LDR getting too much

[LonelyOak]

hey all,

I've been dating my gf for about a year and a half, known each other two years. We have lived together for maybe half of that time, we usually see each other in vacation periods from university.

I am finishing my masters this year and looking at phd programs, I feel a load of stress and anxiety about what I'm going to do with my future. Similarly my gf is finishing her undergraduate degree and is looking at masters programs. We had the plan of applying to the same universtities in my home country and living and studying together. Unfortunately that doesn't look like a possibility, as funding for PhD's is very competitive and to make matters harder my area is very specialised.

On top of this we are both just really stressed with studying and life, and I am not coping well with the LDR at all.

When we are together everything is great, but I don't think I can/want to do this long distance anymore. I am finding that at the moment I am so stressed and worried about my future I really would like some support, and it is coming from my friends and not my girlfriend. Then to make matters worse I am just finding my relationship is upsetting me further, tiny things like her cancelling skype dates, not giving me a time to call her, vanishing mid whatsapp conversation etc are really hammering home the difference in our expectations of a relationship and highlighting to me all the downsides of a LDR.

I have booked a flight for a few weeks time to go and visit her, and I actually don't want to go, which is a sign that something is badly wrong.

I am worried because I feel very stressed/depressed/anxious in general, particularly at the moment when I am facing my final exams/exam results, and uncertainty over my future, and similarly she is faced with the same pressures, so maybe this stress is tarnishing everything and clouding my feelings and judgement.

I feel like if I mentioned this to her we would have a big row and nothing would change.

I'd love to hear your experiences and any advice you might have.

[Unconditional]

My advice would be to talk it out. However, it looks like you've ruled that out. Actually sounds like you've made your decision to me.

[p_b82]

To me it sounds like right now you two have different needs from the relationship - you to reach out for support, her to curl up and look after herself.....

What you need to do is really discuss this with your GF, and work out how to find a solution you are both happy with, as one of you is going to start to breed resentment otherwise; and that never ends well.

I'd love to say talking will solve the issues, but they might not - they didn't for me recently.

I guess the long and the short of it is: you need to decide yourself whether you are fed up with the relationship in general, or just struggling to cope right now. If the latter, what can *you* do to help youreself cope, as it is not your GF's responsibilty to aid you, it is just 'nice' when she does. (that was a mistake I recently made myself, and it caused issues). If it is the former, then I guess you need to end it.

A third option might be a 'break' while you finish your finals, but I am not sure that would be wise - as I was told recently, if the relationship can't survive in the rainy times of life, then is it something you really want to be in, as it rains a lot....

[Miasmata]

Yeah, I gotta ask - What do you really feel you still get from this relationship? In which ways does it still enrich you? Be honest with yourself.

I think discussing this openly with your partner has to happen, either way. Especially if you feel like the relationship isn't worth it to you anymore.

[LonelyOak]

Thanks for the replies.
reading my post back it definitely paints a bleaker picture than is perhaps reality, and i think i was in a very bad mood when i wrote it, for a start i know when i go to visit its gonna be so fun and i cant wait to hug and kiss her at the aiport. I think it helped just to have a bit of a rant and let off some steam.

I still love this person, and I think faced with the option of breaking up it became clear that is not the right thing for me.

It's an overwhelming time atm with lots going on for the both of us, but I dont doubt that either of us still loves the other one, and we have been through much harder situations and worse distances so I think this will be ok.p_b82 hit the nail on the head, I need to find ways to deal with the hard times when my gf isnt able to support me, and appreciate the times she can.

I think definitely I have a touch of the green eyed monster when I might see a friend who is having a bad day and they can come home to a nice film and a take-away with their partner.

Thanks again!

[Miasmata]

We all have such days, don't worry about it! Just make sure you find some good coping mechanisms. Different things work for different people, all that matters is that you find what works for you and gives you strength when you need it. Best of luck!

[DC2London]

Hey there!

Your situations sounds majorly similar to mine. You really do notice the difference when you are apart. When I was with my past bf, things were great when we were together but apart it's like we had diff lives. It's hard to incorporate someone who isn't there all the time. And I can tell you, it became too much to try and make things work with mine. I think you should think about some questions: Is there an end in sight? What will she bring to the table for me in looking forward? Is there enough communication (this is HUGE)? Is there anything I can improve on? Am I really as happy as I could be? I had many talks with my ex and I realized the moment all you're doing is talking about the issues is when it might be time to rethink things. I loved my LDR but I wasn't happy and I ended it, BUT I hope you can think about this and really let her know you aren't happy and that in order for it to work AB and C needs to happen. Make sure you do it in a calm and understanding way, not accusatory or anything GOOD LUCK!

[aojeda50]

Communication should be coming from both sides.
She should make the time and attempt keep things going.
But you sound like you have a lot going on in that head.
I think you should definitely talk to her on your visit and figure things out.