Anxiety About the Future

[Black_Tea]

So this is going to sound different from what I said in my "Pressure to 'Seal the Deal'" post (because I'm new, I'm not able to post the link). I was talking about how outside people are pressuring me about the future and when my boyfriend and I plan to settle down and get married. But what I neglected to mention was the pressure I put on myself. I'm really scared of ending up like some girls, who date a guy for a long time and things look promising, and then he suddenly gives some flimsy excuse of being "afraid of commitment" or "not believing in marriage." Basically, I look at marriage as the end goal, the finish line. If my boyfriend were to propose to me, I'd be happy and excited, but mostly relieved. Relieved because I would be getting married and wouldn't have to worry about "Am I ever going to get married?"

My boyfriend seems to love me and wants to be in a serious relationship (like, he sometimes jokes about our future kids), but he has a very inert personality, and is wishy-washy about his goals and how he wants to attain them. He said he wants me to visit him in Albany after he moves into a new apartment, but it just hasn't happened yet. And sometimes I feel that if we broke up, it would suck, but I'd be free to find a boyfriend, who lives in my city and is sure that he wants a serious relationship that would lead to marriage.

[merlinkitty]

I'm one of those girls you mention and don't worry. Totally not offended lol

I mean these are questions you really have to ask yourself because you know him and the situation much better than I ever will. But let me give you this piece of advice.

Marriage is not the end goal. The end goal is to be with someone who's going to be a witness to the rest of your life, to be your partner in all things, someone who's going to be there for you (and vice versa) for the rest of your time together. The finish line, if there is one, is death or divorce.

It's a subtle difference, but when you look past the day you get married, when the celebration, toasts, and well wishes are ended, who is that person you want to see in 30, 40, or if you're lucky 50 years down the road?

I waited much longer than I should have with my ex. But he gave me all the signs he wasn't in this for the long haul and I chose to ignore them. I gave up a long time ago comparing the progress of my life in comparison with others. It really does you no good to worry about what others may think if you're 34 years old, not married, and have no children.

What does do me good is realizing that I'm with a man who makes me happy, who understands, guides, and listens to me in a way I've always wanted.

If you feel this way about your SO don't give up because things aren't on schedule with where you think they should be. I would recommend talking to him about this though. I think you have a right to know what his commitment level is in this relationship. It's the 21st century and perfectly acceptable (and I think smart) for a woman to ask these kinds of questions. I know it's not romantic, but I would argue, incredibly practical. My brother dated a woman once who asked point blank about marriage. After his divorce he just wasn't there yet, but I credited her with being so forthcoming with him. It got out in the open what their expectations were and saved them a lot of time and heartache.

But definitely talk to him about this. Get an idea of what his long-term intentions are and maybe that will help you decide where yours are as well.

[Honour]

To me, there is no end of the line. You meet someone, you fall in love, you plan to spend your lives together and live in happiness. I do believe in life after death, and that you're reunited with your love in death, but that's a different subject and my own personal opinion If you can't see yourself in a happy relationship with someone, why be in a relationship with them at all? I agree with merlinkitty, it's fine to question and to stand up for yourself. But you need to talk to him, and pin him down saying, "Look. This is what's bothering me. This is what's going on. Can we work this out? What do YOU want to happen in the end? Can we set some goals?" Preferably at a heart-to-heart sort of conversation, but the timing may not be right for every question.

At the end of the day, only you know what you want.

[p_b82]

I can't add anything else than what Merlinkitty has said there.

My previous ex was on that 'had a plan' and that was date for 12 months, move in together, get married, buy a house, have kids.... her her friends were doing that in that order and therefore so should she.....

Needless to say life didn't work out how she planned.... and she never got married to me (thankfully as it turned out as divorce would have been nastier).

With my recent ex, we had to have the discussion very early on about marriage, she had told me in the past that she didn't want to marry again; for me to move to the US (upstate NY) we would have probably needed to have got married to achieve that. If she hadn't said would be prepared to marry me, we would not have even got involved for the 6 months we were, as I would not have wanted to have an LDR indefinitely, and I would not have wanted to be tied into a green card with one company holding me to ransom.

So take the pressure off yourself, marriage in modern society is not a 'requirement' for a serious relationship, but have that talk with your BF and find out if he is in it for the long haul - hell in modern times you can be the one to propose if it means that much to you!

[Malaga]

It seems like at the end of the line you just want to be married, regardless to whom? Then you're setting yourself up for a fail from the start. I too know many women (and men) who ended up alone after a long relationship, but the majority of them were more focused on how to get him to propose and when to start making babies, rather than taking the time to get to know the person they're with, understand whether they're right for each other and mature with them. And then it was a shock when it fell apart.

You say your boyfriend is indecisive. If he suddenly proposed to you, would it still bother you? Or would you say yes to make sure he doesn't get away? How do you plan to tackle his wishy washiness after you already said yes to spending the rest of your life with him, presumably the way he is? Or would his indecisiveness about his goals suddenly not bother you anymore, because you got what you wanted?

Besides, you're only 28 and you've been together for a little over a year. That's not even that long, and things tend to go slower in a long distance relationship. By all means have a heart to heart conversation with him and be open about what's important to you. But do understand and make him understand that he's not means to an end to you. Be honest with yourself. Is your relationship at a point where you feel both of you are ready for this commitment? And - how does he feel about it?

[whatruckus]

My SO is indecisive as well, but I chalk that up to his past exes, one of which he was engaged to, and things that have happened in his life. We talk/joke about growing old together and our future kids, but we've never actually really talked in depth about marriage. I'm close to the same age as you, and while I do feel the pressure to get married some day as well, I'm taking it slow. Even if my SO were to randomly have money and propose to me tomorrow, I'd most likely hesitate, maybe even say no. Why? Because I know I'm not ready, he's not ready, and as a couple...we're not ready.

You shouldn't become engaged or married to someone just so that you don't have to wonder if you're ever getting married. That's not the right type of thought when it comes to marriage. To me, marriage is spending the rest of your life with the person who makes you insanely happy.

I also agree with the others in that marriage isn't the end of the line.

You should also have a talk with your SO about what you two expect from this relationship.

[differentcountries]

You have been together for a year. Focus rather on the new appartment in Albany! Baby steps.

ps your lighter thoughts about breakups are horrible. Do you even care about him beyond as fairly someone decent you could get married to? Whenever I think that me and my boyfriend should break up, or he should die, it is like I am staring into a big black hole. I love him to death and loosing him would be one of the two possible worst things that could happen in my life. The thought of loosing him scares me shitless... I don't worry about anything much in this world exept loosing my men. I think actually that is what does it for him, he never had that intense care from someone before. Your boyfriend is still waiting for someone to actually care about him as a person, by the sounds of it...

[R&R]

So this is going to sound different from what I said in my "Pressure to 'Seal the Deal'" post (because I'm new, I'm not able to post the link). I was talking about how outside people are pressuring me about the future and when my boyfriend and I plan to settle down and get married. But what I neglected to mention was the pressure I put on myself. I'm really scared of ending up like some girls, who date a guy for a long time and things look promising, and then he suddenly gives some flimsy excuse of being "afraid of commitment" or "not believing in marriage." Basically, I look at marriage as the end goal, the finish line. If my boyfriend were to propose to me, I'd be happy and excited, but mostly relieved. Relieved because I would be getting married and wouldn't have to worry about "Am I ever going to get married?"

My boyfriend seems to love me and wants to be in a serious relationship (like, he sometimes jokes about our future kids), but he has a very inert personality, and is wishy-washy about his goals and how he wants to attain them. He said he wants me to visit him in Albany after he moves into a new apartment, but it just hasn't happened yet. And sometimes I feel that if we broke up, it would suck, but I'd be free to find a boyfriend, who lives in my city and is sure that he wants a serious relationship that would lead to marriage.

You need to get out of your relationship NOW. I feel very badly for your SO. You need to let him find someone who really wants to be with him and loves him. You don't love him. He's a possible means to an end for you. Read what you wrote and think about how you would feel if someone said that about you. I can guarantee that would be the end of your relationship right there.