What am I doing?
Guys this will be very long and probably boring for you. But I would love if you could read and help a friend out.
Me – 27 year old, living in London, lawyer Her – 26 year old med student in MI
May 2013 - Background – met a girl online in a gay chat room, talked to her on yahoo messenger everyday for a few months. Eventually swapped numbers and started texting all day every day. She had never been with a girl but always knew she was curious, she was previously able to ignore her feelings because she never told anyone, met anyone who she truly liked and the biggest reason – religion. She strongly believes its against her faith to be with someone of the same sex. We skyped and talked often.
January 2014 – We were planning to meet, plans got cancelled due to mutual freak out.
The rest of the month was spent me crying, us talking everyday, just trying to figure a way out in all of this. We both clearly have fallen hard, have so much mutual love and respect for one another. But she knows she can’t do this.
February 2014 – I got to Egypt on holiday for a week and it was the first time we didn't have constant contact, I come back home to England and she admitted the week away from me has broken the intensity and she’s come to realise how demanding her career/studies are and that needs to be her focus. I’m so upset but what do. We still talk every day, some how her hearts turned to stone.
March 2014- I go to Spain for my birthday with my cousins, a few days before we leave, we realise we need to end this, maybe just go cold turkey. I miss her like crazy but even I hate that I love someone who would never choose me. Spain and partying helps. On my birthday we miss the flight home and have to rebook flights for the next day, find a hotel etc. when we do get to the room I'm stressed out. I break and text her. She says happy birthday and asks why I’ve contacted her. We basically fight because she said she realised with the few days space that over the past 10 months she’s been my shrink and what do I really bring to the table. I am SHOCKED. I am so helpful and supportive of her. It ends up being late, we stop texting and sleep.
The next day, fly home.
The day after I go to work so angry, how could she question the benefits of having me in her life?! I write an email but never send it. Just writing it makes me feel better.
That night she contacts me, says she wasn’t sure how things were left after our last convo. I tell her I wrote my feelings down and now I feel fine, indifferent, don’t need help.
She completely changes her view point, I guess the past few months I’d been so needy so clingy so upset that by me being like honey I don’t care. Kinda was like the old cocky confident me. And she was in to me all over again.
The next couple months were her being more open, getting to know each other, fun.
May 2014 – we were due to meet. I’m not out to my family so hadn’t told them about her or my plans, my mum and brother decided to visit Detroit at the same time I was thinking of going. I have family there.
I told her I felt terrible, I couldn’t go there when not only my aunts and uncles and 9 cousins were 10 minutes away, but also my mum and brother!!
We fell out, had a few days of low communication. June was her birthday I did send a present.
July- everything back to normal, things are good, still head over heels, we both tried a few dates with others, when I asked her about hers she said “I couldn't get u out of my head”
September – we decide we have to meet, even if we can’t be, we want to meet just to see what we’re walking away from. To actually be in each others company, September 11th I fly over. I go for 5 days, the first evening was awkward for her but I was so tired that I didn't notice it. We spend the following day being so happy and comfortable, felt like we were the best of friends with obvious attraction, the rest of the days were us acting like a couple. The best.
October – I fly out for 3 days, when I leave hers I leave annoyed. Because here I am spending all this money, days off from work, I even bought so many Indian ingredients to cook her an amazing Indian meal and she had the cheek to ask me if I’d take a cab to the airport. However she did ask me previous to me going there and I ignored it even though I was bothered by it. Some point during the last day she told me don’t even think about the cab, I’ll take you. So I felt better but then she slept SOOO early. And I took that as, she’s prioritising sleep because she has to wake up early to take me to the airport, in my eyes not cool.
When I get back we talk it out, I feel a bit let down, distant. We had plans to meet up again 10 days later, me flying over again because she couldn’t meet all of Nov and Dec. I’m the primary carer for my brother and because my other brother who was meant to take care of him for me cancelled. I couldn’t go. I felt so worried because I thought she’d be mad. And she assured me she wouldn’t break up with me over this. But she did. She said the distance was too much. I was so upset, how could I have been so stupid? Why am in love with someone incapable of loving me. I spent each day working as hard as I could then every weekend doing things with friends. I was a mess.
After a week of NC, I break and contact her. She knows how much she’s hurt me, I’m cold and distant and upset but I love this girl. Spending those 2 trips with her make me realise I have it so bad. She is the perfect person for me, smart, beautiful, independent, well rounded, travels a lot like me.
Nov/ dec
We get close again, we talk a lot and decide we want to give this another shot. We’re so in to each other, we talk every day, she really is my best friend. We decide we need to cater to both of our needs, I want this, so does she, but the guilt from her religion makes it too difficult. She can’t commit openly or forever so we compromise on a date. End of September 2015 we WILL end this.
January 2015
I go over to her for a week, the best week of my life. I feel like because she’s reached a decision in her head, “yes I’m going to sin but by September I will end this” She’s let go and let herself fall. The week was perfect, we both don’t have a single regret and never once felt anything but immense love for each other. We spent the time lounging about, going to fancy restaurants, cooking for each other, fooling around, she told me she had no idea what a dork I was. It was the best, on my last day she promised to be more giving, to compromise more and give this her everything (until sep) and cater to my needs because she wants to make me happy
Present day –
I love her so much I feel I can’t think beyond her, yes the distance sucks but its manageable, I hope to fly over in 10 days, then again in March for my birthday and in April she’s coming here for 10 days… but today I also feel like what am I doing? Each visit and each day spent with her close distance or long makes me love her even more. How hard will sep be?
I don’t know what I’m thinking…
Am I deep down hoping she changes her mind after experiencing more of this
Am I wanting some happiness with the love of my life because its better than nothing?
I can’t think beyond her, the funny thing is, she isn’t super duper lovey dovey or anything. The majority of our conversations are interesting debates or opinions on things.
I know this is my side only and I know how much she is battling the religion factor; I literally see it tear her apart. I know she loves me and I know how much effort she is making. She tells me she loves me all the time, she has definitely learnt to compromise and be an amazing gf. Maybe I’m just having an off day. I know she has never experienced something like this before and how happy I make her.
She's not a bad person, in fact she's the best. I mean even yesterday she worked outdoors at a food bank. I love the person she is, I just hope i'm not making her come across as mean or nasty. She truly isn't. Any time that her actions have been harsh its because of her guilt
Guys this will be very long and probably boring for you. But I would love if you could read and help a friend out.
Me – 27 year old, living in London, lawyer Her – 26 year old med student in MI
May 2013 - Background – met a girl online in a gay chat room, talked to her on yahoo messenger everyday for a few months. Eventually swapped numbers and started texting all day every day. She had never been with a girl but always knew she was curious, she was previously able to ignore her feelings because she never told anyone, met anyone who she truly liked and the biggest reason – religion. She strongly believes its against her faith to be with someone of the same sex. We skyped and talked often.
January 2014 – We were planning to meet, plans got cancelled due to mutual freak out.
The rest of the month was spent me crying, us talking everyday, just trying to figure a way out in all of this. We both clearly have fallen hard, have so much mutual love and respect for one another. But she knows she can’t do this.
February 2014 – I got to Egypt on holiday for a week and it was the first time we didn't have constant contact, I come back home to England and she admitted the week away from me has broken the intensity and she’s come to realise how demanding her career/studies are and that needs to be her focus. I’m so upset but what do. We still talk every day, some how her hearts turned to stone.
March 2014- I go to Spain for my birthday with my cousins, a few days before we leave, we realise we need to end this, maybe just go cold turkey. I miss her like crazy but even I hate that I love someone who would never choose me. Spain and partying helps. On my birthday we miss the flight home and have to rebook flights for the next day, find a hotel etc. when we do get to the room I'm stressed out. I break and text her. She says happy birthday and asks why I’ve contacted her. We basically fight because she said she realised with the few days space that over the past 10 months she’s been my shrink and what do I really bring to the table. I am SHOCKED. I am so helpful and supportive of her. It ends up being late, we stop texting and sleep.
The next day, fly home.
The day after I go to work so angry, how could she question the benefits of having me in her life?! I write an email but never send it. Just writing it makes me feel better.
That night she contacts me, says she wasn’t sure how things were left after our last convo. I tell her I wrote my feelings down and now I feel fine, indifferent, don’t need help.
She completely changes her view point, I guess the past few months I’d been so needy so clingy so upset that by me being like honey I don’t care. Kinda was like the old cocky confident me. And she was in to me all over again.
The next couple months were her being more open, getting to know each other, fun.
May 2014 – we were due to meet. I’m not out to my family so hadn’t told them about her or my plans, my mum and brother decided to visit Detroit at the same time I was thinking of going. I have family there.
I told her I felt terrible, I couldn’t go there when not only my aunts and uncles and 9 cousins were 10 minutes away, but also my mum and brother!!
We fell out, had a few days of low communication. June was her birthday I did send a present.
July- everything back to normal, things are good, still head over heels, we both tried a few dates with others, when I asked her about hers she said “I couldn't get u out of my head”
September – we decide we have to meet, even if we can’t be, we want to meet just to see what we’re walking away from. To actually be in each others company, September 11th I fly over. I go for 5 days, the first evening was awkward for her but I was so tired that I didn't notice it. We spend the following day being so happy and comfortable, felt like we were the best of friends with obvious attraction, the rest of the days were us acting like a couple. The best.
October – I fly out for 3 days, when I leave hers I leave annoyed. Because here I am spending all this money, days off from work, I even bought so many Indian ingredients to cook her an amazing Indian meal and she had the cheek to ask me if I’d take a cab to the airport. However she did ask me previous to me going there and I ignored it even though I was bothered by it. Some point during the last day she told me don’t even think about the cab, I’ll take you. So I felt better but then she slept SOOO early. And I took that as, she’s prioritising sleep because she has to wake up early to take me to the airport, in my eyes not cool.
When I get back we talk it out, I feel a bit let down, distant. We had plans to meet up again 10 days later, me flying over again because she couldn’t meet all of Nov and Dec. I’m the primary carer for my brother and because my other brother who was meant to take care of him for me cancelled. I couldn’t go. I felt so worried because I thought she’d be mad. And she assured me she wouldn’t break up with me over this. But she did. She said the distance was too much. I was so upset, how could I have been so stupid? Why am in love with someone incapable of loving me. I spent each day working as hard as I could then every weekend doing things with friends. I was a mess.
After a week of NC, I break and contact her. She knows how much she’s hurt me, I’m cold and distant and upset but I love this girl. Spending those 2 trips with her make me realise I have it so bad. She is the perfect person for me, smart, beautiful, independent, well rounded, travels a lot like me.
Nov/ dec
We get close again, we talk a lot and decide we want to give this another shot. We’re so in to each other, we talk every day, she really is my best friend. We decide we need to cater to both of our needs, I want this, so does she, but the guilt from her religion makes it too difficult. She can’t commit openly or forever so we compromise on a date. End of September 2015 we WILL end this.
January 2015
I go over to her for a week, the best week of my life. I feel like because she’s reached a decision in her head, “yes I’m going to sin but by September I will end this” She’s let go and let herself fall. The week was perfect, we both don’t have a single regret and never once felt anything but immense love for each other. We spent the time lounging about, going to fancy restaurants, cooking for each other, fooling around, she told me she had no idea what a dork I was. It was the best, on my last day she promised to be more giving, to compromise more and give this her everything (until sep) and cater to my needs because she wants to make me happy
Present day –
I love her so much I feel I can’t think beyond her, yes the distance sucks but its manageable, I hope to fly over in 10 days, then again in March for my birthday and in April she’s coming here for 10 days… but today I also feel like what am I doing? Each visit and each day spent with her close distance or long makes me love her even more. How hard will sep be?
I don’t know what I’m thinking…
Am I deep down hoping she changes her mind after experiencing more of this
Am I wanting some happiness with the love of my life because its better than nothing?
I can’t think beyond her, the funny thing is, she isn’t super duper lovey dovey or anything. The majority of our conversations are interesting debates or opinions on things.
I know this is my side only and I know how much she is battling the religion factor; I literally see it tear her apart. I know she loves me and I know how much effort she is making. She tells me she loves me all the time, she has definitely learnt to compromise and be an amazing gf. Maybe I’m just having an off day. I know she has never experienced something like this before and how happy I make her.
She's not a bad person, in fact she's the best. I mean even yesterday she worked outdoors at a food bank. I love the person she is, I just hope i'm not making her come across as mean or nasty. She truly isn't. Any time that her actions have been harsh its because of her guilt
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