Announcement

**Unconditional** · January 14, 2015, 10:27 AM

Originally posted by LurkerEm View Post

At this point, my issues are almost entirely coming from the fact that we are separated by thousands of miles. At least I think? Maybe I'm actually having problems with him specifically and I'm just trying to find faults elsewhere? I don't know anymore. I love him, I really do. We don't have the possibility of meeting until summer and even then, whether or not we are actually able to meet is dependent on things that are, for the most part, out of our control. Would we even get on well IRL? Would he even find me attractive IRL? It's hard when there are so many uncertainties when it comes to somebody you hold so dear. It's hard when no matter how huge of a part of their life you are for them, you'll never be truly involved in it. .

I'm pretty sure everyone before their first meeting has these thoughts, it's perfectly normal. Have you guys video called? There wouldn't be too much of a difference between that and how you both would act IRL. I fear you spend to much time thinking about the miles when you start to think about how far away each other is, that is when worry and loneliness can set in. I would just try to calm your mind until you guys can actually meet. In the meantime don't think of the miles, think of all the happiness you've shared together.

**ClaryAsuna** · January 14, 2015, 10:27 AM

I've been with my significant other for nine months too. It's normal to feel saddened by the distance. I have depression and very low self esteem, so I can relate. I had this same thing with my ex(also a LDR) which allowed me to wake up and see that he was emotionally abusing and controlling me. Now this is just me and I am in no way saying this is what's happening here. I would talk to your SO about this, and put a lot of thought into it. Remember, the things that matter the most are those that are worth fighting for. And I'm quoting a song here, "don't count the miles, count the I love you's". Video calling is a brilliant idea! I do it with my SO once a day if we can. It involves screen kissing haha but it is wonderful. Although we are both guilty of saying nothing and just staring into each other's eyes xD

**LurkerEm** · January 14, 2015, 10:35 AM

Originally posted by Unconditional View Post

I'm pretty sure everyone before their first meeting has these thoughts, it's perfectly normal. Have you guys video called? There wouldn't be too much of a difference between that and how you both would act IRL. I fear you spend to much time thinking about the miles when you start to think about how far away each other is, that is when worry and loneliness can set in. I would just try to calm your mind until you guys can actually meet. In the meantime don't think of the miles, think of all the happiness you've shared together.

Yes, I do not doubt that these are perfectly normal fears, but I'm also not sure if it's something I can continue to deal with when there is no way to know for sure. We have voice called and video chatted a handful of times, but no we do not do it on the regular. He would like to, but I do not enjoy either (nothing to do with him) nor are they accurate representations to how I am IRL. I would have little issue with being calm until we are able to meet and know for sure, but the thing is that meeting in and of itself is not a sure thing at the time being. Waiting a few months vs waiting a year+ is very different to me.

**Unicorn26** · January 14, 2015, 10:51 AM

I think your feelings are normal for your situation. I'm in the same position as you, not met my SO yet and I'm two years in...

About the same time into my relationship as you I got huge doubts about things. I told my SO that I wanted out, that I didn't think he was serious and I felt I was about to get really badly hurt... He assured me he was totally serious, he wanted to be with me and he would do whatever it took to make that happen.

There's no reason why you will never be part of his "real" life, you may be far apart but you're in the same country so there's no immigration issues to deal with (these can be a massive problem for other LDRs).

One thing I can assure you of, the deeper you get to know someone on the inside, the more attractive they become on the outside. Whether you get on irl is a big uncertainty, something you will only find out once you meet in person. Summer is not that long to wait in the grand scheme of things. Hang in there, meet him and see how it goes. Just take it a day at a time for now.

**The_gentle_Hart** · January 14, 2015, 10:51 AM

Oof, this really hits home for me. I remember going through the saaaame thing during "the scary 7's" months.
Suddenly you get all these feelings of "What if this doesn't work out? What if it's not the same in-person? Can we really be in love if we've never met IRL?...etc. etc." and the loneliness feels like a Mac truck to the chest.

Distance fatigue happens. It's totally normal.

But the thing is, as different as it feels being with someone IRL, being with someone online is technically real life too. You both are doing things and bonding together via shared interests. You're communicating and laughing and loving together in similar ways that other couples do---the channels of communication are just a bit different. IDK, maybe this is just my experience, but meeting my SO IRL was pretty much exactly like who she was online. She and I both were pretty honest and genuine from the start....so we lucked out there I guess. There were some differences (she was taller than I expected) but nothing too major personality wise, because we had already bonded on that level via distance.

The best thing to do might be to share your reservations with your SO. Have an open and honest conversation about this stuff. Talk it out! Say what scares you. Chances are that he's a bit nervous too.

To be honest, I think people get really wrapped up with what's "real" or what's an "actual" relationship--but the truth is, relationships are different for each person. What's "real" for one person may not be for another. If you feel loved, cherished, healthy, nurtured, and safe in a relationship then what could be more "real" than that? If you're worried that the relationship is born out of fantasy or just simple need for companionship, compare it to friendships you've had. Did they feel the same? Why? Why not?

Ultimately it's up to you where you want your relationship to go. Distance fatigue happens, but I have full faith that you can make it through. I wish you all the luck and all the love in the world

Edit: Lol sorry for all the rambles, I had a lot of thoughts....bleh. It's early here. I need coffee.

**differentcountries** · January 14, 2015, 10:52 AM

Why is meeting him beyond your control?

**Sarah96** · January 14, 2015, 10:58 AM

Originally posted by differentcountries View Post

Why is meeting him beyond your control?

I think maybe money/school/work might be an issue? I mean my boyfriend and I are "only" 1,000 miles apart with him being in Florida and me in Pennsylvania, I've found plane tickets for as cheap as $145 and if I were to take a train it would be around $110 but even that is still "too much" when money is really tight since he just started working again and I'm in school. Also family issues could be causing problems too.

Also, I agree with others that maybe you're just reaching that part of the relationship that is filled with doubts and you keep convincing yourself it's not going to work out. You should talk to him and let him know how you're feeling, it's important for both of you to be on the same page.

**LurkerEm** · January 14, 2015, 11:02 AM

Originally posted by Unicorn26 View Post

There's no reason why you will never be part of his "real" life, you may be far apart but you're in the same country so there's no immigration issues to deal with (these can be a massive problem for other LDRs).

I meant as long as the relationship is LD.

Originally posted by differentcountries View Post

Why is meeting him beyond your control?

1. Money and unsure if either would be able to come up with enough in time for when we'd have overlapping periods of availability.
2. One or both of us is likely to take classes during the summer.
3. Unsure if I'll have parental support, which I technically don't need but seeing as I live in their home...

**Unconditional** · January 14, 2015, 11:23 AM

Originally posted by LurkerEm View Post

Yes, I do not doubt that these are perfectly normal fears, but I'm also not sure if it's something I can continue to deal with when there is no way to know for sure. We have voice called and video chatted a handful of times, but no we do not do it on the regular. He would like to, but I do not enjoy either (nothing to do with him) nor are they accurate representations to how I am IRL. I would have little issue with being calm until we are able to meet and know for sure, but the thing is that meeting in and of itself is not a sure thing at the time being. Waiting a few months vs waiting a year+ is very different to me.

Well in the end, only you alone can make the decision whether to keep going. It's a hard decision to make, I know I'd be willing to wait years to meet, though I don't know if my SO could handle that long. It's all what you choose to do, I don't know if we can help at all as it is completely your decision, but we can give you our experiences and opinions. I say if the relationship isn't making you happy anymore, then it might be best to let it end. There are lots of people who have waited years to meet, but it IS hard, so if you feel that you can't do it then it's okay to let it go. However if you love him too much to end it and are willing to wait, and he makes you immensely happy then shouldn't you keep trying?

It's all up to you though.

Distance fatigue does happen. Some days are better than others, some days I'm stronger than others but I refuse to let that stop me. My SO means a lot to me, I'd do just about anything for him. Some days is does get tough though. There are some days where I wish I could just be with him, but I can't and that sucks and sometimes I get sad and cry a little, but I cry and get back up and keep going. We try to skype and talk when we can, and that helps me a LOT hearing his voice just calms me. Seeing his face, well it makes me smile (and from what he's told me, blush apparently lol). Distance fatigue and doubts are experienced by all of us I'm sure. It's just up to you on whether it is too much.

**Unicorn26** · January 14, 2015, 02:44 PM

[QUOTE=LurkerEm;382121]I meant as long as the relationship is LD.

I have to disagree here, I think lots of others on here would too.

If you are involved and committed to each other then you totally are part of his everyday life. My SO always asks me about my day/how I slept/how the kids are/how the dogs are/how was work etc and vice versa and shares things with me regarding his life too. We are always the first person to contact if were upset or if something funny has happened. We always text each other if we've been out late somewhere to let the other know we are home safely, stuff like that. It's no different to IRL except I'm not physically there. In these cases emotional intimacy takes over and this is something to be cherished and treasured and nourished as I've never had this level of emotional intimacy in any of my closed distance relationships.

You can do this if you really want to. Save like crazy, have the train/plane fare ready so that you can go at last minute if you need to. If you really like him then talk to your parents about him and introduce him to them on video chat. I'm sure your parents want you to be happy and if they see he makes you happy. So many people meet online these days, it's not a bad thing, just different that's all. Explain to your parents that you met through mutual interests and you feel you have a connection with him that's not purely based on physical attraction. As a parent of girls myself, I'd be happy to hear that.

LDR take planning, commitment, patience and sacrifice. They can be totally 100% worth it though. The only person who can really decide whether it's worth it is you.

Whatever you decide, you have the support of others on here. And we all get distance fatigue! I have it today.

**differentcountries** · January 14, 2015, 03:26 PM

Originally posted by LurkerEm View Post

1. Money and unsure if either would be able to come up with enough in time for when we'd have overlapping periods of availability.
2. One or both of us is likely to take classes during the summer.
3. Unsure if I'll have parental support, which I technically don't need but seeing as I live in their home...

Yes well, money and available time is always an issue. Have your parents met SO, live or over Skype ? I guess with you being so young and them still supporting you it will be good to have them on board. Perhaps they could even lend you the money to go see him.

**differentcountries** · January 14, 2015, 03:52 PM

Originally posted by LurkerEm View Post

I feel like the relationship is merely a fantasy and that I need to bring myself back to reality and get on with my life. I love solitude and was essentially completely alone before we met with no issues with that fact, but now I feel loneliness in ways I never imagined. I like certainties and I need certainties

The beginning of our relationship, before I visited him (after my holiday meet) things started to feel surreal. I even feel it now, at times, even if I have visited him lots of times, if I wait a certain time to see him in the flesh I start to have those feelings. Also, I have struggled a lot with my needs for planning and controlling. And I find actually - SO tought me this - to a certain extent, you can't be in an LDR if you can't accept that some of the control is not yours. Make friends with uncertainly. Some good things can come out of it. I started taking on book crafting, which helped me a lot and made me feel more connected to SO as I made the book for him. Working out also keeps the feeling at bay, I find. Asking intimate questions is another thing that may actually be easier to online. I found lots of good questions online. Lately we found new ones and we are working our way through them.

People tell me that since I started the LDR, I don't sweat the small stuff as much as I used to. When you use all your money to keep in contact with and try to meet your loved one, you don't care about clothes, or makeup or music or going out or any of the stuff that you used to find important, at least that's what I found.

Make friends with uncertainty. Try to find out why it scares you so much to not have the answers. I don't mean to not work towards a visit, by all means do, but at the same time, when things are beyond your control, don't figh them - surrender to the fact. Work with uncertainty and you may find that uncertainty contains good, too.

**Hollandia** · January 14, 2015, 09:38 PM

It sounds like your age is a part of the factor to not be able to see him. I don't know where in PA you are from but ,Philly was my home airport. You can find cheap flights on kayak round trip for about a hundred bucks to Florida. Maybe you could buy your flight and he can pay for where you stay. Save up your money for a few months it should be feasible. The train or bus would probably cost more. It's a 2-3 hour flight so doable as a weekend trip around school hours.

What you are feeling is normal. I did it for years and each time we parted, at some point I hit that phase. I used to call it my LDR paranoia phase. I questioned everything. His actions or words, my actions or words, our future, my expenses, my commitments in USA, I even would read things into trivia stuff like his choice of movie or why he was not picking up a phone call. I made a point to deal with it mostly on my own, He knew I was miserable and there was nothing he could do to fix it. I talked myself through it two ways. One, I named the feelings and so took some power and ownership of them and Two, I asked myself, would I be happier if I never saw him, I knew no matter what, life would be worse without him, so I pushed through and eventually, I made it to my next visit.

**LurkerEm** · January 15, 2015, 10:16 AM

Originally posted by Hollandia View Post

What you are feeling is normal. I did it for years and each time we parted, at some point I hit that phase. I used to call it my LDR paranoia phase. I questioned everything. His actions or words, my actions or words, our future, my expenses, my commitments in USA, I even would read things into trivia stuff like his choice of movie or why he was not picking up a phone call. I made a point to deal with it mostly on my own, He knew I was miserable and there was nothing he could do to fix it. I talked myself through it two ways. One, I named the feelings and so took some power and ownership of them and Two, I asked myself, would I be happier if I never saw him, I knew no matter what, life would be worse without him, so I pushed through and eventually, I made it to my next visit.

Yeah, I identify with almost all of that and I'm rather confident that I wouldn't be *that* paranoid if it was a CD relationship.

Thanks everybody who took the time to reply. I'm feeling much more relaxed about things today even though I still do have some doubts.

Announcement

Distance is wearing on me...

Distance is wearing on me...

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment

Comment