Honest Thoughts - Be it Good or Bad

[A_Thinker]

Hi everyone,

I'll do my best to sum this up and make this post as small as possible. Long story short, I fell in love with this girl that works for the same company I do. I work in the U.S. office and she works in the China office. Before we met in person in August of 2014, we talked for at least 7 months beforehand and I would like to say we officially became bf and gf in July of 2014. She was here for 10 days and those were the happiest days of my life. We both love each other and talk everyday using an IM both in text and video chat. So, here's the dilemma. Her parents are very traditional Chinese and do not want her to have a foreigner boyfriend or to ever leave China. Her dad even forbid her from talking to me but she did it anyways since she loves me so much. Eventually her father convinced her to buy property and she and I both know the reason is to keep her there. I want so badly to be with her and she feels the same way about me. She even told me that if she goes over here to be with me, her father will disown her. By the way, her father isn't the greatest dad in the world. He has done some horrible things in the past to her, her mom, and sister (nothing as bad as sexual abuse to her and her sister) which is why I can't understand why she feels she needs to do anything for him. I know there's cultural differences but there has to be a limit. I guess what I'm getting at is this. Is there anything I can do at all to where her and I can be together? Whether it be somehow change her parents minds, convince her to move over here regardless of her parents position, etc. Please feel free to PM me if you would like more info since I know this isn't everything. Like I said, I tried to keep it small but even then this turned out to be a mini essay. Ha ha. So sorry about that. Thank you for any that have read this whole thing. You have no idea how much that means to me.

Thanks again,

A_Thinker

[differentcountries]

It is not about culture. It is about the psycology in abuse families. Maybe she doesn't feel close to her father, but she can still fear for the contact with her sister and mother.

[Nymeria]

I have to agree with differentcountires here. Part of it may be culture, but another very big part will be the abuse that seems to be going on. Abusive relationships are most complicated on a psychological point of view. From the outside, it's really difficult to understand/do something about/help as the underlying psychological going-ons of the affected person are very complex.

I still do hope for you that you can work something out.

[snow]

Do you speak Chinese? Maybe you could try to talk to her parents directly, let them see that you are a good man.

[whatruckus]

I'm going to be honest here since I am Chinese. Most of it, believe or not guys, is a cultural thing. I'm lucky to have been born in the US and have parents who lived here (my dad was born and raised in China until he was 13 and he moved to NYC, and my mom was born and raised in NYC). It's not just that her father that will disown her, it's his reputation on the line, as well as their family's reputation on the line as well. Chinese people are very prideful, and they're extremely stubborn. Her father probably feels that since he has no sons, the least he can get from his children is full-blooded Chinese grandchildren. Yes, I agree, there's probably still some abuse, but again...that's a cultural thing. In China, as a woman, you listen to your father, you listen to your family. What they say goes. As it seems, they want nothing to do with you, no amount of speaking Chinese will help (in rare cases, it might, and I mean rare). Over there, the women are raised to be extremely submissive, and if they're not, they're beaten, cast out, disowned, and shamed. If that happens, no one will marry them, no one will talk to them, and no one will help them.

If they do ever come around, be wary. A lot of Chinese women, and their families, take advantage of foreigners and use them for their money. My dad always tells me stories when he comes back from trips to China.

Even with me being born here in the US, my dad's still not too happy about me dating white guys. He always tells me that he wishes I'd marry a Chinese man some day.

I don't really have any advice to give you that will help if her parents are as traditional as you say they are, other than, good luck.

I'm not saying it's hopeless, but it's going to be extremely hard.

[conejita_hada]

I think whatruckus gives a good perspective. It sounds very culturally driven.
Another possibility would be for you to eventually move there. I don't say that as a necessarily serious suggestion but it sounds like you only want her to be in the US. With intercultural, international relationships, you have to figure out a way to be inclusive of both backgrounds. It is necessary to think about immersing yourself into the other person's culture. Beyond wanting full-Chinese grandchildren, they probably don't want you taking her away from them, seeing her maybe once a year for the rest of their lives. On that point, a great first step would be learning Chinese (specifically the Chinese her family speaks). Then, as snow said, have a conversation with her parents. Also, have you visited China? Are you planning to? The visit will be necessary down the line if both of you are serious about the relationship. Acceptance of intercultural relationships can take a long time. Try engaging her family through showing an interest in her country, that usually helps people's acceptance.

Speaking with my SO's family, we know the eventual plan is him moving to the US but his family wants to know that I am open to his country. His family wants to be included in his life and know that they aren't losing a son to some foreigner from a country with a really bad stereotype.

[Marmalade]

I agree it is a cultural thing. Due to their way of life and ancient familial traditions females have stayed inferior. They are their fathers property. If he does not have a son then he will find the girls a husband & hope the husband has no family. In Chinese culture sons take care of the elderly family & stay with the family. Girls' families after marriage are their husbands' and in some cases they will never see their own family again. Due to the gendercide in asia, girl populations have dwindled so they are trafficked, sold, kidnapped to be brides to men. If he was looking to make a quick buck then he would sell his daughters for a very high price & someone would buy them. The ratio between boys & girls is closing, but there are over 200 million women missing in the world & it is most noticable In China and India. The dowry system has been illegalized, but it is hard for the government to stop it. Good luck with your situation.

[differentcountries]

The first thing OP needs to do is get educated about Chineese culture and especially the culture of the region. Then it will be easier to determine if her dad is a strict but loving guy who occationally uses slaps as dicpline or if he is a urgent danger to her health. Take action from there. At least it seems she has got her own money, which is a good start.

[whatruckus]

The first thing OP needs to do is get educated about Chineese culture and especially the culture of the region. Then it will be easier to determine if her dad is a strict but loving guy who occationally uses slaps as dicpline or if he is a urgent danger to her health. Take action from there. At least it seems she has got her own money, which is a good start.

Mainly this. What's considered abusive to you, might not be considered abuse to her, her family, and other Chinese. Like Marmalade said, she could even be promised to marry someone else as a sort of "trade" or debt repayment. That happens A LOT. Also, yes, women over there are seen as property. Most of the time, the families will try to marry their daughters to a wealthy family, or even pay that family to have their daughter marry their son.

Also, as conejita mentioned, you could try to move there. However, Chinese women in China (and most Asian countries) love white people. Or just, Americans in general. Not in the sense that they respect you, but they see you as a money opportunity, like I mentioned before.

However, they could even resent you. Her parents might even think that you're only with their daughter because you have "Yellow Fever" and want to fulfill some erotic Asian Fetish (not saying that's true by any means, but believe me...those people are out there and I've encountered some of them. It's scary and it's creepy.).

So, I mean, there's many different factors on why her parents don't like you, specifically her father. If her father is like mine, it's mainly because, no matter what, those are his little girls. His babies. Another great thing (sarcasm) about Asian families is that they're EXTREMELY overprotective and want to be involved in every aspect of their families lives.

Again, I'm really not trying to discourage you, I'm just trying to give you their prospective and what could be going on in their minds.

[Lostviolinist]

I'd say to first try and see if you can come to an understanding with them. If you feel that there's nothing you can do to change their minds then you'll just have to work your way around them and try again in the future. I don't think it's impossible for you two to be together even if her parents are against it the entire way. But it will definitely be difficult for you both. I don't think they are willing to actually do something that would hurt her in order to keep you apart, but not everyone is so kind so I may be wrong. You just have to keep an eye out.

Honestly I'm not quite sure. I'm also in the same situation. But my girlfriend's parents, although they are against us for the same reasons still have her well-being in mind, so as much as they might hate it. I don't believe they will do anything to hurt her. I'm learning Chinese and not too far in the future I hope to meet them. I have no idea how that meeting will play out. I don't even know if they will let me in. I just hope if we're persistent enough they will eventually accept it.

[AnnMarie Green]

It is not about culture. It is about the psycology in abuse families. Maybe she doesn't feel close to her father, but she can still fear for the contact with her sister and mother.

Aaaahhh yessss!! The truth!! Control control control...

[AnnMarie Green]

Honestly, my experience with the Chinese culture is the father rules over the household.. And the dis owning thing is quite real.. They still consider it disrespectful and worthy of being shunned if their daughters have relationships with men that they have not met and approved of... You may have to decide if you would consider this serious enough to move there, work there, and get to know her family.. A good way is to study and learn all you can of their cultural history and possibly some conversational Chinese.. Learn how to greet her parents, and such.. Because this may be what it takes to make it all happen.. I mean, of coarse she could come here but she will be walking away from everything and everyone she knows, and that is HUGE!! At your age, I would DEF be considering working abroad!! Outside of everything else, what a great opportunity to learn a timeless culture!! And think of how much THAT kind of move would mean to HER..... Blessings!!

[A_Thinker]

Thank you so much everyone for the genuine feedback. I have definitely gained some knowledge/insight from these posts. Thanks again so much!
(>^-^)>

A_Thinker

[lovefrom2800milesaway]

A little late to this conversation but I'm in the middle of procrastinating so I thought I'd join in.
I'm also Chinese and would definitely agree with what whatruckus said.
I'm also fortunate to have been born and raised in Canada so I don't face such harsh cultural norms. My parents are both born and raised in China and immigrated here later on in life, so they definitely still hold that mentality. They used to be VERY against the idea of be dating a white guy but over the years as they've accustomed to the culture here, they're slowly starting to accept it a bit (although they'd still prefer me marry a Chinese guy). I also don't have the greatest relationship with my dad but at the end of the day, he is the one who brought my mom to Canada and raised my family so I want to do everything I can to respect him and his wishes.. but at the same time, I am old enough and smart enough to make decisions that I know my dad will be proud of at the end of the day.

Have you ever considered taking a trip to China to meet her family? I know that could be intimidating but if you were to meet her parents so far away, it might show your dedication. Just make sure you practice your Chinese and chopstick skills before you go!!

[whatruckus]

A little late to this conversation but I'm in the middle of procrastinating so I thought I'd join in.
I'm also Chinese and would definitely agree with what whatruckus said.
I'm also fortunate to have been born and raised in Canada so I don't face such harsh cultural norms. My parents are both born and raised in China and immigrated here later on in life, so they definitely still hold that mentality. They used to be VERY against the idea of be dating a white guy but over the years as they've accustomed to the culture here, they're slowly starting to accept it a bit (although they'd still prefer me marry a Chinese guy). I also don't have the greatest relationship with my dad but at the end of the day, he is the one who brought my mom to Canada and raised my family so I want to do everything I can to respect him and his wishes.. but at the same time, I am old enough and smart enough to make decisions that I know my dad will be proud of at the end of the day.

Have you ever considered taking a trip to China to meet her family? I know that could be intimidating but if you were to meet her parents so far away, it might show your dedication. Just make sure you practice your Chinese and chopstick skills before you go!!

Definitely the chopstick thing! One of my brothers can't even use chopsticks, so we make fun of him all the time (any time we go to an Asian restaurant, I have to ask for forks for all of us even though we all use chopsticks, so he can eat and he's not embarrassed). Even my boyfriend knows how to use chopsticks. Lol.