The uncertainty is taking a toll on me...

[stacyrose]

So a few of you might know that I was planning on moving to Oregon to be closer to my boyfriend David in early October.

That is no longer the case.

So many details in this plan have changed...originally I was going to stay with my aunt after David's roommates all expressed discomfort with me staying there (one of his roommates was going to be about 95% financially supported by his parents) so I said fine and threw in the towel. It was a disappointment but not the end of the world.

Then my aunt totally let me down...she was expecting me to pay $200 rent without any time to get a job, and I have no money saved and no car. With my aunt there are no negotiations once she puts terms to something, so that drew her out. I came crying to David about it and he finally managed to convince his roommates it would be cool for me to stay. This was what I was hoping for initially so of course I was beyond ecstatic.

The past several weeks my man has been hard at work, looking for apartments and townhomes, comparing prices and utilities, doing the math as far as how much would need to be contributed by each person, parking spaces, while the other three guys made absolutely no effort at all. It came down to the place we figured we wanted, when he got a call that two of his roommates had decided to stay at home during the fall semester, and his other roommate simply chose to bow out after the other two did.

Which meant that I had nowhere to stay. He cannot support himself on his own without a better job or until I got a job to help out. David insisted that I make my aunt keep me because her terms for my stay are unfair considering my circumstances (she also has a roommate in her house that pays $400 and also does yard work for food). But I know my aunt, and I know in this instance she will not cave. As it is she dosn't really like me staying there during two week visits.

And he is just torn and says hes tired and can't do this for much longer. I asked him, "You're not giving up on me right? No matter what?" and his response was "I can't promise that. I'm sorry."

Its tearing me up because I love him so much and I know he loves me, but its just getting to a point where its getting very difficult for him to last much longer. I was really upset and told him all the things I was giving up and how I feel like its one sided, and alot of things got said and we were both really upset. We cooled down a bit for a day and agreed that we should probably stop too much video calling and spend more time away from each other.

We had a talk today and expressed some of our feelings and I let alot of things off my chest which felt nice. We agreed on trying to plan another visit late November, which is more of a compromise than I hoped, but still. I don't know what his limits are and I'm not sure if he's just gonna snap one day because of the pressure and call it quits. I am loyal to a fault almost, because I feel like I could wait forever for him, but I understand why he couldn't. I haven't felt this unsure about things since after the first time I visited him, and wasn't sure if the relationship was even gonna continue or if I was gonna see him again. I have no idea when I will be able to move back...but in the meantime I'm going to search for a job and save up some money and work on some other things at home.

I just don't know how long he's willing to wait.

[Zephii]

I wish there was a way I could help.

If you's can't room up with his mates have you tried to find other people wanting the house-share on craig'slist or something? There are lots of young people who are trying to get out and stand on their own feet.

At the moment though he's probably just disapointed and overwhelmed at all his hard work that just went to waste. A few words of support and a bit of love will help with that, try to remain positive yourself instead of letting it bring you down too. It's easier to sink into hopelessness if you have someone else also doing it.

[stacyrose]

I wish there was a way I could help.

If you's can't room up with his mates have you tried to find other people wanting the house-share on craig'slist or something? There are lots of young people who are trying to get out and stand on their own feet.

At the moment though he's probably just disapointed and overwhelmed at all his hard work that just went to waste. A few words of support and a bit of love will help with that, try to remain positive yourself instead of letting it bring you down too. It's easier to sink into hopelessness if you have someone else also doing it.

I'm being more of a downer than him at this point because I am mentally preparing myself for the worst. He keeps saying "I'm here now, it's not over yet. I love you, can't we just focus on right now?" But I feel right now if we dont focus on what we are going to do in the future it's just going to get worse.

As for craigslist, I can't expect someone to want to be my roommate when I can't support myself. I don't have a penny saved in the bank. I need to get a job and start saving, but as we all know the job market is hard to come by these days.

[Lunar Snow]

Hi, stacyrose. It looks like you are in quite the predicament. I'm sort of both sides of the coin right now where I love my SO so much that my heart wants to wait for him until pigs can fly, but my head is also saying that being closer together just keeps getting put off and that is becoming a major source of anxiety in my life; so I understand a bit of what you both must be feeling.

I think it is very brave of you to be trying so hard to make the move closer to your love! That's really admirable. That said, the job market is tough right now and it would be an enormous strain on any relationship to transition to having shared financial worries, etc. That's unfortunate about his roommates pulling out, but I can see that staying home right now is a really good way to save money. It is pretty sucky that your aunt would want to charge you rent like that right way, although (and I know this is Canadian funds, but it is still comparable to the wages students and young people are likely to receive) I think I would be lucky to find anything as low as $500 per month, where the average is $700! It is really wise to get things gathered together at home and save up some money before you go--it seems like a wrench in the works now, but is much better than finding yourself in a new place without something to fall back on. The difficulty is that he is worrying about sustaining the relationship for longer. I think what should bring him peace and a passion to stick things out is that you do intend to move as soon as you can and that you are working toward that goal. It is a positive and practical thing to make sure that your move there is as smooth as possible and will cut down on issues that might arise later on when you are in Oregon (again, money issues are huge romance killers).

This is mostly for after you move and have some money saved up (and you may know lots of this stuff already, but thought I would pass it on, just in case)...as for the no car situation, might I say that the bus, bicycling, and rapid transit aren't as bad as they seem and cost a lot less than purchasing a car, filling it with gas, and paying for insurance? (...and us West Coasters like to feel that we are trendy and environmentally friendly). I'm not sure what the public transportation system is like there, but if it is decent, you will still be able to get around and for a lot less. For food, I know this sounds nerdy, but finding coupons (newspapers or the store's website) and going on a sale day when you shop help to reduce costs (e.g. sometimes sale days are on Tuesdays, where there are less customers than the store's average). For housing, a good place to find room-mates (the room-mate situation can kind of suck sometimes, but it is also a way to make new friends and gain a new experience...oh, and it usually makes rent somewhat less expensive) who want to share a place is to check out the local campus bulletin boards (there is usually a nice description of the place and the personality of the room-mates). Oh! Also, if you are ever visiting in the summer months (even for an extended period of time), many campuses offer dormitory rooms for a lot less than a hotel (and campuses are often appealingly close to fun activities or near major hubs for buses).

[Lunar Snow]

I'm back, after a think! I wonder if it would still be possible to stay with your aunt (because $200 rent is a lot better than what you will find pretty much anywhere), but at a later date, like October or November. I know that you say that she doesn't go for negotiations, but I wonder if she would look over and sign a contract-type thing. Often, very practical people (which she sounds like) do well when they see some prepared research and lists (that's why I take a brief list of what I want to talk about with the doctor any time I go to a clinic). I know it sounds mega boring, but you could do some research on food prices, transport prices, etc. in Oregon and then make a budget for things like monthly grocery, transport, washing, internet, etc. expenses. You could even get David to help you out with the research on things. This way, you will know what you need to save for your move and give you a concrete goal to work towards. Once you have the budget worked out, you could draw up a contract with your aunt, while showing the budget (to better help her know your situation). For instance, you could do the first three months living with her on a sliding scale, while you are trying to find a job and she may possibly be more sympathetic to your plight if you have drawn up a budget that she can see (but do have some money saved up), so, for November, you could pay her $55 rent by a specific day, plus do some (be specific) weekly chores; in December, you could pay $75 rent, etc. (the scale could slide the other way, if you anticipate still looking for a job and being able to pay less rent as the time goes on), until you reach the $200 she had originally set out, once you find a job (the three month example would give her a sort of deadline in which you would be looking). Since she is being quite a business person about this, I don't see that it would necessarily harm family relations if you both signed a contract that would work for both and could save any hard feelings later or prevent changes of heart. For work, it doesn't seem super awesome, but if you look for a job that would be transferable by location (e.g. working for a big chain like Starbucks) and/ or skills (e.g. being a barista or a server are jobs you can find pretty much anywhere), then it would increase your chances of finding something similar quickly when you move.

[paulawriteslove]

Just breath and relax. Everything will definitely fall into place eventually! At the moment your SO may be feeling the pressure of the relationship and not the fun of it. I think you should take a break from thinking about moving and all the complications that go with that and just have fun! Have fun talking to him and making him smile You can always try to find a job and save up to move in with your aunt or your SO may find a better job and you'll be able to move up there then. Best of luck!

[Karringtyn]

I can feel your pain. I can imagine how disappointed you both are right now. I too had a date set in October which isn't happening. So I do understand. But instead of sinking into despair....focus on your love....and just keep being hopeful. I Know it's easier said than done. But...true love will work through it all.

[stacyrose]

I'm back, after a think! I wonder if it would still be possible to stay with your aunt (because $200 rent is a lot better than what you will find pretty much anywhere), but at a later date, like October or November. I know that you say that she doesn't go for negotiations, but I wonder if she would look over and sign a contract-type thing. Often, very practical people (which she sounds like) do well when they see some prepared research and lists (that's why I take a brief list of what I want to talk about with the doctor any time I go to a clinic). I know it sounds mega boring, but you could do some research on food prices, transport prices, etc. in Oregon and then make a budget for things like monthly grocery, transport, washing, internet, etc. expenses. You could even get David to help you out with the research on things. This way, you will know what you need to save for your move and give you a concrete goal to work towards. Once you have the budget worked out, you could draw up a contract with your aunt, while showing the budget (to better help her know your situation). For instance, you could do the first three months living with her on a sliding scale, while you are trying to find a job and she may possibly be more sympathetic to your plight if you have drawn up a budget that she can see (but do have some money saved up), so, for November, you could pay her $55 rent by a specific day, plus do some (be specific) weekly chores; in December, you could pay $75 rent, etc. (the scale could slide the other way, if you anticipate still looking for a job and being able to pay less rent as the time goes on), until you reach the $200 she had originally set out, once you find a job (the three month example would give her a sort of deadline in which you would be looking). Since she is being quite a business person about this, I don't see that it would necessarily harm family relations if you both signed a contract that would work for both and could save any hard feelings later or prevent changes of heart. For work, it doesn't seem super awesome, but if you look for a job that would be transferable by location (e.g. working for a big chain like Starbucks) and/ or skills (e.g. being a barista or a server are jobs you can find pretty much anywhere), then it would increase your chances of finding something similar quickly when you move.

Thats really smart, and it's a possibility I might think of. As far as being practical I wouldnt say she is practical....just difficult is the word. If I'm being honest with myself I don't honestly want to live with her, I mostly just made that choice because it was the only option I had at the time, and I was more concerned about being closer to my love, than caring if I lived somewhere I actually enjoyed living.

Maybe this spot of time will be good for us...and waiting and planning out more carefully with ourselves as opposed to relying on other people, we'll probably be better off, but its just a matter of how long it will take, and I have no answers to that right now...but I will invest in this and do my best to work for what I want; a life with him. And if my heart is broken if he can't wait in the process, at least I'll have learned a lot of lessons from this relationship. I wouldn't take it back for the world.

[Karringtyn]

And if my heart is broken if he can't wait in the process, at least I'll have learned a lot of lessons from this relationship. I wouldn't take it back for the world.

Very sweet. I wish you the best.