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Update: If anyone remember my story I need a bit of advice please

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    #1

    Update: If anyone remember my story I need a bit of advice please

    Hello forum, I am back with great news! Me and my bf have now been together for about 2 months and as of about a month ago, he has told me he loves me back! So we are definitely together. There are some things I am concerned about as in any relationship, who knew that a serious relationship would be so difficult long distance? I am very fortunate to have such a loving and understanding man, because any other man or person in general would be very put off with my constant tests and never ending questions. I guess what still worries me is that after 3 months of knowing each other he still doesn't feel comfortable talking on the phone...why could that be? It bothers me, because this isn't the first ldr I have had and all of them would have called within a week if not sooner and we would actually be texting using our real numbers and not a texting app. Has anyone else dealt with a bf not wanting to call you and if you have did that change, what did you do to change that? Something else that I don't really know what to do about is the fact that every single day for the past 2.5 months we have talked about the same serious things day in and day out mostly because of me, I don't know what else to talk about. He told me today that he doesn't want every conversation to be serious, so I told him that he would have to start talk about things that interests him, but he says that I judge him when he does so he has stopped....How can we talk about more things then just our relationship? He talks about anything I bring up but doesn't ever bring up anything about himself.

    Something else that really bothered me is I asked him earlier today if I was someone he could bring to meet his mom, and the only thing he said was "I suppose"... That really hurt my feelings. So I asked him what I could do to improve myself, and he flat out refuses to answer, he says I'm too delicate and he will keep avoiding the question, because I get hurt and sad too easy. What should I think about his response to meeting his mom one day?

    I'm almost certain that he really does love me and wants me. He tells me he does and he calls me "his" so I think he is in it for the long haul. I told him that I didn't think he was as invested in this as I am and he said he used to tell me he just how invested in this he was but he was tired of hearing "you're lying" or "I don't believe you" so he stopped, but really how do you know if someone really is into you?

    Something else that bugs me is when I talk about my mom who died when I was 7 he doesn't say anything, he literally sends one word replies, like "oh" or "ok" and sometimes I get really sad missing her and it seems like he doesn't care, but that topic will always be a huge thing in my life and I don't think I can take him not talking to me about it. What do you think is going on in his head?

    It's hard to actually put into words everything that has been going on but I tried my best to describe the most recent things and the things I need advice about, thank you for the help in advance, any questions or comments are welcome!
    Thank You
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    #2
    I'm hoping this isn't the same guy you were talking about almost 2 months ago...

    If so, I still think he's messing with you and he doesn't seem invested in the relationship. Especially if he doesn't want to talk about anything in his life, or talk to you on the phone. Plus, you've only been dating for about 2 months. I'm not quite sure if he really does love you, as he could've just said it because you said it to him first.

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      #3
      the reason he gives me for not talking about what hes interested in is because I judge him so he stopped trying

      Comment

        #4
        If people in a relationship stopped trying every time something the other person did upset them, no relationship would last. I wouldn't put up with this from someone CD, let alone in an LDR. Communication is key and you aren't getting that from him. One person can't make a relationship work.
        To those who dream, nothing is ever far away.

        ​Distance is to love as wind is to fire. It blows out the little ones and fans the big ones.

        Comment

          #5
          I concur with R&R and whatruckus. I think you should be cautious and push for more communication. If you feel like something fishy is going on or he's being avoidant about something, that is definitely something worth inquiring about. And be honest with yourself - If you aren't satisfied with the answers, no amount of "I love you" can fix that lack of trust you have in him. If this keeps up, you're just going to run yourself ragged with the lack of clear answers/communication.

          ~
          It'll take a lot more than words and guns
          A whole lot more than riches and muscle
          The hands of the many must join as one
          And together we'll cross the river

          Comment

            #6
            Originally posted by JC2122 View Post
            the reason he gives me for not talking about what hes interested in is because I judge him so he stopped trying
            Elaborate on what he meant by you "judging" him, you only touched on the subject. Is this true, do you really do that? If so, like R&R said, why would he just give up? Sounds like he just doesn't care enough to put the effort in. If that's the case, I don't see the relationship lasting. A relationship is 50/50. Not, "when I feel like it I'll give, but I'll mostly receive" which it seems like your SO is doing.

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              #7
              You asked to see his mum 2 months into the long distance relationship. That might be a little too soon.

              My SO needs a lot of encauragement to talk about stuff that interests him, if you really wants yours to talk more (maybe you judged him in the past, maybe others did before you came along), then act like every little thing he says is interesting (and it is, because you are learning more about someone close to you). You might find interesting questions to ask him, search online for 100 questions to ask a lover. Make sure he asks you too so that you both learn about the other.
              I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
              - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



              "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

              Comment

                #8
                Originally posted by JC2122 View Post
                he was tired of hearing "you're lying" or "I don't believe you" so he stopped, but really how do you know if someone really is into you?
                If you have really been saying this stuff then I can understand his reaction. He might feel like he constantly has to prove himself to you. We don't know what is going on in his head, so you need to talk to him about this and acknowledge what you have done wrong, rather than putting all the blame on him. If you have so many important problems this early on in the relationship, and you can't work around it because he won't call you or give you proper answers, I'd say it's probably not going to work out. You deserve someone who cares, and he doesn't seem to do that from what you've just written. Wishing you the best of luck!

                Comment

                  #9
                  Originally posted by JC2122 View Post
                  he said he used to tell me he just how invested in this he was but he was tired of hearing "you're lying" or "I don't believe you" so he stopped, but really how do you know if someone really is into you?

                  Something else that bugs me is when I talk about my mom who died when I was 7 he doesn't say anything, he literally sends one word replies, like "oh" or "ok" and sometimes I get really sad missing her and it seems like he doesn't care, but that topic will always be a huge thing in my life and I don't think I can take him not talking to me about it. What do you think is going on in his head?
                  I think you made a big mistake by accusing him of lying and not caring about you. You have to assume he is telling things the best way he can, and that he is actually into you. Anything that doesn't work, assume it is a misunderstanding based on it being that you don't know each other well yet. If you truely felt he was lying and indifferent, you should leave the relationship. You are obviously making him very uncomfortable sharing because it is an unsafe atmosphere for him. Then you expect him to be comfortable when you share! Do you see how this can confuse him? I used to think that SO didn't care because he gave shallow replies like the ones you are describing. Then I realized, THIS GUY DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO TALK ABOUT EMOTIONS AND I AM HIS TEACHER NOW. That put everything I said and did in a different frame of mind. I put me aside for a while and focused on how he was doing. Since he never had someone take an interest in him like that, it proved very effectful to build trust between us. Deciding to trust someone and decide to be curious are acts of love. He will talk to you about it, but he needs to know you in order to be able to support you. Don't rush it, focus on building your relationship base. And also have a little fun! Share a comic. Send him a video of a funny cat. Tease him and make up jokes. Whatever will work to draw a lighter shade. It is not superficial to want to have fun, too, it is all part of a good life.
                  I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
                  - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



                  "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

                  Comment

                    #10
                    [QUOTE=differentcountries;378394]You asked to see his mum 2 months into the long distance relationship. That might be a little too soon.

                    I didn't ask him to meet his mom...we live hundreds of miles away. I was just asking him if I was the kind of person he would take to meet his mom

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Originally posted by whatruckus View Post
                      Elaborate on what he meant by you "judging" him, you only touched on the subject. Is this true, do you really do that? If so, like R&R said, why would he just give up? Sounds like he just doesn't care enough to put the effort in. If that's the case, I don't see the relationship lasting. A relationship is 50/50. Not, "when I feel like it I'll give, but I'll mostly receive" which it seems like your SO is doing.
                      I didn't know what he meant either but he gave me an example: He said that one time he told me that he wanted to buy a Porsche and instead of saying something like "that's a fast car" or "wow that's nice" I told him why can't he live simply and that we aren't right for each other. That is his idea of judging I guess.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Originally posted by whatruckus View Post
                        If so, like R&R said, why would he just give up?
                        He talks about whatever it may be that I talk about and answers any questions I may ask, but the part he has given up on is bringing up topics he would like to talk about

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Originally posted by JC2122 View Post
                          I didn't know what he meant either but he gave me an example: He said that one time he told me that he wanted to buy a Porsche and instead of saying something like "that's a fast car" or "wow that's nice" I told him why can't he live simply and that we aren't right for each other. That is his idea of judging I guess.
                          You need to set yourself straight. You wonder if he loves you and is as invested in this as you are, yet you flat out tell him that you are not right for each other when he says he wants to buy a Porsche, which seems like you are not invested at all.
                          Some people like to dream big and imagine buying things for themselves or even buy those things for themselves, but that's not really for you to judge, so I have to agree with your boyfriend. If my man acted this way with everything I told him that I am passionate about, I wouldn't want to share things like these with him either.
                          You don't have to like everything your SO does, but you have to be supportive. In the car situation, you could have simply ask him about the car a little instead of making him feel silly for his idea.

                          Relationship began: 05/22/2012
                          First Met: 03/21/2013 - 03/30/2013
                          Second Visit: 06/06/2013 - 08/21/2013 ~ Proposal: 07/06/2013 ♥
                          Third Visit: 10/09/2013 - 01/08/2013
                          Closed the distance: 11/20/2014 ♥
                          Married: 1/24/2015
                          Became Resident: 9/14/2015

                          Comment

                            #14
                            It sounds to me that the two of you need to sit down and hit the reset switch, and talk this through.

                            He appears to have the impression you don't take criticism well for whatever reason, or differences of opinions, and you appear to have previously walked over/crushed his dreams and aspirations and may have done so on more than just a small ideal of buying a car.

                            Communication, and truthful, adn honest communication is vital, if you two can't do that, then you both need to end it, as longer term it will just get worse and worse IMO.

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Thanks for everyone who has replied regarding my situation, I just honestly need help in general on how to proceed for this point on, me and him have talked about things and out of all of my LDR relationships, I want this one to work. It's only been 3 months since we have began talking so I guess I have to wait to show him that I don't want to judge him. That I want him to talk to me about his goal and aspirations and dreams. We have an 18 yr difference him being 40 so we will see

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