Coping?

[Honour]

So... the worst I had hoped wouldn't happen has happened...

As some of you may know from recent forum postings, I have been attempting to care for and help my ex and also very close friend through an extremely difficult time in his life. He lived in Muskegon, MI. He was diagnosed with terminal lymphatic cancer in May, and was given 6 months to live. Down the line 6 months and he was still here, alive and kicking, albeit weaker and more ill. He disguised the majority of the pain and heartache he was going through, as did I from him, though we both knew full well how it was affecting each other. My own health has suffered during this time. He was initiated on an experimental laser surgery program, one which would hopefully both save and prolong his life. He wasn't sure at first, but as time passed, he seemed to get better and happier, more hopeful. So did I, in turn, though a part of me always knew the cancer would be a shadow cast over him. The laser surgery was non-invasive, and for the most part a success. However, they later found a lemon-sized lump in his leg which was cancerous, and they also found a huge blood clot in the same area. We were devastated. He still kept going for chemotherapy, but it was to no avail. They couldn't get rid of it. I'd done all I could to help him, be there for him as a friend.

Now, I haven't heard from him in well over a month. I tried all I could to get in touch with him. Nothing worked. His phone was not responding because it's no longer active, his Facebook was deactivated a long time ago, and his relatives knew little if anything about me. The only means we had of contact was Skype.

I received confirmation from someone who knew him yesterday that he has died. Apparently my ex had given his friend access to his Skype so he could tell me, before the worst happened.

....I can't even be there for his funeral. I can't be there to say goodbye. I won't even know where he's buried....

...How can someone cope?

[differentcountries]

That is so sad. I feel for you.

Perhaps the person who gave you the info can tell you a bit more or help you to connect with someone who knows. Maybe there is a memorial site online?

Let yourself be sad and upset. Know at least he did not ignore you. Take care of your grieving heart. Hugs.

[p_b82]

It is never easy when friends or loved ones pass, and many of the same things about an LDR are relevant to getting over grief too.

in the past 2 years I've seen the end of my first serious relationship, a cancer scare in my dad, death of my last two living grandparents, 2 different cancers removed from my dad, and a 3rd one that we know will kill him eventually, as well as a host of other issues surrounding all the above and complications now with the LDR as a result.

I've not said it to score points, but to say that we all cope, and get through all the adversity in life. Don't give in and remember your friend with the fond memories he gave you, as he would not want you to remain sad for too long I am sure.

I am sure that the person that let you know about his death would be able to provide you with the details of where he is buried if you want to get that closure.

Personally for me, it is nice, but not needed, as none of my friends or relations who have died have been buried, and all have had had their ashes scattered rather than a plate put up anywhere.

Hang in there *hugs*

[TwoThree]

I'm so sorry for your loss

[leonsfangirl]

Im so sorry for your loss. Like suggested above im sure the person who contacted you will give you some more information. There is no right or wrong way to mourn someone. Maybe you could mark it in your own way? Write him a letter or plant a tree in his name.
Sending positive thoughts your way.

[rhabdoviridae]

I am so sorry. What a devastating thing

You might consider searching his obituary online; that will likely tell you where a service will be held, and often includes burial information. You can also search burial sites online. I'm sure the friend of his would be willing to give you more information if you wanted it - to send flowers or even attend a memorial service if you wanted to.

I also like the idea of doing something yourself. There are many places you could send a donation, even anonymously if you so desire: cancer associations, a particular activity or thing that he liked (such as an animal shelter if he liked animals, a boys and girls club if he liked kids), etc. You could send flowers to the family anonymously; you could plant a tree or have a brick with his name on it at some particular location.

I hope you find something that helps you feel as though you're starting on the road to coping. I lost an extremely close friend/romantic interest from the past a few years ago and I still am so saddened at having lost him. But you will find that time does help you cope, if not heal, and I wish you strength to move forward -hug-

[Unicorn26]

I'm so sorry, this is so hard...

Please take comfort in the fact that he got his friend to contact you, that he thought about your position. He obviously thought a lot of you.

I feel for you so much, the distance really sucks at times like this. You must be torn apart :'(

Although it won't feel that way now, but time will help you deal with this. Look after yourself, if you get really down dpnt hesitate to see your GP as you can be affected in ways you didn't think possible. When my SO got sick last year, I was so worried my hair started to fall out. The grief is real, allow yourself to be sad but if starts to consume you, seek help.

Love and hugs xxxxxx

[Ejoriah]

I'm sorry about your loss. I never lost someone my own age, but two years ago I unexpectedly lost my aunt. Because I live 10000 miles away, I couldn't go to the funeral either, and never got to say goodbye. I still haven't been to her grave.

Let yourself grieve. Cry, scream, punch your pillow, don't face the world for a while if you don't want to. It doesn't get better, per say, just over time the pain fades away a little.

Again, I am so sorry.

[Miasmata]

My sincere condolences. There is nothing I feel I can say to make this easier for you. I legitimately think you helped make his life better and had a strong impact on him. You can be proud of yourself and him for the bond you shared. All the best, I hope you can take good care of yourself.

[R&R]

I'm so sorry. Losing someone you love is never easy even when you knew it was coming. I lost my best friend to a car accident when I was 17 and she was 19. It was very difficult at first. You have to allow yourself to grieve. The loss itself never goes away but it does get easier. It will take time.....and I don't mean a week or a month. The first few years things would come up that would remind me of her and I would cry. But then it got to where I could think of her and instead of grief, it was with fond memories.

Always know that while he was here, he knew he had someone who loved him and was a true friend. Sometimes in life people don't ever seem to find that but he did - he found that in you. You made his world a better place to be during all he went through.

There have been many great suggestions for things you can do. Around where I live, people do a lot with balloons. They will write a letter and attach it to a group of balloons and let them go. Just a thought of something you can do for yourself to maybe write a good-bye letter and send it off that way to him.

[Elizabeth123]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Feel your grief and remember all of the times you had together. You were there for him when he needed you.
Now you take good care of yourself. If you can share some memories with a close friend or family member.
This website is free and I found comfort during my grief....
https://gratefulness.org

[Dwessie]

Im so sorry for your loss. Like suggested above im sure the person who contacted you will give you some more information. There is no right or wrong way to mourn someone. Maybe you could mark it in your own way? Write him a letter or plant a tree in his name.
Sending positive thoughts your way.

I like this post! When my uncle died they buried him here. but he had a lot of family in Chicago, and up there they planted a tree in a nice big park and dedicated it to him, it had a little plaque and everything. It probably helped them a lot.

I am very sorry for your loss and I hope you take some time to cope, even if you don't think you can/should. You need some personal time.

[Tamrezi]

This made me cry. If I lost my partner I would legitimately spiral into a mental low. I've been in some extreme depression, and music always helped me feel better. But only time can heal, I wish the best, and this community is always here for you! c:

[Honour]

Thank you for all the responses. I feel like... well. I don't even know. Numb, probably the best word to use. Mixed up. I've cried but most of the time the tears refuse to fall. I don't think my mind has quite realised yet what has happened. Probably never will.

I decided, after much deliberation, that probably the best thing I could do, if only for a small start, was blast some music in his honour. One of his favourite songs was Kashmir by Led Zeppelin. I was an online DJ in a game similar to Second Life, where we met once I started my ingame career, and he always used to request it from me. In the end, I used it for most of my show entries. I asked him why he requested it so much; "Because the other DJs won't play it for me! They say it's too long!" was his response. So I blasted out Kashmir last night, and sang along. It was odd; I felt like I was singing the song of my life.

My SO Kurdt hasn't left my side practically since he found out. He knew me and my ex were close, and was aware of the situation. And I realised last night that in my times of need, my SO has been the one I was to my ex. The one who never let him down, always had his back. The one who refused to give up. I know my ex would want me to remember him in times of joy, so when I found a few screenshots of us on Skype laughing together, that was enough in my mind to always remember him in such a manner.

I don't know if I'll do anything more in his memory. Might just keep it as simple and straightforward as Kashmir - Led Zeppelin.

[Miasmata]

As the others have said, there is no one true way to mourn. If this works for you, then it works, that's all it needs. Keep taking good care of yourself and confiding in the people you can trust.