I broke things off...

[LurkerEm]

This week has been hard on me to say the least. The (proper) communication in our relationship had bordered on non-existent for almost a month and a half, I was having trouble coping with the distance while also not feeling comfortable sharing it all with him, and it was honestly getting to the point where I was flat out miserable. He had done something that was inconsiderate and had also been a recurring issue in recent times, and so with me already having been struggling so much with things, it was kind of like the straw that broke the camel's back.

I waited a few hours to ensure it wasn't an impulse thing and then voice messaged him that I was breaking up with him and a few reasons why. He responded with a few sentences and nothing more, which made me feel like he couldn't care less. I spent the following four or so days obsessing about all of it. I was so bitter and angry thinking that maybe I was just strung along or something else along those lines. The final thing he had said to me at that point was actually an open-ended question and when I answered it, he never said anything back. All I kept thinking about was "Nine months and I don't even get a bloody goodbye?"

... and then I got a few short messages from him. The moment I saw them, every last bit of resentment and bitterness I felt vanished like that. Every nasty thing I dreamed of telling him in the days prior became unfathomable distant memories. We exchanged some final words about how we care about each other without really having any sort of conversation, he told me that he might attempt to contact me again in the future, and then I got my much needed goodbye. It had to be one of the hardest things to hear in my entire life. A big part of me really hopes that we do get in contact again in the somewhat near future after things have leveled out and things somehow end up working out between us, but if things don't end up being brought back together ever, then I'm at least happy that those goodbyes exchanged have given me some sort of closure.

Lots of tears have been shed in the past couple of days. I love him and breaking up with him was like willingly breaking my own heart, but I wasn't coping well anymore. I believe that the problems we had (even potentially the long distance thing) could have been worked out with a little communication and genuine effort on both sides. Has anybody here been in a LDR (we started online and had never gotten the chance to meet yet) where they went separate ways for awhile and ended up coming back together? Maybe I'm just holding onto a lost cause, but I can't help it.

(Sorry for emotionally dumping, but I don't have anybody IRL that knows much about my relationship and so am rather alone in going through this)

[Harlequin]

You don't need to apologize for emotionally dumping! You're in good company

First, I'm sorry that your relationship had to come to an end, but I feel like you made the right choice considering you weren't getting what you needed from the relationship any longer. No relationship can survive without all involved parties putting in effort, and from what you've written, I'm gathering he didn't really do his part. It's a really hard decision to make, but you'll begin to feel okay with time.

Before my current relationship, I was in an LDR with a guy from Scotland. We never had the chance to meet up in person (not for lack of trying on my end), and it was a case of me putting in way more effort than he was. We dated for close to a year, broke up, fell out of contact for a few years, then got back in touch and fell right back into it. It lasted for a few months before I ended it, because he had fallen into his old ways which he promised he'd stop doing. I haven't actually spoken to him since, even though the break up wasn't messy at all.

While my situation was probably not completely identical to yours, and while it's totally possible to pick up a relationship for another round and have it actually work out, there are still some things you need to keep in mind. When you're really head over heels for someone, you tend to minimize or outright forget the bad parts of the relationship. When the relationship ends on good/neutral terms, or if you don't get closure, it can be very easy to fall right back into things without taking into consideration why you broke up to begin with. You start to fall in love with the good memories, and you start to romanticize both them and the relationship, because THIS time is going to be different etc. And you know, maybe the second, third, etc. times will be different, but sometimes you also try to force the relationship to work because you're SO invested in getting a relationship to work that died out for a reason(s). Exes can stay in your life, and they can still be very near and dear to you, but sometimes it's just a lot better to keep them as a close friend than to try the relationship again, and ruin everything.
Not to say that's what'll definitely happen to you, but it's worth remembering.

If, down the road, you two feel like you want to try again and think you can actually make it work, then try it. Just make sure you both have a very long chat about it, and don't make excuses for anything if it starts to go downhill again. Keep yourself grounded, and focus on the reality of the relationship in order to keep yourself from falling in love with memories and ideas. Sometimes you need to do a relationship multiple times in order to really get it out of your system in the event it doesn't work, and I get that. I personally wouldn't do it, because from my experience, it ultimately wasn't worth it (and actually made things worse). However, things might be different for you, and it's ultimately your choice to make.

Though for now, I wouldn't even worry about this. This is something that's so far into the future, that thinking about it is only going to give you unneeded stress. It's obviously okay to be upset about a break up, so give yourself like...a day or so to be really sad about it, then move on. Just focus on yourself, and focus on mending your heart.

[Petals]

I'm sorry it didn't work out! ((hugs)) It is really hard to maintain a LDR when you have yet to meet. Some people don't even consider that a 'real' relationship so go figure. I have no experience of this but just wanted to give you a few words of encouragement.

It appears that you were right to end things because he didn't seem too gutted by your decision. It's good that he didn't try to keep you hanging on when he knows he can't give you what you need right now.

Be good to yourself...you will feel better soon

[LurkerEm]

Thanks for the support, girls. I'm definitely not romanticizing him or the relationship (at least at this point). Both have flaws, but both have very big positives as well. And while I do hold him accountable for a lot of the issues at the end, I'm also starting to realize I share some of that responsibility due to the fact that I wasn't communicating what I needed from him/the relationship effectively or even at all really. I think his lack of response was because he was hurt, because his final words before he said goodbye definitely painted a different picture than I would have earlier believed and really at that point he had no reason to say the things he did since I made it clear that I needed space before we couldn't even attempt to talk again.

I'm just starting to feel like I prematurely jumped ship. My rationalizing for it has mostly been "We have problems that are likely fixable if we try, but I've already spent nine months on this relationship and don't want to end up spending more months, finally meet in person, and then have things go poorly." but now I'm starting to feel like "I've already spent nine months on this relationship and, although it needs work, it has brought me a lot of good and personal growth as well. Why wouldn't I see it through no matter the outcome?"

While part of the end of the relationship was due to issues within it, just as large of a part of the end can be attributed to my own insecurities and doubts regarding the distance. I know this is the right choice for me at this point in time, because no matter how fixable the issues are, I'm not in a place where I'm able to do just that at this point. I've already promised myself that I won't reach out for at least a month (if at all) to prevent myself from allowing overwhelming emotions and ideals that are quite possibly just not realistic for me (being long distance and being able to endure it) to make my decision for me.

You're 100% right in that I'm going to need to have clear expectations of things and to not end up getting "SO invested in getting a relationship to work that died out for a reason(s)" that I allow myself to continue it if things end up where they were yet again.

[differentcountries]

I am sorry your relationship came to end. It sounds like the only possible thing. I realize that you are hopeful, but I see his "we might meet again in the future" as meaning "I enjoyed our time, take care" - not actually meaning that you might get together again.

[p_b82]

I have just gone through a very similar thing, and we are trying to work it out - neither of us were happy, but we didn't really want to end it either; for many reasons, but one we are hopelessly in love with each other.

I think it is good that you have had a chance to reflect on things, I have been forced to do that this past week, while being given the silent treatment, and while it hurts, you are able to reassess things at times once you let the emotion slip away a bit and can be rational.

If nothing else, it enables you to avoid making the same mistakes a second time, with the same person, or a different one.

the last post on my thread, I mentioned the difference with listening and hearing, and Talking to/at vs communicating with..... it is such an easy trap to fall into in and LDR if you are not on the same page on something, and then resentment kicks in....

I wish you luck in your healing process, but don't be afraid to admit you have made a mistake either, if you think you have and re-open communication in a more open fashion.

*hugs* I know what you are going through.

[Honour]

Sorry to hear things didn't work out. But aye, as it's been said, you're in good hands/company with us folks here on the forums. We all need someone to vent to, even if these people can be found in the most obscure places

[R&R]

I'm sorry things are over but I am in agreement that you did the right thing. I think in when any relationship is over and you look back on it, there will be the "coulda, shoulda, woulda" syndrome where you replay if you had just done this or that it could have been different....even when you've made 100% the right decision to end it because it just wasn't the right situation for you any more.

Each day it will get better and we are all here for you.

[Unconditional]

No need to apologize. I'm sorry for the end of your relationship but also happy you got a goodbye. Boy this break up brings up some memories of the break up of my last relationship. We didn't get back rogether, that was my choice this time not his, it actually took me a couple months to make that decision because it took him until then to message me when he was plastered and while I knew that in the past he was all that I wanted, him at that moment and me in that moment well I wasn't going to be hurt again. Luckily I recognized my feelings with my current SO not too far after. The world works in mysterious ways, you may or may not work out in the future, who knows. Best of luck to you though =)

[The_gentle_Hart]

You're incredibly strong and brave.

Sometimes the hardest and most important thing we can do is to be honest with ourselves and others. Please remember you're not alone, though! We're here for you whenever you need

[LurkerEm]

I realize that you are hopeful, but I see his "we might meet again in the future" as meaning "I enjoyed our time, take care" - not actually meaning that you might get together again.

I guess I can see how you'd see it as that with how I summarized and such, but within context and how it was actually said, I assure you there is no me being deluded into thinking he meant something he didn't. He basically said that he would most likely end up contacting me again in the future (near future) if only to be friends.


Anyways, thanks again for the input guys. I've spent a lot of time dealing with my feelings/views of this situation today and have decided that it is within my best interest to not go on thinking of reaching out to him again soon and re-establishing any sort of contact as hard as that will be for me. I think I'd like to end it on a note where I can say "Things would've worked out if it was meant to be" and that I don't hate everything our relationship gave to me instead of potentially re-involving myself, coming to regret it as things didn't work our the first time for a reason, and then leaving much more bitter. I guess I will see if I think I'll be able to be friends with him when that time comes if he doesn't end up changing his mind, which is also very possible.

I think we can all agree on one thing- breakups suck.

[Honour]

Indeed, break ups suck. Nothing pleasant about them in the slightest. I will say this, though I'm sure you're aware. Be wary of your feelings and his leading you astray into more hurt. Give yourself time to heal before you even consider another relationship. One of my friends went from one relationship to being in another a short while later, after the previous one fell through, with a friend who helped her through the rough time. The end result was he broke her heart, ran to his ex and left her to pick up the pieces somewhat alone (She had me, though, so she wasn't entirely alone). Time helps heal wounds, but only you can give yourself the time to heal.

[p_b82]

Indeed, break ups suck. Nothing pleasant about them in the slightest. I will say this, though I'm sure you're aware. Be wary of your feelings and his leading you astray into more hurt. Give yourself time to heal before you even consider another relationship. One of my friends went from one relationship to being in another a short while later, after the previous one fell through, with a friend who helped her through the rough time. The end result was he broke her heart, ran to his ex and left her to pick up the pieces somewhat alone (She had me, though, so she wasn't entirely alone). Time helps heal wounds, but only you can give yourself the time to heal.

the rebound situation is all far to common, I have done the same thing, even tho both of us knew it was happening and tried to keep things paired back. she feel for me harder than I did for her, but it is tough to not accept comfort when it is being offered and it is needed most. I've learnt never to get 'too close' to some-one on the rebound now, either myself or another person as one of both parties will just end up getting hurt...

To the OP:
Good luck with moving on, I feel your pain, and hope you meet some-one who will make you happier in due course.