never again

[whatruckus]

The feeling that I get is that he broke up with you? Judging from how he said he "can't make it real". And then told you he wouldn't pick you up from the airport and didn't want the visit? Is that wrong? Did I miss something?

[Zapookie]

A surprise visit for a couple who have never met is not a good idea. I'm sorry this happened, but really, if you know your partner is hesitant to meet and has reservations for whatever reason, a visit shouldn't be sprung on them. This kind of thing needs to be talked through and expectations/limits need to be heavily communicated between the couple prior to meeting.

[Unicorn26]

I'm not offended by anyone calling him a scumbag because in my head I scumbag isn't the worst thing I've thought. I will agree with a lot of this, and what you posted earlier about British men being reserved and not willing to talk about their feelings. He was both of those things. Not to say I'm incredibly in touch with my feelings and some sort of 'wild American woman', but there's an obvious difference. The woman who did my hair for the last 6 years met a man from England, they got married here in the states, and she recently moved to the UK with him. We use to talk about the differences, this coming from her and her experience with her husband....she told me her husband was afraid to come over for the first time. Just all the bad stories people here about America, how 'big' everything is, a faster pace of life, etc. I just know I am more a leader and not a follower, I'm usually willing to take risks, to put myself out there, to take the steering wheel of my own life. And it seems like he's fearful, and is just a passerby.

I think you just summed up everything perfectly. British culture is very reserved and that is a fact. Men over here don't really talk about their feelings much, if you find one that does then that's a rare thing. Americans (in my experience) tend ti be more open, more honest, more friendly and will complement a lot more than Brits do. When I was first with my SO I found it really hard to accept his compliments but now I'm more used to it. He will tell me readily if he's feeling sad, missing me or jealous about something. It's a breath of fresh air compared to my other relationships.

I'm sorry he didn't offer you an explanation, especially as you had been discussing this trip already. It's not like it was the first he'd heard about it, you guys had been discussing and planning this for a while. I appreciate how you must be feeling, I really hope he is courteous enough to explain his actions to you so you can process fully what's happened. Time is a great healer.

And... Know your worth. Never settle for less than you deserve.

Look after yourself xx

[somewhereinbetween]

You see, the problem is every time we'd get close to meeting, he would push it back. We've tried to get him to visit multiple times and it never happened. I tried to visit him, and make plans with him, no surprises, but he was either not ready, or concerned about us, or would say how much he wanted to come to me first.

We haven't been very stable lately, and have broken up numerous times over the last 3 months, only to get back together. All I see from him is excuses, and with every "no not yet", "don't come here", "ill be there soon", etc, my doubts continue to grow. He says he needs stability, for things to be secure between us before coming because of all the "ups and downs" we've had. At the same time, it's him coming here, making this 'real', that would stop the madness of me feeling like he's stringing me along.

As far as dropping any plans, he wouldn't had to. I was prepared to take a taxi to my hotel. We would get evenings together after work and a couple of weekends. Not ideal, but neither of us really have the ability to coordinate time off. Now he tells me he was afraid. He's scared that I will leave him and eventually after going back to being long distance, I'll get bored, and break up once again. He's let fear control him during the last 15 months we've been together. Even though there's little to fear when I was the one who was doing the traveling alone and taking a huge risk. And that bothers me greatly because I'm not that type of person. I try my best to not be.

The hotel is a Holiday Inn Express, but apparently since it was through priceline and the policy I agreed to is pre-payment with no refund. I tried, I spoke with two people from priceline but they won't budge on the policy. I called the hotel and was told to call back Monday and speak to the GM. She thinks that maybe I'll only have to pay the first night. I'm hoping and praying that they can help me out. I thought about disputing it with my credit card company, but it's not like there's fraud taking place. I booked it. I'm responsible

Did he break up with me? No. I ended it with him. Whether I was in the right or wrong, an hour prior to me telling him about coming over, he had just told me loved me 'lots and lots'. Then like a switch went off, he doesn't want to meet me? He doesn't want me coming over to him, and he hasn't made a serious attempt to come see me. I fear he just is okay with being LD and never meeting, or hiding some secret from me. The worst part is, 24 hours later right on cue I'm getting "please I still love you, it was a mistake, I want to make this work, I said those things out of fear" from him. He was suppose to come visit in January, but he can't even ask time off from work until the 1st of the month, so nothing has even been planned, and in my heart of hearts, I know nothing ever would have happened.

[Petals]

Ok...Actions speak louder than words. Obviously you are not compatible, so I think you made the right decision.

While I understand that certain circumstances can interfere with plans, recurrent failure to follow through on meeting is a red flag in my eyes. I sense he is a procrastinator in other areas of his life as well and being a go getter you would have had serious arguments about other important matters. He sounds like my ex (he's British too haha). My SO is British born but grew up in Australia - reserved he's definitely not.

[whatruckus]

Ok...Actions speak louder than words. Obviously you are not compatible, so I think you made the right decision.

While I understand that certain circumstances can interfere with plans, recurrent failure to follow through on meeting is a red flag in my eyes. I sense he is a procrastinator in other areas of his life as well and being a go getter you would have had serious arguments about other important matters. He sounds like my ex (he's British too haha). My SO is British born but grew up in Australia - reserved he's definitely not.

I definitely agree with Petals. If you guys had plenty of opportunities to meet, and the means, but he kept pushing it back every time, then yea. I don't think he was ever going to come around. You've been trying to make it happen for a year now and it seems like he's just kind of "eh" about it.

[Miasmata]

Shame you didn't seem to be as compatible as you thought. Rooting for you that you can at least get partially refunded for the hotel. Would be a shame to be out of more than "just" the relationship. I hope all the best for you now, take good care of yourself.

[snow]

I am glad you broke up with him since you two were obviously not compatible and you both deserve better. Sorry you lost so much money.

[p_b82]

Sorry to the OP about the end of the relationship, and the circumstances it came about, it is a really shitty way for it to end

Going on to the points made about British guys:
I would say that culturally all British are more reserved in our attitudes in general (both male and female), but feelings are talked about, but typically only when people are really trusted that they are not going to do something with that info that is not going to 'hurt or harm' us in any way.

I think it is also the way we communicate is slightly different, with less importance put on voice communication, and more over text,email, IM formats. The number of US work colleagues that call me with the same thing that would be sent in an IM by a UK or European colleague is interesting...

The biggest difference is with enthusiasm - I would say the UK in general, just doesn't really show it, it doesn't mean are not enjoying whatever activity, or that we don't appreciate work well done etc, we just don't feel the need to tell the 'world' about it at the time quite so loudly or with so many whoop's lol.

[Just me1989]

I'm sorry for posting in this thread , I just came across it, and you told me not to txt you today but I can't get you off of my mind, I'm so sorry I freaked out, with how many times you had broken up with me out of nowhere, I just thought that this was a quick fix for you, I would never have abandoned you, and I see now that you truly were commeted to us, I know I have lost you, but I hope in time, we can meet at least as friends because, I will never find anybody like you again, and it has took this to realise it, I am sorry