Can't Stop Worrying About Upcoming Visit

[Hitomi]

Given how I can't stop worrying for the worst that can possibly happen, and I don't have anyone around who may give me advice or encouragement, I've decided to type this here. I know I must be worrying for nothing, but I honestly cannot help it and trying to pull myself together is something I simply can't do right now.

Okay, it's like this.

So, it's officially confirmed that I'll be back in NY on Feb. 16th as vacation from work. Due to this, my boyfriend is planning to fly to NY from CA to visit me for a few days, starting Feb. 19th.

Given that we've been together for ten years as of Dec. 1st, there's a huge possibility that I'll be engaged. Perhaps, it's already been confirmed since my boyfriend has told me his parents already gave their blessings (though, keep in mind, the proposal hasn't happened).

...Now, it's just my side of the family that I'm agonizing about. Hence the worrying part.

I'm not worried about my dad. In fact, I already know he'll accept it with no problems.

My mom, on the other hand, is another story altogether.

She's been rather... to put it best, lukewarm about my relationship. Probably neutral. I'm not entirely sure what she thinks about it and I feel it's best not to ask. All I can tell are from some hints she gives, but the problem is she tends to be so... two-faced about it. Like, one moment, she's asking if I'm still with him; the next moment, perhaps this may be when she's in a bad mood, she makes a not so subtle hint on how I'm better off with another man. This happens every once in a blue moon since my relationship is hardly a subject to talk about when we're catching up with other things.

Right now, she hasn't given any input about my relationship lately, especially when I told her recently my boyfriend will be visiting once I come home. Yet I can't help but just worry about her silence about it, like it's a ticking bomb that's gonna explode when my boyfriend will ask my parents for my hand in marriage.

Why don't I just talk to her, you may ask. Nope. I know I can't. Be it when I'm abroad or physically near her, I just can't. I've tried my best in trying to bring up at least the subject of engagement and marriage, but it just won't come out. We're talking about the woman who forbade me from visiting him if I ever brought up traveling alone to see him (even though it is supposed to be my turn to visit him) yet she's allowing him to visit me. I feel she's doing that, so she can have some control over me one way or the other, especially if I want to stay out late.

I know I seem like a coward right now, but I've been stressing out about this lately. I'm supposed to be looking forward to this yet I feel like an emotional wreck.

It's been years since my boyfriend and I last saw each other. I want to enjoy whatever little time I have with him before I go abroad again. Still, I can't stop my mind from wandering into dark places.

Please don't be harsh. All I ask is for some advice... and for some encouragement...

Thank you for reading all of this.

[merlinkitty]

The only advice I have is a question and a suggestion. You don't provide much back story on your SO or why your mom is lukewarm about him. Maybe she has her reasons. Who knows.

What matters is what you think. The question: Do you love him? The suggestion: (Under the assumption we're not talking about religious restrictions, but seeking parental approval only) don't worry about what your mom thinks.

People around us will always have opinions about the relationships we're in. So long as you're being reasonable, not with an abusive individual, or there are other material issues that concerns those close to you, I don't think you have anything to fret about. You'd be marrying him, not your mom. While she's entitled to her opinion, you're not obliged to pick a husband based on the approval of others. You have to live with him, you're the one that will go to sleep with him at night. Not your mom. I say, unless she can come up with a valid reason other than she just wants you to see someone else, then I don't see any reason to give her opinion this much space in your head. You haven't seen him in years. Don't let other people's negativity spoil your time together

[Honour]

I don't see you as being a coward. If she can't accept your happiness, that's her problem, not yours. She can't get it through her head that you're happy, that's her problem, let her deal with it. Honestly, and this might sound harsh, but screw her opinion, lol. If she can't accept after 10 years that you are deeply in love with your SO, which it sounds quite clearly that you are, then let her stew. Enjoy your lives together, see him again, do whatever you'd like. It's your lives, and quite possibly future lives together, so go out, and enjoy your time together. You shouldn't live your life for others, or in others' constraints, close family or not. Good luck to you both.

[CaliforniasBride]

I had the same fear when I got engaged in November. Thankfully, my OH had talked to my mother already and she was overjoyed. Crisis averted.
But if your mother can't accept this after 10 years of love, then that's her problem. Live your life as you want to, and don't let her opinion get it the way.
Good luck!

[Hitomi]

The only advice I have is a question and a suggestion. You don't provide much back story on your SO or why your mom is lukewarm about him. Maybe she has her reasons. Who knows.

What matters is what you think. The question: Do you love him? The suggestion: (Under the assumption we're not talking about religious restrictions, but seeking parental approval only) don't worry about what your mom thinks.

People around us will always have opinions about the relationships we're in. So long as you're being reasonable, not with an abusive individual, or there are other material issues that concerns those close to you, I don't think you have anything to fret about. You'd be marrying him, not your mom. While she's entitled to her opinion, you're not obliged to pick a husband based on the approval of others. You have to live with him, you're the one that will go to sleep with him at night. Not your mom. I say, unless she can come up with a valid reason other than she just wants you to see someone else, then I don't see any reason to give her opinion this much space in your head. You haven't seen him in years. Don't let other people's negativity spoil your time together

Now, I am not providing not much backstory since it's too long for me to get into. So, I'm making things as short as possible about the current situation. But all I can say is my mom is rather two-faced about these sorts of things, which is why I don't speak my feelings honestly unless I'm pushed too far in my emotional limits. I feel no matter how serious with stuff, I feel my immediate family doesn't take me seriously the majority of the time. That includes the relationship.

But yes, I really should stop fretting. The anxiety has been increasing more lately and I'm about to go home next week.

But yes... thank you for keeping me grounded. Honestly, there really is no reason why her opinion should occupy in my head this badly. Maybe it's because of old habits (long story short, my mother is a perfectionist and this has affected me since childhood onwards) and I'm trying to tell myself to shake it off. You're right, though, I am the one marrying him in the end, so I will not let this spoil whatever time I have with him when I'm home.

Not when it's been more than a year since I last saw him. When I do say years, I seriously mean it.

So, I'll gather my courage more.

And the only thing I need to do is stay calm if everything heats up.

[Hitomi]

I don't see you as being a coward. If she can't accept your happiness, that's her problem, not yours. She can't get it through her head that you're happy, that's her problem, let her deal with it. Honestly, and this might sound harsh, but screw her opinion, lol. If she can't accept after 10 years that you are deeply in love with your SO, which it sounds quite clearly that you are, then let her stew. Enjoy your lives together, see him again, do whatever you'd like. It's your lives, and quite possibly future lives together, so go out, and enjoy your time together. You shouldn't live your life for others, or in others' constraints, close family or not. Good luck to you both.

I'm glad you don't see me as being a coward. If anything, I really have been hesitant to post my LDR woes here since I know some members here, as I've been observing, tend to be on the blunt side. So to read that I'm not a coward to someone else has made me cry with relief.

Right. I had been reminding myself every day I now have my own life, I'm not supposed to be that scared girl anymore, the one who'd flinch when she got rejected or snubbed for being imperfect and for having a different mindset as well as personality. It hasn't been easy building up self-esteem let alone my courage, but I feel I really need to start living for myself instead of chasing my mom's shadow.

Definitely. As much as I feel I should respect her wishes by asking permission to a certain degree, I'll definitely put my foot down if she goes too far.

Thank you very much. I feel a little braver now, especially when I need it as the time to go home for my vacation is just right around the corner.

[Hitomi]

I had the same fear when I got engaged in November. Thankfully, my OH had talked to my mother already and she was overjoyed. Crisis averted.
But if your mother can't accept this after 10 years of love, then that's her problem. Live your life as you want to, and don't let her opinion get it the way.
Good luck!

Ah, I'm so glad to hear--or rather, read--someone can understand my sentiments since you have gone through this ordeal yourself personally. I'm glad your OH got to talk to your mother about it beforehand, so I'm glad everything worked out for you two.

Right! I need to keep reminding myself about this every day.

And thank you, I will definitely need all the luck I can get.

[merlinkitty]

But all I can say is my mom is rather two-faced about these sorts of things, which is why I don't speak my feelings honestly unless I'm pushed too far in my emotional limits....And the only thing I need to do is stay calm if everything heats up.

My mom is a litttle judgy so I understand what you're dealing with. It's something I'm still learning is how to separate myself from the aggravation of the little passive aggressive comments and trying to sort out any good advice that might be in there. She does have some! Lol

I know you'll find your place where you're centered on this. You already know what to expect. Just stay bigger than all the BS. You're better than that

[Honour]

I'm glad you don't see me as being a coward. If anything, I really have been hesitant to post my LDR woes here since I know some members here, as I've been observing, tend to be on the blunt side. So to read that I'm not a coward to someone else has made me cry with relief.

Right. I had been reminding myself every day I now have my own life, I'm not supposed to be that scared girl anymore, the one who'd flinch when she got rejected or snubbed for being imperfect and for having a different mindset as well as personality. It hasn't been easy building up self-esteem let alone my courage, but I feel I really need to start living for myself instead of chasing my mom's shadow.

Definitely. As much as I feel I should respect her wishes by asking permission to a certain degree, I'll definitely put my foot down if she goes too far.

Thank you very much. I feel a little braver now, especially when I need it as the time to go home for my vacation is just right around the corner.

Glad I could set your mind at ease and help. Good luck to you and your SO in the future.

By the way... I admit I am blunt. But sometimes it's meant for good, nothing bad. I hope you understand that. No one on this website (unless trolls), even though most of us are strangers to one another, is here to cause you pain and heartache. I certainly don't mean to. I only wish to help.