Help? Trust issues and growing.

[ProjektPooh]

I don't usually post on here, but I don't really know what to do with what I'm feeling.

So my SO and I have been together since May of 2013, but known each other for at least 7 years before that. We tried to be together off and on, but we were so young our own lives kept changing. It wasn't until last year we decided to go all in and try to have a real relationship. We even made plans to get together this Summer. He's 21, and in college. I'm 22, and don't attend school.

Out of no where today, he texted me and said he wanted to break up. I told him to call me because I didn't understand what was going on, we had been doing really well. He told me when he was home (he just came back to school, after spending two weeks at home for the holidays), an ex-girlfriend of his from high school had called him, and he wanted to pursue her. I was devastated. I didn't understand how literally 10 minutes ago he was telling me he loved me, and now he's telling me he wants to invest in someone else? It didn't make sense. I cried, and told him everything he'd be giving up, and how if he was really leaving, I wasn't going to wait around for him to come back. We talked it out for a couple of hours, and it ended with him choosing to stay with me. He said that he knew he was being stupid, but that the thought of being with someone else was appealing because he was losing interest in me.

I told him he can't expect sunshine and rainbows EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. We do plenty of things together, like play games on Steam and do games over webcam. I told him that it was okay for him to feel attraction towards other woman, so long as he wasn't flirting or trying to pursue them. After we kept talking, he told me his ex had called him that day, they talked for an hour or so, and she texted him the next day. But he didn't text her back, because he didn't want to do anything that would be crossing the line, which is why he broke up with me.

So here I am now. We talked, and I feel a little better. He told me he would work hard for my trust, and that he wasn't going to risk losing me when he never fully wanted to lose me anyway. But I feel really hollow, and my stomach is in knots. I love him so much, and have done everything to get close to him, I even showed myself to him on webcam and I'm incredibly self-conscious. I really want to see this work, but I just don't know what to do. So, if anyone has been in this situation, I could really use some great advice right now.

Thanks in advance,

Paige

[differentcountries]

You don't have a trust issue. You have an issue of him falling out of love, dumping you and your tears have him crawling back and half-heartedly declare that he is devoted to you.

He broke up, OVER TEXT. He told you he is bored with your relationship, and that his ex is interested in him (or so he hopes). You are in love with him, he clearly doesn't feel the same way these days. That could change, of course. But he is not your husband with a long history of you trusting each other and fighting through it all together. He handles his doubts very childlishly by half breaking up, half expecting you to fix whatever bugs him. When I have fallen out of love with my husband I have not even told him, because a) I don't want to hurt his feelings b) I know from experience I will fall right back in at some point not far down the line.

Of course you feel hollow and tense; he is behaving very shitty towards you with his half-way breakup, and since you are scared you don't take what he says very seriously. Relationships are hard enough without you making it your responsability to make him fall in love with you again.

[Zapookie]

Your profile states that you guys haven't met in person yet.


I can see why he may have wanted to pursue his ex. His ex to him, is a tangible person, and a history with her may be tempting for him to go back to. Do you have any concrete plans to meet in the near future? I find when it comes to online LDRs, often one or both parties don't commit until they can confirm the connection is real in person. I think you need to talk to him about his feelings on this topic.

[p_b82]

While really shitty sending you a text telling you it was over, he at least had the decency to try to make sure that the lines were not being blurred and that he has been honest with you. I think that respect you can trust him.

However, what he has said in essence is that the LDR side of things for him is difficult, and he is craving human contact. We've all been there!

What would worry me more here, is that he so quickly told you he was leaving you, and came right back - almost as if it was testing the waters or something..... If you had not fought so hard for the two of you, he would have just gone and ended it and tried to get in his ex's pants as fast as he could.

I think the two of you need to work out between you, why he was even prepared to do it, and properly talk it out - it might have just been a 'jitter' and it is nothing to worry about and the two of you are stronger for it.......

[Honour]

I'm seeing a familiar thing here...

My ex did something of a similar nature to me. We'd been together 3 years, was working up to seeing him in the fourth year, then he upped and decided that was it, my health was poor enough that I was never going to get there, when I clearly can get there. He did this to me several times. Final time, he pursued some woman from the Philippines and the only reason he hasn't broken up with her is because every year she can make it to the states where he lives. My ex had seen me too, seen me in full. I'd given him everything I could, and more, and it still wasn't good enough.

Anyway, to the matter at hand: Yes, he's been honest. Yes, he's trying to win back your affections. But he dumped you by text, only to rush straight back to you when he realised he was close to losing out? When he knew he'd been caught out? I'm really sorry, but this guy is playing you for a fool. If not that, then he's a fool for thinking that you can be won over in a short space of time when he's done messed up. Anyone can say, "I'm going to win back your trust, I'm sorry I messed up, it won't happen again." But STICKING to those promises, and keeping them, is another thing entirely. KEEPING your word, and LIVING UP to those words, is matching those written or spoken words with the correct actions. I think you need to be extremely careful how you proceed here, because he might just be about to make a mistake again. On the other hand, he could be true to his word and keep his promises to you. Only time will tell really, and you do need to ask yourself, then talk with him, seriously, is this what you both want? Because if he's fickle, can't keep his word, can't commit, then there's your answer.

But please keep in mind, he was able to cast you aside so easily. Have a really good think about everything, though, and good luck.