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LDR 5 months- need some frank advice.

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    #1

    LDR 5 months- need some frank advice.

    This could get a bit long, but will condense as best I can!

    I met a guy online in July and though he lives 2 hours away (which I know isn't anything really) we talked and talked and eventually met up.
    He was unemployed when we met but has since started a new job (and they're messing about his pay and paid for less than half the shifts he's worked) so I travel the couple of hours to see him once every 3-4 weeks due to his finances, however he has said in the last couple of weeks he'd like to visit me in the new year. I have a young son so I tie it in with when he stays with his dad at weekends.

    My choice is to stay in a hotel as he lives with his 2 brothers, but he's never introduced or mentioned to introduce me to his family at all. He is a Christian man so has asked if we can wait for us to be too intimate until we are staying at mine, as I live alone and we won't be disturbed, and not in a hotel. I am happy with this as I've been hurt before in physical relationships and happy to take it slow- he knows this.

    We are dating exclusively, yet when I referred to us (without thinking) as in a relationship he replied 'the relationship eh? ' and it wasn't mentioned again.

    He has told me I'm very special to him, that he wants to visit and that he thinks our interactions could go far, by which he elaborated by 'far' he meant far into the future. So it's all good I feel.

    We spoke last night (Xmas night) for 2 and a half hours on the phone, having texted most of the day. I mentioned I may be able to see him tomorrow (27th) and he said it was such short notice, and he seemed surprised. I've since called that plan off as I'm poorly.

    There are so many good things that make me feel positive about us, but I need some frank advice. I know there is an issue with money for him at the moment, but I've had a couple of people say I'm doing too much and he isn't. He is a lovely man, and I really care about him, and know it's only early days, but wondered if anyone in the same boat has had this kind of uncertainty around 4/5 months?

    I know 2 hours isn't far and in the new year am hoping we both have proper schedules so we can work out proper visits and such, but I'm feeling a little uncertain about it all and would love to get another take on it.

    Thanks for reading- I know that's a crazy long post!!
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    #2
    Yes, you are doing a lot, but he has expressed that he wants to come see YOU and hopefully soon it won't be just you going there and doing everything as others have told you. Right now, I would somewhat ignore the people that say you are doing to much if going out to visit doesn't bother you then I would just wait until he comes to visit and ignore those people in the meantime. You are doing a lot of visiting him, but you are more financially set to accomadate the visitations, where as he is not, when he is I'm sure he'll come see you as many times as he can. My advice is to not let others bring you down about something.that could potentially be something very positive.
    "We are beings attracted to the essence of hope, and life is the all encompassing hope that everything can change; that everything can be better."

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      #3
      Originally posted by Unconditional View Post
      Yes, you are doing a lot, but he has expressed that he wants to come see YOU and hopefully soon it won't be just you going there and doing everything as others have told you. Right now, I would somewhat ignore the people that say you are doing to much if going out to visit doesn't bother you then I would just wait until he comes to visit and ignore those people in the meantime. You are doing a lot of visiting him, but you are more financially set to accomadate the visitations, where as he is not, when he is I'm sure he'll come see you as many times as he can. My advice is to not let others bring you down about something.that could potentially be something very positive.
      I definitely agree with this here. People always feel the need to comment on other people's relationships when they have no business. If you visiting him more than he visits you is okay with you, then keep doing it for now until things get worked out and he can come visit you more often. It's just a compromise that has to be made for right now, and nothing is wrong with it. Also, I think 4-5 months is when many people start to question a relationship. It's that time in the relationship that you are starting to get comfortable and begin to question if it will all work. I know I had doubts in the beginning, but they went away eventually. The nice thing is that you are closer than *most* LDR's... so you get the chance to visit fairly often. Like it was mentioned before, don't let other people get to you, if you two are happy then that is all that matters.
      I wish you two the best!

      Comment

        #4
        I agree with the above.

        If you like him and you have good vibes about this then stick with it. Life is full of ups and downs, we all have times when we are better off and times when finances are a struggle. He sounds like a good guy, he's probably just a little unsure the same as you are.

        Good luck and keep us posted!

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          #5
          Finances are not everything in the relationship. I never had an abundance of money and I knew I needed to save every little thing to make sure I could pay for plane tickets, so I was not able to give him many material gifts or basically anything that was expensive, but I tried my best to make him feel loved everyday.

          So, what do you feel? Is he doing enough to win your heart all over again in an instant?

          Relationship began: 05/22/2012
          First Met: 03/21/2013 - 03/30/2013
          Second Visit: 06/06/2013 - 08/21/2013 ~ Proposal: 07/06/2013 ♥
          Third Visit: 10/09/2013 - 01/08/2013
          Closed the distance: 11/20/2014 ♥
          Married: 1/24/2015
          Became Resident: 9/14/2015

          Comment

            #6
            Since he is very concervative Christian, I interpret his reluctance to call it a relationship/introduce him to his folks as him not being ready to be considered half engaged. At least that is how it works in some circles. If he cares about you, makes time for you and seem happy with your company that is a good start.

            As to who pays in the relationship, my SO earns a fraction of what I do, as well as having obligations I don't (his dentist until January, paying for upkeep of the family home of which he owns a share) - we made a deal that we both will contribute with what we can, which from my side is money+booking travels and his side as what he can afford plus using his connections to make good deals for us (he just found us a modern, fully equipped flat where we get 1/3 of the renting price off because the middle man is a close friend of his). We both do what we can, which is enough.
            I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
            - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



            "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

            Comment

              #7
              A relationship isn't and never should be a zero-sum game. Everyone does what they can, and in the real world that's just not going to be equal. As long as you both feel appreciated and treated fairly, it's crucial not to put everything on a strict scale and use the things someone has or hasn't done against each other. You do what you can, and so does he, and as long as that's the case, none of you have any reason to feel guilty!

              ~
              It'll take a lot more than words and guns
              A whole lot more than riches and muscle
              The hands of the many must join as one
              And together we'll cross the river

              Comment

                #8
                Echo the other comments from people above...

                Other people might say you are doing too much, but if you are happy doing it then keep doing it. If you ever start to feel resentful however that is time to redress the balance, whether it is finance orientated or emotionally.

                I earn more than my GF and do what I can to support her when she is in need of it. I also paid for things while over in the US as well as my travel to and from.... but I am happy to pay this, even if it does eat into some other plans and projects, as for me it is worth the price... you are the only one that can make that call, and if you think it is worth it, for whatever reason then keep doing it

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