This is a rather personal admonishment, however...

[Honour]

Hello everyone. Let me begin by saying that typing the following words are not easy to type. It has taken me a lot of will power to recount my current situation when it has been ongoing for so long and has worn me out so much. I have been in a steady relationship with my SO for a little over 4 weeks now. I've known him a lot longer however, since February at the earliest. We met through an online game, and whilst we lost touch with one another for a few months, he contacted me again out of the blue when I was going through one of the hardest times in my life. You see, my ex, who is also one of my closest friends (he is called James), was diagnosed with terminal lymph node cancer and given an estimate of 6 months to live. This news came to me around the beginning of May (a little while before my SO, Kurdt, contacted me again) and it was a devastating blow to me. I have known James a long time, and we shared so many moments together. He is a lot older than me, however this has never concerned me. We met in Second Life's clone, RLC, another adult virtual world. I was an online DJ and James became my "groupie," he adored my music selection so much, lol. He would follow me through RLC's nightclubs, and attended nearly every single one of my gigs. We got closer to the point we slipped into a relationship, though it ended around a year later on mutual terms. 2 months after our split he was diagnosed with this cancer. Since then, he has been enrolled on a pioneering research process in which he has undergone a laser treatment in an effort to lengthen his life. Whilst the treatment worked to some extent, he found that a few weeks later his leg swelled up like a balloon, and was told the cancer, which the healthcare professionals had told him had been "gotten rid of entirely," had spread to his leg, and there was a clot the size of a lemon in his leg. In the past few months, James has undergone the laser surgery treatment (non-invasive surgery) and completed the sessions, whilst also undergoing chemotherapy. He has also been rushed to hospital several times, to the ER, has struggled to care for his drunken mother (in her 70s, suffers from depression, barely registers her surroundings and cannot care for herself; she gets help from local nurses and other assorted staff some of the time, and is not aware of James's cancer) and has lost his job, where he worked 60 hours minimum a week overnight at the local garage and was sacked for simply being a "senior member of staff."

Now, my own health is not great. I have been labelled "disabled," however I find this insulting, though there is not much I can do about that. I have 2 conditions, one of them being costochondritis (painful inflammation of the costal cartilage in the chest area around the breast bone) and fibromyalgia (consists of various, unpleasant symptoms, most of which I have; it causes "sore points" across several characteristic parts of the body, they are extremely tender to touch, and I have a heightened awareness and sensitivity to pain, caused by all factors but especially pressure). They have ruined my life, and in the past year I have been picking up the pieces following an extremely difficult and painful mental and physical breakdown after being forced to leave my previous university course due to illness and an inability to meet the demands of the course physically, which all occurred roughly last April. Through all the pain and suffering I myself have endured, hardly bothering to alert my parents or others to the pain I'm going through, everyday, 24/7 (due to the fact I find myself becoming a pest should I complain too much to those who cannot lessen the severe pain I have so I hide it all deep down), I have stuck by James and been there for him every single time he needed me. I have not abandoned him, as most did when they discovered his cancer; I stuck by his side and will continue to do so in all manners I can. We Skype, we text, we talk and we laugh, we smile and we cry together. He lives in Michigan, I am in the UK.

However, there came a point where I found myself wondering as Kurdt came into the scene, what lay ahead for me next? I was recently rock bottom when Kurdt got back in touch. Yet he touched my life, and surprised me. He caught me entirely off guard. Now, I have found myself falling deeply for him, and whilst I at first tried to warn Kurdt off, told him everything (all my secrets; he has gained my trust like no other minus James, my parents are the exception) to try and keep him at arm's length because I was terrified of opening up to someone else after I'd been hurt so badly by so many... I inexorably found myself drawn to him, and fell deeply in love with him.

And now as I'm typing this part, I'm starting to cry. Because I have no clue what to do. Am I a bad person because, despite a part of me loving James and wanting to be with him, there is also a part of me that wishes to be with Kurdt? I have allowed myself to be swept off my feet, yet now I feel dreadful. It makes me want to hate myself and call myself on it. I know my heart is split in two; one man I love is dying and is struggling in silence, because despite my best efforts, depression and loneliness has set in, and the other man is by my side, holding my hand (not quite literally) and guiding me through what is happening.

What do I do?

[Miasmata]

You don't owe someone a relationship, ever. Not even when they're terminally ill. Your friend deserves your honesty and kindness now more than ever, and if he's worth his salt he wants to see you happy too, not faking feelings for him that aren't there. It's very honorable that you want to be there for him, but trust me, you can do that as a friend too. You don't need to be his girlfriend to be good for him. I sincerely wish you, your new relationship and your friend the very possible best.

[differentcountries]

I see no discrepency here. You have a romantic relationship that is growing, and also a friendship with someone you care about and who needs you right now. While I started my relationship with SO, his only sister had died only 7 months before. I wanted more than anything to take part in his grief over her. Difficult times are great uppertunities to know some real things about a person. If your boyfriend helps you through the sickness of a friend that is great, as long as you maintain some sickness-free zones of your relationship.

I urge you to work on your shame for being disabled, or "function-redcuced" which is the Norwegian term for it. I have fibromyalgia, too, I have pain in all 18 tender points, as well as 5 other deseases and afflicitions. I usually say I have a "flower bucket" of diagnosis and make fun of others that they are not as "lucky" as me because I have got it all! I have been years on years on temporarily benifits because I developed problem after problem. I have used all my money and time to ease the symptoms of the things I have got. Finally it seemed I found that last one in January two years ago. February this year I started work practice, which developed into a temporary position which will probably be steady next year. My workplace is an umbrella organisation for disabled/function-reduced people's organisations, which means I am able to use my experience as a sick person to help others as well as work towards politics. Have you heard of "crip pride"? It is a growing movement of ideas that focuss more on the healthy part of the body and what you can do, especially with aids of different kinds. I am for instance dependant on a TENS machine that I carry with me everywhere, especially in winter, to give my muscles electrical impulses that keeps them from stiffening. I would not be able to move without it, but with it I am healthier than most. I have special chairs at home and at work, they make me less tired as I have problem standing up for long or sitting in stiff chairs. I have parts of me that work slow and parts of me that work like I want them to. I used to have terrible brain fog but now my head works. I do volentary work for the Norwegian Fibromyalgia Association because lots of people are ashamed and they get no useful information from their doctor, it upsets me so to see others blame themselves when really they have not gotten proper help. I believe in openness even though it can be tough at times. If you know in your heart that you do your best and try to be creative about your situation, there is nothing to be ashamed about.

[Honour]

I see no discrepency here. You have a romantic relationship that is growing, and also a friendship with someone you care about and who needs you right now. While I started my relationship with SO, his only sister had died only 7 months before. I wanted more than anything to take part in his grief over her. Difficult times are great uppertunities to know some real things about a person. If your boyfriend helps you through the sickness of a friend that is great, as long as you maintain some sickness-free zones of your relationship.

I urge you to work on your shame for being disabled, or "function-redcuced" which is the Norwegian term for it. I have fibromyalgia, too, I have pain in all 18 tender points, as well as 5 other deseases and afflicitions. I usually say I have a "flower bucket" of diagnosis and make fun of others that they are not as "lucky" as me because I have got it all! I have been years on years on temporarily benifits because I developed problem after problem. I have used all my money and time to ease the symptoms of the things I have got. Finally it seemed I found that last one in January two years ago. February this year I started work practice, which developed into a temporary position which will probably be steady next year. My workplace is an umbrella organisation for disabled/function-reduced people's organisations, which means I am able to use my experience as a sick person to help others as well as work towards politics. Have you heard of "crip pride"? It is a growing movement of ideas that focuss more on the healthy part of the body and what you can do, especially with aids of different kinds. I am for instance dependant on a TENS machine that I carry with me everywhere, especially in winter, to give my muscles electrical impulses that keeps them from stiffening. I would not be able to move without it, but with it I am healthier than most. I have special chairs at home and at work, they make me less tired as I have problem standing up for long or sitting in stiff chairs. I have parts of me that work slow and parts of me that work like I want them to. I used to have terrible brain fog but now my head works. I do volentary work for the Norwegian Fibromyalgia Association because lots of people are ashamed and they get no useful information from their doctor, it upsets me so to see others blame themselves when really they have not gotten proper help. I believe in openness even though it can be tough at times. If you know in your heart that you do your best and try to be creative about your situation, there is nothing to be ashamed about.

You speak far truer than you know. I have anxiety issues, severe depression border-lining suicidal at times, though I would never actually do it because I realised a long time ago I have far too much to live for. I have self-harmed, and occasionally, it may occur, but it is never severe. Counselling did me little good, if only for awhile. Too many people to love and care about, even those I help yet do not fully know or perhaps even understand. I paid the price for wanting to care for others, by going to university and training to be a nurse. I couldn't cope with the demands of the course; I saw so much, experienced so much. I was told I was a more compassionate and caring nurse than any of the qualified staff. I would go through lectures in college, every single 12 hour or 6 hour shift in agony, yet I never uttered a word. Whilst internally I was suffering far more than anyone realised (even myself), I kept a budding smile on my face and my features positive. I never let any patient down, nor did I let anyone else down. Yet the price for caring and wanting to do such a tasking calling was my undoing. Therefore, 2 years and more of suffering in silence cost me everything. My course, my friends, my pride and my dignity, my self-worth.. my life. And when it finally came to a head, I had to begin my life again.

I was determined, despite my depression and suffering, that I would draw myself above it and return to university. Thus, in December 2013, I pursued a course at university (I chose Computer Science, as I adore computers, technology and gaming, though would eventually find it too complex, and as such I switched to a Geography (BSc) degree) and I applied once again, back at my old university. In February 2014, I found I had been an unconditional offer to return to study, meaning no matter what I had secured a place at university. I was overwhelmed with joy at this notion.

Roll on September 2014, and I began to study once more. It was the biggest shock to my system I had ever had. I was overwhelmed with emotions; joy, shock, fear. I had to fight to keep my university place when finances threatened to ruin my plans because of an inept funding body, but I won the case with the help of university. I have been supplied with much help from the disability services at my university; I have been supplied with equipment such as a LiveScribe pen and a Dragon Natural Speak programme, among other things, as well as a supportive and wonderful mentor. I have all the support of the university now, which is pivotal, as I would not be able to get through the course without the aid I now have. As you mentioned you had issues standing, sitting and such, I have all of those issues too, as well as an inability to focus, severe mood swings, etc... and yet, they have accommodated to everything. I'm not used to such support.

Been there, seen it, done it when it comes to disability benefits. I had to fight 6 months for any money, before the body finally gave in and accepted my case. I never used a TENS machine before, though I know what it is. I have never heard of Crip pride either. Such notions evade me I'm afraid, lol.

All I can say is this: with all the conditions and issues I have, it sometimes feels like I am completely alone. Yet I am not, however, that does not deter from the fact. I have been told I am strong, far stronger than anyone they know given the problems I have faced, yet I don't feel it. I'm just doing what comes natural to me.