Telling parents?

[ClaryAsuna]

I posted this in the teens section, but I think I may get more advice here...
Hello everyone....so I am 18. I met my SO online, over twitter, nine months ago. We started off as friends before we both opened to each other about how we felt, surprised the other felt the same. I really want to tell my mum about him, of course(my parents are separated and I live with my mum). However, my mum has said time and time again to of all of us, in a general manner that no one can love online, because you don't really know them etc. My SO is also 32..which does not matter to me, really, because what does age matter when your in love? But I just think this would be another reason that she would judge him, and our relationship. She believes that people can't fall in love online as I said, or that they only want you for your body or your money. I know that this is far from what he wants: he has never once asked about my money, and I know from how we talk, Skype and interact that he is not in this for just my body. My SO is also above average weight, which also adds to this sense that if I was to tell, their would be immediate judgement, with a fair share of astonishment and other ugly emotions...I feel really awful...because I am far from the type to keep secrets or lie. And I have talked to my SO about this as well, saying I really hope he understands and does not think I am ashamed of him, because I never was and never will be. No matter what anyone says,he's perfect the way he is. He said he understands, and he hasn't told his parents either(due to his current circumstances he lives at home to take care of his nephew). He told me this was due too how his family would say I am too young for him, and since we haven't met in person, that I don't really know him. I am also afraid since I still live under my mother's rules, that if she found out she would ban me from my technology..and then I would have to get to the library to even talk to him..and we can't Skype there... I keep thinking that it would be far better if we met in person first..then at least he would have credibility as I have met him.I cried over this when we Skyped yesterday, as I just wish I could tell her without all these fears..any help would be lovely..
~xClaryAsunax~

[Honour]

You have my response on the other thread. I can't really add much else except I recently came out and told my mum about my relationship with my SO. Since he's 4 years younger than me, she was a little off-put but I told her what does it matter if I'm happy? Trust me, it's the best feelings. My advice still stands Good luck.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Look, I'm not here to judge anyone else's relationship, but in all honesty, it sounds a little sketchy and I don't blame your mum for being concerned if she is. 14 years is a huge age difference. Sometimes they work, but many times they don't. That in itself is a challenge that you'll have to face if you ever do attempt to close the distance as you are in two totally different parts of your life. I'll leave the rest of that alone though with just that comment.

The only really important thing that I came here to say is that under NO circumstances should you EVER meet someone you've met online without telling someone about it. I don't care if you've been talking for 10 years, you don't really know who it could be. You've heard of catfishing before, right? I am not saying that that is necessarily the case or that you can't fall in love online, but just be safe and smart about it. Make sure others know your plans.

[sweetshay]

People thinking that you cannot fall in love online is typical and there's not much you can do to make her feel otherwise.

As far as the age gap between you and your SO - I've recently had a 23 yr old family member run off and marry a 40 yr old man. I was able to listen to her parents and my parents discuss their dislike of the situation... some of the points the made were what does he want with a young girl, what he does he do for a living, how well do they even know each other, how could they be a good match, what are their future plans for babies and such... and most importantly they made the point that if they ran off and got married behind their backs then the couple knew something about the relationship was wrong - this is why you should not lie to your mom. I was actually at a gathering where he 40 yr old came to meet everyone and he was extremely silent.. that was his chance to show them why he was good for their daughter. Hopefully it's not the same for your SO.

Parents want to know that your well being is not threatened and that you are taken care of and making wise decisions. They don't always understand our decisions and they may never accept the fact that he's 32 and probably could care less whether you think you're in love because on paper it looks bad to them. However the last thing you want to do is go behind their backs and lose the trust of your family. If anything goes wrong in life you need them there for support. They might also feel like not telling them is your SO's fault. It won't be an easy conversation (or it shouldn't be anyway) but be prepared to answer lots of questions and if you can introduce them so they could maybe warm up to him that might be helpful. Parents like putting a name and a face to things.

The only really important thing that I came here to say is that under NO circumstances should you EVER meet someone you've met online without telling someone about it. I don't care if you've been talking for 10 years, you don't really know who it could be. You've heard of catfishing before, right? I am not saying that that is necessarily the case or that you can't fall in love online, but just be safe and smart about it. Make sure others know your plans.

I STRONGLY agree with this. Let someone know, anyone. Tell someone that if you don't text by a certain day or time when you or he visits to tell your parents where you are and what you're doing.

[TaraMarie]

I married a man 22years older than me. Everyone thought he wanted "something " from me. We had three children and were together 30 years. We split up two years ago and he is still a wonderful man, just not for me. We have nothing in common except our children. If my 24 yr old daughter came to me and told me she was in love with an older man, I would advise against it. It usually DOESNT work. We were a fluke. Just be careful.....very careful.

[merlinkitty]

When I was 18 I was a lot dumber than you. I thought 18 meant I could do whatever I wanted. Even if I lived under my parents roof still. You obviously realize there's a difference. But one of the biggest problems that I had with my own parents for many years was the fact that I refuse to tell them the truth about anything that was going on in my life. My mother didn't trust me (with reason I may add!) and still has trouble trusting me on occasion. I didn't make very adult decisions and I went about things very childishly. I was afraid of getting in trouble.

It's time for you to start practicing acting like an adult. And I don't mean this as any kind of an insult to you. It takes years of trial and error and some people never figure it out. If your mom seems to have problems with you dating someone online and even date someone older than what she thinks she should be dating, then you need to try approaching this in a more adult fashion.

Yes, I'm sure when you tell her she'll probably freak out. I don't blame her. Your her baby girl and she doesn't want anything bad to happen to you. Your parents knew you when you couldn't talk, walk, or wipe your butt. They've seen you lie to get out of situations, fudge the truth a bit, and make some really terrible decisions. I hope part of what you learned from that, regardless how much you may disagree with them, is that they try to do what's best for you.

But you also have to understand that hiding him from your family can have a negative impact on your relationship with him. What you're telling him is that your fear of your parents is greater than your proudness of him. This is going to become an obstacle between you and him. Having been a hidden girlfriend myself I can tell you it creates a lot of resentment.

One of my really good friends and my SO I both met online. When I started telling my mother about this she freaked out. Remember I'm 34 years old right now. Mothers freaking out does not change with age. My mom asked me how I knew these people were real? They could be faking it. I acknowledge the truth this, but I also told her that I was living with someone who faked it to my face for 9 years. I reminded her that people lie everyday. It was important to me to discuss this with her to help her understand where I was coming from. Well she may not completely comprehend it, because I took some time to explain it to her as one adult to another, she's more accepting of it.

If you anticipate her disconnecting your internet or other communications to prevent your contacting him, calmly explain to her that you want her to know about him not to cause a row that ends in lies and defiance, but because you thought it was the right thing to do instead of hiding it from her. Listen to what she says. Calmly respond back. Have a conversation with your mom.

I agree with the others for numerous reasons. Don't keep this to yourself. It's never safe to take off to meet someone without telling someone else. I'm not trying to imply this guy is a serial killer. But what I am saying is things can happen while you're out on the road. You need someone to know where you're at so if you go up missing at least they know where you might have been. It's just smarter, coming from the girl who took off to Mexico without telling her mom I'm not going to ape on you about the age difference. I think everyone else has said it. Just be smart and help your mom to see you as the adult you're becoming

[ClaryAsuna]

Thank you all for your advice! I forget to say this in my first post, but I would NEVER go to another country, or anywhere, without my mum knowing! That would be pure idiocy. These replies are helpful and I appreciate them As for me being more scared of my mum than proud of him, I am more proud of him. I've cried when we've Skyped more than once over this issue, telling him I hope he understands and that he must no I am not hiding it because I am ashamed of him, moreso out of fear of retribution. So many times I've come close to opening up..but then I get very very nervous and the words won't come :/. I suppose this is because I am more of a shy and reserved person, but I agree with all of all, I can't hide this forever, and I won't. I don't want to lie to my family, honesty is important. I'm just trying to find the best way I could approach this without it turning into World War Three, if possible.

As for the age difference...as I said it hasn't ever bothered me. Of course I understand that we are at different stages in our lives. He works to own a living, and looks after his nephew to, while I'm still living at home and in school(college atm ). We have discussed things such as having kids, and he agreed to wait until I am ready, if we make it too that stage. I knew going into this that there was going to be judgement because of the age difference, but it didn't put me off. I love him, and he loves me. Maybe we won't last ten or twenty years. Or maybe we'll last fifty. I thank you all for you concern, I understand where you are coming from . I've been in bad relationships in the past..where I was controlled and treated like property, and he has had some bad relationships too. We are open and honest with each other, and we take it one day as a time.

I hope that when the day does come I open up about him(which will be sooner rather than later, he is a big part of my life after all), that the discussion can be civil rather than accusations and judgements flying around. My mum is a civil and nice person, this would just be shocking for her I think, I don't want to through all of this at her at once, which is why I like Honour's suggestion of slowly dropping hints. It is also worth mentioning that I do suffer from anxiety, and panic attacks.

All this advice has really helped me, thank you all . I will be careful and as I said, would always let my mum and/or my dad know where I was. If anyone has anyone more advice about how to do this that would be lovely
~xClaryAsunax~