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The whole story - please help me

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    The whole story - please help me

    What am I doing?
    Guys this will be very long and probably boring for you. But I would love if you could read and help a friend out.

    Me – 27 year old, living in London, lawyer Her – 26 year old med student in MI

    May 2013 - Background – met a girl online in a gay chat room, talked to her on yahoo messenger everyday for a few months. Eventually swapped numbers and started texting all day every day. She had never been with a girl but always knew she was curious, she was previously able to ignore her feelings because she never told anyone, met anyone who she truly liked and the biggest reason – religion. She strongly believes its against her faith to be with someone of the same sex. We skyped and talked often.

    January 2014 – We were planning to meet, plans got cancelled due to mutual freak out.
    The rest of the month was spent me crying, us talking everyday, just trying to figure a way out in all of this. We both clearly have fallen hard, have so much mutual love and respect for one another. But she knows she can’t do this.

    February 2014 – I got to Egypt on holiday for a week and it was the first time we didn't have constant contact, I come back home to England and she admitted the week away from me has broken the intensity and she’s come to realise how demanding her career/studies are and that needs to be her focus. I’m so upset but what do. We still talk every day, some how her hearts turned to stone.

    March 2014- I go to Spain for my birthday with my cousins, a few days before we leave, we realise we need to end this, maybe just go cold turkey. I miss her like crazy but even I hate that I love someone who would never choose me. Spain and partying helps. On my birthday we miss the flight home and have to rebook flights for the next day, find a hotel etc. when we do get to the room I'm stressed out. I break and text her. She says happy birthday and asks why I’ve contacted her. We basically fight because she said she realised with the few days space that over the past 10 months she’s been my shrink and what do I really bring to the table. I am SHOCKED. I am so helpful and supportive of her. It ends up being late, we stop texting and sleep.
    The next day, fly home.
    The day after I go to work so angry, how could she question the benefits of having me in her life?! I write an email but never send it. Just writing it makes me feel better.
    That night she contacts me, says she wasn’t sure how things were left after our last convo. I tell her I wrote my feelings down and now I feel fine, indifferent, don’t need help.
    She completely changes her view point, I guess the past few months I’d been so needy so clingy so upset that by me being like honey I don’t care. Kinda was like the old cocky confident me. And she was in to me all over again.
    The next couple months were her being more open, getting to know each other, fun.

    May 2014 – we were due to meet. I’m not out to my family so hadn’t told them about her or my plans, my mum and brother decided to visit Detroit at the same time I was thinking of going. I have family there.
    I told her I felt terrible, I couldn’t go there when not only my aunts and uncles and 9 cousins were 10 minutes away, but also my mum and brother!!

    We fell out, had a few days of low communication. June was her birthday I did send a present.

    July- everything back to normal, things are good, still head over heels, we both tried a few dates with others, when I asked her about hers she said “I couldn't get u out of my head”

    September – we decide we have to meet, even if we can’t be, we want to meet just to see what we’re walking away from. To actually be in each others company, September 11th I fly over. I go for 5 days, the first evening was awkward for her but I was so tired that I didn't notice it. We spend the following day being so happy and comfortable, felt like we were the best of friends with obvious attraction, the rest of the days were us acting like a couple. The best.

    October – I fly out for 3 days, when I leave hers I leave annoyed. Because here I am spending all this money, days off from work, I even bought so many Indian ingredients to cook her an amazing Indian meal and she had the cheek to ask me if I’d take a cab to the airport. However she did ask me previous to me going there and I ignored it even though I was bothered by it. Some point during the last day she told me don’t even think about the cab, I’ll take you. So I felt better but then she slept SOOO early. And I took that as, she’s prioritising sleep because she has to wake up early to take me to the airport, in my eyes not cool.

    When I get back we talk it out, I feel a bit let down, distant. We had plans to meet up again 10 days later, me flying over again because she couldn’t meet all of Nov and Dec. I’m the primary carer for my brother and because my other brother who was meant to take care of him for me cancelled. I couldn’t go. I felt so worried because I thought she’d be mad. And she assured me she wouldn’t break up with me over this. But she did. She said the distance was too much. I was so upset, how could I have been so stupid? Why am in love with someone incapable of loving me. I spent each day working as hard as I could then every weekend doing things with friends. I was a mess.

    After a week of NC, I break and contact her. She knows how much she’s hurt me, I’m cold and distant and upset but I love this girl. Spending those 2 trips with her make me realise I have it so bad. She is the perfect person for me, smart, beautiful, independent, well rounded, travels a lot like me.

    Nov/ dec
    We get close again, we talk a lot and decide we want to give this another shot. We’re so in to each other, we talk every day, she really is my best friend. We decide we need to cater to both of our needs, I want this, so does she, but the guilt from her religion makes it too difficult. She can’t commit openly or forever so we compromise on a date. End of September 2015 we WILL end this.

    January 2015
    I go over to her for a week, the best week of my life. I feel like because she’s reached a decision in her head, “yes I’m going to sin but by September I will end this” She’s let go and let herself fall. The week was perfect, we both don’t have a single regret and never once felt anything but immense love for each other. We spent the time lounging about, going to fancy restaurants, cooking for each other, fooling around, she told me she had no idea what a dork I was. It was the best, on my last day she promised to be more giving, to compromise more and give this her everything (until sep) and cater to my needs because she wants to make me happy

    Present day –
    I love her so much I feel I can’t think beyond her, yes the distance sucks but its manageable, I hope to fly over in 10 days, then again in March for my birthday and in April she’s coming here for 10 days… but today I also feel like what am I doing? Each visit and each day spent with her close distance or long makes me love her even more. How hard will sep be?
    I don’t know what I’m thinking…
    Am I deep down hoping she changes her mind after experiencing more of this
    Am I wanting some happiness with the love of my life because its better than nothing?

    I can’t think beyond her, the funny thing is, she isn’t super duper lovey dovey or anything. The majority of our conversations are interesting debates or opinions on things.
    I know this is my side only and I know how much she is battling the religion factor; I literally see it tear her apart. I know she loves me and I know how much effort she is making. She tells me she loves me all the time, she has definitely learnt to compromise and be an amazing gf. Maybe I’m just having an off day. I know she has never experienced something like this before and how happy I make her.

    She's not a bad person, in fact she's the best. I mean even yesterday she worked outdoors at a food bank. I love the person she is, I just hope i'm not making her come across as mean or nasty. She truly isn't. Any time that her actions have been harsh its because of her guilt

    #2
    I have never been in a relationship with a set expiration date. How can you fully give yourself to someone who has one foot outside the door? While, yes, you're having fun until September, you're setting yourself up for pain between now and then. What if she doesn't change her mind? If her religion is important to her, she may not be able to move passed that. Good luck

    Comment


      #3
      A relationship with an expiraton date is just an affair. No true relationship as a set date, or the starting point that this will end.
      I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
      - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



      "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

      Comment


        #4
        This was a little long for me to read, but I got the gist from the replies. This reminds me of my SO's friend's (and I guess they're my friends too) relationship. She gave him a 5 year deadline from the time they started dating to when she wanted a ring (so my SO told me, it's his Army buddy and his girl). Needless to say, they're broken up now. I don't know how long they were actually together for (I think a few years, they were dating a couple years before me and my SO met), but I know their relationship was also full of drama and lots of break ups. They moved in together after 2 weeks of dating.

        I don't understand the point of those types of relationships/people. That constant pressure. It's stupid.

        Comment


          #5
          I remember you posting from before. Honestly, considering there's an end date for the relationship and you've cut contact a few times, why keep putting yourself through that? Amazing person or not, I wouldn't keep allowing my heart to get ripped out by a single person because of love. I would end it. It would hurt, but finding outside support and ways to move on will help the heartache. Why prolong it?
          When two hearts are meant for each other, no distance is too far,
          no time is too long, and no other love can break them apart.

          Comment


            #6
            TL: DR - Her gf feels guilty about being with a girl (OP) due to her religion. She is hot and cold. They love each other but her gf can't commit to being with her and they have decided that it will end in September but will keep seeing each other until then.

            Comment


              #7
              I would feel so dirty staying in the relationship if someone wanted to leave me soon.
              I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
              - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



              "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

              Comment


                #8
                Originally posted by S41r4 View Post
                I go over to her for a week, the best week of my life. I feel like because she’s reached a decision in her head, “yes I’m going to sin but by September I will end this” ...but today I also feel like what am I doing? Each visit and each day spent with her close distance or long makes me love her even more. How hard will sep be?
                I don’t know what I’m thinking…
                I'll be frank with you. You need to take back control over this relationship. She has all the power in her hands and she's being irresponsible with it. Harmful even. I'm sure she's a great person. Which makes this even more hurtful. She doesn't understand the power she has over you. That's what makes this situation so much worse.

                Here's what I see is going on. You're gay. You're comfortable with who you are and are looking for someone to spend your life with. She is confused. She's using you right now to experiment. She cares about you obviously, but she's using you to discover something about herself that her religion deems to be a sin and a choice. How is this fair to you?

                I would be tempted to tell her something to this effect: "I care about you. What I'm saying doesn't change that. But the expiration date needs to go. I care about myself, too, and don't want to set myself up for immeasurable hurt if you decide to end things in September." I'm not one for ultimatums, but I think this is one of those exceptions. She either needs to be in this relationship 100% or you need to allow yourself to move on and find someone who can be with you all the way.
                "Sometimes you just have to let art flow over you."

                Comment


                  #9
                  Originally posted by randomnerd View Post
                  TL: DR - Her gf feels guilty about being with a girl (OP) due to her religion. She is hot and cold. They love each other but her gf can't commit to being with her and they have decided that it will end in September but will keep seeing each other until then.
                  In opinion, it's like, what's the point of even being in a relationship? You're pretty much just fooling yourselves, plus it's already doomed to end. I feel like she's just stringing you along until the end.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    I just don't call this a relationship, a relationship isn't supposed to have an expiration date you are both suppose to work to make sure there never is one and yet she want it to end in September? How can you fall in love with someone who gives you a date at which you have to be out of their life with?! This to me is just insane.
                    "We are beings attracted to the essence of hope, and life is the all encompassing hope that everything can change; that everything can be better."

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Yeah I hate to say this but I don't think she's going to change her mind. She seems to be very religious and her faith is obviously very important to her. It's really hard almost impossible even to change your mind over something you've believed in so long, and religion is one of those things. I agree with merlinkitty. She's just using you to experiment with you. It'll be hard but you gradually need to distance yourself from her and end things. This relationship is not going in your favor.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Originally posted by Unconditional View Post
                        I just don't call this a relationship, a relationship isn't supposed to have an expiration date you are both suppose to work to make sure there never is one and yet she want it to end in September? How can you fall in love with someone who gives you a date at which you have to be out of their life with?! This to me is just insane.
                        I thought it was insane too. Not gonna even apologise for being blunt with this OP, but GTFO of this relationship. SHE. IS. DESTROYING. YOU. FROM. THE. INSIDE. OUT. Is that what you want??

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Originally posted by Honour View Post
                          I thought it was insane too. Not gonna even apologise for being blunt with this OP, but GTFO of this relationship. SHE. IS. DESTROYING. YOU. FROM. THE. INSIDE. OUT. Is that what you want??
                          THIS.

                          I agree except I, for the life of me can't really accept the fact that this is a relationship! Like, it's not really one. And I hate saying that because I feel like I'm judging, and who am I to judge someone's relationship but, that's my opinion.
                          Last edited by Unconditional; January 28, 2015, 01:36 PM.
                          "We are beings attracted to the essence of hope, and life is the all encompassing hope that everything can change; that everything can be better."

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Of course people can change opinions, including in religion, but the way she goes about things doesn't sound like someone who is in a process of changing their mind, in fact the deal you guys made are in accordance with her "weaning herself off you", like a bad cigarette. Your relationship is to her like the nicotine in the lounges of a fed up smoker. She may crave you but that doesn't mean she likes you.
                            t
                            I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
                            - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



                            "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

                            Comment


                              #15
                              I think you are setting yourself up to get hurt BAD by this.... a date to do something like close the distance is one thing, but a date that if she doesn't reconcile her inner daemons it is all over.....

                              I thought I was giving my GF a lot of power in our relationship, but that takes it to another level.....

                              Whatever route you take to try to sort things out, is going to end in a lot of hurt for you I fear

                              Comment

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