I am scared because of money

[rubydissolution]

Maybe I'm alone here, and I apologize ahead of time if what I'm about to say offends you. I feel like you are being a little selfish here. Your reasoning for him moving and not you aren't that great, especially when thinking about the future of your relationship. Right now, he has the better job and the money. He has the independence. You can't support yourself or live on your own. Why would you let him move to you and start over, potentially not be able to find a job for a while and live at your parents house with you, when you could go to him?

I've been here, and the downside to if it doesn't pan out is resentment. He will resent giving up everything. I seriously think you both need to consider you moving there. Sure becoming a citizen in the UK would be harder, and you would miss your family but there would be financial stability there. And that is more important than you know. It relieves so much stress on a relationship.

Gl!

[80anthea]

There are ways to deal with a fear of flying and anxiety that maybe worth looking into before you completely rule planes out.

[whatruckus]

Maybe I'm alone here, and I apologize ahead of time if what I'm about to say offends you. I feel like you are being a little selfish here. Your reasoning for him moving and not you aren't that great, especially when thinking about the future of your relationship. Right now, he has the better job and the money. He has the independence. You can't support yourself or live on your own. Why would you let him move to you and start over, potentially not be able to find a job for a while and live at your parents house with you, when you could go to him?

I've been here, and the downside to if it doesn't pan out is resentment. He will resent giving up everything. I seriously think you both need to consider you moving there. Sure becoming a citizen in the UK would be harder, and you would miss your family but there would be financial stability there. And that is more important than you know. It relieves so much stress on a relationship.

Gl!

Agreed. I'm seeing a big lack of compromise here on your part. You don't "do" planes and you don't want to be away from your family. He has a great job over there and makes great money. You don't have any money really. You live with your parents right now. It would honestly be really stupid for him to pick up his life and move here to the US for you, when he doesn't have a guaranteed job and no place for him (or you) to stay on his own. If he moved here, would moving in with you and your parents be something that he wants? I just don't see how that's attractive.

I can't really add much other than you really need to think about this even more and what's fair to both you and him. Right now, I only see this as you not compromising because of your anxiety issues. If you really want this to work, you're going to have to get over a couple things.

Also, the plane thing would only be one-way if you were moving to him.

[Petals]

Maybe I'm alone here, and I apologize ahead of time if what I'm about to say offends you. I feel like you are being a little selfish here. Your reasoning for him moving and not you aren't that great, especially when thinking about the future of your relationship. Right now, he has the better job and the money. He has the independence. You can't support yourself or live on your own. Why would you let him move to you and start over, potentially not be able to find a job for a while and live at your parents house with you, when you could go to him?

I've been here, and the downside to if it doesn't pan out is resentment. He will resent giving up everything. I seriously think you both need to consider you moving there. Sure becoming a citizen in the UK would be harder, and you would miss your family but there would be financial stability there. And that is more important than you know. It relieves so much stress on a relationship.

Gl!

While your points are valid, I just want to point out that someone who suffers from serious anxiety issues will find it a lot harder to adjust in a new country and away from a strong support system. She points out in her original posts that her anxiety is a factor in living with her parents so it stands to reason that her anxiety issue is not a mild one. If her SO understands and accepts the reasons she wishes to remain in the US then resentment doesn't necessarily has to be a factor here. They just need to meet first, then work out a plan of action later.

I'm sure the OP will explain her case further as she knows her situation best .

Just my 2 cents...

[Miasmata]

Anxiety issues are definitely a big deal, and not one you have to be ashamed for, OP. However, it doesn't have to be something that renders you totally unable to even consider the move to your SO. Are you currently seeing professional help? If yes, working towards at least visiting your SO and managing the travel anxiety is definitely possible. Even without professional help, there are coping mechanisms and methods you can employ. It's up to you, but speaking as someone who struggles with anxiety a lot herself, I found it very empowering to work towards managing my travel issues and being able to make the visit to the US. You are more capable than you might think, and having a goal to go towards can be a fantastic motivator. As said, it's your decision, but showing your interest and effort to your SO as well as yourself is fantastic, and something worth considering. Plus, after you've visited, you still don't HAVE to move there, but it's much easier to consider when you've seen things in person. Don't give up on yourself without even contemplating it!

[whatruckus]

Anxiety issues are definitely a big deal, and not one you have to be ashamed for, OP. However, it doesn't have to be something that renders you totally unable to even consider the move to your SO. Are you currently seeing professional help? If yes, working towards at least visiting your SO and managing the travel anxiety is definitely possible. Even without professional help, there are coping mechanisms and methods you can employ. It's up to you, but speaking as someone who struggles with anxiety a lot herself, I found it very empowering to work towards managing my travel issues and being able to make the visit to the US. You are more capable than you might think, and having a goal to go towards can be a fantastic motivator. As said, it's your decision, but showing your interest and effort to your SO as well as yourself is fantastic, and something worth considering. Plus, after you've visited, you still don't HAVE to move there, but it's much easier to consider when you've seen things in person. Don't give up on yourself without even contemplating it!

I have really bad anxiety issues too and one way that I try to overcome them (without professional help) is to just go for it. You spend more time stressing and worrying about actually doing it than actually going through with it. Whatever "it" may be. Once I just go for it, I realize, "Wow, what the hell was I so worried about?"

[snow]

Of course anxiety is a big part of it, but I feel like in this case, you have to make the best decision for both of you considering all the facts.

The problem is that if he can't move here through work, he is going to depend on you for support until he can find work, which can take a long time depending on the visa you get. I am still waiting for my work permit and I have been here for 3 months already. Can you support him for 3-6 months until he finds a job?

[whatruckus]

Of course anxiety is a big part of it, but I feel like in this case, you have to make the best decision for both of you considering all the facts.

The problem is that if he can't move here through work, he is going to depend on you for support until he can find work, which can take a long time depending on the visa you get. I am still waiting for my work permit and I have been here for 3 months already. Can you support him for 3-6 months until he finds a job?

Exactly. This is why I'm thinking that her going to him would be the better, long-term, option. He already has a great job, and enough money to support himself. If he moved here, who knows what could happen. I don't know what his qualifications are, and certain fields here don't have that great of job prospects.

[Honour]

Exactly. This is why I'm thinking that her going to him would be the better, long-term, option. He already has a great job, and enough money to support himself. If he moved here, who knows what could happen. I don't know what his qualifications are, and certain fields here don't have that great of job prospects.

It would depend on mostly whether the OP has the wanting to compromise that much. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like she does, because it's obvious that her anxiety is ruling out the possibility of her doing so. The fear and the "I can't" attitude it brings with it are the overruling, toxic factors here.

[differentcountries]

It doesn't have to be one or the other. Several members here have closed the distance in one country, then moved to another. Still with that in mind, it is vital that one of the parties can support themselves and possably the other person.

[xcherrypoopx]

People are being way to harsh regarding your anxiety. I have severe anxiety and panic attacks so bad, I've ended up in the ER numerous times. I can't drive outside of my town without having my hands lock up in weird positions, tongue and jaw going numb and having severe chest pains. I just can't do it. When I visited my boyfriend, I was convinced I was going to die in a plane crash either due to turbulance, mechanical issues or the pilot being suicidal and taking us all down with him lol. I sat there and bawled my eyes out while I had to control my breathing so I didn't hyperventilate. Not sure if I would travel via plane again even if I had the funds to visit. It's so stressful :-\

I understand the money issues too. I'm a single mom of one child, 2 cats, and a new puppy. I make OK money, but make too much to qualify for low income housing, I don't get PTO or vacation time, and to top it off, found out my car has a failing head gasket. I can't just take a week off, I'd lose half a paycheck. There's also other things I have to factor in...

Hope things can work out for you guys. Sorry I don't think I provided much help. I can only say I understand.

[isabelleglove]

With true love, I believe money manages to find its way to workout

[Miasmata]

With true love, I believe money manages to find its way to workout

1) Sadly, that's not how it works in the real world. I tried paying with love before, but my bank doesn't take kindly to it.
2) Don't bump threads if you don't have much to say. You don't have to answer to everything, it's okay!

[differentcountries]

With true love, I believe money manages to find its way to workout

We can all be creative, make changes,
save. I believe most here are, and do. But I am for instance stretching what I have really far. The margins are smaller. This year I don't get a tax return like last year. I am getting slightly desperate to close the distance within a year to not break my economy. He makes pittance and he is stretching that small money, too. We do love each other, but always just making it happen gets tiresome. And I know we are lucky to make it happen like this. Had I met him a year earlier it would have been impossable.

[whatruckus]

People are being way to harsh regarding your anxiety. I have severe anxiety and panic attacks so bad, I've ended up in the ER numerous times. I can't drive outside of my town without having my hands lock up in weird positions, tongue and jaw going numb and having severe chest pains. I just can't do it. When I visited my boyfriend, I was convinced I was going to die in a plane crash either due to turbulance, mechanical issues or the pilot being suicidal and taking us all down with him lol. I sat there and bawled my eyes out while I had to control my breathing so I didn't hyperventilate. Not sure if I would travel via plane again even if I had the funds to visit. It's so stressful :-\

I understand the money issues too. I'm a single mom of one child, 2 cats, and a new puppy. I make OK money, but make too much to qualify for low income housing, I don't get PTO or vacation time, and to top it off, found out my car has a failing head gasket. I can't just take a week off, I'd lose half a paycheck. There's also other things I have to factor in...

Hope things can work out for you guys. Sorry I don't think I provided much help. I can only say I understand.

Well, she started off saying that Money was the reason that was holding her back, when, in reality, it's not. It's more her anxiety. I don't know if the OP is still around, or was reading our replies since this thread is almost 2 months old. But, we suggested other options for her to try and make it work, but she shot down every one of them. It's not logical for her SO to come to the States with no guarantee of a job, especially if he is already established in the UK and making great money, and also if she herself is struggling financially. Neither of them would be able to support each other if he came here and couldn't land a job before his savings ran out. The logical option, and better option, would've been for her to go to him because he would have been able to support both of them while she tried to find a job. But, if OP can't do that, I'm not sure how closing the distance would work. Visits, on the other hand, I would see him definitely coming here more often, unless he paid for her to travel. But, seeing as her anxiety holds her back from doing so, it would be on him. It's not that we're being harsh, we're being realistic and honest. That's what we do here. Many of us also have anxiety issues of varying degrees. She came here for advice, we gave it to her.

With true love, I believe money manages to find its way to workout

Not in the real world.