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Already committed, but now afraid

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    Already committed, but now afraid

    Hi everyone,

    I'm having a dilemma with my current boyfriend. He lives in a time zone with a 13 hour difference, and we've been long distance for about 8 months now. He goes to college there, and I'm about to graduate college here in a few months and am applying for Peace Corps (we decided our relationship cannot hold each other back from what we want to do). Things were great while we were together before the distance, but things have been pretty rocky since. Since we have no definite end-point in sight (and depending on where I go after graduating, the next time we could just meet at all may be 1 year from now), it's really hard right now to keep up our relationship (from my side. He seems totally committed). I really care about him, and I can imagine being together once our lives settle down--but that may well be 3 or more years from now, and right now, committment is scaring me. I've always been the type of person to only want a serious relationship, but I've found I'm just not very good at long-term LDRs. The main problem is, no matter what we do, he ends up feeling like a best friend, not a boyfriend (and we've tried Skype sex and a lot of other things too, so it's not like I haven't tried anything).

    He came to visit earlier this month for about 2 weeks. The first 2/3 of it was pretty rocky--I felt so much pressure to have all these amazing feelings for him, but I still felt like I was seeing my best friend after 7 months of separation. Honestly, I feel like I have cold feet with our relationship--I feel like I'm tied down too quickly. I love him, but I don't know if I'm ready to stop dating a bit and getting other experiences (we're both 21, and I know people change so much in this time). It's not that I want to just have flings with other people, but I can't deal with the pressure to feel for him the same way he does for me right now. I talked to him about taking a break since we have no idea where we are both going in the future, but to him, it's basically all or nothing. The last few days he was here, my feelings felt like they were back to normal, but now he's gone, and I'm back to not feeling the same. 3 or 4 days just isn't enough to sustain the rest of the year, and then the year after that and after that.

    I know I sound a bit selfish and am asking more than is realistic, but in an ideal world, we would stop being an official couple, but stay in touch and be supportive of each other's life goals (because although we love each other, they just don't match up right now, and won't for several years). Now I feel like I envy my friends who had done this relationship from the start--date in person, not do an LDR, but still visit each other and accept that what happens happens. My problem is, I feel like I'm in too deep now, and I don't know how to approach him about this. We communicate a lot, but our 3 hour talk about this while he was here got us nowhere. I'm just really freaked out right now.

    Has anyone else experienced this? What did you do and how did it go? Do you have any advice?
    Last edited by Shangrii; January 20, 2015, 04:15 PM.

    #2
    LD is a lot of preassure, LD is about letting yourself be tied down. All of those things can be hard, especially in a fairly new relationship where no mentioning of marriage or moving in together has been made. You have to make the effort.

    You have been LD 8 months, and the majority of this time you have lost most ot the sexual chemestry on your side. You don't want to cheat, but also you find him boring so what to do? You dream of "ideal worlds" where you can hold on to him while at the same time "get experience". You admit you don't even share the same life goals. You call him a friend, but the way you describe him is not very caring - he sounds more like your jailer than your partner. All your focus on the word "preassure" makes me think you don't want to continue the relationship.

    Let me tell you: you can dump him. That is the fairest thing to the both of you. After we have been 1-2 months apart at a time, we go crazy about each other when we see each other. My SO and I have been in a relationship longer than you have, and all of it LD - we have none of your issues. It is not the distance, it is you. You ARE in too deep to waist any more of your bfs time.
    I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
    - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



    "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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      #3
      You've stated you're (a) scared of the commitment, (b) not very good at long-term LDR's, (c) feel tied down too quickly, (d) and you love him but that is quite different from being IN love with him. You also stated that he seems more like a best friend to you. If a friend came to you and presented all of this to you, what advice would you give?

      Don't ever feel that you need or are required to stay in a relationship. Sometimes the timing is off and sometimes they are just not the right person. And you know what? There is nothing wrong with that. It's ok to say that this relationship is not what you need/want right now and end it. You have big plans and goals for yourself. Pursue them. Good luck.
      Last edited by R&R; January 20, 2015, 10:09 PM.
      To those who dream, nothing is ever far away.

      ​Distance is to love as wind is to fire. It blows out the little ones and fans the big ones.

      Comment


        #4
        Originally posted by R&R View Post
        You've stated you're (a) scared of the commitment, (b) not very good at long-term LDR's, (c) feel tied down to quickly, (d) and you love him but that is quite different from being IN love with him. You also stated that he seems more like a best friend to you. If a friend came to you and presented all of this to you, what advice would you give?

        Don't ever feel that you need or are required to stay in a relationship. Sometimes the timing is off and sometimes they are just not the right person. And you know what? There is nothing wrong with that. It's ok to say that this relationship is not what you need/want right now and end it. You have big plans and goals for yourself. Pursue them. Good luck.
        ^^^^^^THIS
        Met Online : July 2013
        Met in person : April - May 2014 (3 wks)
        2nd visit : June - August 2014 (2 months)
        3rd visit : December - Jan (2wks)
        Proposal : December 2014
        Closed distance : February 2015
        Married : April 5, 2015


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          #5
          It sounds to me that you know all your own answers already tbh, and as R&R says walking away from something that does not make you happy is the right thing to do for you, even if you know it is going to hurt the other involved.

          I don't agree with everything DC wrote, but one aspect that I agree with, if you are this unhappy, then you need to stop wasting your BF's time. If you can't remain friends then it will be sad, but better than being unhappy 'lovers'.

          Comment


            #6
            Know exactly what you mean, I felt like a best friend to my ex James instead of girlfriend. As a result, I did what I knew was the right thing to do. As hard as it was, I had to break things off with him, though we remained friends, despite it being a rocky friendship. You can't mess him or his feelings around; it would be best to present your feelings to him, and talk to him thoroughly about this. Also agreed with R&R: at the end of the day, a relationship should not put undue pressure on you. Good luck to you.

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