Nurse-married in LDR for ten years!

[Teary girl]

Hi to every one! I actually joined this forum because im totally bored and i need opinions from others that could really help me get through it.

I was married since 2001 and until now im still in the place that i could say i was trapped due to financial constraints of my family, i need to stay this much years. I am happily married before at early age 22 and i had my first child at same age.

I stayed with my hubby 3 years then i left from my on country after, i went abroad to work as a nurse and i left my husband and my son...being apart off course it was really terrible for both of us until such time that he needs to live also from our country, he worked in a ship and there communication started to become difficult for us because at times we need to communicate but either me or he is buzy and the signal is not that good because he is the sea most of the time..

Every year we are seeing each other going home to our country to be with our son...then i got another child a baby girl last 2009...from that year we were not able to make it to go home and see each other so it tooks 4 years for us to be seperated with lot of issues like 3rd party issues, girls, money, everything....its was so cruel for us...we got our own clings and entered to other serious relationships while we both are not communicating and fighting over and over....

4 years after, i decided to fix the marriage and i succeeded....whatever relationship i had i ended everything just for the marriage to work out but he was forced to ended also his relationship with another girl but he has still communication with her anytime he wanted too.

We met in our country last year after 4 years and we agreed on some issues, forgiving each other and starting over again but now its going to be one year since we agreed to settle down, his job is the same and my job also the same as before, we are still on LDR until now.....
One month ago it came to my surprise that the TRUST that was been broken before still the same....he is always doubting on me thus makes me doubt on him also...pretty much my job and his job is so stressful and yet our LDR marriage still making us more stressful...we cant reach the expectation of both parties thus making us more having disappointments in life....
The issues before we are still ok is somewhat a cycle now...its coming the same as before....now im so confused what to do now....once and for all i want to be happy even though my job is so stressful, i cant give up on my career because im supporting my sister and my family off course..financially im not ready to give up my career because i need to pay all the depths that i had...do i need to give up my career for him to be satisfied with me, do i need to give up my life for him...i don't have life by the way...i don't have the freedom for myself..i am in a LDR but i dont have that freedom to grow more because im afraid that my husband will doubt on me again and again so im limiting myself from going out and enjoy my personal life outside my job..im always in my room chatting with friends eating together but im afraid to go outside hospital compoud....but despite of doing everything, still he got the chances to have doubt on me again and again thus making me more irritated because of repeated words of him....

My point is ..we had both mistakes in the past and yet we decided to forgive ad fix the marriage but why we cant trust each other again..why he agreed to fix the marriage if he cannot trust me again, the near fact that we are in LDR again and again!

Please i need your comments or opinions to help me view more of our situation!..thank you so much guys!

[merlinkitty]

First off, welcome to LFAD!

Trust, once broken, is difficult to repair. It sounds like you've both done some hurt to each other. From your post it doesn't sound like you're having trust issues. Only him?

When you got back together you agreed to put the past behind you, except he really hasn't. He's harboring some lingering issues.

You know your situation better, but for me, the control issues he's holding over you wouldn't sit well with me. I don't always like to be in charge, and I consent to release some control to my SO. I do not consent a release where it regards my career and personal relationships, however. From past hurt I realize how important it is to me to maintain friendships and career.

You should never isolate yourself to appease the insecurities of another. This is how they can bully you to the point of abuse. Your career is important too. It's helping you support yourself and your family. Two majorly important aspects and he should recognize this.

Perhaps you need to have another serious discussion with him about trust and your expectations on how your relationship will work in future. He needs to decide if he's going to trust you or not. If he can't, that would be the end of it for me. I wouldn't want to live a life of walking on eggshells and constantly apologizing and adjusting my own behavior to suit someone else's insecurities. That's abuse, if you ask me, and not a loving relationship. Why should he not be expected to change some of his negative behavior as well? You don't have to shoulder the burden of changing to suit him if he's not willing to do the same for you.

I'm not sure where the children fall in all of this, if they're with you or him, and that adds another level of complications to your situation. But I think you need to have an honest conversation with yourself. I don't like you're cutting off your personal life and thinking of cutting off your career to suit him. To me, this just reeks of an emotionally abusive situation. Sorry to be so blunt, but from what you've told us so far, that's how it looks to me. You can't live a happy life in a constant state of apology.

[Teary girl]

Thank you so much for your great opinions and advises! this was actually my situation before, issues about money make him upset especially because i have a better salary than him and now it happens again..same issues as before..that was the start of doubting on me.

Im so confused what shall i do...as if im begging for him all the time..i dont know if i am stupid enough not to recognize that our relationship is not healthy anymore..im afraid too of loosing him...but i feel so much pitty for myself whenever my friends tell me that im a martyr wife! i dont like to disappoint my kids again for the second time although im supporting my kids ever since..im sharing a higher amount for our family than him...and i even support his family sometimes and helping him to send his two brothers to college...and they are living all with my parents..and my kids too are with my parents.

I had a doubt too with him before he left for work last August but i told myself to shut down all those doubts because its not healthy at all but its so unfortunate for me that those doubts was all true which came out from the mouth of the 3rd party girl...it was so painful for me but i tried to forget everything after talking to him just for the sake of the marriage but he himself cannot stop talking about his doubts on me so i was so fed up on him now and im starting to fight with him because after all this time he is showing to me on not having trust after all...emotionally im so depressed and very much confused.

With all your opinions im so very thankful because your really helping me realize what life and marriage i have with my situation..surely i will follow your advise to discuss to him clearly of any chance to get back his trust issues on me...were planning to go home this month of May 2015 and hopefully he will get the chance to go home during my vacation.

Thank you for being so frank on me and i appreciate much! hope to hear more from you and other members.

[merlinkitty]

You're welcome! I did wonder if he'd had a set back with someone else. The only time I've ever been accused of sleeping around was by someone who was doing it themself. He sounds like he's got some jealousy issues with your work and pay grade being higher?

Your situation is a lot more involved than I realized with the family and such. I don't think you're stupid at all. I think you're very perceptive, but maybe not quite wanting to start dealing with what you already know. I grew up in a household that probably should have divorced but didn't because my mom wanted to stay together for us, the kids. Don't use the kids as reason to stay with him entirely. That causes issues in itself as well.

I like you have your own friends who give you opinions about this situation as well. That's why it's so important not to shut yourself off for him. They're part of your support system