On Tour in Italy...without Me?

[Lunar Snow]

D':

Ugh, that blows. Okay, so I was just talking to my SO and we were having sort of an every day chat--nice, but not super eventful (plus, he is sleepy and I'm kind of feeling oogy from something I ate, so neither of us were really spunky). I thought the conversation was maybe coming to a close a little early, so I asked a simple question about his choir practice, where he proceeded to chat about generals of practice times and such and, out of no where, he says that the professional choirs are going to Italy on a tour and that there are spots opened up to people in the other choirs (he is in men's glee and some other, college-wide choir) and he was trying to decide if he wanted to go on this trip (which, apparently, is a tour...so would be for awhile). He says it is pretty pricey, as well. What can I say? Italy would be super cool--I haven't nearly travelled as much as I would like and Italy is near the top of my list (he has travelled in Europe already), so I am jealous there to start. ...and, okay, I maybe haven't talked about it with him very much, but I have this secret dream that he and I could do the European adventure together (but travelling around with a choir would kind of exclude me from going, even if I had the money to...and then he will be with beautiful girls who sing for months, which is appealing to his musician's sensibilities). Then, apparently the trip would be NEXT term or summer, AFTER he has graduated. So, I crumpled when I heard him say "well, I asked the choir director if that would be okay and he said it would be fine since I will be in the area still." I know that it was altogether a dream that he would be potentially moving closer soon after he graduates, but that was...not fun to hear. The trip would mean, too, that he would be spending his money and time on that, instead of coming to see me. Oh man, I know I sound selfish and I think he is sort of looking for my encouragement to go for it, but I can't help feeling kind of sad and sort of caught up in this unexpected twist.

[Karringtyn]

Ah...I bet the whole having things thrown at you truly set you for a loop. We think we know things...and then we here what we least to expect to hear...and BAM...it's like a kick to the stomach. How did you reply??


The feeling of sad and caught up..is completely normal...you were just given a huge blow. Breathe...and just try to sleep on it..at least for now....things will work out....they always do!

[Lunar Snow]

Thanks for responding, Karringtyn. It did really feel thrown at me. Lately, it seems like I am the last person to find out about important things in his life and I get the "Oh, really? I forgot to tell you?" plus awkward pause (I know that that has the potential to be common in LDRs, but it wasn't really an issue before and makes me feel kind of strange). On the other hand, maybe he knew I wouldn't be too thrilled and thought that mulling it over before telling me was the best idea, without realizing that his delivery would come as a shock to me. Whatever has happened, I certainly feel that it was a surprise...and not a good one. Thank you for the sympathy!

I replied...well, I wasn't saying much. At first, I was going to ecstatically go on about how cool Italy would be, but then he continued with the other things like when the trip would be, the expense, and the implications that he has no plans to even discuss relocating after graduation. He also added that it would be his last opportunity to go on a college choir trip (which, I guess makes sense, but it isn't like he can never join another sort of choir and go on a trip with them again). I'm going to sound a bit harsh, too...and maybe it is just sour grapes from stewing about this, but he needs to graduate and move on from the college world for awhile. He has been in college for a long time (and I totally understand what an awesome place it can be)...er...don't get me wrong; he is very smart and gets excellent grades, but he changed his major after getting a good way through the first choice and now just has this last term to go on the major he switched to and we both have promised each other to guard against going straight into graduate studies and get out there and "live outside the bubble" for awhile. More specifically, when I have asked about choir lately, he mostly has said that it has been kind of "meh," he's not sure about the director in charge of glee, he doesn't like all the music choices this term...yet, here is a really big deal that it sounds like he has been considering for awhile that, somehow, he missed telling me. I guess I was excited and wanted to encourage him, but then sad and surprised and just wanted some time to think about what I could say. That desire was oddly timed with my phone cutting out and running out of batteries and then being called for dinner when he tried to reach me on Skype. So, I just said something like "Italy sounds pretty cool. " (which, from me...one should know something is up, since I can type to high heaven!). I really had to collect myself before I went downstairs, since my Mom still is not supportive of my relationship with him being successful and...although she is now making some efforts to seem supportive on a surface level, I often think that she lays in wait for him to do something upsetting, just so she can go on (almost a daily occurrence) about how sad this relationship is making me, how he isn't serious about me, etc. (and, I'm sure that she really would have liked to have sunk her teeth in to this...wish I could have talked to her about it, though!).

I see he is still online on Skype, so maybe I will make an appearance. Sleeping on it would be a really good idea. Troubling things really do seem the darkest at night for me. I think I need to tell him how I am feeling troubled and why, but then I also feel like the villain, snipping his dream in the bud.

[maja]

dont worry , youre not the villain, although u feel like it.
I would consider it normal to feel down and a bit opposed to his plans. To be honest, i would stop talking to him and break ddownn crying cos i really suck at dealing with the distance, and to then find out its most likely gonna go on like this for another long while...would really break me...
I think you should tell him how you feel about it and about your dream of going to europe together and also, that you feel bad about not wanting him to go, im sure he will understand and can then base his decision on both yours and his thoughts on this...seeing as he wanted your encouragement/approval and choir hasnt been tooo amazing lately (according to what he said about the director and music) , he probably isnt sure at all himself.

I hope you feel better once you wake up!

[Silviar]

Sometimes, even as exciting as something is, it's hard for a person to realize how difficult it is for their other half to hear it. Like I mentioned getting a new job, and my boyfriend got really upset - it was a reminder I was staying in this area, not with him, and it meant to him like it was gonna be longer without each other.

Reading through this and the response to Karr, I would say the thing you really need to talk about is the fact you'd assumed he would move after college. Tell him it threw you for a loop, and while you're not angry, you would like a chance to talk about potential plans after college. Give him a chance to explain if he's going or not going to move, and why. He may have some very goodr easons. This is an opportunity to talk about your future and future plans together to see what he'd like to do versus what you'd like to do.

[Karringtyn]

I see he is still online on Skype, so maybe I will make an appearance. Sleeping on it would be a really good idea. Troubling things really do seem the darkest at night for me. I think I need to tell him how I am feeling troubled and why, but then I also feel like the villain, snipping his dream in the bud.

I hope you got to talk...and you are right...things do seem darkest at night....

YOU ARE NOT the villian hon.

[Lunar Snow]

I'm hoping to talk to him about things tonight. We were typing on Skype last night and it was kind of awkward skirting the issue. I was telling him about my rabbit eating bad things to get attention and he said he would have to remember that when he wants my attention. He was being weird, and cryptic, but it may have just been that he was taking my avoidance strategy as me ignoring him a bit. Oi! Well, unfortunately, I had a horrible time getting to sleep last night with this on my mind and then had an unexpected early morning...but...I have had the house to myself for a good part of the day, so that has let me consider things a bit more in the light of day--and, again, I really appreciate your responses.

Maja: You're right that I should be able to talk about these things with him without fear. I was thinking that I might seem a little controlling, presenting my oppositional feelings towards the trip, etc., but he needs to take my feelings into account (which he should...a weekend or a week trip are one sort of thing, but months away at an even further distance and with little or no communication and saving up likely so that we won't see each other for until after he has gone on the trip merit taking my feelings into account in a big way). It's true, too, that he probably had this desire to go on a trip like that in years past, but is wondering if it is a good decision since practices this year aren't off to a great start.

Silviar: That's an excellent point. Recently, I was told that I would be hired in an on-call manner, come this fall, for something in my field. That said, it will be few and far between and I still face the hurdle of finding other appropriate and lucrative work. ...but it also means that I am going to try harder to stay around here, since I know the area and can save on rent. My SO doesn't seem too comfortable coming to visit me in my parents' home and was hoping, as am I, that I would find my job and my own place and such soon (although, I think in that situation he is quite versed in what I am experiencing and why certain things aren't possible right now). So...it could be that he may be feeling kind of put out that I am putting roots down here (but when we have talked about being closer together, we both always knew that it would be more likely and successful for him to move and...he has also expressed wanting to move). You're right, too, that maybe he is caught up in feeling excited about it and not really aware of how it is making me feel that he is making a choice which will prolong our LDR.

Yes, moving and being closer together is such a tender subject in our relationship. To start things off, I think he was a bit of a commitmentphobe, but I do really trust that he is faithful to me and he puts in a lot of effort to work through things (in his own man way), talk a lot, do romantic things, etc. Yet, I know that it is important to have some sort of time frame in mind for when we will be closer together (and know, for our sanity, that we will be closer together) and have tried to impress that upon him and he agrees with the concept, but when I try to even discuss it in a theoretical way, it is like nailing Jell-O to a wall (and that makes my heart sink, when I think that my Mom is really right that he isn't serious about me). He seems to get really upset and clam up about it (and that makes me upset, because I want to be able to at least discuss the topic comfortably). Yet, in the past, he has been very romantic and basically has said that he would follow me to where I am, because he doesn't want to lose me (if he maintains his current programming job, it could technically be portable around the world for long-term commutes...though, he seemed to somewhat favour the idea that I would go work abroad and he would follow me, rather than commuting to Canada). More recently, (and this is based not on direct quotes from him, but what I have gathered from what he has said) I think that he is rather afraid of graduating, especially when he sees how hard it has been for me to find a "real job." He seemed very skittish about the idea of living together without having had more in-person time together (I kind of feel the same way, but then how are we going to get the more in-person time?). Since he gets really stiff about these conversations, too, I haven't really ever talked about marriage or if he believes in it, etc. Not that we would be ready for it, but, for me, I think things would be more successful if we lived nearer to each other and saw each other frequently and had more of a prospect of marriage than living together (though, I would consider living with someone I was engaged to). I know that sounds really old-fashioned, but I ultimately want to experience marriage with the right person and I am afraid that my young life will be eaten up with a string of "serious" beaus who flake out when the dreaded future is discussed and, for me, indefinite common law is not what I want (so, if there is something before that, it is seeing each other seriously close by). (I know that is opening a can of worms and I will be clear that I am not wanting to rush into marriage at all, I just have an idea of what I want and what will be good for me, personally, in romantic relationships and what I am and am not willing to give up on in the name of compromise). I have a feeling he views things a different way, but I am really too afraid to have these future talks with him because of the way he reacts. So, recently, the other most reasonable solution we have considered is that he could move to Seattle (wouldn't have to deal with immigration, he says he likes Seattle, and it is metropolitan enough for him)and me moving closer to the American border may be a possibility. He has always given the impression that he has outgrown or feels too familiar to where he lives and wants to be somewhere different soon after graduation, yet now it seems like he wants to stick around there with his family, the same old friends, and still be affiliated with the university (hey, I can understand how that is a draw, for sure...but it is a decision that really would throw our relationship into a constant limbo). So...I also thought that we had agreed that after graduation, we would be talking more seriously about seeing each other more frequently, or, even better, living closer by and he never (until yesterday) gave me the impression that his home-town stay after graduation would be particularly long (much exceeding a cap of a couple months). With the news yesterday, I kind of wanted to be a 12-year-old and storm away (if that is possible from a distance) and brood--what's the point of talking and doing all these things from a distance if we have no future closer together? I love him, but I can't keep trying at things with him if I know that we will never be together and I will start just to feel that I'm nothing more than a temporary therapist and romance to entertain him while he finishes school, with the convenience of having me far away. )':

Ugh, and I thought things were going better and was looking forward to getting something ready for our 6-month anniversary (though, I have been fond of him much longer, probably since we "met" more than a year ago), but now the days just seem to go on where I am wondering why I am bothering talking with him every night, let alone panicking over a gift.

[Bluestars]

That sounds a bit like my SO. He moved to be closer to me the day after he graduated....and that only lasted two months before he moved back home and now he has no idea what he wants to do with his life. When he first moved back, he told me that he was thinking of saving up money so that he could travel around Europe before he got a real job. I got really upset over it and overreacted, and it almost caused us to break up.

I thought that he should be more concerned about getting his life together and getting a career (part of this was because he spent seven years on his undergrad though). One of the major issues that upset me was that he said he wouldn't be able to come see me next because he would be saving all of the money for his trip. I thought that I should be more of a priority to him, and that also would delay when he would be able to move back.

However, after talking, I realized I had to give him the space he needed if we even stood a chance at being together. I mean, if this was really important to him and I kept him from doing it, he would just resent me. Also, I was being a bit controlling, which was not cool on my part. We do not have a set date when one of us will make the move, and the only thing at the moment that is keeping us apart is that my SO has no idea what he wants to do with life.

I say you should ask him why he wants to go and what it will mean to him. Try to be understanding, after all, if I remember correctly, you have graduated but have not moved to be with him immediately either, so he needs that time to figure out his life as well. You should still talk about how you will fit into the picture though. That is one thing that really helped my SO and I make up. He isn't even planning to go to Europe anymore, now he is thinking about Canada since it is cheaper lol, but I still know that he wants me to be in his future somewhere down the road.

[Lunar Snow]

Thanks again for the comments. I did discuss it with him and it was really helpful. I don't think he actually realized that it was making me feel down, until I said so. It turns out that he also hadn't really thought about the possibility of joining a choir that travels after graduation (which I pointed out) and, so, he decided that he would nix the trip (for some other reasons, as well). I felt like my opinion was a bit biased, so I was stupid enough to say "oh, well, give it a few more days to think about it now that we have talked through some new ideas," when it might have been smarter to keep my mouth shut! Ah, well, as far as I know he will not be taking off for Italy without me. Actually, he shares the same travel in Europe with me dream, too.

As for talking about the wider issue of living closer together after graduation, I kind of avoided that (well, in my email I touched on it, but when we actually conversed on the phone, I just wanted to move on from the stress and share a laugh together). That conversation was enough with some of the stresses I have been facing lately and I also found out some very exciting news, which rather tempered my urge to discuss future plans. More on that in another thread! I still will need to have more talks about the dread pirate future with him, but will hope for a better time (if there is such a thing...how about the least awkward time, instead?).