Am I being paranoid?

[Polly]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years, with most of that time being long distance.

I know a little about his past relationships, and that his most serious one was when he was around 20 with a girl he had known for most of his life at that time. They both grew up together. He really loved her and wanted to marry her eventually, but she wanted to marry right away. He thought that they should wait, since they were both young, being only 20, and needed more time figuring who they both were. She decided she couldn't wait and they broke up.

Anyways, I found out they still keep in touch, because he mentioned to me a while back that his ex was complaining to him that her husband (she married someone not long after breaking up with my SO those many years ago) was acting distant towards her.

I'm a little uncomfortable with the fact they still talk, especially about personal things like that. Also, she texted him Merry Christmas (I only know that because I was with my SO during Christmas, and he mentioned it to me when she texted him). He changed his number when he moved away, so clearly he had to tell her his new number.

I feel really uncomfortable that he keeps in contact with his first love, a girl he almost married, and that from what little he's told me, it seems she's not exactly in a happy marriage. I just have paranoid thoughts that she's regretting breaking up with him, and is keeping in touch with him for emotional support.

I trust my boyfriend, but being LD makes you question everything.

Should I bring this up, or let it go? I don't want to come off paranoid and jealous, because that would probably push my SO away.

Is it OK, that he still keeps in touch with his ex? I mean, they have known each other for a long time, and come from a really small town where everyone knows each other. It seems the norm for small town folks to stay in touch with everyone they grew up with.

I'm just not sure if I'm feeling nervous and insecure over nothing.

[Honour]

I know my SO got uncomfortable at times when I used to talk about my ex and spend time with him on occasion, but he was a dying man needing my support, so it was hardly surprising. He understood in time that I still cared for my ex, but it was in a different light at this point. I came clean and told him everything.

Whilst my situation was a little different to yours, I would still proceed and talk to your SO if I were you. Don't leave anything in the dark. Just let your SO know that it makes you uncomfortable, but approach the situation in a manner in which it won't surprise him too much. In other words, watch your timing, but again don't wait too long. The longer you remain in the dark on the subject, the more regret and unease it will bring you, and nothing will change. With a bit of luck, your SO might see how it's affecting you, tell you his thoughts on the subject and you two can come to an agreement on the best way forward. They always say it, so I will say it too: communication is key in a relationship, but never more important virtually than in an LDR. It may not change things much, or it might cause some drastic changes. You won't know until you say something.

[p_b82]

I don't think you have anything to be paranoid about, he is be open and honest with you and not hiding anything.

Yes she was his first love, but he is with you not her now, and is probably sat there thinking to himself "told you so" about his ex rushing into marriage..... I still online message daily with my first love, she is one of my closest friends, and I 'cut her out' when I got together with my ex as she was jealous. It was a mistake, and I told my current GF all about her and said I would not be doing the same thing again....

If it bugs you that much, then you do need to talk to him about it, but you will be in essence telling him who he can be friends with or communicate with, which at the best of times is a difficult path to go down IMO, and can open cans of worms.

[Polly]

I don't think you have anything to be paranoid about, he is be open and honest with you and not hiding anything.

Yes she was his first love, but he is with you not her now, and is probably sat there thinking to himself "told you so" about his ex rushing into marriage..... I still online message daily with my first love, she is one of my closest friends, and I 'cut her out' when I got together with my ex as she was jealous. It was a mistake, and I told my current GF all about her and said I would not be doing the same thing again....

If it bugs you that much, then you do need to talk to him about it, but you will be in essence telling him who he can be friends with or communicate with, which at the best of times is a difficult path to go down IMO, and can open cans of worms.

Hmmmmm. I am fine with him keeping in touch with her as long as she or him still don't have feelings for each other. He did express regret over the break up, as it was her choice and not his to break up. It made me feel like maybe he still has feelings for her or something, but nothing can be done about it since she's married. I know this kind of thinking is not healthy, since it is all just speculation, and he is with me, not her. He tells me he loves me, so I shouldn't be worried.

I just feel really crappy and miserable more than usual for some reason, as it didn't bother me much until now.

[differentcountries]

I keep in touch with exes, including one I did marry, because I still care about her. That doesn't mean there is anything romantic going on between us, to the contrary the more I stay in touch I realize that we were uncompatible and I am thankful me and my husband doesn't have the issues me and her did.

[Nymeria]

I do think that you can express your Feelings about it to him.
The fact that he is open about his talking to her is positive, to me it makes it like "I have nothing to hide". I think as long as he is open about it, you shouldn't be too concerned.
I still Keep in contact with my exes, I even once shared a flat with one of my ex' best friends, which meant my Ex and I were hanging out in the same Appartement around two nights a week, because in that flat, we often spent our evenings having People over for dinner and playing Videogames or whatever.

You mention in your first post that they grew up together. That might maks her a little more than "just an Ex" in my eyes.
Not "more" in the sense of a romantic relationship, but "more" as in they have been lifelong friends. They have once been romantically involved, yes, but if the break up wasn't messy, I can absolutely see that they don't want to part ways. Lifelong Frieds are there for the keeping in my opinion, and if it's possible to find a way to make it through a relationship and a breakup and still be on good Terms, you don't say goodbye to them.

I hope you can find a way to work it out, so you can feel calmer about it.

[Unicorn26]

Talk to him about it. Raise your fears. I'm absolutely sure there is nothing to worry about but you need to make him aware that this bothers you otherwise it will eat you up and your fears will just get bigger. My SO keeps in touch with nearly all his ex's, it's hard because they're all local to him n I'm almost 4000 miles away! I totally trust him though. I know there is no way he could be doing anything with any of them because he spends almost very spare minute he has texting or talking or face timing with me.

My SO and I have a mutual online friend (Sam). We both really like this guy but hes a real ladies man. I'm a bit of a tomboy and have always got on a lot better with guys than girls and Sam and I banter a lot. One time Sam said he was going it send me some candy, my SO was not at all happy and he old me he was very jealous. I reassured him that there is no way I am interested in Sam at all, that I love him and only him and I would never ever risk what we have for a bit of flirty banter with someone like him. He was cool with it after that and doesn't mind me talking to him. Out of respect for my SO I did reduce the contact with him though. I'm so glad he told me though, I would have had no idea otherwise and I felt it brought us closer.

I've said this a million times before but communication in key in any relationship but with LDR it's even more important. Don't ever keep something that's really bothering you to yourself, you need to bring it out in the open and discuss it together.

Good luck I hope you get some peace of mind.

[R&R]

I don't think you have anything to worry about. As others have said, he is being open and honest with you about it. If it's bothering you that much, you can mention it but don't ask him to give up the friendship.

I am friends with almost all of my ex's. The ex I lost my virginity to is the same person who came to my house last year and helped me put the battery in the riding lawn mower and taught me how to drive it. His wife knows who I am and she didn't mind and neither did my SO. I am extremely close with one of my ex-bf's, though we live in different states. We are nothing more than friends now but we went through a lot together over an 8 year period. He was with a woman for almost two years and she resented me so much she told him it was me or her - he chose me. You don't give your partner ultimatums over friends, male or female. You can express your concerns but your SO has to make the final decision.

Being LD shouldn't make you question things any more than if you were CD. If you have trust, communication, love and honesty - it's the same CD or LD. That's a mindset that you need to break.

[Ahava]

I can understand why you feel uncomfortable about the situation. If I was you I wouldn't like it, but them being from a small town and so on, it's understandable if they may have to be in contact from time to time. But I would prefer (if I was in the situation) that she used her female friends for emotional comfort when she needs it. A "merry christmas" text is fine to me, but that's where I would draw the line. I mean especially if like in your case, she was his first love and he regretted the break up.

I guess there are two kinds of people, those who want to stay friends with their ex's and who don't mind if their SO does. And then there are the one's like me who isn't so keen: Ex's are ex's for a reason right?