Running into an emotional barrier... Need advice.

[Sweetheart]

Hello Everyone,

I am brand new to LFAD; I actually need advice so I'm going to try and give the necessary details and keep it concise.

I met my boyfriend 8 months ago. It was one of those situations where we immediately knew that we wanted to pursue a relationship. He lives 6 hours from me (400 miles) and initially there was discussion of him moving to Dallas. He realized he wasn't going to be happy moving from family; he was born and raised in Lafayette where they all are. I, however, have moved all my life and currently live hours away from family and many friends. I am fine with that. I can't move to him right now for school reasons. I have looked into every considerable option and it just isn't possible in order for me to finish undergrad in a reasonable time due to particular residency requirements at the campus I would need to go to that has my degree program in Louisiana. Bottom line: I cannot go to Louisiana until May 2017 when I graduate. That is 28 months from now and it will sum up to a total of 3 years long distance dating w/ weekend visits twice a month (minimum).

Although part of me is accepting that I am working my future plans around him and making my goals career/education/location align with his current location (because I understand that some people are very close to their family and need to be close to them geographically), there is another side of me that has feelings which usually don't bother me, but can resurface occasionally and cause us a lot of problems. Basically, I'll just sometimes get really resentful that he won't consider coming to stay here just while I finish school. I look at it like 'I'm committing all the time after that to be where you desire to be, but you can't come here while I finish undergrad.' I think it wasn't as big of a deal until the last couple months where he has been casually mentioning moving to Dallas and how he applied to a position not thinking anything would come of it. It gets frustrating to think that it seems so casual (he calls it patient) to him when up to this point has been very calculated and consisted of me constantly trying to find a way to get to him sooner (and to no avail) which involves changing everything for me. School, work, location, everything.

Well, he has been miserable at his job talking even more about looking for new opportunities, hinting at moving and all of these things and it is just driving me nuts, I guess. It's had me in a bad emotional state and over the last few days, especially I've just felt so mad at him over it and I don't know exactly what triggered this bout. Today he got news that he has a job interview for a position at a different company doing what he's wanted that will be really good for him. He hates his current job with a passion because it is very stressful, so I am truly happy that he could be doing something that will be better for him emotionally and opportunity-wise. I am feeling awful though because even though I'm happy he will be happier if he gets that job, I'm feeling so selfish and disappointed at the same time and it's really making it so difficult to give him the enthusiasm that I feel the occasion warrants. I really just want to get back to accepting that this is how it is going to be for a while and being more optimistic about it, but this is a time where I feel like I care a lot more than he does. When I brought up everything and laid out every reason I was feeling so upset, he said he was with a friend and promised that even though he was busy at the time, he would talk to me about it later that evening and that appreciated it so much that I was trying to give details and make it make sense to him.

Instead of going home and talking to me he went and did every other thing under the sun and by the time he calls me that evening, said he was tired and asked if we could talk about it later. We've been doing great pretty much the entire time we've dated. We're usually able to resolve things easily because we communicate but I suppose this is a larger issue than usual.

Guess I just want to know what you all think and am needing an outsider's perspective. I am starting to withdraw from him and feel like I can't talk about it because I know that the resolution I am wanting is probably not going to happen and nothing that he is going to say is going to make me feel better about it. It's just pretty disappointing and difficult to manage right now. I don't like how it makes me feel toward him and how it makes me close off from him emotionally, but it's getting worse.

Any advice is welcome advice. Maybe someone else has found better resolve in a similar situation that I have been able to.

Thank you in advance.
-Sweetheart

[differentcountries]

Your biggest concern should be to finish your education. You don't have to decide right away what should follow, perhaps planning would even be futile because circumstances change.

My SO did his education until yesterday, and up until the last couple of months we never talked much about what might happen after that. Take one thing at a time.

[whatruckus]

It pretty much just seems like you guys are out of the honeymoon phase. I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years now, we've always been LD, and we'll continue to be LD for at least another 2 - 4 years because I'm in school. I've been in your shoes before, and am currently going through it again. It happens. These feelings always come and go in LDR's. Many people on here have experienced the same things. What you need to do is stay busy, focus on school, friends, work...etc. Find new hobbies. You're dwelling more on the fact that it's going to take a while for you guys to move in together, or at least be closer. It's hard.

You need to express these concerns with your boyfriend. Even if he is tired. Tell him that you need to talk and you don't appreciate being on the back burner right now. LDR's pretty much rely on communication as one of the only ways to make the relationship work. He shouldn't be brushing you off if you're feeling down.

Don't feel so bad about how you feel, it happens. The more you stress about it, the worse it's going to get.

[merlinkitty]

Whenever someone says they're "accepting" that they're having to change their own personal goals in order to suit the lifestyle of someone else it always makes me ask the question, "are you really happy with this?" Now you could nod you head at us and say "oh, yes of course I am!" But I'll let you in on a little secret: Love is not all you need.

The reason you're probably having mixed emotions about his interview is because you know how this translates. He's not moving to you anytime soon. You value your education (which you should! Don't give it up!), but place a lesser value on his work/family situation (which, honestly, is fine too). You should always come first. But the same is true for him. He values his family and his work (or the job he might be getting anyway). He is perfectly valid in his preferences as well. The only difference is he doesn't seem to be pressuring you to quit school and move to him. Good for him! He knows (or should at least) that your finishing school is better in the grand scheme of things.

If you haven't come across this term in economics yet, I'll throw it out there. Opportunity Cost. With every choice you make there is a value lost, an opportunity cost you have to pay. While some sacrifice is inherent in all relationships, make sure your opportunity cost doesn't impact you too greatly.

Right now you're so set on the idea of closing the distance it's consuming you and frustrating you beyond measure, but the choices you have are basically this. 1. Him move to you. He moves away from his comfort zone against his wishes, can't find work, misses his family, and resents you for pressuring him to move when he didn't want to. 2. You move to him and lose your education. You start to realize that bachelor's degree you gave up would make a difference finding a job and getting paid more so you start to resent him for living in a place where you can't find work. 3. No one moves anywhere, you keep your education/work/family balance and continue to see each other when you can. To me, the opportunity cost decision here is super easy. #3 please!

28 months aka 2 years 4 months is not that long. I've known my SO for the same amount of time only we've still never met! But we both know taking care of our business is better for each other in the long run. I always hated it when people said this to me, so I'm sorry, but you're young. You're 22. By the time you finish your degree program the ideas you may have now for what you want to do after school may have changed completely. In two years, his may change completely and he's ready to leave home and try that out.

Short-term, my suggestion is focus on school. Stay in touch with each other, see each other when you can, but take any conversations of immediate moves off the table. It's just going to frustrate and annoy you. Long-term, always remember you don't have to accept the opportunity costs. If, once you graduate, Lafayette isn't for you or have a better opportunity cost, you don't have to move there. Always look out for you first. The rest will sort itself out in time. Just be patient

[Sweetheart]

I appreciate the feedback I've received so far. There are a couple of things that also come into play with my planning to move. Lafayette is only a couple of hours away from a city that I have a lot of family and friends in. To me, the prospect of moving there when I finish school isn't solely dependent on my experience with my SO. I know that any move I make to Louisiana will be better for me. It is just that obviously it would be ideal to plan working towards being with him. He works towards the same goals. He is 30, a veteran of the marines, a college graduate with his degree in finance, committed and stable. I don't doubt that his sights are set on making us work, especially because he isn't the type to lose himself in a notion. We both know that I am the impulsive one (when I am comfortable) but I can also be the one that is most difficult to do something if I feel it is not steady. I don't pressure him to move anymore, I stopped doing that a long time ago. The issue came into play when he began casually bringing it up, mentioning the possibility. I suppose I didn't like having hope dangled in front of me like that. I'd gone from being totally okay with our situation to being hopeful that it could be easier.

I am focused on school, it does come first. Which is why I'm still here and doing it. He does look out for what is best for me and would never dream of letting me quit to move there. I wouldn't do that anyway, BUT I definitely would try to find something else that could work which there wasn't any way to make that happen so I let go of the pursuit and did the next best thing: made sure a plan was involved so that I would see him frequently and consistently. This is something we both needed to have confidence in the relationship surviving. As far as not planning beyond graduation, that is not an option that will work for us. We are both very sensitive about our time and spending it wisely. Neither of us would do this if we didn't have faith that it was going to result in something long-term and stable. We had to determine that if we are, in fact, unable to be closer until I graduate that we have a timeline and a date to look forward to changing that. Neither of us could go into it blindly with no set resolution to the distance issue. We concluded that mutually.

I guess I needed to get that perspective of not letting hope carry me away. I got a little bit and I think I just let the possibility take me too far away. I'm a dreamer.. It happens. It is helping to see the contributing details analyzed by others and is making me feel much more calm about the situation.

[merlinkitty]

I guess I needed to get that perspective of not letting hope carry me away. I got a little bit and I think I just let the possibility take me too far away. I'm a dreamer.. It happens. It is helping to see the contributing details analyzed by others and is making me feel much more calm about the situation.

I've had those moments it's tough. I like your guy for you, even though I know nothing about either of you lol Something about how you described him, he just seemed a little older to me, like I guess there was a surety and calmness to him in your post. It matches well with your drive.

It's nice to dream though. I used to get like that really bad. I would pick up on an idea and just run with it. It would leave me bummed out a lot. So I've kind of learned to take care of my present with an eye to the future and to trust in him that he'll do the same to take care of us. Maybe that's we're you're at too?

[Sweetheart]

I've had those moments it's tough. I like your guy for you, even though I know nothing about either of you lol Something about how you described him, he just seemed a little older to me, like I guess there was a surety and calmness to him in your post. It matches well with your drive.

It's nice to dream though. I used to get like that really bad. I would pick up on an idea and just run with it. It would leave me bummed out a lot. So I've kind of learned to take care of my present with an eye to the future and to trust in him that he'll do the same to take care of us. Maybe that's we're you're at too?

I like my guy, too. A lot. He's very honest about everything which obviously has its good days and its bad days, but it's one of the things I appreciate. He is definitely my anchor and he plays the role of fire extinguisher regularly because he knows how to "reach" me. I think the issue this time was that I was upset about a situation that has no real resolution outside of time and it threw me back into a tumble of emotions that I had decided wasn't worth it before now; I'd been willing to work with the distance as we have been. I guess I was mad because I felt like it should be obvious that mentioning moving to me and then not seriously considering it was playing with my heartstrings and it brought back in that little feeling that it could still be possible. I think he realizes now that I might have taken it more seriously than he intended for me to, but he also knows how hopeful I can be about things. It seems to be a trial and error type of situation. I imagine he won't talk about it anymore, or at least I intend to let him know that it might not be healthy to talk about it unless it is a serious possibility, otherwise it is going to create some unnecessary emotional friction.

You sound a lot like me in that you pick up ideas and run with them. On one side of that quality, there is the benefit of having the relentless drive to reach your goals which has been the key to my success from a younger age. I've always managed to find a way to get what I wanted on my own. On the other hand, you really can end up very disappointed when it involves elements that are simply out of your control, such as people's actions, decisions, etc. In most things in life, I really have learned to just run with it. I trust with every fiber of my being that he is going to be there at the end and I know what he is working towards building on his side for us. We communicate frequently about what we are working towards and it makes me really happy that he is open about working towards the future of us. I think once I fully get back into my mindset of this being how it is and stop playing around with ideas that are unreasonable then I will be back to normal. Mostly, I was beginning to become frightened by how much I felt like withdrawing from him and shutting down. He's been magnificent in getting me to open up/communicate so I think when it seemed like he wasn't making the time, it felt really strange. I am notorious for shutting down and just numbing myself when I get overwhelmed or disappointed and since I'm not really used to doing that anymore, I just had to try and handle all the emotions at once. Very overwhelming. Your post helped me tremendously, though! It comforts me to see other people handling the same types of challenges.