He has never been in love

[Gingerlyme]

Hey guys

Happy new year! I hope many of you got to spend new years and the holidays with your SO and if you didn't, at least got to celebrate it over skype/face time

So, a couple months back i posted a thread on "how long does it take to be in love" with the basis on that i have been with my S/O for over a year now and i am his first real relationship. The previous relationships were never serious (not one of his friends or family have met them, nothing lasted over 6months). the longest relationship before me was when he was 15 and it lasted 6 months and never got intimate. Oh before you guys think that he cycles through gf, he doesn't, he has only been in 4 other relationship before me and all when he was 18-20. I am his only relationship after 20, he is 25 this year.

So, here is whats going on
We have been together for over a year and still no "I Love you". about 6 months ago, he told me he never loved anyone except this old crush (5year crush, still friends today, they never dated it was a one sided thing) which is weird because love to me is a 2 way street. I can't imagine being in love with someone romantically who doesn't even see me in a romantic way. I am the only girl that has met his family (immediate and extended) and his closest friends. he told me i should feel special since i have been the only one and that if we broke up, his family would be so mad at him. BUT he also told me he "doesn't love me" about 6months ago. (i know.. it sucks).

BUT
Over the holidays i approached him on the topic again stating that i feel like it is really odd to say you loved your crush romantically when she ever only saw you as a friend. He then told me that "he never loved her, he didn't know what love was and he thought he did love her but now he knows that it wasn't love" that spoke to me as "I don't know what love or being in love means"

I never told him i loved him either. AFTER we broke up for a month in June I told him I loved him then but that i dont feel the same way anymore. I did tell him in October that i'm still trying to get back to that place. but the thing is I now know that i love him and have loved him the same way from the beginning.

He told me before that he will NEVER say I LOVE YOU before i do.
(he is very emotionally guarded only because he never has anyone to really open up to. his friends and family all tell me that he doesn't have feelings/emotions and is very selfish with his emotions)

So...
What should i do?

I don't know if i should tell him and risk being told "i don't love you" again because IT IS so soul crushing.
I feel like now, he some what loves me but he doesn't want to speak up unless i do. i know this because he has never been so emotionally invested before and because he is so selfish with his emotions, seeing what he does for me today is very reassuring.


Personally, i don't need to be told i love you but it is nice to be told that you are loved by the person you hold dearest to you.
I have hinted at him twice over the last 2 months on the "LOVE" part and his answers are 100% geared to "Its hard because we haven't spend that much time together yet" (he counts "together" as actual physical time spent together). Is that weird that the time spent apart is not really counted to him as time spend together...We had 9 trips over the course of a year. I spent xmas with his entire extended family.

I hope no one else is going through the same thing because it's not the most enjoyable thing in the world not knowing if your s/o loves you or not.
What should i do? AND how do you deal with someone who has never been in love and doesn't know what love is?

[Gingerlyme]

I'm sorry I know it's a bit of a read. I intended for it to be shorter but details details details and inb4, its an essay.

[whatruckus]

Hm, I don't know. It almost seems as though he's a narcissist, or something along those lines if his family and friends say he's so cold and emotionless. Or, maybe even somewhat on the autistic spectrum.
Personally, if after a year someone wasn't sure if they loved me, or was in love with me, I'd question the relationship and probably leave. There would be no point for me to stay if this was my situation. I can't tell you what to do, but ask yourself if this is something you can deal with on a long-term basis, longer than what you've gone through. He doesn't seem like he ever will admit that he loves you, or say it, and just overall seems completely oblivious.

[randomnerd]

That's a long time but everyone is different. I could not handle it. I don't like feeling like I'm all alone in my feelings. Part of a relationship is being able to communicate. You've spent this much time with him, he should be able to at least talk about it.

But as far as "what to do?". If you love him, it may be worth the risk of putting yourself out there for. If he does not love you, at least you will know and be able to decide what to do next.

[Petals]

He sounds emotionally unavailable and very guarded which creates barriers between you. It is difficult for the relationship to develop on a deeper level if he's closed off to that.

On the other hand, you should say I LOVE YOU because you feel that way and not on the condition that he says it back. He's been honest with you so it's up to you to know if you can deal with this longterm or not.

I wonder how passionate your relationship is though? Is there a strong intensity between you two when you are together?

[ronjaandbirk]

to me this sounds a bit competetive... as if you both are expecting the other to say "I love you" first, and not wanting to cave in yourself so you won't get hurt. I think if you feel you love him you should tell him. yes it makes you vulnerable, but if one of you isnt starting to admit to feelings it will never progress.

I would also ask how your relationship is otherwise. Is he kind to you and shows his devotion to you in other ways? Being guarded emotionally and having difficulties to expres them is just something some people struggle with.

[differentcountries]

I have been emotionally guarded, I sometimes still am. But I always wanted to be able to say it, and if I feel safe I will.

Your SO having not been in love before doesn't really mean anything, other than that he is inexperienced. My SO was never in love before me either. He sometimes struggles with it too, because there is nothing he can compare his experiences to, but at some point it is starting to sink in.

Perhaps you both prefer the other to take a lead, say the words, create comfort etc. It can be dangerous when noone wants to let themselves be vounerale first.

[Dwessie]

Sounds a lot like my ex who ended up being diagnosed as a sociopath and a danger to other people.
Not saying he is but the whole thing is weirding me out a lot.

I get being emotionally guarded though too! Wow, Tam had to deal with so much of my crap...I just don't know exactly how to apply it all to a situation where you've already done so much and he doesn't know if he loves you. You've had NINE VISITS, that's a lot. You've met his whole family too. The way he words it though with "If I were to ever break up with you my family would be furious" sounds so detached. Like, it's worded like now he's stuck with you whether he likes it or not, which doesn't seem like a good thing...

[Gingerlyme]

Thank you for the replies! its super depressing that im going through this. i dont need validation of the words "I Love you" but it will be nice. but his actions does gear towards love though.

I do agree that he is very guarded emotionally but because he doesn't know otherwise. he is very shy and emotionally inexperienced not only in romantic relationships but with all of his relationships (family, friends). he has always been taking care of himself and so with me now in his life, he is learning how to adjust being with someone else.

Everytime i visit, we always make a point to visit his parents and his grandparents. when we disagree and i speak of things that i feel that needs to be dealt with/change, he tries and change it.

He sounds emotionally unavailable and very guarded which creates barriers between you. It is difficult for the relationship to develop on a deeper level if he's closed off to that.

On the other hand, you should say I LOVE YOU because you feel that way and not on the condition that he says it back. He's been honest with you so it's up to you to know if you can deal with this longterm or not.

I wonder how passionate your relationship is though? Is there a strong intensity between you two when you are together?

I want to say there is a strong intensity, but we are just at the very comfortable stage with each other. we still get intimate every night we are together but its not those i want to rip off your clothes intensity. We are at that "fart in front of each other" stage. but there is passion, just not the in your face passion.

to me this sounds a bit competetive... as if you both are expecting the other to say "I love you" first, and not wanting to cave in yourself so you won't get hurt. I think if you feel you love him you should tell him. yes it makes you vulnerable, but if one of you isnt starting to admit to feelings it will never progress.

I would also ask how your relationship is otherwise. Is he kind to you and shows his devotion to you in other ways? Being guarded emotionally and having difficulties to expres them is just something some people struggle with.

The relationship other than the no "i love you" is good. We are both happy in the relationship. He is not romantic but if i ask for something, he will do it. He made a scrapbook for our anniversary even though he can't stand doing things like that. he definitely does things for me because he cares.

[Gingerlyme]

Sounds a lot like my ex who ended up being diagnosed as a sociopath and a danger to other people.
Not saying he is but the whole thing is weirding me out a lot.

I get being emotionally guarded though too! Wow, Tam had to deal with so much of my crap...I just don't know exactly how to apply it all to a situation where you've already done so much and he doesn't know if he loves you. You've had NINE VISITS, that's a lot. You've met his whole family too. The way he words it though with "If I were to ever break up with you my family would be furious" sounds so detached. Like, it's worded like now he's stuck with you whether he likes it or not, which doesn't seem like a good thing...

I highly doubt my s/o is a sociopath BUT he is very shy and inexperienced emotionally. It is a lot of visits and i'm really close with his family that i hang out with his mom just her and me. I don't think he meant it as he is detached, i asked him how would his family react if we broke up and he said that. Breaking up is the last thing on his mind yet "I love you" is also not on his mind. boys... can't figure them out.

[Gingerlyme]

Hm, I don't know. It almost seems as though he's a narcissist, or something along those lines if his family and friends say he's so cold and emotionless. Or, maybe even somewhat on the autistic spectrum.
Personally, if after a year someone wasn't sure if they loved me, or was in love with me, I'd question the relationship and probably leave. There would be no point for me to stay if this was my situation. I can't tell you what to do, but ask yourself if this is something you can deal with on a long-term basis, longer than what you've gone through. He doesn't seem like he ever will admit that he loves you, or say it, and just overall seems completely oblivious.

I sooo agree with you that he definitely has some narcissistic tendency, he puts himself first at every turn and he can be very selfish with his emotions. But i actually don't blame him and i can't blame him because thats all he knows growing up. He has always taken care of himself financially and he was never emotionally open to anyone including family, friends and ex-es.
the bright side, his family and friends have spoken to me that since dating me, he has opened up a lot more than he ever did and that im the one making that change in him. i am happy about that for sure but sometimes it is not enough for me as a girlfriend

[differentcountries]

It all boils down to if you feel taken care of or not.

[Dwessie]

I highly doubt my s/o is a sociopath BUT he is very shy and inexperienced emotionally. It is a lot of visits and i'm really close with his family that i hang out with his mom just her and me. I don't think he meant it as he is detached, i asked him how would his family react if we broke up and he said that. Breaking up is the last thing on his mind yet "I love you" is also not on his mind. boys... can't figure them out.

OH! Okay, I understand now! Maybe if you tell him you love him the thought of that will grow on him more?

[Gingerlyme]

OH! Okay, I understand now! Maybe if you tell him you love him the thought of that will grow on him more?

I am seriously contemplating that. probably the next time i see him.
I guess he also needs that reassurance that i love him first