Says he still wants to be with me, but acts different

[ars224182]

I'm really tired. But I've been in this relationship since I was 16 I don't know anything else. And idk who else is going to want me with all my problems, I don't have any friends, It hard for me to make new ones because I have social anxiety as well. (If you must know all these issues were prob stemed from the fact my mother was an abusive alcoholic, was taken away put with my dad the child services took us from him cause he smoked pot. He's a great father( never gave up like my mom) but then lived with a few family members but couldn't handle me then group home then foster care didn't make it back to my dad till I was 14 and all that happens when I was 7) so you could say I have abanddoment issues as well. I'm sorry I'm saying so much so I just don't have anyone else To talk to...but all in all I'm so tired phiscally and emotionally. Dealing with this and depression is hard especially because I feel like I have nothing else to live for after him , I'd be losing my best and only friend as well as a boyfriend.... I'm sorry I sound so crazy. This is just the every day struggle that I have to deal with living with these stupid illnesses... But if he wants to go I can't make him stay... Again I'm really sorry there's I have no one else to talk to...

[merlinkitty]

Thanks for opening up a bit And please, always know you can come talk to us. We all choose to be here and we don't mind

I can tell you are tired. Your message sounds utterly drained. I'd forgotten how that felt. I remember at the end of my last relationship I kept telling him how tired I was. It was a soul sucking tired.

So no, you don't sound crazy at all. I completely understand what you're saying. If you feel comfortable with opening up to us some more about what your fears are about leaving him, would you? Can you tell us more? We want to help you, but I think it would be helpful for us to hear a little more background of where you're coming from, what you get out of being with him, what your fear is of leaving him, what your goals are in life. Where do you want to be in five years?

I want you to be happy with your life and love yourself. We're all of us messed up in some way or another. And we're all of us worthy of being loved. You are too honey bunny. Don't you ever forget it.

[ars224182]

He makes me happy when were together. Were not like this at all... And I'm afraid of him leaving me because then I'll be left with nothing. I'll be all alone. I just feel like if he dosnt want me then who will? And I'm not really sure about what I want to do yet...I wanna do something with animals but my schooling gets put on the back burner cause of his career and me having to move to him... I feel like the biggest pos sometimes because I'm not in college yet I'm a cook at a bar. And he makes what I do in one month in a week... Before I left Texas and came back to Iowa we were talking about dog grooming schools he seemed excited about it looking it up for me saying he will pay for it but since I got back here there's been no talk about it.... But really thank you for talking to me and not being judgemental.

[Harlequin]

He makes me happy when were together. Were not like this at all... And I'm afraid of him leaving me because then I'll be left with nothing. I'll be all alone. I just feel like if he dosnt want me then who will? And I'm not really sure about what I want to do yet...I wanna do something with animals but my schooling gets put on the back burner cause of his career and me having to move to him... I feel like the biggest pos sometimes because I'm not in college yet I'm a cook at a bar. And he makes what I do in one month in a week... Before I left Texas and came back to Iowa we were talking about dog grooming schools he seemed excited about it looking it up for me saying he will pay for it but since I got back here there's been no talk about it.... But really thank you for talking to me and not being judgemental.

Unfortunately, if you really weren't like this, you wouldn't be here talking about it.

You had a life before him, and you will have a life after him. He is not your end all be all, and if anything, he's holding you back. There will be someone out there for you who will love you and treat you with the love and respect you deserve. Cut him lose. He doesn't deserve you, and he doesn't care about you anywhere near as much as he should. You should never have to put your life on the back burner for a relationship--especially one that's detrimental to you. Love should never be conditional.
You are not a pos, and no one has the right to make you feel that way. You're a very kind person, and I'm willing to bet that he brings out the worst in you. You deserve so much better than this. As it was stated before; it's been 6 years. It's not going to happen, and honestly it's a blessing.

Cut him loose, rebuild yourself, and get yourself back on track. You won't be left without anything you're already lacking as it is. Again, you had a life before him, and you will have a life after him. Please take care of yourself.

[merlinkitty]

I'm the last person to judge Let's not worry about how he fits into this equation yet. Let's focus on you a bit What do you need to do to get back into school? Is community college something you're interested in? I went back after years and years, took one class to see if I could do it, did fine and went for it. What kind of animal stuff do you want to do? Maybe we can look into programs and stuff You don't need him to help finance your life. If you really want to go back to school there are financial advisors at the schools that can help you sort out funding. Don't put your life on hold waiting for him to grace you with his presence or money. Are there grooming certifications you can get? I was reading about it a little bit and they said that you don't need them, but they don't hurt either. Or getting apprenticeships help too. Have you thought of volunteering with an animal shelter? I know you have social anxiety, so I don't want to suggest something that is too much all at once, but I think perhaps doing things that interest you locally, doing things that help promote your own sense of self worth, might help you to see how much you are capable of

I found this link if you're interested? https://petshops.about.com/od/Pet-Gr...tification.htm

Before you have an anxiety attack at what I've suggested, I think doing stuff like this might help you reestablish a new friend network. Something in baby steps. But something that helps you start to stand on your own two feet I know it sounds a little scary, well probably a lot scary, but things won't change in your life until you want them to change. My mom always tells me me you have to be uncomfortable to make changes. The thing I learned in my situation is exactly how uncomfortable I had to be. I felt almost beat to a pulp emotionally before I decided to make a change. And quite frankly, I had a lot of bumps in the road, missteps, and backtracking I went through before I finally had the momentum I needed. But maybe if you start researching some stuff, see if there are opportunities that interest you, we can look at them and see what it's going to take to get you there I hate the word "can't" cause I think if you really want to do something then you can get there. It may take time and a lot of thinking outside the box, but you can do it

Classes were nice for me because I'm super shy, I have a touch of anxiety in new situations, and class was something where I could be anonymous if I wanted to, but I also met one of my best friends in school In a long term sense, does anything I've suggested sound like something you'd be interested in? I also want to let you know that the right people will be there for you. I am as screwed up as they come. But once I started taking care of myself I was able to gain the confidence I was lacking. People who matter will love you for everything that you are.

[whatruckus]

Sweetie, you're 22. I was with my ex from the time I was 19 until I was 24. I thought I was NEVER going to find anyone else, that no one else was going to love me, that I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough...whatever. He was the one I thought I wanted to marry. He promised he was going to marry me. But, he also TOLD ME no one was going to want me because I was lazy, I was a bitch, I get jealous too much, and I was insecure. You know what happened? Almost 3 months after he left me, and not even a month after he stopped manipulating me, I met my SO. Guess what? We've been together for over 2 years. We're definitely not perfect, we both have our issues, but the fact is: I met someone else. You will ALWAYS be able to find someone else, if you just open your eyes and look. There are LOTS of people in this world. Billions. Holding on to a jerk just because you've been together for so long is a really dumb thing to do. I don't think you're a dumb person. You're SO young. You WILL find someone else. Like I said before, someone who will treat you with the respect and love you deserve. Someone who won't brush you off when you're feeling insecure, someone who won't tell you you're being crazy, someone who will be there for you.

You just need to take it upon yourself and open your eyes.

[Miasmata]

A lot of really fantastic posts in this thread. I wish I could hit the thanks button more than once!

I really don't have anything to add other than that you're so strong, and a really valuable, legit person. You have a life without this relationship, trust me. In fact, it will be a better one.

[ars224182]

I really want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart, I got extremely low in my depression today and you all saved my life. Literally. Not having a support system of any kind is really hard with how severe my depression is I've almost committed suicide twice before in the past. And not because of my boyfriend I understand I can live without him. He's just added stress to my illness....but they only people I do have here don't understand it which is my dad... my dad also thinks my relationship is unhealthy, but he's letting me be an adult and figure it out for myself. And after I get my insurance I'll be getting help with my problems, I will prob most def need help looking into schooling! Thank you for that. I just need to find the strenght to pull myself out of this and not get sucked back in again...

[BlueCat]

If the relationship is bringing you down and making you emotionally and physically tired and drained, then yes, it is unhealthy, your dad is right. It's not an easy thing to pull oneself out of a dark place, but once you start to it gets a lot easier because you can see all the opportunities available. To me it sounds like you're living your life for this guy who doesn't even treat you that well. I really think you should spend some time to focus on yourself, where do you see yourself going in life, what do you want to achieve? A SO shouldn't get in the way of studies that you really want to pursue, they should support you in it, even if it means being separated for another 3+ years (for example). You have to live your life for you to share it with someone else. Not live your life for someone else. There's a big difference

[p_b82]

I just want to say that you are not alone in the way you are feeling with your situation - I was around your age when I was suicidal - I am a man of my word, and some-one made me promise I would talk to them the following day (it was a lady 10 years older than me that I owe my life to but have no idea who they are as they vanished without trace when I got myself together!).

I have abandonment issues that I did not get over until my mid to late 20's due to being sent to boarding school at 7, and staying there for 10 years, when I was home, I was brought up in the old fashioned way of 'children should be seen and not heard' (my sister still has not fully got over her issues either)..... At the time of my worst depression I lived alone, had no friends, could not see the purpose of my existence, or why any-one would like me or love me; as a result I was in a really bad way mentally and physically.

But...... and this is where the advice other people have already stated comes into play.

While depression might make us feel that way, there is more to any-one than the depression and what it does to you mentally, you sound like me being introverted, and so change is a *BIG* deal, so start small. Change your mindset first that is the only thing you have control over. I am not saying 'be happy' but I saying try to focus less on the negative, when you can do that, the positive things will follow - as long as you allow it.

If I was you, I would go to your dad, tell him you are ending the relationship and ask him to help you be strong and stick to your guns. I am sure that he will be more than happy to do that for you. Use him as your rock, and then start to put the other things in your life in place to start doing something you want to do.

Ultimately, the only one that can change anything about you is you, and that is the way it should be. I am willing to bet, that the relief you will feel from taking this first positive step will make you feel loads better, and give you the momentum to walk with baby steps in your life in another direction. Hopefully in a few years you'll be running along

But don't look to far in the future, take each day at a time, and if that is too long, each hour etc..... when you learn to love yourself again, I am more than sure there will be some-one out there who is willing to love you back properly and in a way that you deserve and makes you happy.

I thought the same as you, and have had a couple of blips in the road, but have been loved by 4 people since I nearly killed myself - and I believed at the time that no-one would ever love me, because I did not like myself, let alone love me

Good luck, it is going to be tough, but stay strong and you will get out the other side, either on your own, or with professional help

[differentcountries]

I wanna do something with animals but my schooling gets put on the back burner cause of his career and me having to move to him...

Get your school and don't move to him.

[merlinkitty]

You've got the strength to pull yourself out of this You mentioned how you will get help with your issues. Your strength is here. It's in you, it's in your desire to feel better. Like p_b82 said, baby steps, and one at a time. Things aren't going to change overnight, but they're going to change because you want them to

[Alis]

I think you have to meet and have a heart to heart talk. It`s hard to cleat the situation up just texting or by videocalls. As I`ve understood you love each other. So did my sister when met her BF on Kovla website. They solved the problem and are happy now!