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    #1

    slut shaming by SO's family?

    So i am currently home in Australia for the holidays. My boyfriend had his family's Xmas in California and somehow, his nosey niece stumbled across my hidden alias Instagram that featured my pole dancing photos. (i have been dancing for sport for 2.5 years at a studio).

    His best friend and his wife and his niece were really uncomfortable about it and asking if I was a stripper. I got pretty severely slut-shamed and my boyfriend made me feel pretty bad about it, even though he says he 'doesn't care' that I pole dance.

    How should I handle this? I feel really bad about myself now that I've been slut-shamed, and it doesn't seem like he did all too much to stick up for me, because I'm pretty sure he secretly agrees with them...
    I'll be seeing you again.
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    #2
    Eh let them think your a slut, Bff is probably jealous his wife doesn't look as hot, wife is probably jealous she doesn't look that hot, niece- who cares what kids think and for your bf sometimes it is hard to stand up for things. My grandma likes to go on racist rants, mainly about immigration and it is waaay easier to just let her do her think than correct her. Not saying that what your bf did is right but it happens a lot. Don't feel bad about yourself. I'm guessing you do it for exercise? You can't please everyone. I would tell your boyfriend though that if things are said in the future you'd rather not hear about them and if he has an issue to speak now or get the hell over it.

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      #3
      I have a couple of questions:

      1. Does he know that you pole dance?
      2. How did his niece find the "secret" pics and connect them to you? It seems a bit far fetched unless she was specifically looking for pole dancing pics, or they are connected to your name or nickname (I must admit I don't know how Instagram works, but the way pictures seem to freeflow there is the reason I am not on it)
      3. How does he feel about revealing clothes, dancing in public etc. in general? Would he worry if he saw you in any other not-so-covered outfits?

      His friends and family saying weird stuff is perhaps understandable if they don't know you or what pole dancing is, but SO reffering to what they are saying, without adding believably he doesn't feel the same way... is a big red flag. I can't even imagine how I would feel if SO said something bad about how I behaved or dressed, or "let it be known" how others felt which is more or less the same damn thing.

      In fact I have had big issues with my husband about his inability to stand up for me towards his relatives (on totally different matters but I too felt ashamed), and told him in no uncertain terms that is the correct way to behave if he wants me to run very far away. I can understand it is a dillemma if he wants to inform you while still not hurt you, but if you feel he is ashamed, then part of him probably is. And the sooner you call him on it, the better.
      Last edited by differentcountries; December 27, 2014, 10:30 PM.
      I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
      - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



      "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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        #4
        Originally posted by snow_girl View Post
        Eh let them think your a slut, Bff is probably jealous his wife doesn't look as hot, wife is probably jealous she doesn't look that hot, niece- who cares what kids think and for your bf sometimes it is hard to stand up for things. My grandma likes to go on racist rants, mainly about immigration and it is waaay easier to just let her do her think than correct her. Not saying that what your bf did is right but it happens a lot. Don't feel bad about yourself. I'm guessing you do it for exercise? You can't please everyone. I would tell your boyfriend though that if things are said in the future you'd rather not hear about them and if he has an issue to speak now or get the hell over it.
        I agree. First of all, they have no right shaming you and making you feel bad about yourself. You do it for sport, and the exercise. You would think that in today's society here in the US that everyone would be cool with it. So many women do it today just for this reason. It's a great work out, and if I wasn't so uncoordinated and weak, I would try it myself. Your BF, no offense, is an A-hole for making you feel bad too, agreeing with them, and not standing up for you. You need to have a serious talk with him about how he made you feel, and how disappointed in him you are. No way would my SO ever let anyone talk crap like that about me, ever. Even if he agreed with them.

        But, also learn that you can't count on anyone else to stand up for you except for yourself.

        Pole dancing doesn't make you a whore, and it doesn't make you a "stripper". It makes you empowered with a wonderful physique and great flexibility.

        "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt

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          #5
          I agree with the ladies above me. The family and friends are probably just jealous that they're not in the shape that you're in, or they're just up-the-butt conservative...
          Anyways, I would also be upset if my SO hadnt stuck up for me in such a situation. I would try talking to him about it, and ask him why he didn't stand up for you. Is he embarrassed by it or something? Either way, you don't deserve that sort of treatment.

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            #6
            My first thought was you need to make those "secret" pictures a little more secretive. I know you didn't ask about this but if some random niece could find it, so could a potential employer who might also not be as open minded about your recreational activities.

            Don't feel bad. I think everyone deep down wishes they could pole dance. I know I do.

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              #7
              Wow. What a load of narrow minded individuals!!!

              I agree with the previous comments on this thread, I think they're all just jealous!

              I pole dance for exercise, there's nothing slutty about it at all! It's damn hard work, by far the toughest work out I've ever done. It takes tremendous upper body and core strength and coordination and that's why I started taking the classes. My upper body and core strength are now very much improved and my body looks amazing. I wear small shorts and a sports to do my classes what the hell is slutty about that??!! Nothing!!!

              I'd be very angry with my SO if I was in your position. One, because of his niece accessing your Instagram and two, fir not standing up for your (excellent) choice in exercise! You should bring your pole to a family gathering and let them have a go, let them see how difficult it is then you can give them a demo and make it look easy!

              It sounds like they need to open up their minds a little. I think it's hilarious they think you're a stripper just because you pole dance!!! Wow, the ignorance of some people never ceases to amaze me!

              Comment

                #8
                When I saw the title of this thread, I had to admit, I laughed. And reading what's been said, and what the "shaming" came from, I laughed even further.

                Some people have no clue. My ex's family used to hate me, called me a whore once for no reason whatsoever. My ex was so ashamed of his family, but I laughed it off. As Mary Poppins once said, some people will never see beyond the bridge of their noses.

                Who cares what they think? You know you're nothing like what they're portraying, your boyfriend knows this too... it's for leisure, so what?

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                  #9
                  Ignore those that are narrow minded enough to make 2+2=7.

                  My sister has done pole dancing and burlesque stuff as part of girly weekends with her friends, it is nothing to be ashamed of - and if you did dance for money for a living, so what - it is just providing a service that some people are willing to pay money for....

                  I'd have words with your BF though if it were me, not to tell him off, but to find out why he didn't either side with you more, or why he seems to be uncomfortable with it

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                    #10
                    I want to see those pics
                    Never tried the sport (my sister has) and I've heard it is really hard work.
                    It sounds like a fun exercise though if you are fit enough.

                    I agree with the rest. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
                    But it does sound to me a little like your boyfriend didn't know about your hobby.

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