Breakup Advice Blog

[merlinkitty]

There have been a few posts of people going through breakups and I always feel for all of you. It's a really tough thing to get through.

I wanted to share a blog post from this guy, I've been reading him for about a year. I'd been looking into information on travel abroad, and this guy is doing it. Sold his stuff and packed the remaining bits into like one suitcase.

He's sharing this one on his Facebook page with the holiday this weekend on how to breakup up gracefully. Thought some of you would appreciate this though. He's a super insightful, blunt, funny, not so PC sometimes guy and I've really found some truth in what he says.

Hope this helps.

https://markmanson.net/break-up

[p_b82]

Had a quick read of those, and had already 'worked out' most of all the points after my previous longer term relationship ended....

Think something to also factor is time involved in the relationship - For me it is 'easier' the second time round after only 6 months and in an LDR, vs 5.5 years CD. I loved my recent ex with more passion than I did my previous ex so the only difference is time and learning from previous mistakes, and the nature of the breakup. I was 'dumped' both times too....

I also find it is rather cathartic to write a 'letter' to get the emotions out the head on paper - both about your own failings, and those of the partner..... I've done one if I was observing what I saw I did wrong, and the other is what I saw them doing wrong.

I found it helps me stop directing all the blame - as it take two for a relationship to work, but it usually always takes 2 for a relationship to fail as well.... we just don't always see it that way at the time!

[merlinkitty]

I'm glad you're doing well. You seem to be at least the process is so unique based on our own situations. My last was pretty terrible and took me a lot longer to work through. I'm glad you've stuck around though!!

[p_b82]

not sure that I am doing 'well' but just accepted it for what it is, a real shame that it hasn't worked out the way I hoped but I have not done anything 'wrong' and there was nothing more I could have done either. she has decided she doesn't want to the relationship, and that is that really!

I gave myself a week to be properly miserable about it, and hardly stopped crying, but now have to just get on with things - will be a while before I am in a state to 'date' again, but doesn't mean I should mope....

the breakup with the previous ex was nasty, took me 18 months to get over that one, and be in a place to date again, even though I made the mistake of falling into a rebound situation (with some-one else on the rebound) before I had that realisation.

I have also remembered that while the breakup is tough, some very good things came out the relationship, and I have grown and learnt as a person during that time, and we can often overlook that aspect of it.

[merlinkitty]

Yeah that's the thing I guess. Going through it, start to finish, changes you. I know for me I spent a lot of time in self reflection, what I needed to do differently in future and addressing some of the baggage that was left behind, so to speak. For me, since he was living with me, I literally took to throwing stuff away. It was cathartic, just like letting go of it all so I had a fresh slate to start building from again. Now that I'm thinking about it, taking walls down I had built were the hardest for me. Learning to recognize signs in myself something wasn't right was another. But you're right. There's always good to come out of negative situations. It just takes time sometimes to dig through all the crap to find it.

[Honour]

Good idea for a forum post

[p_b82]

Yeah that's the thing I guess. Going through it, start to finish, changes you. I know for me I spent a lot of time in self reflection, what I needed to do differently in future and addressing some of the baggage that was left behind, so to speak. For me, since he was living with me, I literally took to throwing stuff away. It was cathartic, just like letting go of it all so I had a fresh slate to start building from again. Now that I'm thinking about it, taking walls down I had built were the hardest for me. Learning to recognize signs in myself something wasn't right was another. But you're right. There's always good to come out of negative situations. It just takes time sometimes to dig through all the crap to find it.

My previous ex we had a house together, and I had to move out 'fast' and I sold my stake of it to her, to release the capital I had put into it, so I was lucky in that respect that I got the fresh start, although it is in the same city, and our ciricle of friends had 100% overlap, so that has been tough to sort out. But I was hasty with my house purchase, and while it does what a house does, it doesn't 'feel' like my forever-home. Think that is part of why I was so willing to relocate.

But my recent ex taught me to let all of my barriers down, I have not had the easiest of childhoods emotionally, and carried a lot of baggage from that with me to my adult life - she was the first one I have ever felt comfortable to just completely give all of me, and not hold back. And it was liberating for that to happen in my 30's; it is has shown me I can do it. Hopefully in time there will be some-one else that makes me feel the same way, if not, that is the way of it....

My life motto is "To be a better person tomorrow than the man I was yesterday"

I don't say today, as that is often too soon to be able to reflect on it and grow, and doing things in the peak of emotion at the time, is often not a good way to handle anything - for me.

I just apply the same logic to how I deal with a breakup, and grief. Yes it hurts, yes I am miserable, but I cannot sustain it longer term; that was a mistake I made before and it took my 18months to find myself again. So rather than the trite "find a new activity/hobby" just continue to do things as I did before so it doesn't feel forced, because that would not work for me - it does for others I am sure, but not me.

I also think that at times we do forget that the other person involved is human, and have feelings too - even if they broke up with you, it can be crushing for them as well, especially when they 'know' what they are giving up on paper, but the heart no longer sings the same tune.... No one is a winner there, as is the case for me and my ex right now :'(

[merlinkitty]

But I was hasty with my house purchase, and while it does what a house does, it doesn't 'feel' like my forever-home. Think that is part of why I was so willing to relocate.

My life motto is "To be a better person tomorrow than the man I was yesterday"

I don't say today, as that is often too soon to be able to reflect on it and grow, and doing things in the peak of emotion at the time, is often not a good way to handle anything - for me.

I just apply the same logic to how I deal with a breakup, and grief. Yes it hurts, yes I am miserable, but I cannot sustain it longer term; that was a mistake I made before and it took my 18months to find myself again. So rather than the trite "find a new activity/hobby" just continue to do things as I did before so it doesn't feel forced, because that would not work for me - it does for others I am sure, but not me.

I also think that at times we do forget that the other person involved is human, and have feelings too - even if they broke up with you, it can be crushing for them as well, especially when they 'know' what they are giving up on paper, but the heart no longer sings the same tune.... No one is a winner there, as is the case for me and my ex right now :'(

You've given me some stuff to think about. I pulled the quote about the house down because my brother recently said something to me about the house he's in (rented). He divorced a few years back and exited the house they shared fairly quickly.

The rest of what you've said speaks to me in my own situation and advice given on the forum as well, advice I'm sure I've given. I never have really thought about how I coped after my last relationship. It was nine years, five living together in my apartment. I had emotionally shut down on him as a coping mechanism I guess, so I was very cold and callous with him by the end. I'd "kicked" him out of the apartment, but let him keep a key and his stuff here while he sorted himself out. Six months later I finally lost it, packed his stuff up, and changed the locks.

Doing new activities is not what helped me rebuild. After falling into a depression comparable to when I was 17, I'm just now realizing what got me through was dealing with my own baggage. SO helped with that, I think a piece of him was scared of being my rebound, and I understand that now.

I don't think I've thought of my ex as human until you mentioned it just now. There is a piece of me that still wants to kick him in the kneecaps. He really screwed me financially. But I realize now he was just a broken human dealing very poorly, or not much at all, with a really messed up childhood and ongoing screwed up family dynamic. The people I still miss are his youngest sister (she is one of the sweetest, smartest, most determined people I've had the privilege to know) and his nephews and niece. The last time I saw the niece, who was four at the time, told me "I miss you" and it really upset me. I loved that family.

You're right. No one is winners in a breakup. You've given me a lot to think about, not only in my personal life, but on this forum a well. Thank you.

[KayW]

Thank you MerlinKitty for sharing the blog post. I was in my relationship for 7 years (it ended 4 days ago) and we were long distant for the last year and two months. I visited him multiple times after he moved, but Thursday night we were Skyping and he brokedown crying telling me that he didn't see marriage in his future period. Now, I can't say I am totally shocked because he did admit in December that the thought of marriage scares him (due to everyone in his family being divorced) but I have always said that I wanted to get married a have a family so I thought he was working through his fears. When he told me on Thursday, I was crushed because I knew that I deserved to be with a man who wants to marry me, and that I would have to break up with him. It was a lot of crying and silence...and I am just trying to get through this. He says he wants to work on his issues and of course part of me wants him to talk with his parents and a therapist and work through everything and talk with me but that seems so naive and like I am living in a fairytale/dreamworld. I wish I didn't have random breakdowns everyday from being so sad. I know that I truly do deserve someone that wants to call me his wife, but that somehow is not making this transition into being single any easier. *sigh*

I am glad that I was able to type out some of my feelings...having an outlet is so important.

[merlinkitty]

I am so sorry to hear that, KayW. Always feel free to talk it out here. I know a chunk of us here have gone through some really crap breakups. We feel your pain. Take care of yourself. We're always here for you.

[p_b82]

You've given me a lot to think about, not only in my personal life, but on this forum a well. Thank you.

Absolutely no problem at all - glad I have been able to help.

I was talking with my sister about things on the way up to my uncle's funeral yesterday, and apparently I am quite 'self reflective' and even though she is my elder sister, she often finds herself thinking about things I have said - and she did Philosophy for one of her degrees so she should be quite good at that anyway lol.

I don't know - I feel a lot of us in general as people don't seem to take the time to learn from our mistakes and can be quicker to direct blame at 'life/situation/circumstances/others', and truly understand why and how all those things actually affect and effect us; than to take some responsibility for our actions too. A lot are completely out our control, but there are always things we 'could have' done differently in any situation. The challenge is to not dwell too much on the what if's but to accept that A) we got that wrong or B) we got that right or C) We could not have done anything different (right or wrong), and then live with that knowledge and use it when appropriate another time. Emotionally that is quite cold I know, and listening to your gut or your head when you heart is telling you something different is not easy... that was what had made me so unhappy and in effect brought around the ending of my recent relationship.

I also knew that how I handled (or didn't handle*) my first serious break up was not something I would allow myself to do a second time, even though the feelings are deeper and I actually think I am loosing a lot more this time after only 6 months than I lost after 5.5 years with some-one else, I have to tread a fine line of moving on, and not adding to the baggage I carry. Letting go of that was such a revelation for me I do not want to pick it all up again, and repeat previous life mistakes as a result.

Not really sure I have that much more to say on this subject, and don't want to take it too off topic or make it about 'me'.... But if it helps other people then that is fine

*This time almost 12 months ago I woke up in the back of an ambulance with no idea how I got there, where I was, who I was or where I lived..... It was worse than the days I nearly ended my life actually!