Neither of us willing to relocate

[pinkmadness]

So my boyfriend and I are on the verge of breaking up these past few days because of this issue. He wants me to go to Sweden right away after I graduate (this June) and come live with him already. But the thing is, I don't know what work I'll be able to find there, especially for a fresh graduate from another country. And I can't speak and understand his language at all.
And he has no idea what he'll do here in the Philippines if he's going to relocate either.
And then I suggested that I can go there and live with him after I gained some work experience and pursued my dream of becoming a flight attendant 2 years from now. But he won't have it. He said he can't be in a relationship like that. He wants me near. He was planning to visit me this June but after those issues have been brought up, he's now reluctant to go.
Any advice? How do we compromise?

[differentcountries]

As someone who is considering relocation too; learn the language, and start today. Babbel.com has exellent introduction courses in Swedish. I am sure there are ways for him to learn your language, too.

You can't neccesarily"go live" in another country! Most places, to stay for more than 3 months you need to have a visa that proves that you are one of the follwing:
-student
-worker (with invitation from an employer)
-fiance/married + the other person earning enogh money to support you
Your boyfriend need to suck it up and start talking about reallife options, not his fantasy life. You are making a sound decition to pursue a career, one that will make you earn money and even allow you to travel. What are his plans? Is he getting an education? What are his life plans, besides wanting you close?

Advice:
-learn each other's language
- take an education or/and get a job
- plan visits
After you learn what you want to do in life, and have both visited each others' countries and learned at least snippets from the other language, then you will know much more about what your possabilities are for closing the distance. Take it from there. Be patient.

[Hollandia]

You guys can choose to make it work apart, or one or both of you will have to move at some point. That's not to say some are not happy in permanent LDRs, but that's your choices or you can push it off for now and wait till you are older and have more choices available. It is unfair for him to push you and it would be unfair for you to push him. If he can't wait then he is being selfish and unfair to you. How long have you two been dating? How does he think you are going to get a visa to move there? Philippines not part of EU or Schengen right? Is he talking about marriage, do you love each other enough for that? Does he make enough to support you two and any possible kids?

[Moon]

You're 19, follow your dreams, not some selfish guy, who's unwilling to work with you.

I'm in a semi-permanent, international LDR, but I'm in my 40's and have no interest in marriage or kids (been there done that) and neither does he, and we already have established careers. Those are all very important, and your boyfriend doesn't sound very supportive of you, I'm sorry to say. Two years isn't asking for much and if he isn't willing to compromise so you BOTH can be happy, he's not worth it, and you deserve someone who is. Good luck.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Slow down! What's the rush? You are only 19, still in school? You have plenty of time. Use your LDR as a time to get to know each other better, while you work on your own lives. Finish your education, get a good job/career path going, and learn more about his culture, and his language. He should be doing the same for himself, and for you. You should also start saving money for travel, for visas and passports and whatever else you will need to be able to see each other occasionally. And you need to talk a lot about the future with him, and plan it together if that is what you both want. Obviously, if you want to be together physically, eventually, one of you will have to relocate, but now is not the time.

[p_b82]

I think if neither of you were planning to relocate ever, then it would be reason to put the brakes on things.

but your BF has got it wrong that you will be allowed to just move to Sweden in a few months time - no needs to wake up and take a reality check there.

I'd say follow your career, you may well then be able to wangle a way to visit him as part of your work, or him come see you in other places and see where it all goes from there. 2 years is not that long a time in the grand scheme of things.

[Unicorn26]

Oh if only were that simple!!! Just go and move to Sweden??? I think he might need to look into things a little more thoroughly. Lovely as it would be you can't just get up and move to another country. I think you need to have a long chat and look into this more thoroughly.

I'm looking at another 3 or 4 years before my SO could even think about moving here to UK, I need to ba able to prove I can support him financially and at the moment my income is too low and although I have (quite substantial) savings, it's still not enough. I can't consider doing more hours because of child care issues. And I'd have to marry him too, which is something I really didn't want to do again, but if that's what it took to get him here I would do it, so it's all a case of being patient and waiting until the time is right.

He will probably find Sweden has similar immigration laws. Concentrate on your career. If he's not willing to wait then he's not worth it.

[Ambert]

I'm really happy that your actual post was a little more positive than the thread title, lol. For a second I thought there is NO WAY you both want to relocate, but as it seems, you do want to, but not yet...

Actually, I do believe that if you really love each other, it should be possible for a little while. You guys aren't together now all the time either. I know that waiting is really hard, and having do deal with the distance a little longer is not easy, but your SO should appreciate your decision and I think if he really wants to pursue this relationship he should have the patience to wait for you. You are not saying that you don't want to, you are just saying that you need some time. Which is totally normal.

[Honour]

It sounds as if your SO needs to cool it a bit. You can't "just move out there." It takes months and months of preparation and you're only 2 years younger than me, by no means am I ready to relocate yet! It would be best to wait a bit; you both have your lives ahead of you for commitments like that.

[Alle1770]

Like everyone else always said, it seems like your SO needs to come back down to Earth for a bit. I was very, very eager to have my SO move here in the beginning of our relationship - as far as I knew, he should've moved like, yesterday! But things aren't that easy. Without a visa you can only stay here for a maximum of 90 days, unless you're one of the things differentcountries listed.

And to be entirely honest, the work situation here right now is shit. People that are born here and have a proper education have a difficult time finding a job, even more so people that aren't qualified or can't speak the language. Even entry-level jobs have like 600 applicants. Furthermore, you're still young. I'm only a year older than you, and I know that I can't relocate right now myself. I'd love to be able to, and it's what I really, really want to do, but it would be foolish without an education or any stable ground to stand on what so ever.

Maybe have a chat with your SO about these issues - is he even aware of the immigration laws? Maybe he isn't, and in that case you can enlighten him Or, show him this thread and he can get the viewpoints of a bunch of other people that have been in the same situation

[pinkmadness]

Slow down! What's the rush? You are only 19, still in school? You have plenty of time. Use your LDR as a time to get to know each other better, while you work on your own lives. Finish your education, get a good job/career path going, and learn more about his culture, and his language. He should be doing the same for himself, and for you. You should also start saving money for travel, for visas and passports and whatever else you will need to be able to see each other occasionally. And you need to talk a lot about the future with him, and plan it together if that is what you both want. Obviously, if you want to be together physically, eventually, one of you will have to relocate, but now is not the time.

I'm definitely not in a rush, but he is. That's what we're trying to figure out too. And yes, it requires a lot of money for the visas, passports and plane tickets, and I'm really hoping that we'll work this out, but he doesn't seem to be so eager anymore.

[pinkmadness]

......

[pinkmadness]

You guys can choose to make it work apart, or one or both of you will have to move at some point. That's not to say some are not happy in permanent LDRs, but that's your choices or you can push it off for now and wait till you are older and have more choices available. It is unfair for him to push you and it would be unfair for you to push him. If he can't wait then he is being selfish and unfair to you. How long have you two been dating? How does he think you are going to get a visa to move there? Philippines not part of EU or Schengen right? Is he talking about marriage, do you love each other enough for that? Does he make enough to support you two and any possible kids?

We're both still in the university. And we met each other February 2014, and our relationship just transitioned from there. And we haven't even talked about getting visas yet, and yes I still have to get a schengen visa to be able to visit him. We're still young to get married, and I don't know if we're still gonna get past this.

[pinkmadness]

Like everyone else always said, it seems like your SO needs to come back down to Earth for a bit. I was very, very eager to have my SO move here in the beginning of our relationship - as far as I knew, he should've moved like, yesterday! But things aren't that easy. Without a visa you can only stay here for a maximum of 90 days, unless you're one of the things differentcountries listed.

And to be entirely honest, the work situation here right now is shit. People that are born here and have a proper education have a difficult time finding a job, even more so people that aren't qualified or can't speak the language. Even entry-level jobs have like 600 applicants. Furthermore, you're still young. I'm only a year older than you, and I know that I can't relocate right now myself. I'd love to be able to, and it's what I really, really want to do, but it would be foolish without an education or any stable ground to stand on what so ever.

Maybe have a chat with your SO about these issues - is he even aware of the immigration laws? Maybe he isn't, and in that case you can enlighten him Or, show him this thread and he can get the viewpoints of a bunch of other people that have been in the same situation

Yes! I've been telling him that it wouldn't be easy for me to get a job there, and I know that I'll have better chances in my own country. And a couple of years isn't asking for much, but he thinks it is. I already showed him this thread, but instead of being enlightened, he got quite pissed off. I don't think he can handle a long distance relationship

[Hollandia]

Sorry to hear that, but these are the ugly cold facts of an LDR, especially an international one involving visas. Immigration is tough, there hundreds of thousands, maybe even millions that had to fight that same beast. It sucks and it is hard, you just have to decide if it is worth it to suffer to get to your light at the end of tunnel someday. For me, it was worth the agony and depression and insane costs and losing half my friends, and so much more ...still worth it, because he will be my husband in 2 weeks. You have to decide which idea is worse, life with each other as it is today with a future down the road together or life without each other.