear me upset knowing that he had caused it. I know to most, this might seem like he doesn't want to see me, but I know him, and I genuinely believe he is telling the truth.

But he says he has started to questioning things. He says the distance is killing him, that if we can't see each other, what is the point? He says he needs time to figure things out, his head says one thing, but his heart says another. He needs to work out what is best for him, me and 'us'.

I told him that I respected the fact that he needed time, to know that I love him and that I'm here when he is ready to talk. I was relatively calm about it at first, like I knew things would be ok. But now the fear is starting to seep in. I'm so scared he is going to end it

I know that there is nothing I can do, except wait until he is ready to talk... so this isn't a 'please help me' post. Just thought there might be someone out there who had been through something similar and who might understand.

[Sarah96]

First, welcome to LFAD,
Now,that really sucks I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that! Unfortunately some people really aren't able to deal with being in a LDR. I hope after having some time to think it through and you two talk everything will work out! I wish you two the best, and you're not alone, there are tons of people here that will gladly help you in whatever way they can. I wish you two the best

[Miasmata]

Definitely talk things out with each other. It's true, not everyone is cutout for an LDR, but if you two want to make it work, it's still worth a shot. I'm wishing you the best!

[differentcountries]

I am thinking that, if you can afford to, maybe you should think about visiting him in his town or somewhere nearby. If he is that run down by life, driving for 4 hours might even be dangerous. Is there a bus or train that can take you?

[StillRivers]

I am not opposed to travelling to him at all. I would love to visit him there and he knows it. The reason he comes here is because it's cheaper and easier. It is somewhat complicated his end. The train costs a bomb as I have to get 3 different ones and he also lives as a lodger at present so it would also mean splashing for a hotel. I would be prepared to spend out any amount if it means getting to be with him, but I am a 'single' mum to 3 kids under 6... so money can be an issue. He never lets me chip in towards petrol or even buy dinner so he would probably offer to help towards costs, but I would never ask, nor expect him too. We even said that we could meet half way. It would only be a 2hr drive for him and much much cheaper for me. I offer to do it everytime but he just says, nah, i'll come to you. Before it wasn't as much of an issue and the drive was always ok, but he recently started out on a new business venture to add to the 3 he already does and I think that's why he was so run down this time.

I know everyone is different and he works A LOT so doesn't have as much time to sit and think properly, but how long is a reasonable time to give him? I know 100% where I stand and I don't want to make it seem like I'm rushing him, but if it goes on and on and I haven't heard from him, when would be ok to message him?

[Unicorn26]

I would message him. This is clearly tearing you up inside and you need to know what the score is, even if it's painful to hear. Not knowing is by far a worse thing to try and deal with.
FYI you can fly to London City airport from Exeter airport for £35 each way, it's a new service and may be worth thinking about as a cheaper, quicker way to get you closer to him. The car journey from Kent to Devon is long and tedious. Although it's extremely disappointing that he decided to turn back, he did so because he was exhausted. If he had carried on driving and fallen asleep at the wheel..... Well it doesn't bear thinking about xxxx

[StillRivers]

No, I never would have wanted him to carry on, so not worth the risk. And as you say, doesn't bear thinking about. I only put in about our attempted meeting as it kind of had something to do with what has made him start to doubt 'us'. But then I also have a feeling that this has been coming on slowly and that maybe he just ignored it up until now as he thought it would right itself or whatever. The last time I heard from him was Sunday night, I've never gone this long without hearing from him before and I miss him so much already. Whenever something happens he is the first person I want to tell and I can't... and that hurts

Thanks, I didn't know that. That would be much cheaper than the train from Exeter which costs, at the cheapest 100 (if I book it ages in advance) but can cost 200 or more sometimes.

[JaneEmily]

StillRivers, you can get really cheap Megabus coaches to and from each end of the country. My SO has been using Megabus to get from Amsterdam to Plymouth for the last two years Our Christmas trip for him to be here cost £30 to get to Plymouth, and only £16.50 to return back in January. Noting the Plymouth > London part of the trip only costing an AMAZING £1 (they have been doing these deals for all over the UK too)! https://uk.megabus.com/Default.aspx < They really are a life saver for convenient cheap travel and they've improved over the last few years

[Unicorn26]

I know how painful this is. The days drag when you don't hear from your loved one in situations like this.

I think you should try and keep yourself really busy, get out with friends and try to take your mind off if. LDR are really tough at times but they can and do work. You guys are relatively close compared to some of us on here, I wish my SO was as close as yours. I hope this works out for you.

[StillRivers]

Thanks, I will bear that in mind too. I think the main reason he chooses to come here instead is because we get longer together. He comes on the friday night and leaves on the sunday. My ex doesn't pick the kids up until saturday morning and he drops them back quite early monday morning. So if I travelled there we would only have one night instead of the two. Which again, I don't mind doing at all if it means spending just one minute with him. I know the megatrain is brilliant too, cheap and faster than the bus. Will look into ticket prices from London to him.

[StillRivers]

I know, I feel bad going on about it when there are so many on here who live thousands of miles apart and/or have never met in person. It makes me feel super lucky that that he is as close as he is.

[Unicorn26]

Aww don't feel bad. It's hard no matter what the distance is. No one is judging you, we are here to support you in this.

[StillRivers]

Thank you so much. It's so nice to be able to talk to people who understand. My friends are very supportive and have been there for me and I'm grateful, but having not been in an ldr themselves I don't think they can quite understand!