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**snow** · January 9, 2015, 01:15 PM

This happened to me throughout the 3 years I have been with my ex. I would be in his position and he'd be in yours. I didn't want to spend all my time on my computer to talk to him, I rather spent my time with my family and friends. He mentioned it a couple times and I tried, but I just didn't want to sacrifice my life for him.

**differentcountries** · January 9, 2015, 01:19 PM

Most LD relationships are like this.

We usually have that he is quite cold after a visit while I want to talk. But we know we are different in this way, and refer to his ways of coping (and mine, too) as post -visit blues. We have experienced this lots of times and gotten used to it.

After a week, we are usually back to texting and Viber every day, short random phone calls and Skype sessions several times a week. We force ourselves to stay in contact even when we miss each other or is upset over something. It is important for me to be there when the neigbourhood kittens died, when the bosses upset him and when he started to freeze. But also when he was happy the embassy interview went well, hearing about his fun fotball matches and how his best friend is coping as a dad.And similar with my joys and sorrows. That way, even LD we can follow each other in ways that are not so different from CD.

**Cristiana** · January 9, 2015, 01:21 PM

I wouldnt ask to talk all day, I believe that in a relationship both has to keep living their lives. I'd just want him to reply to me and not to ignore everything I text him.

Sometimes Im afraid that he'll realize he doesnt need a LDR with me anymore, tho.

**differentcountries** · January 9, 2015, 01:35 PM

Perhaps you could back off texting and see if he contacts you first.

**Dziubka** · January 9, 2015, 01:55 PM

To be honest, I would not accept that behaviour.

In a long distance relationship, you're apart most of the time (usually anyway) and that is your "normal" relationship. The visits are more similar to going on a vacation together or having holidays while you're close distance.
And if you're in a relationship, you need to make time for your partner. You should want to make time for your partner. I realise that how much time you need/want alone vs. with your partner varies, but that's something you need to discuss and agree on together.

If he can get up whenever he wants (so he obviously can decide on his workhours more or less freely) but not make 30min a day to talk with you, that would not be ok with me.

On the other hand: spending your time waiting for him to come online when he could obviously not care less, doesn't seem like a very smart choice either. Don't just wait around for him to come online or pay you attention.

**Dwessie** · January 10, 2015, 03:16 AM

Originally posted by Dziubka View Post

To be honest, I would not accept that behaviour.

In a long distance relationship, you're apart most of the time (usually anyway) and that is your "normal" relationship. The visits are more similar to going on a vacation together or having holidays while you're close distance.
And if you're in a relationship, you need to make time for your partner. You should want to make time for your partner. I realise that how much time you need/want alone vs. with your partner varies, but that's something you need to discuss and agree on together.

If he can get up whenever he wants (so he obviously can decide on his workhours more or less freely) but not make 30min a day to talk with you, that would not be ok with me.

On the other hand: spending your time waiting for him to come online when he could obviously not care less, doesn't seem like a very smart choice either. Don't just wait around for him to come online or pay you attention.

Before someone replies "Tell this to him not to us", I did. More than once. Things didnt change tho.

It sounds like he won't make time for you. I had two exes who never talked to me, and only cared about me when I was at school with one or in the same state as the other. My cousin even just broke up with her boyfriend and they were super cute for a while, but he wouldn't make any time for her, and there comes a point where it's not even a relationship.
I am definitely not saying yours is 100% there yet, but if he won't make any time for you, that's a bad sign and it seems like he just values you for fun and physical companionship when you visit, but not the actual relationship with you.

I'd think it wasn't too bad, except you have brought this up again and again and he won't make time for you. He doesn't think you're important and that's not very OK.

**Honour** · January 10, 2015, 07:58 AM

Originally posted by Cristiana View Post

I'd just want him to reply to me and not to ignore everything I text him.

was my honest reaction to this point.

Communication is key, yet he can't be bothered to respond to you yet he can talk to friends?

**p_b82** · January 10, 2015, 08:14 AM

I don't want to come across as judgemental, but you keep raising a number of threads about similar sorts of issues here. The pattern is repeating and in summary I get the the feeling the following statement is true:

"The two of you have very different outlooks and approaches to life and communication, and you do not seem to be all that compatible"

There is a healthy balance between not wanting to sit on the laptop/phone/tablet all the time, and responding, but to go days without even a "Hi,Night night/love you" for me would be an eventual deal breaker. My GF spends less time online than I do, and I have stopped with the random notes/messages until she is available, it makes me feel like I am being ignored too, and she doesn't get bombarded with 'crap' that she doesn't care about, or is too busy to do anything about when I tell her.

But we had a proper conversation about it, we have found a balance that works for us, like all good negotiation neither of us are completely satisfied, but neither are we completely upset either - that is a compromise

Sure every visit has post visit blues, where it is difficult to be as happy as you were looking forward to the trip, or during it; but this seems to go a bit beyond that as it is repeat behaviour, and you have told him how it makes you feel, and yet he still does it.

I am not telling you to break up with him, but more that I think you should consider carefully what makes this relationship work for you, and why isn't it, and whether the seemingly constant disappointment you are feeling is worth it for the good times.... only you know the answers to that.

**Unicorn26** · January 10, 2015, 09:57 AM

What he said.

**Cristiana** · January 10, 2015, 11:26 AM

Originally posted by p_b82 View Post

I don't want to come across as judgemental, but you keep raising a number of threads about similar sorts of issues here. The pattern is repeating and in summary I get the the feeling the following statement is true:

"The two of you have very different outlooks and approaches to life and communication, and you do not seem to be all that compatible"

I am not telling you to break up with him, but more that I think you should consider carefully what makes this relationship work for you, and why isn't it, and whether the seemingly constant disappointment you are feeling is worth it for the good times.... only you know the answers to that.

The fact is we have some issues in our relationship, I know, it isnt the easiest and quietest one but I do know why we're together and why I dont want to let go. And that his feelings are the same as mine.
And with this Im not saying that feelings are enough to endure all the bad stuff, but that are enough to find the way to solve problems, few or lots of.
In the moment when - if - one of us wont feel the same for the other one, or we cant be together because of something bigger than us, then it'll be the time to reconsider our relationship. These are "only" a bunch of problems that we're going through but that we can manage.

Call me hopeless romantic but I truly believe that love will always be able to fix everything, with few exceptions.

Anyway I talked about this topic again to him, that we cant talk in the night because Im sleepy and that he should find some time during the day because I dont like to go to seep without hearing from him. He called me yesterday and told me he found tickets for me to go there in 3 weeks. This sounded like a shy and proud "I miss you" and was enough to make me feel better over everything.

**conejita_hada** · January 10, 2015, 12:09 PM

It's nice that he found tickets for you to visit.

The upcoming visit though doesn't fix the communication problem. It sounds like his resolution to the problem was brushing over it with something he knows will make you both happy. The issue will come up again. Hopefully on your visit in 3 weeks you can talk face-to-face about the communication issue so it doesn't happen after the visit. Talking in person is a huge help for issues when my SO and I don't see eye-to-eye.

Also, p_b82's post might be a bit relevant. Love is a powerful thing but it is the commitment and willingness of each person in the relationship to compromise to aid the love in a lasting relationship.

**Cristiana** · January 10, 2015, 12:24 PM

Originally posted by conejita_hada View Post

Love is a powerful thing but it is the commitment and willingness of each person in the relationship to compromise to aid the love in a lasting relationship.

You're right here. There are many factors that may change the feelings.
I wont miss the chance to talk about our issues when I'll be there anyway. At least communication isnt this bad when we're face to face - it's distance that always complicates things and creates misunderstandings

Im starting to think we're not good at the distance thing itself, lol. Im always sad or upset and he's careless. Then we're together and everything's fine. We should talk about this more than anything else I guess.

**p_b82** · January 10, 2015, 12:38 PM

There is talking about stuff, and *talking* about stuff....

I mean that you could go round in circles about him not communicating as often as you like, and not hearing from him at all during the day, and the same behaviour happens each time.

If you are able to accept that this is the way it is when you are apart, and the CD aspect is worth it, then great...... but it sounds to me actually like you can't; hence the threads.

Great that you get to see each other again so soon, and maybe your solution is to make sure you see each other frequently, or look to close the distance sooner rather than later....

**Cristiana** · January 10, 2015, 12:54 PM

Originally posted by p_b82 View Post

There is talking about stuff, and *talking* about stuff....

I mean that you could go round in circles about him not communicating as often as you like, and not hearing from him at all during the day, and the same behaviour happens each time.

If you are able to accept that this is the way it is when you are apart, and the CD aspect is worth it, then great...... but it sounds to me actually like you can't; hence the threads.

Great that you get to see each other again so soon, and maybe your solution is to make sure you see each other frequently, or look to close the distance sooner rather than later....

It is absolutely worth it.
We would look to close the distance ASAP if only it would be possible, since I will finish high school only in the summer of 2016. Well, a year already passed and it'll be another one and few months, so if I want to look at this with a positive mind I'd say it will pass quickly.

I repeat, I know we have some issues (of which I dont think I talk about that much) but, even if lately it's been tough and even if people started (or always did) telling me things wont work between me and him, I wont give up.

And anyway, I talk only about our issues and ask for advices, because the good things I like to keep them for myself.
So from outside it may seem we only have problems, lol.

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