How do I handle this?

[D4Joseph]

Hi everyone, I'll try not to make this too long. I just returned from visiting my S.O about a week ago. I spent nearly a month with her. Even before I visited the plan the whole time was for me to spend the first half of our winter break in her city then she'd come down to mine. I didn't wanna put pressure on her so I kept quiet thinking she was sticking to the plan. The whole time she kept assuring me that she will buy the ticket and will visit. Time continued to go by and still no ticket. My hopes were still up because she still told me she would come. So then apparently my S.O had a conversation with her parents about coming & they told her it wouldn't be wise because she could always save money. Ever since my gf pulled a whole 180 and keeps saying it wouldn't be wise because she can't afford it. I even volunteered to give her some money after so she can't feel broke and she doesn't want that either. Now she's saying "we had our time I don't need to necessarily come this month". Anything I am trying to do to help her visit for the rest of our break she disregards it . It's like I'm the the only one that wants to spend as much time as we possibly can. She says spring break is when she can come instead. That's only a week! Why settle from a week later if we can have more time now? We have been at odds about this and I don't want to br bitter to her but she just switched up last minute out of no where and it hurts inside. I can't just sit there and pretend nothing is wrong. How should I handle this? What do you think is making her change her mind? Can I have some advice please?

[lyonsgirl]

Was that your first visit together? Where did you stay when you were there? Maybe the visit didn't go as well for her as you thought it did.

[Hollandia]

"We had our time together" and I don't need more this month sounds like something you say after you eat a big meal and are no longer hungry. I would say that her parents are pushing her to slow down and she is listening. You need to talk to her about it. If you have the cash to help then she has other reasons and sounds like she is content with the distance and less time together. That is not a good sign. Ask her where she stands on your level of commitment to each other and if she planning on being exclusive and long term. If she is planning on being exclusive then why is she content to put off a visit and cut it so much shorter?

[D4Joseph]

This was out second visit together and I stayed at her parents place with them. She told me the visit was solid to her. I agree she seems too content

[differentcountries]

By visiting in the winter break, I guess you mean you would stay with or visit each other's parents. If her parents were against you coming, it makes sense she wanted to postphone the visit. Maybe she is ashamed they did not want you to come and blaming it on the money. After all, the first part of winter break was meant to be in her city.

BTW, you are not "not putting preassure" on her by trusting she would do the plan - quite the other way around. It is by talking about her and encouraging her to tell it like it is, express her doubts, telling her it is ok to change plans if need be etc. that you are taking the preassure off her. By not talking to her about it, you are only encouraging her to be sneaky and you let yourself be dissapointed. SO asks for the flight number when I come - for practical reasons, sure, but I think also because he wants to know I am actually coming. It is not bad to want information. SO unfortunately sometimes tells straight lies - it is just that it is useless, because I can always tell when he does that. That gives him the confidance that I actually care about what is true or not, and he lies less and less now, and more often tells me bad news, lets me know if he is confused etc. You can give your girlfriend the same gift. You can tell her: "I don't really know what happened about winter break, I thought we had made plans, I am sorry if I misunderstood. there might have come things in the way that I don't know about. But you see, in the future it would be nice to be able to plan and to get to know you. You don't always have to know, but it is nice if you tell me what's on your mind. I will tell you what's on my mind. do you think we can help each other in this?"

[D4Joseph]

We weren't visiting each other's parents. I jus stayed at their place because I didn't have hotel money they welcomed me. When she visits my city She's lucky enough to have a grandma to stay with.

[Harlequin]

I can understand her declining your money offer, because that's just a pride thing and a guilt thing. As in, she doesn't want to take your money because she doesn't feel like it's the right thing to do, and she'd rather wait until she can afford everything on her own. That alone is pretty innocent, and I feel like a lot of people think similarly.
It's possible that the visit didn't go as well for her as it did for you, but I'm also wondering if it's her parents? There's the chance that the visit didn't particularly impress her parents, and she's just trying to appease them for now. If she's still dependent on them, or if they're super controlling, then I imagine it wouldn't be hard for them to stop her from things they don't want her to do/they feel would be an unwise thing to do. It's embarrassing to have to say, "my parents won't let me" once you hit like...18.
Anyway, it sucks that the switch was so last-minute, but that's also one of the reasons why I'm inclined to agree that something didn't go as well as you initially thought. I'm not sure if it was just with her specifically, her parents, or all of the above, but it's worth discussing. You need to figure out what's going on, how she's feeling (and how her parents are feeling if you feel like that needs to be addressed), and what exactly she wants to do from here. I can understand having to back down because you can no longer afford something, but "we had our time I don't need to necessarily come this month" sounds like something you might say about a friend you can only handle in small doses.

[D4Joseph]

That's true that is something you say to someone you can only handle in small doses. I understand that accepting the money is a pride thing but if that's what I'm volunteering to do for the sake of spending extra time then why not compromise and do it. It all seems like she just wants to give half assex visits while I visited for awhile. The parents are a factor. I wish I knew how exactly. She's 18 at the end of the day you have to use your voice

[sweetshay]

I can definitely understand your frustration, I hate it when plans fall through especially ones that are very important to me, but sometimes these things just happen. Everything cannot always go according to plan. It seems that one of you has to compromise here so that it doesn't turn into anything bigger than it should be. But you should respect her decisions and she should respect yours within reason. I think getting overly upset with her about changing the decision can be detrimental and that it would be bad to be frustrated with each other while making plans to visit, that just seems to put even more of a strain on things because she's visiting knowing that you will be upset with her for not staying longer when she could.

Just because you are able to dedicate an ample amount of time to visit doesn't mean she should as well - although it would be nice. We have to be patient and understanding a lot in LDR's. I can also see her parents point about saving money. Sometimes when we ask for advice other people make us open our eyes to what the more "analytical" decision would be and maybe that's the influence that her parents had on her. Not to say that it is the right decision but I find that no matter what age I am, if my parents are still supporting me I have to at least respect their advice to some degree. She might also be struggling mentally with trying to please both you and her parents which is a crappy position to be in.

A month is a good chunk of time to see each other but it's not always about the amount of time you spend together, it's about the quality of how that time was spend, and since you will be reunited soon for spring break maybe she just feels that saving money would be the better option now and not necessarily how long you spend together. If you two can fully discuss this, see each others points and feelings so that she understands why it's upsetting you and vice versa then you might feel better.

[D4Joseph]

I understand in ldr's quality is over quantity but it feels a little unfair that she just wants to settle for less time. Her and I keep discussing this but it keeps turning into arguments . She always breaks down crying when we argue. Respect or not doesn't mean you let your parents hold you back. I wanna keep trying to speak to her but we're both stubborn & it hasn't been going anywhere. I feel like dropping it will be me acting like nothing is wrong but I feel like discussing it will make me more disappointed. Not to mention I hate her crying

[p_b82]

I have been going through an issue where clashing of heads is where we are at, and it is not good.

But right now bringing it up all the time is not actually doing either of you any good - she has called a halt to a return visit, it is shitty, but it has happened, and right now you are not going to change that.

What I would suggest to her, is that you ask her to explain to you in a week or so's time, why the sudden U-turn (maybe by email or on the phone etc) You have to sit and listen to everything that she says though before butting in and counter arguing if it is done on the phone though.

Trying to get the answers now, will break you both apart. She will think you are nagging, and you will be disappointed by not getting the answer you want.

If after a week or so, she can't explain to you why, then it raises another more serious question of why can't she tell you this... and you two, may find you are then having to discuss something more serious.

But for now drop it.....