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**CanadianGirl** · January 17, 2015, 07:23 AM

A little confused by what you mean when you say "post". If I read this right, you talked about your past sex life a lot, but you recently met in person and that all changed but he's now showing that he's hurt by it?

**Petals** · January 17, 2015, 07:26 AM

Ah, this is just an ego thing that only he can fix over time. I don't understand it fully, but from discussions I have seen around the Internet, it appears that men want to be seen as desirable and not just the one that you chose to settle down with because of his relationship material (good guy) classification. In their minds, women settle for the 'good guys' but really desire the 'bad boys.'

He doesn't want to be your second choice and that's how he feels. This is mainly a younger guy issue since they are just coming into their own and forming a sense of self, but some older guys go through it too. In my eyes it's kinda silly but that's just how the ego works - no rhyme or reason lol.

The only thing I think you can do to help is be more sexual with him - experiment...but don't do anything you don't want to do.

In time he will get over it. Stop apologizing though, as this is really his issue and not yours. If he continues to make a big deal out of it then he's not ready for a real relationship.

**differentcountries** · January 17, 2015, 07:40 AM

You can tell him that everyone loves a new person differently. Especially if it is a person that sticks out and you want to be with them, you may change in what you want do do with then and how you want to phraze what you do. In this case, you were actually not COMFORTABLE being promiscuous (or not comfortable looking back on it, anyway). It seems like he doesn't realize this.

There are lots of different ways of being sexual. You can be raw. You can be sweet. You can be kinky. You can desire to be cuddled. Every person can have different modes that works best for them at different times. It is important that he understans this. It seems like he thinks there is sexual vs not sexual, when in reality things are so much more variated.

Maybe you can talk a little bit about how you felt at that time you did it and how you feel now. I know from my boyfriend's experience that he had a lot of fun doing one night stands and more sex-based relationships, but that at the same time "his heart was closed" and all the sex he had did not satisfy his need to connect with someone and to be really seen by someone who genuinely care for him. He feels a basic safety with me that also allows him to be more curious about his personal sexuality as apposed to the promisqous but "basic" sex he had before me. He is also delighted to be able to do relationship'ish things with me, like spooning. It seems to me that you are also maybe exploring you are in the context of a new person that is important to you. You may need some time to find out what you want.

You haven't told us about HIS sexual past, but it seems it is important to him to be desired and perhaps he wonders if you really like him when it comes down to it? I am a bit like most guys in this aspect. I become insecure in a relationship if I am not convinced I am desired. This has created problems for me in past relationships because I like to cuddle but it is not enough for me. I really feel loved if I can have sex or at the very least engage in overt flirtation, so I can understand that your SO wants this.

My advice is, together you can explore both what seems to me as your big need to have a friend in your partner and to connect on levels that are not sexual. You can also explore what sex means to him and why it is emptionally important to him to be part of your overly sexual side. Perhaps together you can find a mental and physical space where you feel safe and cared for and he feels safe to come out to you as a sexual beeing.

**X19131x** · January 17, 2015, 08:04 AM

Originally posted by CanadianGirl View Post

A little confused by what you mean when you say "post". If I read this right, you talked about your past sex life a lot, but you recently met in person and that all changed but he's now showing that he's hurt by it?

To clarify, when I said post I meant I'd tweet about other people in a more sexual way before I met him. Embarrassingly enough. We met 10 months ago when I was studying abroad in London. We found each other on okcupid and talked there for a bit then met up maybe a week later. But basically yes, I excluded him as one of the people I tweeted/talked sexually about and he's extremely upset about it now. He found out about it all by looking through my Twitter (which is public) and by a bit of invasion of privacy looking through my messages on Facebook and my texts.

**X19131x** · January 17, 2015, 08:09 AM

To touch a bit on his sexual past, he doesn't have much of one. Which I've never seen as an issue. He was in a long term relationship and he got out of it before he met me. That's sort if the extent of it all. I can definitely see that he's a bit insecure when it comes to whether or not I like/desire him. He doesn't think he is as attractive as other people I've seen and I've told him so many times that's in no way true but he just doesn't believe it because there's no "proof" that I thought so before meeting him.

It's definitely a good idea to explore what sex means to both of us. I hadn't thought of that. Thank you very much for the response.

**X19131x** · January 17, 2015, 08:13 AM

Originally posted by Petals View Post

Ah, this is just an ego thing that only he can fix over time. I don't understand it fully, but from discussions I have seen around the Internet, it appears that men want to be seen as desirable and not just the one that you chose to settle down with because of his relationship material (good guy) classification. In their minds, women settle for the 'good guys' but really desire the 'bad boys.'

He doesn't want to be your second choice and that's how he feels. This is mainly a younger guy issue since they are just coming into their own and forming a sense of self, but some older guys go through it too. In my eyes it's kinda silly but that's just how the ego works - no rhyme or reason lol.

The only thing I think you can do to help is be more sexual with him - experiment...but don't do anything you don't want to do.

In time he will get over it. Stop apologizing though, as this is really his issue and not yours. If he continues to make a big deal out of it then he's not ready for a real relationship.

This was the response I needed in order to make myself stop feeling so awful so thank you so much for that. I sort of offered up the idea that he may want to go about fixing this internally while I'm here for him every step of the way, to which I got an "ok fuck off" response (nice, I know). I do think a lot of it has to do with himself but I know there is definitely some that has to do with me and how I just simply didn't gloat about him the way I did about others. I didn't do it maliciously. I wanted to change. That's not really getting across to him.

It's hard to be able to show someone you're sexually into them without actually physically being with them. When we're together we have plenty of sex and it's always lovely but when we're apart I don't really know how I'd be able to convey to him that I do desire him besides using my words (which have fallen flat at this point). Any ideas?

**Honour** · January 17, 2015, 09:28 AM

All I'm seeing are the words "sexual" and "sex." I don't mean to come across as being rude, but don't you think and perhaps agree with me there's more to a relationship than just sex? Because the way you're conveying yourself is that that's all there is to your relationship. Why would you even want to post "sexual things," whatever they are in your eyes, so everyone can see? Personally, I think what you're saying is beyond silly and your SO is showing a complete lack of maturity and an unhealthy bout of egotistical behaviour. Me, I'm a private person, and if I wanted everyone to know what my sex life (which is non-existent in real life, I admit I am in no rush) then I would climb up on a roof and shout it all out

Whatever you did in the past is over and done with. You say you want to change, then go ahead and do so, just be sure that you don't lose your relationship in the process. Good luck to you.

**X19131x** · January 17, 2015, 09:59 AM

Originally posted by Honour View Post

All I'm seeing are the words "sexual" and "sex." I don't mean to come across as being rude, but don't you think and perhaps agree with me there's more to a relationship than just sex? Because the way you're conveying yourself is that that's all there is to your relationship. Why would you even want to post "sexual things," whatever they are in your eyes, so everyone can see? Personally, I think what you're saying is beyond silly and your SO is showing a complete lack of maturity and an unhealthy bout of egotistical behaviour. Me, I'm a private person, and if I wanted everyone to know what my sex life (which is non-existent in real life, I admit I am in no rush) then I would climb up on a roof and shout it all out

Whatever you did in the past is over and done with. You say you want to change, then go ahead and do so, just be sure that you don't lose your relationship in the process. Good luck to you.

I absolutely agree with you. The whole fight in itself is silly and embarrassing but i don't want to belittle his emotions. Sex is not that important in a relationship to me. Of course, I love it with him and it's really beautiful with him but my sexual past was literally a 2-3 month stint where I realized I could experiment freely. I was excited about it so I'd tweet about it but I also think I used the tweets as a coping mechanism because I didn't actually feel amazing about the fact that I was doing it. It did get very dull without any type of connection. The connection and the friendship is what matters to me in a relationship, just to clarify.

Thank you for your response and well wishes.

**Honour** · January 17, 2015, 10:21 AM

A healthy sex life is great and all, but keep in mind the finer details. He needs to grow up. And I would suggest you seek out an alternate coping mechanism; people post all sorts on the internet as we all know, and it causes in our minds some form of need to "live up" to pressures placed upon us by others. Screw them. Do your own thing.

**Hollandia** · January 17, 2015, 11:04 AM

I think he wants to know you think he is hot and really into him. I am going to go against the grain a bit, but if you were raving about sex with other guys and now you are quietly dating him, anyone that reads this might think, hmmmmm, guess monogamous sex is not as hot as single sex. Sure, he took it a bit far, but if you had no problem screaming from the rooftops about others and he wants you too, why don't you start screaming from mountains about sex with him? I hate to be rude but you opened that door and now no matter what you do, he can see in. I also have to ask, is sex with your BF as hot? If not, well, that is why he is so upset. You made sex a public thing and now he is associated with it via you and your silence is causing him to come off as falling flat. If your want sex life private now, then you should post so. Something like, " I am insane over the moon for my amazing BF that fulfills my needs in every way and has a cute ass to boot, but from now on, my behind closed doors activity is staying as something shared only between our two beating hearts and our sheets." Then don't mention sex again. How would you feel if he had done the same before, and you had not, and now he was silent? Would you not be upset to have read about his sexual escapades with other woman and then nothing about you? What I mean is try wearing the shoe on the other foot a bit. Men are brought up to have prowess in sex and so I don't find it as odd as some have said.

Whether you are a GF or wife you will always want to remain his "whore" in the bedroom or passion dies and you lose a closeness in your relationship. There is a saying, dated though it is," a perfect wife is a chef in the kitchen, a lady in the living room and a whore in the bedroom". Sex is a huge thing for men. He wants to know he is also your whore in the bedroom, he wants to hear you profess his virility. He wants to be your super hero that makes you howl and not some sweet loveable guy you have to fake it for and have settled because he makes up for it in other ways. He might be your BF but it sounds like he wants to be your MAN.

My suggestions:
How can you fix it? First, talk again and if he does make your toes curl, tell him, in graphic detail. Second, ask if he minds if you did scream from the mountaintops about your personal sex life together or he would rather a comment about why you don't wish too anymore. Third, make a date for next time to show him how much he makes your toes curl. Lastly, if he does not make your toes curl, see if you too can add some spice in to get that happening.

Your a sexual person and he knew it, are you still? Did you turn down your spigot when he got in the bath? If so, turn it back up. Be very sexual with him and see if the two of you can find a way to find the right balance.

**The_gentle_Hart** · January 17, 2015, 11:20 AM

I think it's interesting that he put a majority of the responsibility on you for the fight by saying "I hope you can find a way to fix this"...

To me that raises a few red flags. A relationship is two people, not just one. Compromise and emotional work has to come from both sides.

I'd suggest meeting in the middle. I think you and he should have a long talk about what he expects or desires sexually, and also about what sexuality and sexual desire mean in a relationship for you (since you mentioned that your previous promiscuity is something you aren't proud of).

Set boundaries together.

**Miasmata** · January 17, 2015, 03:36 PM

I think promiscuity itself is never something to be embarassed of. If you enjoyed being that sexual, that's absolutely okay! And if you want to change that, that's okay too. But don't force yourself to be someone you're not. If you like being sexually open, your partner should know. However, both your needs are important in this, and you need to sit down and discuss it. Sexual compatibility can be just as important as any other kind of compatibility in a relationship, and you shouldn't sweep it under the rug. Tell him what you want out of the relationship, sexually and otherwise, and ask him to tell you what he wants. Be honest with each other and your needs, and tell him how you want to change and how you don't. Both your sexual needs and his should be adressed.

**differentcountries** · January 17, 2015, 04:21 PM

Originally posted by X19131x View Post

It's hard to be able to show someone you're sexually into them without actually physically being with them. When we're together we have plenty of sex and it's always lovely but when we're apart I don't really know how I'd be able to convey to him that I do desire him besides using my words (which have fallen flat at this point). Any ideas?

What we do: share memories. Tell our fantasies. Compliment each other on Facebook and elsewhere. Sometimes I dress up for him, or him for me, or we have online sex. Sometimes we work on getting close in other ways and it becomes sexual after some time. Explotion and curiosity is the key.

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