Argument and what happens after

[ethelynn]

My SO and I had an argument today. I am out of town and I have to go home this weekend. As I can't spend time with him on sunday, we decided I'll stay here today and we'll spend some time together and drive back early tomorrow (its 2,5h drive). We had a misunderstanding as he told me that his event today starts at 6pm, when it actually started at 4pm. What he did was, he went to work early in the morning (5.30am) and came home at 10am, went to sleep. After getting up past 2pm and doing everything he had to do, he contacted me and said he now has an hour before he has to leave, which came to me as a surprise, as i thought he had to go by 6pm. I was up since 9am and been waiting and packing. Just a bit before he told me that he now has an hour to talk, my mom asked for help with something that took 45minutes to do which i agreed to as he wasnt online and knew we had a lot of time left. This made me upset as that means we wont be able to talk for 2 days. His attitude about it was that he didnt bother letting me know when he'll be online or scheduling something with me knowing how late it will be as he didnt even think of the chance that we wont spend time together, he was just sure i'll be behind my computer and just waiting for him all day until he showed up. Now he does feel bad and apologized and said he screwed up and that next time he'll know how to handle this kind of situation as in will schedule a time if there's not much time to talk that day, so we'll both be free. Then he left.

Here's my issue: I feel left alone to deal with it. I decided to stay knowing I'll get to spend time with him. I'm here basicly alone and everyone else left this morning. If I knew I wouldnt get to see him, I would have left also and the best part is that, that way we would have had time together this evening and tomorrow morning, now I wont see or talk to him for two days. I feel let down and like he doesn't really want to put in the effort to spend time with me. I get that he apologized and knows that he screwed up, but... there is this emptiness in me, like I needed more from him to make me feel better about it.. some affection or some sign that he really feels bad about it/regrets it. I am the one who sits here alone with nothing to do here and I'm feeling very sad. I am conflicted at this point about if i'm being irrational or not. So here's my question:

Note: question isnt only about this particular situation, but overall!

If your SO has done something to hurt you or put you in a bad situation etc, is it expected of you should just to get over when they apologize and says that they screwed up or is it okey to also wish that your SO to try to make you feel better/make it up for you? Is it too much for me to hope that there is something he could have said or done or it's just something about me that I will have to get over with time?

[TheSteelAngel]

Well to me it really depends on how many times this or something like this has happened. Is this the first time he's done this? If it is then you should just accept his apology. If he's done this before then you really need to tell him how that hurt you and you shouldn't have to accept behavior like that. I think that there's nothing wrong with wishing that he'd do something extra to make it up to you, but the thing is he probably won't do it unless you say something about it.

[Miasmata]

SteelAngel got it right - If it's more than a little thing, you gotta be open and tell him that it was an issue. Don't sit it out and let it happen repeatedly until you build up a lot of resentment and explode all over him about it. It's better to adress problematic stuff earlier than later.

[ethelynn]

SteelAngel got it right - If it's more than a little thing, you gotta be open and tell him that it was an issue. Don't sit it out and let it happen repeatedly until you build up a lot of resentment and explode all over him about it. It's better to adress problematic stuff earlier than later.

I do that! But just these really sudden stops with the arguments are what leave me feeling like its unfinished or that we aren't yet okey. I just seem to need this "going back to normal" part or just being more affectionate after an argument, but he usually insists that he doesnt know what to do. I can't also say what are the exact things i want to hear at that moment because every argument is different and moods are different. I keep thinking that maybe it's not something he can do and its something that either passes with time or i have to find that peace within myself. He said that he will know better for next time and that he is sorry that he messed up, so the argument itself was solved, but it's like something small was missing for it to feel over for me or for me to feel less hurt about it/move on from it.

[merlinkitty]

When I was reading this I really didn't know what to say, which is why I didn't respond. The argument in and of itself seems trivial. But I'm not saying what you feel isn't valid. Is this a particular example of things that go on regularly between you? Something ongoing? What do you need from him to feel better?

[BlueCat]

I've had a similar sort of situation multiple times with my SO, if we've made a plan to talk and something happens on his end where he doesn't end up getting to, he doesn't always let me know so I end up sitting around waiting for him for nothing. It makes me really angry and upset, but he doesn't do it to be mean, he's just forgetful. The next time we talk, I mention how I felt when it happened, he apologises, admits he should have contacted me and we move on. Part of the relationship is trusting the other person when they say that they're sorry and will try to do better. Everyone gets times mixed up at some point, or accidentally forgets something, but if your SO is constantly blowing you off, then you should be worried. I know it hurts, trust me my SO isn't always the most thoughtful person, but he just thinks differently to how I do. If we argue about it at the time over text or similar, I usually don't feel ok about it either until the next time we talk, where it will get brought up briefly again and we usually both apologise for arguing and that's the end of it.

[whatruckus]

I've had a similar sort of situation multiple times with my SO, if we've made a plan to talk and something happens on his end where he doesn't end up getting to, he doesn't always let me know so I end up sitting around waiting for him for nothing. It makes me really angry and upset, but he doesn't do it to be mean, he's just forgetful. The next time we talk, I mention how I felt when it happened, he apologises, admits he should have contacted me and we move on. Part of the relationship is trusting the other person when they say that they're sorry and will try to do better. Everyone gets times mixed up at some point, or accidentally forgets something, but if your SO is constantly blowing you off, then you should be worried. I know it hurts, trust me my SO isn't always the most thoughtful person, but he just thinks differently to how I do. If we argue about it at the time over text or similar, I usually don't feel ok about it either until the next time we talk, where it will get brought up briefly again and we usually both apologise for arguing and that's the end of it.

Same. My SO sometimes won't tell me he's going out right after work, and I'll still be sitting at home waiting for him to come online so we can talk. Sometimes, after an hour or 2 after he's supposed to be home, I'll text him and I'll get, "Sry, went out after work." I don't mention it at the time because he's out, but I definitely tell him when he gets home. Or, I shoot him an email that it upset me if (he's still out and I'm going to bed). Mine is just really forgetful. We've had multiple discussions about this and a few arguments. He usually doesn't "get it" until I tell him how I'm not like his friends, and we're not like CD couples. I tend to have to throw in that we can't just hang out whenever we want, we have to plan it. Also, when we're not physically together, that talking on FB, texting, phone calls, etc., is our only means of communication. Plus, I hate sitting there feeling stupid, waiting for him, while also getting my hopes up that I'll get to talk to him. He does apologize and then the next few times (before he forgets again ), he makes it a point to call me or something on his way home from work, or when he's coming home from going out if I'm awake.

[Elizabeth123]

My SO is like this too. But when it happens we do discuss and he tries to do better. So far we have been able to make it work. I did get very mad about it but that time I waited to talk with him until after I was calm.

[Ejoriah]

+1 on this. My SO apologizes and then considers the issue resolved. Honestly I try to meet him halfway on this. It's done, he feels bad, and nothing he can do will change that I felt bad. He'll try not to hurt me next time. Getting back to normal seems like the best thing to do, instead of dwelling and rehashing (not saying you do this, but I do).

[Unicorn26]

Guys are totally different from girls in this way. We dwell on stuff way too much, I do this too, it's not just you, you're not alone. It's just the way we are wired.

You need to try and explain this to him in a simple and logical way and not be accusing. Explain how his actions make you feel, I think sometimes guys don't realise how much their actions, or lack of, hurt us.

I hope you're ok and feeling better very soon. It seems a lot of us are going through some really hard times at the moment. Thank goodness we have this forum to get stuff out and vent, I know I'd go insane without it.

[snow]

Where is CynicalQuixotic when you need her?

What we usually do is we only ever accept the apology if the other person understands why we are so upset about something. If he hurt me and he apologizes, I can only accept it if he truly understands what happened and means his apology - same goes for him - only then we can move on and know that these things won't happen again, because now we know the consequences.

[Honour]

My SO doesn't usually do anything like this, but I'm commenting because it's usually me who screws up something. I can be insecure about his feelings, so I might say something and it turns out to be totally wrong. I've pissed him off a few times, but we just talk things through, 100% honesty, and that's it. It fixes whatever minor rift there ever was.

[p_b82]

I think an argument with any-one SO, friends or family, need to be able to end where both sides believe that the issue has been put to bed.

there are a number of ways to achieve that - already discussed so I won't repeat them.... but where I find it is important is to make sure that when it is all said and done, the line is drawn in the sand and unless repeat patterns of behaviour bring it up again, then you need to let it go.... or learn to accept that it is not done with intent or maliciously and that this is the way the other person is.

I argued more with my recent ex in 6 months than I did with my previous ex in 5+ years, because the line in the sand kept being crossed and the issue could not be put to bed though, so it is not always clear cut - sometimes things develop or are similar but not the same so you feel you need to say something.

My 'problem' is that I will always speak my mind; if I don't like something, I will say so, but I will do the opposite and say I like things too. But it is often easy for people to overlook those positives when they are feeling down, so I have told by numerous people I can be accusatory until they learn that this is the way I am, and I am just saying how things make me feel.... the 'issue' is when it is another person's bad behaviour, there is no way to really sugar coat it, if they are one to jump on the aggressive defence!

[ethelynn]

Thank you everyone for the advice!

What we usually do is we only ever accept the apology if the other person understands why we are so upset about something. If he hurt me and he apologizes, I can only accept it if he truly understands what happened and means his apology - same goes for him - only then we can move on and know that these things won't happen again, because now we know the consequences.

This pretty much summed up how i felt. We had a long talk yesterday night, I stayed up extra long which cut my sleeping time very short, but I wanted it settled. We discussed our worries and wrote things down in a document what we agreed on. A big thing here was that I sometimes don't feel like he understand where im coming from, so i asked him to tell me that he does more specifically. We agreed to make a specific schedule for the times we are busy and to try to get a joint calendar where we put in where we have to go (bigger events, work schedules), so there wont be any misunderstandings about time.

What I really needed from him was to know he feels bad for not having time for us, not just that he made a mistake. I just felt neglected/rejected. In a LDR, skype is our way of hanging out and sometimes people just tend to forget that sitting at home behind a computer counts as a real meetup. Its not like you'd forget to set a time or wake up earlier if you have to meet someone somewhere. Over internet it just somehow might seem not a big deal. Little things that we have to learn about LDRs.

[Jaac]

I can relate!!
I value skype a lot and I want to plan it so I can look foreward to it.
Sometimes he can't skype -for good reasons- and he just sends me a message saying: can't skype sorry.
I'm like whatt? does it not matter to you?! And then I try to tell him how much it matters to me and that it bothers me that it doesn't seem to bother him and we end up in an arguement. This really sucks because if the distance weren't there, we wouldn't have been having this issue.
Sometimes have to feel like it's just as important to him as it is to me.

Then again, messages on whatsapp can easily be misinterpreted. He might be saying something, but because you're already upset you interpret it as him being ignorant, while he doesn't mean it that way.
In your case, it will probably all be forgotten when you see each other again. Just hang in there until you get to see each other again.
Your feelings about this might change in a few days as well and you will forgive him because he's appologized