how best to resolve issues in an LDR

[Gingerlyme]

good luck p_b82 ! i hope she comes around soon and you guys can talk it out calmly. personally i find video chatting the best way, you can see the other person's body language and likely not to misunderstand anything.

I have learned (the hard way) to never tell my feelings (pent up or otherwise) in a text message. it will 99% of the time always be misread (Some of it) and cause more harm than good.

[Gingerlyme]

oh and <virtual hug> the silent treatment is pure torture and really cruel to the heart

[farandaway]

Oh, the silent treatment is bad. We've both done that for different reasons but thank god we're over that. The waiting can easily kill you. If she needs time off she should say so. Whatever it is she should tell you. That's the only fair treatment.

[p_b82]

Well it seems as though the time to think is the same as having a break - she pinged me briefly during her lunch to follow up the silly 1st profile post on FB as I had tagged her in that, and then nothing else after that short 30min window.

I know I need to give her the time to respond, but this is getting harder to bear..... but I don't want to throw out an ultimatum either as I think it would be counter productive, but how long does she think I am going to just sit around in limbo while it appears she decides whether she wants a relationship with me anymore....

None of this is made any easier by my mum turning round and saying "well I hope you don't work it out as I don't want you to go" - true as it was, tactful as a brick, to the face, under the circumstances

[R&R]

I know I need to give her the time to respond, but this is getting harder to bear..... but I don't want to throw out an ultimatum either as I think it would be counter productive, but how long does she think I am going to just sit around in limbo while it appears she decides whether she wants a relationship with me anymore....

Personally, for me it would be long enough for her to be over her temper tantrum and decide what she wants. I wouldn't say that you have to give her an ultimatum. Maybe more along the lines of, "Your non-response and lack of communication regarding this situation are actually telling me all I need to know. Unless you respond otherwise by <insert day here>, I will believe that you have decided you no longer want to be in this relationship and will proceed as such." It's giving her a deadline.

[Hollandia]

Personally, for me it would be long enough for her to be over her temper tantrum and decide what she wants. I wouldn't say that you have to give her an ultimatum. Maybe more along the lines of, "Your non-response and lack of communication regarding this situation are actually telling me all I need to know. Unless you respond otherwise by <insert day here>, I will believe that you have decided you no longer want to be in this relationship and will proceed as such." It's giving her a deadline.

She said she needed time. One day is long enough? I don't think so. I would give her a week. Ultimatums and deadlines can end a relationship. Use only if willing to have that happen.

[p_b82]

Well actually she has had since monday when i first told her I was not happy with things, and then Tuesday with the details, and then wednesday to try to soften it. (all asking her to help me work out how we can make this LDR work, and what she wants from me in the LDR)

What it appears however after we started to get into it this morning, is that not that she is deciding how to respond to me, and how to see about addressing the concerns I have raised; but about whether she wants the LDR at all.

I am also facing the problem, that when we have a difference of opinion on a topic, that it gets thrown back in my face that I am being too defensive...

Unfortunately this topic is my ex who keeps being dragged into things for no reason whatsoever as far as I am concerned...

My GF thinks I am comparing her to my ex, and is getting upset; I am getting upset that she thinks I am comparing her to my ex......
(I am not and I have tried to say that repeatedly, but she keeps using her in almost every argument we have had claiming that I am)

After being told that there was no point in having a 'discussion' if I don't accept her feelings, I have told her to just put everything down in an email so I an see it all in black and white - and that there are going to be things we just don't agree on.

Even though we have both admitted we love each other and miss each other, I am not sure that we are going to be able to make this work - which sucks...... but I am not going to throw in the towel just yet.

[Hollandia]

Hmmm.... I am really sorry, it does sound like she has way too much power in this decision. This being said, If you never mention your ex and she says you do, then she is insecure about her. If you do at all, even innocently, STOP. She knows she exists and no reason to hear of her ever again, at all. Your SO needs to be more vested, it takes two to tango and two full a successful LDR...an equal two.

[Honour]

....Sorry, OP, but I think she pretty much just told you she no longer gives a damn.

*hugs*

[Gingerlyme]

Well actually she has had since monday when i first told her I was not happy with things, and then Tuesday with the details, and then wednesday to try to soften it. (all asking her to help me work out how we can make this LDR work, and what she wants from me in the LDR)

What it appears however after we started to get into it this morning, is that not that she is deciding how to respond to me, and how to see about addressing the concerns I have raised; but about whether she wants the LDR at all.

I am also facing the problem, that when we have a difference of opinion on a topic, that it gets thrown back in my face that I am being too defensive...

Unfortunately this topic is my ex who keeps being dragged into things for no reason whatsoever as far as I am concerned...

My GF thinks I am comparing her to my ex, and is getting upset; I am getting upset that she thinks I am comparing her to my ex......
(I am not and I have tried to say that repeatedly, but she keeps using her in almost every argument we have had claiming that I am)

After being told that there was no point in having a 'discussion' if I don't accept her feelings, I have told her to just put everything down in an email so I an see it all in black and white - and that there are going to be things we just don't agree on.

Even though we have both admitted we love each other and miss each other, I am not sure that we are going to be able to make this work - which sucks...... but I am not going to throw in the towel just yet.

I feel bad because like what Hollandia said, insecurity is the big bad wolf here. I know because i have been that insecure girl as well. Sometimes we get insecure and the idea of a ex can really get in our heads and mess with us. Especially when there is a problem/issue, the feeling gets amplified.
From personal experience, its up to your girlfriend to look past her insecurity and fully trust you. the only thing you can do is be fully supportive and be there for her, don't mention your ex at all (in any capacity). it can be a long and tiring process, but the outcome can be very fulfilling and you will both be stronger from it. my s/o was so supportive and understanding from it all and i can't tell you enough how much i appreciate him for that and love him so much more today for it.

don't give up hope. personally, i don't think it is over at all. i think she just needs to sort out her feelings and the best thing to do is just be supportive (it can get lonely i understand but thats what we do for the people we love).

good luck!

[p_b82]

Well I figure I should update the thread.

We have started to have some discussions about things, and she has emailed me with all her current feelings, she has been kind enough to overlook my attack on her character, in her email she admitted she has been difficult, and explained a few of other behaviours. She admitted to me that the reason that she hadn't been able to tell me either to break up or not, was because she knew if we split up right now we would no longer remain friends, and right now, we have lost the true spark that makes us work so well. (lack of openness and honesty with ourselves and each other). She also admitted she has not been that happy either - which proves that my gut was right when it started to shout at me that something was not right....

We have however decided to remain exclusive, but take a break from the relationship while we work on fixing our friendship - if once we have done that we want to try to make the LDR work again, we shall. If not we will break up 'formally' and stay friends but never take it further.

The latter would suck for us both, we love each other a lot; but we were trying too hard to make the relationship work, that we were forcing it and were actually ripping each other apart faster than we were trying to build a life together. In short we lost focus on the now, by staring too far into the future.

[Unicorn26]

I'm glad she's finally communicated with you and told you what her feeling were.

Please don't give up, but do give her some space. This is going to be really tough and I feel for you I really do. I went through something similar with my SO after he got so seriously ill. It scared the crap out of me and I just had to take a step back for a while. I still loved him, but I just couldn't deal with the intensity of it. We still communicated almost every day and remained really good friends then one day I finally had clarity. I realised that I was completely head over heels, that he was definitely who I wanted to be with and now we are stronger than ever.

I hope having this little break will give her space to think. Don't give up just yet. I still see potential here. I think she's just a very complicated person and needs to work through her own issues first.

Good luck mate. I will be thinking of you and hoping to works out for you.

[Honour]

I'm glad she responded, and whilst it may not have been what you wanted to hear, perhaps it was better you heard now rather than later. Hope you both can work things out.

[Miasmata]

Rooting for you both to make things work out in each other's best interest, whatever that's going to be. Try focusing on the now and see how it goes. All the best to you two!

[p_b82]

I don't want to turn this into a blow by blow account of the details - but it seems we are taking baby steps in the right direction.

She couldn't sleep this morning and we got talking, much like the old times.... (although it was the first time in 2.5 days)

She agreed though did not really understand why I would suggest it, to play the 'question of the moment' game with me - probably known as something else, but every few days or so we think of a question to ask the other. on any topic we like and it has to be answered within 24hrs.... (cunning way to at least ensure a little communication every day if the 'game' is live). she allowed me to start with "Why *did* the chicken cross the road"

It spiked off a funny exchange of words, after we both answered it, and I challenged her to find something that is 'better' than that as a her starter.....

she then completely out the blue during the middle of her working day sent me a picture of her looking incredibly sexy saying "I know we are "just friends" but....... Surprise!" it is not a picture she would have taken today, as she is not wearing work suitable clothes in it..... I complimented her, as she looked dammed hot, and thanked her for it and said words along the lines of I think of us more as in limbo, needing some mental headspace, than just being friends, and it was not refuted....

I am not going to read too much into it, and am not going to make the same mistake of rushing things - but at least I am no longer getting the silent treatment, and the fact she sent the picture is a little bit of evidence that she is thinking of me, as she knows just how much it would have made my day - which it did, and I told her as much....

So to sum back up and bring things a little more on topic to the title lol.....

Make sure when you say to each other or others you are communicating, ensure that you are not just listening to what your partner is telling you, but also hearing it too..... obviously it is not easy when communication falls apart so much that you are not talking, but try to do better than I (we) did and talk through issues before they blow up. don't be so desperate to not rock the boat that you miss some internal warning signals, and get talking, listening and hearing sooner to avoid a nasty issue like this yourselves....
Seems like common sense, but as I have discovered myself, it is an easy mistake to make when distance is involved, and we know that saying some things that are not going to be liked by the other will hurt them a little, even if only pride etc...